******

Grief, is love with no place to go.

Love with no home to house it. No body to receive it.

Grief is pain that leaves you with no room to breathe.

Grief can break you slowly or quickly. Calling to depths of you that you do not know exist or could break so deeply. 

He had loved and he had lost a lot. So now it made sense that their love had no where to go. The feeling that felt all consuming when she was there or when he was just being her, will have no where to go. So, all he could do was will himself to forget.

To take the pain and all he felt that was tied to her and forget it. Throw it so down in his memory recess, so he could move on.

Jason picked the torn pieces of letter and stored it with the rest.

This was his proof. That her love couldn't break him again, that their love wouldn't make them break each other. He was better at it now, keeping the shattered pieces of their love locked away. In a place where it didn't leave him feeling like he could not function.

His therapist had taught him that. That if he took it one day at a time he could survive this. That one day it wouldn't hurt so bad.

******
The Matthews house was busy. Jason was thankful that it was. The buzz,the noise, everything served as a distraction for him

To his left, his dad and Xav was manning the grill with Thanksgiving turkey being cooked.

Jason was in charge of the drinks and he was doing it diligently. Taking his time to make sure all the glasses and variety of drinks were arranged properly. To his left there was orange punch for the children, red and white wine and soda.

His head was pounding and he felt a little cold. Like he was in the early stages of catching a flu, or he didn't just know what was wrong.

Lily was jumping up and down trying to explain something to his sister, Jacinth and for some reason it made him smile.

He loved his little girl so much. Much more than he thought he could love a human being and she was light. His light.

His chest felt like it was tying up in knots and he rubbed his fist over it trying to soothe the pain as if the cause was physical. The pieces of paper he had gathered from where Liz threw it was burning a hole in his pocket.

Jason knew what he said to her but he still haven't taken out time to process it. That this was it. He kept willing himself to forget.

The Thanksgiving table was rowdy. Smell of roasted turkey, mashed potatoes, lasagna, home baked bread and Mac and cheese filled the air. The entire family were sitting around a huge table and with the clanks of spoons and metals announcing everyone's interest in digging in.

Jason had filled his plate with his own turkey, some mashed potato and sweet corn. The food looked like ghee and he kept picking at it. Loving the distraction yet wanting nothing more than to crawl into bed and sleep for days without end.

"Tolulope," his mother called and he raised his head to answer.

"Are you okay? You look a little sick?"

His answering response was a mod and a fake smile that didn't reach his eyes.

"Did you speak to aunt Lizzy?" Judith the youngest of his three sisters asked.

How could he even run away from the grief of her loss, when everything reminded him of her.

"Eat your food." His voice was a low growl.

Jadesola who sat  beside Judith winced. Jason had told her he had forgiven her but she kept carrying the guilt of the role she had to play in their separation.

Xav who has been eating quietly answered, "she's around here in LA and I can take you to go and meet her." He didn't even know why he dropped the bomb. That Liz was back, but somehow it made no sense to hide it.

The shock that gripped the dinner table came with silence and almost immediately everybody began to ask questions.

"Elizabeth is here in LA and you didn't bring her to Thanksgiving dinner?" His mother asked.

"Are you guys getting a divorce because of me?" Jadesola countered and Jason roared off in anger, "not everything is a out you Jadesola!'

"Don't shout at her like that Jason," his dad answered now raising his own voice.

Almost immediately everybody began to talk at once and it began to feel so crowded it felt like the neck of the T shirt he had on was strangling him and he couldn't breathe well enough.

One minute he was seated with everyone throwing their Liz related question at him, the next he was slamming his fist on the table as hard as he could to restore order and bringing the Chaos on the table to a quiet standstill and rattling the plates and cups, the words slipped out of his, "we are getting a divorce."

He didn't wait to hear their reaction, choosing instead to excuse himself from the dinner table and walking off.
Xav followed closely at his heel.

"Jason!" He screamed in anger.

"Sit and eat your food man," Jason replied storming off till he entered the terrace.

The blow that landed to Jason's chin the next minute was a very big shock.

Jason didn't bother to ask why Xav punched him instead he lunged back for blood, sending a quick blow to Xav's face. The tussle brought everyone's attention to the Terrace with his dad trying to break up the scuffle.

"Enough! Stop it both of you," he roared his baritone voice flowing seamlessly in the windy night.

"You're such a coward. You know that right?" Xav taunted angrily suddenly so fed up with Jason's choice.

