Beau clung to Hamilton feeling his heart race as his mind replayed the events of yesterday. Lukas was gone. Lukas was dead. Lukas had left him alone in the world... He had lied. He said he wouldn't leave and he was gone.

He shouldn't have fallen asleep that night. He should have held on tighter. He should have made Lukas promise to not leave him. He shouldn't have fucking smiled. He shouldn't have told Lukas what he wanted to hear... He should have forced him to stay... It was his fault.

Beau's body trembled with every breath. Lukas was gone and he wasn't coming back. He would never talk to him again. He would never touch him again. He would never hold him or kiss him. He never even said goodbye... It felt as if a piece of himself had been ripped away and forgotten. Maybe even lost. And it was all his fault.

I love you, Beau

Beau's throat tightened as he spotted the familiar shape sitting on his floor. His messy blonde hair falling over his eyes and and bright laugh on his face. Beau's lips trembled as his chest grew tight and he bit back the urge to scream.

"Why won't you just leave me alone?" He whispered.

Another tear slipped down Beau's cheek as he buried his face further into the pig, allowing the smell of the arcade to intermingle with the smell of Lukas that still lingered on the clothes he left there. He let out a shaky sob for what felt like the millionth time. Every time he started to feel better he'd see Lukas's pretty face. He'd feel Lukas's lips against his. He'd see Lukas laughing as Beau tugged him into the water or Lukas jumping around a football field with a trophy in hand.

Sometimes he'd see Lukas from when they were kids. The way he had clung onto the button Beau had given him for the next two years. Or how he would bring Beau to see the sunflowers every time they bloomed. How he'd grab onto Beau's hand and pull him through the playground to go hide under the slide where they'd spill all of their secrets together...

Everywhere Beau looked, everywhere he went was attatched to Lukas in some way. Lukas had been there nearly every day of Beau's life. There wasn't a single place or object in Tennessee that didn't have a lingering imagine of Lukas connected to it. And that was simply torture. Those moments had once felt so bright, so colorful. Now they were as dull and lifeless as Lukas.

Beau had only gotten a glimpse of Lukas's face, but it was enough to be burnt into his mind for eternity. The red puffiness of his eyes that had carelessly been left open. The way his mouth was slightly parted and the light blue tint to his deathly pale skin. His hair was tangled and messy as if he had been tugging at it for hours... Lukas had overdosed. He had taken the same sleeping pills as his mother for the exact same reason:

They couldn't take it anymore.

Beau should have seen the signs sooner. Maybe then things would have ended differently. He should have done more. He should have known that mental illness ran in Lukas's family. He should have known the moment Lukas talked about his mother's death. How he had romanticized how nice it would have been to go that way. How all it took was a few pills and then you fell asleep for eternity.

Lukas was wrong. It wasn't beautiful. It wasn't peaceful. It may look that way at first glance but in reality, it was disgusting. Every organ slowly shutting down and failing until your heart just couldn't take it anymore and stopped. Everything and everyone you loved left behind to pick up the pieces of their shattered hearts. Death was ugly, no matter how you looked at it.

But it was also easy. What was the point of living without his other half? He had said it before and he'd say it a million times. Beau wasn't Beau without Lukas. He needed Lukas just to smile. He needed Lukas to keep him sane in a world that was constantly trying to break him. He needed Lukas as much as he needed air. He needed to love him and to be loved by him...

And he had killed him. If he had just had more self-control he could have stopped the inevitable. If he had never kissed him, Lukas never would have fallen for Beau. They could have gone their separate ways, living their separate lives as nothing more than friends. As miserable as that sounded, at least he would be alive and content. That was better than dead and miserable.

Your fault

Beau's hand shakily reached for his pocket knife. He wasn't sure what he was doing or why he was doing it. But he knew that he needed relief. He needed something else to hurt more than the pain of losing Lukas. So without a second thought, he dug the blade into his wrist until he felt his skin break.

Another loud sob escaped Beau's lips as he watched the scarlet blood drip down his skin and onto his bedsheets. There was a sharp stinging and the walls suddenly seemed to hug him too tightly. The air felt too shallow and the world seemed to spin too fast. The fear of his surroundings and of what he had done somehow pushed aside his grief for Lukas, overwhelming his body. So he did it again.

Hey, Sunshine

And again.

Beau, I love you

And again.

Smile for me?

And again.

I love that pretty smile...

And then he screamed. He collapsed onto his pillow, smearing the blood of his wrists across the sheets and pillow-case. He screamed because no matter what he did, Lukas's voice was always haunting him. Everywhere he looked held a memory of Lukas. He couldn't even close his eyes without seeing him.

