So where was I?

Yes! I was inside Bull’s apartment, right?

Let’s continue.

So I stepped in right after Bull’s invitation. There was nothing but darkness. Bull closed the door behind me and both of us were left in utter darkness and silence for a few seconds. My gut twisted and I was suddenly overwhelmed by anxiety. Did I do a mistake by coming to his house? Why was it dark? Was he going to do something to me?

“Sorry.” I heard Bull say. A button was clicked and a single tube light flickered to life. I adjusted my eyes to the light.

Bull proceeded to take off his shoes by the entrance whereas I stood still and looked around the entire place. We were standing in a tiny ‘hall’ which had two doors on the other side. The door at the right side had a sink outside it so I guessed it might be the bathroom. The door opposite to me was half opened and I could see a window inside. I looked to the left of the hall and found a gas stove top on a table with adjacent sink. Two cabinets were attached to the wall above the sink. There was a worn-out rug in the middle of the hall which had books, electronic devices, plumber tools and a few other things on it.

The paint was coming off, the doors were noisy, and the entire thing looked nothing like an apartment. One could practically roll out of the hall into the other room. Everything was in poor condition. I felt that if I touched anything, It would come crumbling down. The walls felt thin because the voices from other apartments and the outside world could be heard. No AC, no fridge, no oven, no computer. On top of that, it was hot inside. The only good thing about the place was that it smelt pleasant and was actually neat and tidy.

“Are you done inspecting my place?” Bull asked rather pissed off. I flinched as his voice brought me back to reality.

“Ah…Um…” I tried to form words.

“Come here.” He said, walking to the rug. He picked up a folded cloth from there and gave it a good dusting. Then he spread it on the floor and motioned me to sit on it. I hesitated at first but sat on it anyway. He moved to the cabinets and pulled out a mineral water bottle and poured me a glass of it. I took it and drank. He placed the bottle where it belonged and rushed into the other room. I watched as he came out a few seconds later. Then he took another glass for himself. I watched as he poured water in it from the tap on the kitchen sink. I found it very strange.

“You are going to drink from there?” I asked.

“Mineral water is expensive.” He stated looking down at me from the sink. “I have only kept it for important purposes.”

I looked around the place once more. “Where are your parents?” I asked.

“We are not a part of each other’s lives.” He simply stated.

“Huh?” I was bewildered. “Why?”

“Issues.”

“…And your siblings?”

“With my parents.”

“Only you have issues with your parents?”

“My parents have issues with me.”

“What issues?”

“You must be hungry.” He changed the topic altogether.

On our way here, he had bought some items from a store. He sat that plastic bag before me and sat on the floor with folded knees. Taking out a wrapped sandwich, he gave it to me.

“Here,” He said. “A soda can too.”

He opened it for me and I took it. I didn’t get why he was being so courteous to me all of a sudden.

“Why are you treating me like this?” I asked with a mouthful.

“Like what?” He said.

“Like one treats a guest.” I replied.

“Aren’t you a guest?” He threw back.

“Even if I forced you to get me here?”

“I don’t care if you are not a good guest. I want to be a good host.” He stated and munched on his own sandwich. When he had half of his sandwich left, he wrapped it again and carefully put it in the plastic bag.

“You’re not gonna finish that?” I asked while sipping on my can. Bull shook his head.

“Why?” I said. “It’s bad to leave food, O.K.?”

“I’ll finish it later.” He replied. He then got up and washed his hands in the sink outside the toilet. Wiping his hands on his pants, he said, “I’ll be right back. Stay here.”

He again entered the same room and came back after a few seconds. I had finished my food by then.

“What’s in there?” I asked him.

“Where?”

“That room you just went into.”

“…I sleep there.”

“You do? Then you have a bed inside?”

“No,” He said. “A mattress.”

“Do you love sleeping on a mattress?” I asked but it soon clicked in my head that he probably couldn’t afford a bed.

“Yes.” He said after a few seconds. “Are you done now?”

“What? My food?” I asked. “Oh, yes. I am done. Thank you for the sand-”

“Great. I will walk you home now.” He immediately added.

