****

Up close the clouds looked like fuzzy, huge balls of white cotton wool.
Liz kept staring at the clouds through the airplane's window and let out a bone weary sigh. Her brows were drawn together in concentration as she stared out.

She had her legs curled up underneath her and her arms wrapped protectively around her still flat stomach. Ever since she found out she was pregnant, she was constantly touching her stomach to remind herself that life was really growing in there.

She needed to feel the warm skin, it kept her sane, right now it was the only thing keeping her sane.

Few feet from her, Pamela was sitting with her head resting on her husband's shoulder.

Pamela had told her she was going to Lagos without giving her room for arguments two nights ago.  Here they were now on Chris's personal jet enroute to Lagos.

Liz didn't even argue, she didn't want to be alone. She didn't want to go home either, she didn't have a home to go to.

Pamela still hasn't said one word about the suicide attempt to her. But Liz could see the questions, pain and guilt in her eyes. When she entered that hospital room two days ago after Chris walked out on Liz, she had wrapped her arms around Liz from the back and had hugged her in silence.

The first few hours after he left felt like she was drowning. Especially when she knew he wasn't going to come back.

Let's stop now Liz, we aren't loving right.

Liz was still so lost in thought and didn't know when Pamela got up, till she felt her coming to seat beside her and placed her head on Liz's shoulder.

Liz turned her head to rest it on Pamela's own before whispering, "I'm sorry Pam." her throat started clogging with tears.

She still had more tears to shed. Even when she thought she had no more.
The shame was a like a bitter pill to swallow. Shame was the only major emotion that was prominent the last two days.

"I am hurting Liz. I swear you hurt me, but we are going to be okay. We are going to go to Lagos and you'll go to therapy. You'll learn to live for yourself."

"He left me," Liz whispered quietly.

"I know baby. And I know you love him. I know he loves you with all his heart. But Liz, Jason can't fix you, it's not his job."

"Where do I start from all by myself with a baby?"

"Look into my eyes Elizabeth," Pamela commanded and gripped Liz's hand tight in her palms, staring straight into Liz's eyes.

"We will figure it out together. You're not alone, you're never alone. You have me, Chris, you have two beautiful children in Dan and Ella. Joy, Jude, Jason, your in-laws, who have been calling me non stop. We will support you even when it is hard, you just have to lean on me like you are right now, okay?"

Liz nodded and started crying then placed her head on Pamela's lap.

*****
One month Later.

"If you miscarried that baby will you still want to live?" Julie Adenuga; the new therapist Liz was seeing asked.

Liz suddenly felt a bone chilling cold and adjusted on the cushion not knowing how to answer the question that made her feel sick to her stomach.  Her right hand was propped on the chair's arm rest supporting her head. And her legs were thrust forth in front of her on the soft golden brown cushions in reckless abandon.

The office was different from every other ones she has been in. It was done in such a way that made it look more like a home than an office. From the rugged floor to the soft cushions, and the art pieces. Liz fixed her eyes on one of such stunning artwork. It was a painting of a sad girl child who tied an Ankara print fabric on her chest with her hair made into cornrows that looked messy.

Her eyes were sad yet so full of life. She had dried tear stain marks on her cheeks, yet somehow managed to have a bright smile on her face. It told the story of a girl who had gone through the sad days and was slowly moving on with a smile on her face.

The question felt like a heavy blow. The answer was one that scared her.

"I don't know." Liz lied, her voice not more than a whisper while still staring at the wall.

She knew the answer, they both knew the answer Liz gave was wrong.

Julie crossed both legs under her and tilted her head to give Liz a penetrating stare.

At that very angle she remembered Jason. How he used to cock his head to state at her more deeply and Liz winced sharply. The memory felt so real and tangible like she could stretch out her hand to touch him while he did that.

"Okay." Julie concluded, deciding not to flog that matter further. Instead she took a new line of questioning, "It has been a month since you came to Lagos and apart from your husband right?"

Liz nodded in response and fiddled her hands feeling strangely empty without her wedding ring.

"I took off my wedding ring today." She blurted out.

Julie shot her a tiny smile to encourage her to go on. "How did that make you feel?"

"Naked. It just feels weird, I have always had it on for the last two years. And I..I.. It's like I'm naked, empty, like I'm fully alone." Liz stuttered.

A long silence followed Liz's statement for a while till she spoke again:

"I'm always angry. Now that I am no longer crying daily all I have is anger. I try to cling onto tiny moments of joy I get from Pamela and her family but it doesn't change what I feel inside especially when I'm alone."

"What are you mad at?" Julie asked gently.

"Me most times. Why am I so weak? Why am I so flawed? Look at me being a liability to Pamela. Why do I taint every thing I touch? I am not the first girl who was raped, why can't I just deal with it?" Stray tears ran down Liz's cheeks and she wiped them off furiously.

"Elizabeth, you spent twenty seven years of your life dealing with trauma. You can't fix all of it in two years of marriage. Yet, look at you! You forgave your mother, you can now take a man lying on you without going into panic attacks. You opened your heart to love a child that wasn't yours, you started a shelter for abused children. How come you don't see your progress and all you have achieved but only your flaws?"

"If I have achieved so much then tell me why did I try to kill myself?"