Every store in town, Lukas. Church, Lukas. The river, Lukas. His barn, Lukas. His bedroom, Lukas. His own reflection, Lukas. Everywhere he turned Lukas was staring at him with those piercing blue eyes. Everywhere he turned he was being taunted by the one person he wanted but could never have. He was back to where he had been only a few weeks ago. In love with a boy who could never love him back. Only this time, there was no hope.

He wanted to die. He wanted to be done. He didn't want to be here. He wanted to drive the same knife he had cut himself with into his heart and fall to his knees. To bleed out on the floor and go to whatever was waiting for him and only pray that Lukas was there.

But then he thought of his mother. He thought of her finding her son laying on the wooden floor drenched in blood. Lifeless and forgotten to the world. And just picturing her face broke his heart... So he couldn't do it.

He must have fallen asleep because his door opened startling him awake. Beau's eyes locked onto his mother. Her face was clean of any makeup and equally as tear-stained as Beau's. Her hair was untamed and she hadn't even bothered changing out of her clothes from yesterday. But still, she held a plate with Beau's lunch on it. Even when she couldn't take care of herself her children always came first.

"Hey" She whispered.

"Hi" Beau's voice was strained and came out more like a croak. Shelby sighed and walked across the room. She took a seat next to her son and opened her mouth to say something when she noticed the blood smeared across his bed.

"What is that?" She asked. Beau only shrugged and buried his face back into the pillow. He didn't have the energy to talk anymore. And he definitely didn't have the energy to discuss his mental health. Shelby's hand darted for Beau's wrists and quickly flipped them over. "Beau-"

"I'm okay" Beau whispered. "I'm okay, I'm okay, I'm okay" He repeated. "Just leave me alone"

"Beau... Baby no. Please not you too... Lukas wouldn't want this" Shelby whispered as she stroked her son's hair out of his eyes. Even his mother's affection reminded him of Lukas. And that simple gesture broke him.

"Who cares? Lukas didn't care what I wanted. He left me. He left because of me. I loved him and now he's gone. He left me alone" Beau snapped. "And it's my fault..."

"Beau, no. It is not your fault. It is never your fault" Shelby's voice broke as a tear slipped down her cheek. "Lukas loved you. He loved you so much... Everyone could see it ever since the day you met. He didn't leave because of you. It's nobodies fault"

"I don't want to be here anymore. I don't want to be here without him... He was my everything and it's all broken" Beau sobbed. "He came to my room the other night. He was sad and he was alone and I didn't do shit. I sat there and begged him to stay. I didn't ask why, I didn't try and help fix the problem. I just sat there and begged"

"You're allowed to be sad and upset. But how would Lukas react to you saying these things? If Lukas were here right now he'd be worried sick about you" Shelby sighed.

"If Lukas were here it wouldn't be an issue" Beau reminded her. "I want to be alone" He whispered.

"Okay..." Shelby's voice cracked and she hesitantly extended Beau a folded piece of paper. "They found this in Lukas's hand... It's addressed to you" She mumbled. Shelby stood up, being sure to take Beau's pocket knife with her when she left.

Beau's fingers fumbled with the paper. He was desperate to know what the hell was going through Lukas's mind. He was desperate to read every word he ever written, memorize every photo taken of him, and relive every memory. His heart shattered as he recognized the small and sloppy cursive. Beau had taught Lukas cursive in third grade and Lukas had grown to love it despite how bad he had always been at it.

Dear, Beau

I am so so sorry. I don't know what I'm even supposed to say here... A goodbye would probably do just fine but it feels too simple for you. You deserve the world. You deserve more than a silly letter to prove how much I truly love you. It breaks my heart to leave you. I don't want to imagine a world without you. I don't know where I'll be, but even if it's heaven or another life it won't be complete until I find you again. And I will, I always will. Just not here. Not now. Not in this life and not in this world.

You're probably wondering why I did what I did. I was actually planning on doing it a long time ago. The first time when I was thirteen. Then again when I was fifteen and again a year later. The original plan was to end it all the day I got back from camp... And then I realized I was in love and couldn't bring myself to leave without knowing if you felt the same. And after that, I was happy for a while. I was happy with you. And then my father discovered what I am and things just took a turn. This doesn't mean I don't love you any less, Beau. You'll always be my beautiful Beau.

I know I am in no position to be asking for things from you, but I want you to keep smiling. I want you to be you. I want you to move to the city like you always planned. I want you to get married and have a family, even if it isn't with me. When I see you again I want to know that you lived a fulfilling life. I want to know that you were loved and you were happy. I want to know that somebody out there loved you as much as I love you. And I do love you more than you could ever imagine.

Eternally yours, Lukas

Beau's hands shook as he stared down at the paper. He wanted to be angry. He wanted to blame himself or maybe Lukas. He wanted to scream and throw something or dig a blade into his skin until he felt something more painful than this. But he simply couldn't. So instead, he did the next best thing.

