TW: mentions of death, mentions of drug and alcohol abuse, mentions of addiction, mentions of trauma.

Y/N's P.O.V

"Pete? You home?" I asked as I shut the door to my apartment and took my coat off.

"Yeah, I'm in the bathroom." I heard him sigh. My eyebrows furrowed at his exacerbated tone as I headed through to the bathroom. I walked in to see him topless and staring at his reflection in the mirror, his fingers pulling at his clean but still unruly beard hair. My eyes widened slightly as I looked up and down his body. Peter had been living with me for a few months now, meaning that his body was starting to be built up again from the scrawny and malnourished guy that I had re-encountered half a year ago, to more like the physique that he had had in high school. And that, was making my heart flutter like crazy. He looked at me.

"What are you looking at?" he chuckled. I shook my head and walked into the bathroom fully.

"You. The progress that you've made in half a year is amazing, you're already looking healthier and more built up again." I nodded.

"Is that your way of saying that I look hot?" he teased. My eyes widened slightly as I looked at him. Yes, I thought, as I shook my head in denial.

"Don't get cocky, Parker." I returned, making him smile and look at me.

"Anyway, we all know who is responsible for getting me better." He nodded as he gently poked my nose with his finger, making me scrunch it up in fake annoyance.

"Yeah, you are. Me letting you move in and everything would mean nothing if you weren't willing to make the change." I encouraged. He looked at me and smiled again, making my smile widen as he leant in and kissed my head before looking back at the mirror.

"Anyway, you sounded annoyed when I came in." I nodded. He sighed and shook his head as he looked at his beard.

"Yeah, I decided that it was time for the beard to go. I've been introduced back into society for half a year now and so I'm thinking that it's time to get a job, but obviously I need to clean up a bit more first. But, my last decent razor broke." He sighed. My eyebrows furrowed and I nodded.

"I have an idea. Get some shaving cream onto your beard." I instructed, making him nod as I left the bathroom and headed into my bedroom. I opened one of my draws and got the shaving kit out before heading back through to the bathroom. Peter looked at me as I came back, his eyebrow raising as he saw what I held in my hands.

"Y/N, why do you have an old-fashioned men's shaving kit?" he chuckled.

"My brother used to have a massive beard, so I thought that it'd be a fun thing to give him for Christmas last year. But then, the little shit shaved it all off before I could give it to him, so I kept it. Lucky that I did." I shrugged as I opened the box and got the shaving knife out. Peter's eyes widened.

"W-wait, you're not actually going to use that on me, are you?" he scoffed. I looked at him.

"No, I got it out so that we could reminisce about the old times of our country. Why do you think that I got it out?" I chuckled.

"But, a-aren't those the types of knives that if a barber made one wrong move, the customer would die? Y/N, I just got my life back on track, I don't want it to be ended by my best friend in a freak shaving accident." He gulped. My smile dipped slightly at his words.

"You consider me to be your best friend?" I asked quietly. Peter looked at me and shrugged before looking down.

"Well, yeah. A best friend is someone who is there for you, no matter what. That is exactly what you've been for me." He nodded. I bit my lip, tears pricking my eyes as I looked down at the knife, my heart fluttering at his words. Sure, it wasn't exactly a love confession, but the fact that he still saw me as being that close to him meant that there was hope. I looked back up at Peter as I raised the blade.

"Do you trust me, Pete?" I asked. He sighed, his eyes wavering as he sat down on the closed toilet seat.

"Have at it." He chuckled tiredly. I smiled and nodded, making him roll his eyes playfully as I moved closer to him.

"First, it was just sleeping pills and stuff that May brought back from the hospital, that stuff was legitimate because I couldn't sleep anymore. But then it worked its way up from prescribed sleeping pills, to a joint every day, to things like ecstasy and eventually heroin. It's embarrassing how much time and money that I spent on that shit over the years." Peter mumbled, catching me up on the last five years as I continued to shave his beard.

"It's not embarrassing Pete, it was an addiction. Addictions do that to people, it's not your fault and you shouldn't be embarrassed about it. Though, I can't lie, I'm still a little upset that you turned to pills and alcohol over people like May and I." I admitted. Peter sighed and nodded as he looked at me.

"I know. But everyone had their own stuff, you were also dealing with having lost MJ. You didn't need my growing alcoholism and addictions added to your pile of shit to worry about." He scoffed. I looked at him.

"I did, though. Because I could have helped." I nodded. He sighed and returned it as he gave me a small smile. I returned his sigh as I tried to bend the blade around Peter's jawline, but wasn't able to.

