~ Chapter 50: Say goodbye. ~

(A/N: On the side is the version of I'm Gonna Love You Through It by Amber Carrington that I listened to while writing this, among other songs like All I Want by Kodaline (Go to song for the last chapters) and Give Me Love by Ed Sheeran. Other songs to listen to while reading this chapter: Fix You by Coldplay and I Lived by OneRepublic. And again, please read the A/N at the end of the epilogue!!!)

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        Another month passed. I was grateful for every second I got to spend with Damon, even if it was in a hospital room because I knew that it would all end so soon now and that was the scariest thought to ever have so I pushed it away every time. Some days were good, we would watch a movie or a TV show and laugh together, or even dance in the room on the best days, but others were terrible. Sometimes, Damon would be in pain for a whole day, and not the kind of pain that’s ok to deal with like stepping on a lego or bite the inside of your cheek, no this pain it was… awful. He would chase us away and I would wait in the hall even though I knew it wouldn’t pass and I would have to go without even saying goodbye. I would hear him cry or scream and it would break my heart in a thousand pieces because there was nothing I could do. The doctors and nurses tried giving him morphine and other stuff but the pain was inside his brain so it was pretty much worthless. It would work one or two times though so it was better than nothing.

Every time it happened, every time he had one of his ‘crisis’, I would freak out so much I would cry. I always feared it meant the end of everything, the end of him forever and this was not something enjoyable to think about, to say the least. And then I would come back the next day and find him completely fine as if nothing had happened, and no need to say it was messing with my head.

Damon had had Katie on the phone. He hadn’t talked to her in a very long time but he felt he needed to because they had been together for a year after all and she deserved to know about him. So they talked and said their goodbyes. She wasn’t mad at all, about him being with me, she said she was happy he got to tell me he loved me before it was too late, and I couldn’t have agreed more.

This Tuesday, I woke up to the pouring rain. It was stupid and I knew it but every time it was raining, I would get worried that Damon had died. It must have been because of the movies: every time someone passes away or has a funeral, it rains. I quickly got dressed, put a little makeup on and rushed to the hospital, like every morning. I was allowed to stay the night only one time a week thanks to Anita.

I arrived at nine and saw that Damon’s parents weren’t here yet. They visited four times a week or so and usually stayed all day. Jenny and Seth came by often too, but mostly on the weekends because they had lives to get back to like college for my best friend and his band for my brother. They had actually gotten a few small gigs to play around town but I hadn’t been able to go see them play so far. A week ago, Damon had insisted for me to fill out the application forms for colleges, even though I still didn’t know what I wanted to do, and I had done it because, well, how can you resist Damon, seriously.

He was doing everything to make sure I would get back to my old life and I tried to pretend the best I could like I would but I knew it wasn’t going to happen that easily. I would need time. A lot of time to grieve.

“What are you thinking about?” Damon asked, taking me away from my thoughts.

This was one of the good days. He was smiling, looked perfectly fine and hot as hell, and could probably dance if we wanted to.

“I don’t know. So, what’s the plan for today?” I inquired, going to sit down next to the bed.

“First we will hug and kiss, then I will tell you how much I love you and then I was thinking maybe go outside for a walk.”

We were allowed to go outside as long as Damon stayed in his wheelchair and took his IV bag, or whatever the hell it was now, with him. But Anita only let us do it once every two weeks and I guess today was the day.

“Good plan.”

He scotched over to one side of the bed to let me lie down next to him and thus began the first part of today’s plan. We had only succeeded in going further three times: one where Anita said she would watch out for nurses or doctors because we would have hated to be caught doing it. A second time the one night I was allowed to stay in and Damon knew at what time his doctor was supposed to come by, and another under the same circumstance. Anita came in and interrupted our kisses by clearing her throat.

“Hey lovebirds. Time for the checkup.”

I came down from the bed and cloud 9 by the same occasion and let Anita do her job. Once she was done, we asked if we could go outside and she gave us a pass. Damon got dressed up and sat in his wheelchair that I rolled out of the room for the first time in two weeks. We took the elevator then I rolled him outside in the hospital park. The rain had stopped now and let place to a beautiful sun, which reassured me. I know, stupid. I walked around the park, pushing his wheelchair on the sandy path.

“Have I told you you look awesome and beautiful today?” Damon asked when I stopped to sit on a bench to be next to him.

“Nope but thank you. You don’t look so bad yourself.”

