***
"Your skin isn't paper, don't cut it"

****

Jason was a crier.

The first time he broke into tears in public was when he was five. He couldn't understand why the kids were scared of him and ran away. If you think growing up black was hard, imagine being black with blue and grey eyes.

He had ran home to his mother and she let him cry. Not once growing up did it ever feel like it was not okay to be emotional.

He hated the fact that because he was emotional it didn't make him man enough or tough enough until he met Liz. She could call him a cry baby and still that was okay.

Jason had cried the first time he saw her on the altar. He cried when she read her first love letter. Every time she was vulnerable with him, he got emotional.

You'll think the tears will pour out of him when he came home to Liz lying lifeless on the floor, but no, the water works didn't come.

He didn't cry when he got home and found the ambulance at their driveway. He didn't cry when he carried her downstairs with her blood staining his shirt. Not even when they had taken her into emergency ward and he had begged the doctor to save her and his baby.

He stood outside the hospital room watching as they kept taking in bags of blood and plasma.

"She cut too deep." The doctor had said when he asked if she was alright.

Slowly he sat outside that hospital room and watched a piece of him die alongside with her. The pungent smell of antiseptic hit his nose over and over till he wanted to puke out his guts yet he held it in.

He didn't deserve to cry.

"The baby is still alive." The doctor had come back to declare, yet he remained in this mechanical aloof state.

He kept all composure when he had called back to tell Pamela and joy what happened. He also called Xav and asked him if he could come to San Fran but he didn't call his family or her family. Not yet at least.

A nurse had come to tell him he could go in and he entered, clutching the blood stained note that was addressed to him in his right hand.

Beep.

Beep.

Beep.

The beeping sounds of the heart rate monitor was the only sound in the room. A bag of blood was being passed to her vein hanging off her left arm.

She looked so tiny with so much machines hanging off her. They put Liz under a two day medically induced coma so that her body could recuperate and the baby could have a better fighting chance. So it made sense why she had all these machines hanging off her.

Jason could hear his heart pounding in fear as he stepped further into the hospital room.

As he got closer he stared at her pale skin which was usually fair but was now chalky white. Her face looked peaceful in sleep but she looked so fragile too fragile, like glass that could shatter if you touch it.

He was scared of reaching out his hand to touch her so he didn't.

The more he stared at her the more his heart ached. The more he understood what failure means.

Do you know what's worse than failing at something? It's failing someone that means the most to you. It is the worst kind of inadequacy.

He couldn't bare to look at the bandage on her left wrist.

Jason sat there all through the night.

Morning came and Joy rushed into the Emergency Unit and after so many questions which he answered gently and truthfully she offered to watch over Liz while he went home to change out of his shirt but Jason refused.

He just sat there on that bedside chair not crying or touching her but clinging to the note she wrote him.

Jason still didn't leave her side when Xav arrived and asked him to. He was going to stay here till she woke up.

The next morning of the second day Pamela rushed in with Chris her husband. They had taken the first flight out yesterday morning.

"Where is Liz? Why will she do that?" Pamela asked in succession her voice panicked with eyes swollen like little eggs.
T

he couple looked tired from their flight from Nigeria.

Jason opened his mouth to answer but his voice was a mere croak. He winced sharply at how much speaking hurt and swallowed a lump of saliva.

Chris handed him the bottle water in his hand and he took a swig drowning the whole bottle. It just occurred to him that he hasn't eaten or drank anything for almost a day.

"Man you need to rest," Chris advised with his hand on Jason's arm.

"They put her in a medical induced coma. She was supposed to be up today but they are giving her one more day to rest for the sake of the baby." His voice was a low whisper. Every word was draining him.

"Liz is pregnant?" Pamela asked with her mouth open and brows raised.

Jason nodded and rubbed his hand to his temple, massaging it gently.

"Is that why she did this, because she didn't want to have a child?" Pamela asked confused.

"No. She did it because of me, I'm the reason she tried to kill herself." Jason welcomed the harsh reality of the words that came out of his lips and he stumbled backwards a little. Almost like the words were heavy enough to knock the winds out of him.

"I don't understand." Chris put his arm over Pamela's shoulder.

Jason didn't answer, siddenly he had that urge again to vomit and his body began to shake. The after effect of what happened the last two days just coming full circle.

"What did you do to her," Pamela yelled moving towards him.

Chris dragged her away this time to calm her down.

With feet that felt heavy as lead, Jason walked down the hospital hallway in search of a restroom. The moment he entered he went towards a wash bowl and began to vomit. He puked till his stomach hurt and all that came out had no atom of solid food in it.

Jason gripped the edge of the sink with the rest strength he possessed so that his feet wouldn't give up on him. After a while he began to heave dryly and loudly. When he finally stopped he raised his eyes to look at the man in the mirror.

He stared at the man with blood stained shirt and empty sunken eyes and his body began to shake.

With shaking hands he unwrapped the paper he was still clutching tightly. Then he began to read.

We really tried on forever didn't we? Who told us that love could last forever? But we really tried.

He couldn't read past this point. The gate of his emotions gave way.

Jason almost crumpled to the floor. He suddenly found himself held up by Xavier. Jason didn't even know Xavier followed him silently to the rest room till he felt his strong arms around his waist.

Jason turned his face into Xavier's shirt and let himself break.

The tears came in torrents, he wept like a baby, his shoulder shaking. He bit into his knuckle to stop his tears from being too loud and his other hand hung limply by his side.