He reached for his phone and dialed Lukas's number, listening for the ringing to stop and Lukas's sweet voice to cut in.

"Hey, this is Lukas. I don't check my phone often, but if you leave a message I'll do my best to get back to you"

When it ended he'd call again and again and again. He couldn't stop. He'd take in every ounce of Lukas's voice. The way he spoke from his faint accent to the odd way he pronounced 'message'. He memorized where his voice would deepen and tried to picture the expressions he'd make while saying this. He tried to hold on to it.

He wasn't sure how long he had been calling. It felt like hours at this point and maybe it was. Beau's sense of time had gotten warped these past few days. Mornings felt like nights, nights felt like afternoons and afternoons felt like mornings. Beau refused to leave his room. He refused to eat or sleep unless he could help it. So all he did was obsess over Lukas. He'd reread the letter until he memorized it. He had his voicemail on repeat. He scrolled through every video and photo that even mentioned Lukas on his phone. Reread every message dating back to five years ago. He went through his photos, only wore his clothes. He was obsessed.

Then one day the voicemail just stopped. Instead of Lukas's sweet and friendly voice, he was left with a robotic woman repeating the same few words: This number is out of order.

Beau's heart shattered and he took slow and controlled breaths. Or at least, he tried to. And for the first time since Lukas had passed Beau made one thought he was sure anyone could agree with: It was Mr. Edwards fault.

Mr. Edwards had driven his own wife and son to suicide and Beau just wasn't going to let this go. He was going to make him pay and suffer. Before he knew it Beau had a lighter in hand and was leaving his house. The cold night air pricked as his nose and any bare skin but he kept walking. He had to keep moving.

He wasn't thinking clearly. He didn't know why he didn't go to the house like any normal person. Why he didn't just try and pick a fight with Mr. Edwards. Instead, his legs carried him to the barn where he knew things barrels of gasoline were waiting.

His heart stopped as he recognized the place that Beau and Lukas had been kissing when Mr. Edwards had caught them. His eyes darted wildly around the barn before landing on the animals. The animals... He couldn't leave them in there. That was sick beyond so many levels.

He went to each pen, ripping open the gate and scaring away any horses that refused to leave on their own. They'd scurry away and Beau would tell himself that he had to scare them. That it was for their own good. And finally, the barn was empty. Just him and the gas, that was all he needed. But he was wrong.

"Ophie?" Beau's strained voice called as he spotted the small pup. She was whimpering and obviously grieving. It didn't take a genius to know that Lukas was gone snd the dog had clearly figured it out. Her tail gave the faintest wag at the sight of Beau and Beau didn't hesitate to go pick her up. The tired pully buried her head into the hood of Lukas's hoodie, likely relishing his scent.

So with a puppy in one hand and a gallon of gasoline in the other, he walked around the barn being sure to drizzle the smelly liquid over each stall. His heart ached no matter where he looked. He was angry. He was broken and he was alone. So when Ophelia began squirming, Beau sent her off. He didn't care where the pup ended up. She was running off into the fields after the horses and he didn't think much of it.

He felt another wave of tears wash over his face as he finished pouring the second gallon. He hesitantly pulled the lighter from his pocket and stared at it for a moment. Maybe he was crazy. Maybe he was insane for even thinking about doing this. But then Mr. Edwards's words replayed in his mind and he was his beautifully broken boy standing in the barn slowly falling apart as his father yelled.

He stared at the exact spot that Lukas had been standing. He could almost see the outline of his body down to each strand of hair. He could almost see the hurt, fear, and anger on his face. And that was the final straw. Lukas was dead because of Mr. Edwards and he intended to make him pay. So he lit the lighter.

He froze again, finally coming to his senses. He wasn't crazy. He wasn't going to get revenge or throw his life away over Lukas. Lukas wouldn't want that... Lukas wanted him to move on...

I love you so much, Beau

Beau screamed and fell to his knees as another sob overtook him. Everything here was covered with Lukas. Where they had first kissed, where they had danced, where they would play tag as kids. Everything had a piece of him. Everything was taunting him. His voice wouldn't stop echoing in his head. Everywhere he looked he could feel Lukas and sometimes even see him. And in a wave of hurt, he dropped the lighter.

The barn lit almost instantly. The heat and crackling flames began to overcome the world around him. They melted away any trace of Lukas ever being there. They tore down the structure, dancing from wooden beam to wooden beam. They even began to burn Lukas, but he didn't dare move. He stood in the flames and relished the overwhelming sense of power that washed over him.

Every logical thought in his mind told him that he was insane. That he was being irrational and that he shouldn't enjoy this and should start running. But every bone in his body wanted to stay. His mind was addicted to the flames. It was addicted to how wild and uncontrollable they were. And how they overpowered the dark energy that lingered in that place. And most importantly, how easily they brought Beau to life.