"Hang on, I need a better angle." I mumbled as I instinctively put a leg over Peter's lap and straddled his waist in order to get a better angle. Peter's eyes widened at my movement, making mine widen too as I realised what I'd done.

"Fuck, sorry, Pete, I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable." I gulped as I started to move my leg.

"No, you didn't." he reassured, stopping my leg in its movements and pulling it back down so that I was sitting on his lap. I gulped and forced a smile onto my lips as butterflies started to flutter in my stomach, the feeling not helped by how Peter was now looking at me.

"Why are you looking at me like that, Pete?" I chuckled quietly, my heart racing in my chest as I tried to focus on not accidentally cutting him over the way that his beautiful chocolate orbs were following my movements.

"No, you just...you look cute sitting on my lap." He admitted. My heart leapt at his words, all of the heat in my body rushing to my cheeks and making me feel like my face was on fire as I got the last bit of shaving cream off of his face before wiping it on the towel that was over his shoulder.

"And you look cute with a clean-cut face again." I smiled, making him return it as I gave his cheek a gentle pat with my hand before standing from his lap.

"Thank you, Y/N, I appreciate you not killing me." He teased as he stood up. I playfully rolled my eyes and leant against the doorway of the bathroom as Peter looked in the mirror. His eyes widened slightly, his hand raising to cup his chin and face as he admired my work.

"Wow." He whispered and shook his head, the boy seemingly mesmerised by his reflection as he just stared at it. My eyes widened slightly, my heart warming up at how cute he was being as I realised why he was so in awe of the change.

"Pete, is...is this the first time since you left that you've had a shaven face?" I chuckled. He nodded and bit his lip as he looked at me.

"Yeah, it is. The only mirrors in the house were cracked to shit, and I never had any razors with me, so I had no choice but to let it grow out. Fuck, babe, I'd completely forgotten what I look like without the hair." He smiled and shook his head. My eyes widened once again, my heart fluttering violently in my chest at the nickname. He'd called me 'babe'. I knew that I was at the point where I had fallen for Peter, but I hadn't realised that he was also potentially falling. There was a chance.

"Well, now you're back to looking as cute as you looked in high school." I nodded. His head shot to look at me again, his eyebrow raising as he clearly tried not to smirk.

"You thought that I was cute in high school?" He smiled. My eyes widened again, though Peter noticed this time as I gulped harshly.

"Fuck you, Peter, stop trapping me!" I exclaimed as I turned to walk away from him.

"You have to compliment me for me to trap you, babe!" He called after me, making me smirk and shake my head as I walked away.

"There is literally nothing to eat in this house." I huffed, my eyes scanning over my emptying cupboards as I looked through every bit of the kitchen for snacks that Peter and I could have.

"Didn't you go shopping, like, three days ago?" The boy chuckled from his spot on the sofa.

"Yeah, but I keep forgetting that I'm now shopping for two people, not one, so I keep buying not enough food." I mumbled as I opened the freezer. My eyes widened.

"Ice cream, fucking jackpot!" I yelled triumphantly, making Peter laugh and shake his head as I grabbed the carton and closed the freezer before grabbing two spoons.

"That's not actual food, Y/N, we can't eat ice cream for dinner. Let's just get takeout." He chuckled and shook his head as I sat down next to him on the sofa and crossed my legs underneath me.

"A greasy pizza or burger or some shit like that isn't healthy either, we're having ice cream." I nodded.

"No it's not healthy, but it's marginally better than literally frozen milk and sugar." He kept teasing. I looked at him.

"Do you want some or not-."

"Fuck yeah, I want some, give me that spoon." He scoffed, making me laugh at him as he leant forward and took one of the spoons from my hand as I opened the carton.

"How was work?" Peter asked, making me sigh and shake my head as we both started to dig into the ice cream.

"Awful, as always. Mr Jameson hated me anyway but I swear to god that he wants me dead instead of just fired since I managed to get that paragraph about how Queens loved Spider-Man into my last article. As if he didn't fucking leave it in there too. He's just salty because his plan to make a statement out of me backfired." I mumbled.

"Oh, yeah, I saw it once I moved in. You still had the newspaper lying around. I appreciated it, by the way. What you said about me." He nodded. I shrugged and gave him a small smile as we both reached our spoons into the carton.

"What I said was true, Pete. Queens really went downhill when you vanished. The crime rates shot up, the police couldn't handle it, we were in shambles. Of course that's not me blaming you for disappearing, but what I said is true. Queens missed their hero." I admitted.