Xavier still held him up hugging Jason to his chest, saying nothing.
He just let him cry.

The sobs racked Jason's entire frame, taking all he had to give until he had no more. After what felt like forever he stopped crying, his loud tears turning into whimpers like a sad broken child.

He raised his head and walked back towards the sink washing his face. His eyes felt hot and swollen.

Xavier still didn't say anything. He just stretched forth a bag that contained change of clothe he went out to get earlier and Jason entered one of the stall to change his whole outfit.

"You should eat."Xavier said and Jason nodded, almost as if he couldn't argue, he had no strength anymore.

Jason didn't know until today that you could feel yourself breaking literally. And then, you try to gather your broken pieces together but it's too hard.

The man that followed Xavier was different from his best friend. His shoulders were slouched as if he had the weight of the world on his shoulder, his eyes were bloody red and he looked withdrawn and so sad.

He ate everything Xav put on his plate, chewing gently and eating every single thing.

Jason didn't need a soothsayer to tell him he will never be the same. He knew he wasn't ever going to be the same.

"Xav can I please get a pen and paper?"
Xav nodded and went to get some.

Jason stared outside the glass window. A graffiti painting of mother and child pained on the wall of the carpark caught his eyes and he stared intently.

"Here," Xav's voice had called out while handing over what he requested.

"Can you leave me alone for a while?" He begged.

Xav nodded in understanding and walked to the far end of the cafeteria.

Jason sat there for a whole hour staring out the window before he started to write.

This was goodbye, he was helping her let go of her trigger.

******
"She wants to see you," Pamela said, and touched him on the shoulder gently.

Liz had woken up two days ago. But he hasn't gone in to see her, he just waited for her to be ready to see him.

Jason sighed heavily and nodded in response then entered the room alone.

His eyes sought hers the moment he entered but she wasn't looking at him. Liz's eyes were empty, fixated on the blue blanket like it was interesting.

Jason sat on the bedside chair, not saying anything. Too much words have been said in their relationship already.

"Say something," Liz begged after what felt like an eternity of nerve wracking silence.

"How do you feel?" He asked studying every single detail about her.

He needed to remember how she looked, every single detail of her face.

"Fine." Not raising her head to look at him. Her nimble fingers played with the edge of the blanket pulling out a loose thread over and over.

"I didn't know I was pregnant. I swear I didn't." Liz started still not raising her head to meet the mismatched eyes she claimed to love so much.

"It's okay." Jason answered, his voice sounded strange to his ears. "What do you want?"

"I don't know."

"Do you want to keep the baby?" he asked his voice still modulated.

Liz's hand moved now towards her belly to rub it and he felt himself choke with emotion.

"I don't know." She answered. Silence followed her statement. He didn't try to convince her to keep the child.

"Let's get a divorce." He found himself saying as silent tears slipped down his cheeks.

Jason watched her body go rigid with shock and tears leak out of her own eyes. She wasn't expecting that, he wasn't expecting himself to say that either.

He should be there for her right now right?He had to do this for himself.

Liz, she was the one that was going to break him. He couldn't carry her when he was broken.

He wasn't strong enough to heal her. He wasn't strong enough to hold himself up for himself. Especially now that he knew he was her trigger.

At what point does supporting someone struggling breaks you?

He wasn't good enough to be the reason she lived or die.

Jason wiped his cheeks and sniffed. "I know you think you need my support and help right now but you don't."

Liz still refused to speak but she was crying now.

"Here," Jason placed beside the bed his own note and his wedding band. "Keep the rings."

Jason felt like he was being torn apart when he got to the door. Walking out of love is hard, it breaks you in places you aren't sure time will heal.

"Jason," Liz cried raising her head to meet his, for the first time.

Tears slipped down her cheeks and the word sounded like a plea, a prayer, coming from her lips. Jason turned to stare at her with his own wet face.

His heart felt like it was being torn out of his body and stomped upon. One minute he was at the door, the next he was beside her on bed crushing her body to him and kissing her forehead in a lingering kiss.

"We shouldn't keep breaking each other. We aren't loving right." He sniffed kissing her smelly hair.

He felt the shivers from her body and with tears on his lips he kissed her on the forehead for the last time and walked out.

As he walked out of the hospital room, knowing she was hurting and he couldn't comfort her, Jason prayed someday she read that letter.

***
"Goodbye Ebun," the text read.

You don't know fear until you are watching someone slip from your fingers. My body was shaking violently and I started to call. I called seventeen times.

I could hear my heart beating, my legs were shaking. I've never felt more afraid.

He finally texted back and didn't go through with the suicide. Some days I ask myself what would have happened if he did?

Would I still be the same?

No one talks about how hard it is supporting people that struggle with mental health issues. It is hard, very hard.

I poured myself into Jason's character. I am most connected to him.
It made sense for it to be Jason that ended their relationship. If she truly wanted to heal, she needed to live for herself.

Jason took the brunt of their toxic relationship, he needed to walk away.

Now I look back to myself through Jason's character and I'll say "their demons are not yours to inherit."

You can't give out what you don't have. How do you support someone from what you barely have? Joy, peace, abundance and healing has to start from you.

At what point does supporting someone else begin to break you?

Before you say Jason shouldn't leave her now that she needs him most, I want you to know that you can't judge someone for a pain you have never experienced.

*Sighs* this is our last major sad chapter.

Healing vibes from here forth!

Someone should come and hug me biko.

Dear Waleeyat thank you for letting us hold each other up.

Love,
Orex.