“What? Why?” I asked and got up. I stretched my arms and moved closer to him. “I want to look around your apartment.”

Bull made a ‘really?’ face. “Sadie, there is literally nothing to look around.” He replied. “Come on, just look at the place. Everything is right in front of you. There is nothing more to see.”

Him saying my name felt sweet in a weird way.

I tilted my head to see the one room he entered twice. “I haven’t seen that room yet.” I began to take steps toward it before Bull grabbed my arms and pulled me back.

“Whoa, where do you think you are going?” He said, a little annoyed.

“But that room –”

“I told you it’s my bedroom.” He firmly said. “What are you going to look inside for?”

“Just want to see how you sleep.”

“It’s too small. Only one of us can walk inside!”

If I hadn’t fought Bull that day to let me see his bedroom then the most important part would have probably remained a mystery. Unknown to me. But that part itself was very smart. It wouldn’t let itself stay hidden – and it didn’t! So as Bull and I were arguing on seeing the room….she rang out her melodious cry….freezing both of us on our spots.

A baby?

A baby was crying inside Bull’s apartment?

And more specifically from his bedroom?

What was going on? Are my ears ringing?

Bull’s firm hands were still tightened around my arms. He and I stared into each other’s eyes in fear and disbelief, respectively. Then, within a blink, Bull released me and rushed into the room. I followed behind after a second.

What I saw shocked me. Bull was picking a baby from its cradle and was immediately attempting to soothe it. Bull was right, this room was too small. Bull stood inside while I was standing by the door. Only four items occupied the room; a cupboard, a cradle, a floor fan and a mattress.

“Shh…Shh..It’s okay, it’s okay.” Bull softly spoke to the child. “I’m here.”

I was about to speak when Bull quickly turned his head towards me, scaring the curious cat out of me. “Can you please bring the left-over sandwich?” He said.

I comprehended what he said and nodded slowly. “And some mineral water too.” He added as I walked into the tiny hall.

I fetched both the items and looked on as Bull sat on the floor with the baby in his lap. He gave some water to the baby which immediately silenced it. Then slowly and carefully, Bull chewed small bits of sandwich in his mouth and then transferred them into the baby’s mouth piece by piece. I saw how the baby attempted to swallow pre-chewed food…it seemed like it was accustomed to this. Bull was very cautious through the whole process. I swallowed as I prepared to ask him questions.

“B-Bull…” I started. “W-Who is this?”

Bull firstly gave no reply. He seemed very busy with the baby. He would cherish its face, he would massage its forehead and smile, and he would chuckle when it did something adorable. I figured he didn’t want to answer any of my questions yet. But my curiosity was not ready to subside. I changed my question.

“Girl or boy?”

Silence.

“Girl.” Came the reply after many seconds.

“Your sister, huh?” I said and moved a finger to the baby’s face to cherish it. “She is very cute.” When my finger made contact with her face, she abruptly turned her head towards me as if I scared her. Bull laughed and lifted the baby up to his face.

“Don’t be afraid, Claire.” He lovingly said, rubbing his nose against hers. “She is just a friend.”

“So you are acknowledging me as your friend?” I said. “Good to know.”

He remained silent and returned to playing with the baby.

“Her name is Claire, huh?” I said. “Lovely name.”

“I know.” He replied. “…Her mom kept it.”

“Her mom? You mean you two aren’t siblings?”

“…She’s my daughter.” Bull replied with annoyance.

….

……

‘Daughter’?

…

Bull has a daughter?

…He is a father?

I was so shocked that not a single word came out of my mouth. I just sat there with wide eyes and open mouth as Bull finished feeding Claire and cleaned her up. He leaned against the wall, spread his legs and sat the baby in-between, still holding her by her sides. Bull had a small smile on his lips as the baby entertained him with her small plays. She had some soft toys around her chubby legs. Both of them seemed to be enclosed in a capsule of their own world, unaware of my presence. Or the presence of the outside world.