I kissed him and passed my hand through his hair, which earned me a moan of satisfaction, aka the most amazing sound ever.

“I love you.” Damon said when we broke our kiss, both out of breath.

“I love you too.”

“I have to tell you something though…”

Oh God. This did not sound good. Plus, a cloud had just passed in front of the sun, hiding it from us.

“Is it bad?” I asked.

Damon bit his lip and my heart almost broke. Saying I was anxious would have been the biggest understatement of the year. I could guess what was coming and I did not want him to say it. I did not want to hear it or it would mean it was true and really happening and that just could not happen. I know, choosing denial was a cowardly thing to do but what can I say, nobody’s perfect and try being in my shoes for a second!

“Then don’t say it.” I answered before he could open his mouth.

“I have to Leah.” He paused for a couple of second. “There’s no more time.”

And there it was. My heart crashed and my eyes were already filling themselves with tears. Damon took my hand in his.

“Doc Suarez came by yesterday evening and he told me they have to inject me tomorrow evening if we want to save the organs or my brain will most probably snap.” He was talking quietly, as if he were in front of a child, and I was crying and trying to wipe my tears but others just came rushing down furiously.

“No… No, this can’t be it…” I choked.

He took me in his arms and hugged me for a long time. I realized he was crying too. I wiped away his tears with my fingers then traced down the lines on his face.

“Does Anita know?” I asked.

“Yes. I asked her to act normal because I wanted to tell you myself and you would have guessed if she had been sad.”

His thumb caught some of my tears but I couldn’t stop crying. This was it. I could not believe this was it. It couldn’t be. It was too soon. I needed more time with him. I needed more of his kisses, more of his hugs, more of his laughs and jokes and teasing. This could not be it already. Damon took something from behind his back and I recognized the notebook. We hadn’t looked at it since the day Damon had come home and I knew why he had taken it with him now.

“There’s one more thing to do.” Damon started to say, flipping the pages of the notebook to the very end of it. “Say goodbye.”

We were still both crying and some of Damon’s tears were falling on the notebook, leaving wet oval marks at some places.

“This is the hardest thing I ever had to do. Say goodbye to you. Jumping off of an airplane and singing in front of the X Factor audience are child’s play compared to this.”

This wasn’t happening already. It couldn’t be. My mind was trying to be in denial but the fact that I was a complete and utter mess proved that it understood completely what was happening.

“I love you Leah and I know I must have said it a thousand times now but I meant each and every one of them with all my heart. You’re my best friend, the love of my life and the most amazing human being I was lucky enough to sort of marry.”

“Damon…”

“No, please, I need to do this.”

He was still holding on to my hand. It was still not raining but there was no sun either.

“I can’t ever say goodbye to you Leah, and I hope I’ll come back as a ghost or whatever other form to watch over you. To make sure you get the life you deserve. But I don’t know if that will happen so I’d better just tell you everything I have to tell you before it’s too late.”

“I can’t do this, I can’t…” I was hysterical and probably looked like the crazy cat lady in the Simpsons but I couldn’t manage to calm down.

“Hey, it’s ok.”

I was such a selfish bitch! I wasn’t even the one dying and he was comforting me! God I hated my weak and pathetic self!

“I’m supposed to be there for you, not the other way around.” I said while he was caressing my hair.

“We’re there for each other. That’s what love is all about.”

That was all he needed to say and we stayed in each other’s arms for a while, though I didn’t know how long exactly. It felt like we were the only two people in the world and as if there was nothing around us, even though I knew there were other patients walking in the park with their loved ones. Time seemed to have frozen and all I could concentrate on was Damon’s heart, that was beating fast, and his breathing on my neck.

“It’s my turn to say goodbye.” I whispered, breaking our hug after long minutes of silence.

We had done all the things on the list together and so I guess I had to do that too, even if it was breaking my heart.

“I don’t even know where to start…”

He smiled, holding now both of my hands.

“I should have written something, I’m always better at writing than speaking.”

“It’s ok, I don’t need a big speech. I know you love me and that’s all I need.”

“I love you, yeah I guess that’s a good start. I love you Damon Hollins, more than you will ever know. This past year with you has been insane and a rollercoaster and I couldn’t have wished for something better to happen to me than you moving in the house next to mine. I was heartbroken when we moved out of Rosewood. I came by to say goodbye but you weren’t there and, either way, it was awkward between us so I wouldn’t have known what to say to you.”

“I never knew you came by.”