"Well, they'll get him back soon if all continues to go well. I feel a lot better, a long stronger physically, it's just my mental state that I'm questioning. I mean, I'm okay day-to-day, but what happens if I'm out there and, I don't know, I get a flashback or something? What happens if I get someone hurt because I'm not focused?" He asked as he put the spoon of ice cream into his mouth. I sighed and looked at him.

"I don't know, Pete. I wish that I did. But what I do know is that Queens will wait for you. They've already waited for five years, they can wait another few months if that's what you need." I reassured.

"Thanks, Y/N." He gave me a small smile, making me return it as I just looked at him. I gazed at Peter and gulped slightly as I found myself looking at the small things about him. The way that his eyes crinkled when he laughed, or the way his built-back-up biceps flexed when he did something as simple as eat the ice cream that was on his spoon. I was noticing all of the things that were making me fall in love with him more by the day, and yet for some reason, as I sat there quietly admiring the boy who I was sure was the love of my life, I had one single question on my mind. And I was dying to ask it. I'd been dying to ask it for the last five and a half years.

"Pete, can I, um...can I ask you something?" I asked, making him look at me.

"Sure." He nodded as he put another spoon of the ice cream into his mouth. I looked at him and gulped harshly, my heart starting to pound in my chest as I tried to work out how he'd react to what I was about to ask him.

"What did Karen say to you the moment after MJ died?" I asked. Peter immediately froze, his eyes wavering at my words. He sighed, giving me a small smile as he put the spoon down onto the coffee table before turning his body to fully face me.

"Did you ever see the results of the autopsy that they did on her body? Just to confirm what had killed her?" he asked. I shook my head, making him sigh again and gulp as he looked at me timidly.

"The autopsy confirmed her cause of death to be a snapped neck. When, um, when I asked Karen if she detected a heartbeat, she said that the whiplash from having been caught so suddenly by my web had caused MJ's neck to break instantly, killing her in a second. She confirmed that I had killed MJ." He nodded, his eyes wavering as a tear left them. My eyes widened slightly at his words, my heart virtually stopping in my chest as my gaze wavered. Whilst of course I knew that Peter had always blamed himself for MJ's death, I always assumed that it had been because he just hadn't caught her quickly enough. But no. He had caught her quickly enough, but that had ended up being the whole problem. Peter had actually killed MJ.

"Peter, I...I'm so sorry...I always thought that you just blamed yourself, I never thought that you actually-."

"Please don't say it, Y/N." He choked and shook his head, tears leaving his eyes as he looked wearily at me. I gulped harshly, tears also starting to roll down my face as Peter looked down at his lap.

"You probably think that I'm a monster now, huh. The guy who killed your best friend and his girlfriend." he chuckled and shook his head, though I could tell that the humoured sound was only to cover up how much pain that he was clearly in.

"Hey, no, Pete. Don't say that." I spoke quietly, making him raise his head and gulp as I shifted closer to him and took his hands into mine. I sighed and raked my eyes over his face, the boy returning the gaze as I desperately tried not to look at his lips.

"You're not a monster, Peter. You're not a monster. You did everything that you could to save her, it just so happened that on that one occasion, gravity took her before you could. You made a mistake, and that's okay because everyone makes those. What happened doesn't make you a monster. It makes you human, probably more than the rest of us. You're not a monster, Peter Parker." I whispered and shook my head. His chocolate orbs stared into my own eyes, his gaze glassy and heartbroken as tears spilled from his eyes.

"You really believe that, babe? You really believe that I'm not a monster?" He choked. I nodded and bit my lip as I raised my hand to cup his cheek, the boy leaning into my touch as he put his hand over mine.

"I believe that with every fucking part of me. You, Peter Benjamin Parker, are not a monster." I whispered again. He gulped harshly and nodded, his eyes squeezing shut as we both continued to cry. I could tell that knowing that he'd killed MJ had been crushing for Peter all of these years, and so it meant a lot to him to be told that he wasn't a monster. It just broke my heart that I hadn't known to tell him that five years ago.

"Thank you, Y/N. Thank you so fucking much." He choked and shook his head as he moved forward and tightly wrapped his arms around me. I returned the hug, Peter sobbing into my hair and holding onto me for dear life as my heart broke further at the sound of him so upset and broken. But he was okay now, and that was what mattered. We continued to hold each other, Peter's tears wetting my shoulder slightly but I didn't care. Being back in his arms, having him there to fight this together, what was what mattered. We were both surviving, and that was what was still keeping me going, despite everything. We were surviving. And we were surviving together.