Bull’s eyelids were getting heavy; his bony fingers around Claire were getting loose. In that moment, something occurred to me. I came here with the intention to find out the real face of Bull. I have seen him beat students in college, I have seen him donate a kidney in the hospital and I have seen him curse and act like a bad boy. What is the real face of Bull? I asked myself then.

In that moment, he didn’t seem like a bully or a donor…or any kind of a bad boy. He….He was simply…a father. Just a tired father. A father who just returned from a long day of study and work. He has survived the day to make both ends meet. And now he is with his daughter, and now he is smiling for the first time today. Maybe this is what he is reduced to in the end – just a father with difficulties. And maybe now I can begin to understand that he probably is not how he shows himself to be. He wears a mask when he goes out into the world. A mask that is rude, mean and disgusting. It comes with a façade that repels everyone away from him. He most likely does this for keeping everyone away from his life and particularly away from Claire.

He is just a common individual.

I lowered my head as the guilt settled in me. What was I taking him for? I had no idea what his real conditions were. Living in such a place and caring for such a small baby. I shouldn’t have behaved so nastily towards him. I misunderstood everything about him and now here he was exposed in front of me. He is better off without me. He doesn’t need a bothering. I should just stop.

“Pa….aa…ki!” The baby let out while looking at Bull whose eyes were closed by now and his head was leaning to a side. The fan was fanning his hair, his lips were slightly parted and a soft noise was coming from his nose. He looked gorgeous.

If Bull has a daughter then does that mean…?

I was disturbed by the thought of him having a girl in his life. I don’t know why it hurt me but it did. Did I really like him? But his heart can’t have me in it, can it? He must have a wife or at least a girlfriend. And if Bull is caring so much for the baby then it could mean that he loves the mother too.

In that moment, I heard something break inside me.

I stood up to leave. Before exiting the room, I looked at Bull one last time. Taking my belongings from the hall, I carefully opened the front door but the damn thing still made a lot of noise. I quickly closed it behind me and walked down the stairs. Before I could completely climb down the flight of stairs, I heard a door abruptly open and many hasty steps being taken towards me.

“Sadie!”

I looked up to see Bull standing in the middle of the staircase. His hair was all over his face, his cheeks were pink and his eyes showed concern.

“What the hell?” He angrily stated. “Why did you leave without telling me, idiot?”

“I’m sorry,” I said, lowering my eyes. “You were asleep. I didn’t want to distu-”

“Hold on!” He said. “Stay.Here.”

I watched as he knocked on Aunt Pey’s apartment door and waited for her to open the door. While waiting, he turned to look at me, making sure I was still there. “Don’t move.”

A girl opened the door and was filled with happiness as soon she saw Bull.

“Ellie!” Bull smiled at her.

Throwing her arms around his torso, she cried, “Brother Bull! I missed you so much! Why weren’t you in the car wash? And where is Claire? I miss her so much!”

Bull chuckled and patted her head. “Claire is inside. She is awake. I am going to drop a friend at home so please look after her. She is fed.”

“Of course!” The girl exclaimed and practically ran into Bull’s apartment. Bull shook his head and closed Aunt Pey’s apartment door. He climbed down the stairs and motioned me to follow him.

“Is it safe to let that girl be alone with Claire?” I asked. “Does she even know how to keep the house safe?”

Bull chuckled again. “Ellie might be a preteen but she is a super girl.”

Oh, come on! Now my heart is jealous of Bull praising a preteen girl!

“I see.”

“The one who left my house unsafe is you,” Bull said. “Don’t leave like this again, understood?”

“What does it mean to you?” I asked, a bit annoyed.

Bull stopped and looked at me. “You don’t even know the way back home. And despite me telling you how dangerous this area is for girls, you obviously don’t understand that. If you come to visit me then you are my responsibility on behalf of your father. Don’t screw my reputation that I have in your father’s eyes.”

He gave me a hard look and turned around to keep walking.

And then Bull dropped me home. I told myself that I needed to have a talk with my stupid heart but what I didn’t know was my parents were waiting to have a talk with me.

Just when things seemed difficult to me, God made them easy.