The jaunt infuriated Jason sending him into a launch of furry and he started hurling blows wherever he could find. Xav started throwing his own blows in return.

"Whoever throws one more blow in my house tonight I'll make sure you pay with your blood"Mummy said right now in such a stern voice.

Xav stopped in obedience and I stead said, "so are you not going to tell them about the fact that she is 6 months pregnant? Don't they deserve to know how their grandchild is faring?

"Stay the fuck out it." Jason thundered his entire body shaking with so much barely contained rage, he looked like a stranger.

"If I don't what will you do? Or you'll cut me off when you learn that I have attempted suicide twice too? You know the most annoying part of all this? You thinking suicide is selfish, because it isn't about you. It is a pain coping mechanism, it is death caused by the illness of depression. It is the final symptom where you collapse under the unbearable weight of pain and emptiness."

Xav was heaving loudly when he finished and Jason just stood there in shock at his confession. Xav was the strongest person he knew, so not one in a million years would he have thought Xav was struggling with his mental health.

He hated the fact that all Xav said sounded so true and like someone who had no will to fight again he slumped his shoulder and started to walk away.

"Did you bother to ask Liz why she didn't come see you in those two days? For someone who missed the first 5years of his child's life, I was thinking you'll be invested in this child and the mothers well being." Xav called after him.

Jason didn't say anything in response.

"She has an appointment tomorrow, go with her or not, the choice is left for you."

******
Jason had stormed off back inside to pick his car keys when he almost collided into Lily.

His little princess was sleepy and rubbing her eyes with the back of her hands and she looked so cute and innocent it distracted him from his own internal turmoil.

"Daddy," Lily called out and ran to hug him. Jason scooped her up, running his hands in a soothing manner over her back to calm her down and took her towards the bed.

Once he lay Lily down on the sky blue bed sheet with love prints in navy blue and bent to kiss her goodnight, she said, "sorry daddy. Don't be so sad anymore sorry."

Whatever Jason was holding onto was  dissolved in hot wax. It was like his barrier came tumbling down and he hugged her tight kissing her hair and suddenly feeling like he was going to cry. All the feelings he had supressed for so long was bubbling and he didn't know what to do than to hug his baby and watch her pat his back in her best attempt to comfort him.

After tucking lily in, Jason took his car keys and drove into the night.

He went as far as the gas he had could carry him before he pulled by a gas station and just sit in his car with the windows up, red rimmed eyes, tired after driving all night and finally wanting to see her. Every tiny detail his mind captured from seeing her at that hallway poured in and he soaked it in.

The rest of the night he spent driving back home and when he finally got home, he stood in front of the bathroom mirror with a clipper in his hands, he was going to be a new man in the morning when he showed his face at her door.

****

Liz wasn't ready to face Xav yet. So she pulled the duvet closer and the box of tissues that she used crying her self to sleep last night rolled off the bed.

She had spent the whole of last night, packing, sobbing, and cursing at Pamela. Now in the morning after, she felt strangely empty and she didn't want to go to the scheduled doctor's appointment.

Xav wasn't taking no for an answer as his knuckles rapped on the door incessantly leaving her with no choice but to get up not minding the short blue robe she had on.

Liz was sure she conjured him at least once,the last five months but not know when all she wanted to do was forget him.

How possible was it that her mind will twist up an image and he will be here right in front of her when just hours he had told her he didn't want her.

But this wasn't her man. This man had bald hair and her man had thick luscious hair that she used to love to run her hand in when he used to be hers.

So like clockwork, she slammed the door shut in the strangers face and went back to bed in denial.

The knocking continued now with name calling and Liz placed one soft feather like pillow over her ears, blocking out the noise till the noise couldn't be ignored anymore.

This time around she yanked the door open ready to pour out her fury at the stranger at the door when the stranger that looked like Jason spoke.

"Why are you opening the door wearing just a short robe what if it isn't me at the door?"

The question shocked Liz so much she had her mouth draped wide open at his sheer audacity and for the second time she slammed the door shut in his face letting out a loud hiss.

********
Good health is so overated guys! All your plans won't matter if you're unhealthy. I've had two trips to the A&E within the last two weeks and an experience that scared the hell out of me. I couldn't walk, I couldn't talk and it still feels surreal the stuff that happened to me.

For someone that is so independent, I had to be carried and I was such a liability it is still so much of a big experience.

If all you are is healthy you don't know what God has done for you.

Well, I spent my birthday in the Accident and Emergency department now I'm receiving wishes and money.

Send me a prayer people.
Love,
Orex.