"Healing isn't linear. Just like life it has it's up's and downs. So it is okay to have extremely bad days. We are all flawed, sometimes we all struggle."

"Why is it so hard? Why are we dying to live if we only live to die?" Liz asked staring straight at Julie.

"It all boils down on why do you want to live? I want you to take that as an exercise and think long and hard. What about living excites you? Beyond Jason, your baby and Pamela."

"I'm not sure I know what the answer will be." Liz answered.

"It's okay. Take your time, it is your assignment for the week," Julie pushed down her cute eye glasses to wink at her and Liz couldn't help but smile.

This woman had a calming yet unnerving presence that made you spill all your darkest, deepest secrets.

"Our appointment is over for today. I will see you here on Friday right?" Julie asked for confirmation but Liz knew what the underlying message meant.

She was asking if Liz was going to be alive till then.

"Yes. Yes, you'll see me here on Friday." Liz replied pursing her lips and got up.

"Okay then." Julie answered.

*********

"Ah!" Liz exclaimed and plopped down on the bed face down then finally rolled on her back.

She was exhausted. Apart from going to therapy, Pamela had invited someone to make her hair into braids. According to Pamela, Liz looked like a scavenger hunter and needed a switch up.

Liz had stayed with Pamela and her husband for the first week before she moved out to the tiny one room flat behind their building. Even though she wasn't sure living alone was the best thing for her, she couldn't stomach being around Pamela especially with how happy her home was. It was the constant reminder of what she lost.

She tried hard not to let their happiness get to her but it did. Also Pamela deserved to be free in her own home not wondering whether touching her husband in front of Liz was going to hurt her.

The first one week was excruciatingly painful. It felt like she was painfully disconnected from her body. Like something or someone was ripping her soul out especially when the loneliness came.

She had struggled so hard not to call or text him. She could barely stop herself from asking about him or constantly thinking about him.

She barely ate or slept. She just cried or floated in day in or day out. Everything was a chore in the first week, she spent all day in bed.

Liz rubbed her belly again to remind her that the beating flesh was still there. It was more like a routine.

It had helped her on the days she was questioning her purpose to breathe, when happiness felt so far away. On the days her mind tried to convince her she wasn't enough. God had sent her a miracle in her darkest hour.

Her scalp tingled a little from the braids she had on but not so much to cause her extreme pain. So she adjusted herself on the bed to try to sleep. The slow hum of the generator sound that used to grate on her nerves when she first moved here sounded like a lullaby lulling her gently into a relaxed state.

Sad blue-grey eyes.

That picture was constantly replaying whenever she closed her eyes.

The way his usual proud shoulders slouched in defeat, he looked far from her happy, naughty man.

"Lizzy yo!" Pamela screamed and knocked the door loudly then pushed it open before Liz could invite her in.

"I want to sleep Pamela, go away." Liz picked up an extra pillow and put it over her head.

"How was your session today?"Pamela asked and Liz peeked to look at her. She was still in her hospital scrubs.

"Fine. Now go away!"

Pamela just lay back down on the bed beside her ignoring Liz's instructions.

"You won't believe what just happened?" Pamela rattled on not caring about Liz at all.

"I will believe what happen when you tell me after I wake up." Liz replied and Pamela chuckled.

"Well my dear you will have to believe it right now cause it is urgent. Your mother in-law called me today." Pam began and Liz groaned.

"Apparently someone called Iya Agba knows you are in Lagos and has sent a driver to pick you. "

Liz flung of the pillow and sat up, ramrod straight on the bed. Her mouth opened in comical shock and her eyes widened. "Iya Agba."

"The number kept calling me over and over in the hospital I had to rush home. I tried to act like I didn't know where you were but that woman kept speaking Yoruba and twisting my head. I had to direct them to the hospital and we came home together."

"Wait, Iya Agba is here?" Liz asked very suddenly anxious.

"Yes she is in the living room."

"No. No. I can't see her." Liz said panicking and wringing her hands in the air.

You know there is a part of Jason that always wants to fix the broken parts of people, my prayer is someday that you wouldn't break him too.

His grandmother warning sounded fresh to her now.

"You have to Liz. She came all the way here to see you." Pamela cajoled and Liz rolled her eyes first, followed by a loud hiss.

Thirty minutes later after lots of death threats and cajoling Liz turned the door handle and entered the living room.

The well aged woman who looked graceful even as she sat bent on the couch with her walking stick in hand made Liz's eyes tear up.

"Elizabeth!" Iya Agba called out first fixing Liz with a bone chilling stare, "Are you just going to stand there? Are you not going to hug me?"

Liz didn't know what came over but she rushed toward the older woman and hugged her tight. A loud sob leaving her mouth. Blame it on the hormones but seeing her was the closest she was to seeing him and the fact that Iya Agba had travelled all the way to Lagos to see her felt so overwhelming.

Liz felt Iya Agba's soft pat on her back,  comforting her in such a way that felt like she was home.

"You're coming home with me. No argument, you're carrying my first great grandchild."

*****

O.m.g! I didn't mean to be gone for so long but Life was happening so fast. By life I mean school. This girl has been busy. I'm writing this in my pathology class right now😂😂

So sorry came. I've been so out of shape writing, didn't like this chapter but here you go.

I missed you so so much. see you on Wednesday.

Love,
Orex