“I never told anyone. I sneaked out when they were loading the moving truck and ran to your place. I threw rocks at your window, just like in the movies, and I wanted to tell you how I felt, I just didn’t know how and I thought you wouldn’t have the same feelings so at the third rock, since you weren’t answering, I concluded you weren’t home and left.”

Damon blinked away the new tears forming in his eyes.

“I’m so mad that we didn’t get more time, to know that we could have been together all those years but weren’t. But it’s ok because, in the end, everything worked out. We found each other because we were meant to and we fell in love. I love you so much Damon, I don’t even know how to put it into words. I’m going to miss you so much. I’m going to miss your kisses, your laughs, your stupid jokes, your smile, your sexy talks, the way you are so genuinely nice and caring, even your stubbornness.”

“You’re supposed to be the stubborn one, remember?” He joked, although he was still wiping away his tears, and so was I.

“We’re both stupid stubborn people.” I cleared my voice, getting thick with tears. “Anyway, I hope you know that you’re the person I love most in the entire world and that will never change. You’re my husband in my heart and I wish we could have grown old together and talked about the time flying by and whatever old people talk about, while still having crazy and amazing sex because, well, we’re us and we fit like two puzzle pieces.”

He laughed.

“I can’t ever say goodbye to you either Damon because you’ll always be in my mind. It’s such a cliché thing to say and I can’t believe I’m saying it but here goes: you’ll always be in my heart and memories and when I’ll go to the kitchen I’ll think about breaking the plates and making love on the floor. When I go in the streets, I’ll think back to when we walked on them wearing a Gorilla and fairy costume. When I go in my car, I’ll think about how we got the seats all wet when we came back from the pool, the first time we hung out together ever since you had come back. You’ll be everywhere with me.”

“You should write movie scenarios.”

“Shut up.” I took a deep breath. “This is a goodbye but this is also a thank you. Thank you for everything you made me realize over just the course of a year. Thank you for making me love myself again, and for making me feel worthy and loved unconditionally. Thank you for making me laugh almost to the point of peeing my pants and thank you for making me feel funny and smart.”

“You are funny and smart and beautiful.”

I smiled.

“Thank you for being my best friend, the best boyfriend I could hope for and the best husband in our hearts too. And for making me go out of my comfort zone and try new things, for introducing me to adventurous Leah. Thank you for all the times I went to sleep thinking “I’m happy”. Thank you for making my life awesome by being in it.”

“And you say you’re better at writing then speaking, I can’t imagine what you would have written to me, it can’t be better than this.”

He lifted my chin up and looked into my eyes as if reading in my soul for a few seconds before bringing his lips to mine and brushing them against his at first, then kissing me slowly and lengthily, languidly, and then more passionately. It was a goodbye kiss, I could feel it. The fireworks exploded inside of my head and the butterflies flew for the last time in my stomach. This was our last dance, our last real kiss and it was the most beautiful one to share. My palm traveled from his hair to his neck, then stopped on his heart, that was beating faster than ever.

I cursed our need for air when Damon broke our kiss to catch his breath. We both had tears in our eyes and he looked at me for a long minute, not saying anything. He didn’t need to, I knew exactly what he was thinking and I was thinking the same exact thing. I love you.

“Is it weird that I feel both sad and at ease?” Damon asked.

I shook my head, biting my lips to try to stop the tears from running down my cheeks.

“No it’s not.”

“I feel lucky that I got to say goodbye.” Damon smiled a little. “That I got time to tell you one more time how much I love you, to look at you and to kiss you. Some people die in the verge of a feud, or without having told their loved-ones that they care about them, I’m glad I got to do that.”

“I’m happy you get to die knowing how loved you are and what you mean to me.”

He got up from his wheelchair and so I got up too. He wrapped me in his arms again, but just for a couple of seconds, then unattached himself from me and took his phone out of his pocket.

“I want one last dance with you.” He said before playing the music.

I recognized the song automatically and, yes, cried again while he placed his hand on my waist and took the other one in his before swirling with me. It was the song I had sung for him on the X Factor: I’m Gonna Love You Through It. I started singing over the music, fighting back my tears while he didn’t even try to wipe out his.

When you’re weak, I’ll be strong

When you let go, I’ll hold on

When you need to cry, I swear that I’ll be there to dry your eyes

When you feel lost and scared to death,

Like you can’t take one more step

Just take my hand, together we can do it

I’m gonna love you through it.