****

Jason

Empty.

I stretched my hands again beside me searching and all I found was a cold empty space beside me.

She left me.

Immediately I opened my eyes going fully into panic mode and switched on the Egyptian style bed style lamp.

My heart was thumping loudly as my eyes adjusted quickly to the light and settled on the curled up figure on the couch.

I let out a harsh breath I didn't even know I was holding and rubbed my eyes to clear the sleep.

The bedside clock showed that it was few minutes past five already.

I got up and made towards the couch. It was a one seated brown couch at the end of the room, where you can sit on to put on your shoes or put it off.

So, imagine how uncomfortable it must be for Liz. She had tucked in her legs under and placed her head on the arm of the chair. Curled up like a little girl.

My forever girl.

Last night when I finished showering and returned to the closet Liz had fallen asleep and I had to carry her to bed.

Even in sleep Liz wore a tiny puckered frown and her rosebud lips jutted forward in a pout.

Last night I felt like memorising her features and burning it to memory but right now the feeling was in even more intense.

I carried her to bed again. Liz relaxed in my arms. Her hands going to curl themselves around my neck and she released a sigh.

I laid her back in bed gently. Pulling the grey blanket over her and just like that she was uncomfortable again. We were both Cuddlers and loved physical contact before going to bed.

I have never wanted to touch her like I do right now but I couldn't and I know she got up from the bed because of me.

Wasn't it just last week we were fighting in a different bed till we broke the bed?

Now we were like strangers leaving the bed for each other.

I picked a pillow and blanket and moved downstairs to use the couch in the smaller coffee room.

The couch was uncomfortable and I tossed over and over before finally asleep. Thoughts of my marriage, Jadesola, our future and the doctor news was heavy on my mind.

***

What's your definition of trust?

Is it just being sure your partner was faithful or knowing someone has your back irrespective of what comes next?

I balanced a tray of blueberry waffles, scrambled eggs, freshly squeezed orange juice and water and climbed the stairs gently.

I was dreading having this conversation with Liz even though I knew we had to have it.

Just as I expected, Liz was awake now. She had her suitcase on the bed and was throwing stuff from the drawers into the suitcase. I sighed heavily and dropped the tray on the vanity table .

Trust isn't just the big things. Its in the little things like knowing someone would smile at you and welcome your presence.

"I brought food." I said gruffly scratching my head and dug my hands into the pocket of my sweat pants.

"Okay." Liz replied and continued with what she was doing.

She was giving me the cold shoulder.

I shuffled on both feet nervously while waiting for her to eat but she was too busy packing.

Seems like we were going home. No way is she going without me.

I brought out my own suitcase too and started packing. We were a package deal and I was going wherever with her.

"What are you doing?" She finally said when she saw me packing. That caught her attention at least.

In her hand was a pair of red lingerie and she shoved it into the brown box.

Her eyes where still the same as yesterday even when she looked at me, it was like she could barely see me.

"I'm going with you." I said it gently like it was the obvious answer.

"I'm going home."

"Then that's where I'm going too."

"Would you just stop," Liz didn't shout either.

"Would you please eat first. You need to eat,"My eyes roamed her body as I spoke. Liz was fresh from the showers but she was dressed and the only evidence was her wet hair.

She had on blue jeans with a white camisole tucked into it and Jean jacket. The jacket had fur trimmings and her hair formed ringlets of curls.

Her face was bare of makeup and she had no jewellery either.

Somehow King Kong was liking the appreciative glance. Like what I needed right now was to get aroused.

Liz nodded in response and moved toward the vanity.

I was so surprised she was eating. Liz took tiny bites. She always ate courteously except when she was stuffing her face with ice cream.

It felt satisfying watching her eat and at the same time it felt weird.

Without trust everything gets messed up. You don't even trust the simplest actions you make.

Here am I asking my self if standing to watch her eat was okay. I must have done it a million times before but it felt just right.

"Thanks." Her voice came through cutting my line of thoughts and pushing away the tray.

So she was done already?

Now I understand that I get lost when I'm watching her. Every single thing amazes me. She finished the whole meal I brought her and it made me so happy.

Liz resumed packing when she got up.

I needed her to say something, to say anything.

I'll take her being mean to me. Honestly, I'll take anything but this. Not this cordial, empty clipped responses.

The need to go to her and hug her. To beg her not to shut me out or ask her if she was okay creeped on me but my feet stood rooted to the spot.

My throat swallowed the 'I love you' that sat there like a huge bone wedged across it.

After a while of nerve wracking silence I finally spoke, "I'm so sorry."

"For what?" Stuffing her shoes into the box now.

"Everything. I'm sorry about everything. I want to fix this Liz, please tell me how to fix it." I begged sitting on the bed beside the box and my voice broke on it's own accord.

"How do you fix what was never broken?"

"Be mad at me babe, be mean to me just please don't shut me out. I can't take that." My voice sounded rough and scratchy even to me.

"Aren't you tired? God if he exists he knows I'm tired. So just go be with your family and let's just stop."

"You are my family. Baby I'll go to counseling I'll do anything to make this right. Just tell me how, just don't let go of me I'm begging you. I can't do that, I can't. I made a mistake and this hurt me too."

Liz snapped a little now, "you didn't make a mistake you made a choice to be with this person so stand by it."

Her eyes widened with realisation almost like she didn't mean to snap at me. Then she swayed on her feet. I reached out to stable her but she raised her hand to halt my actions.

"Just tell me one thing. Is that why you didn't want to touch me? Why couldn't you just tell me it was her you wanted?" She asked as tears slipped out.

"Wh..what?" I stuttered shocked to the core.

Shock registered first followed by disbelief and anger.

"No" he screamed, "it wasn't because I wanted her it was guilt, I couldn't bring myself to touch you when I was lying to you."

"How noble of you." Liz chuckled humorlessly then wiped off her tears furiously and picked up the pace at which she was packing.

She was almost done now. I had to do something.

I moved towards the box and started pulling out the clothes she had neatly arranged. I gathered a lot of them and dumped them into my own box.

"Give me my clothes Jason." She ordered.

"Elizabeth. I swear to you that it wasn't like that, I put that on my relationship and my family. I always want you. Hell, my body has no boundaries when it come to you. Why will you even say something like that?" I said instead.

Somehow that question made me feel so violated. She really thought that little of me?

The fact that she could as me something like that hurts.

"Okay then. Humor me with you answer to this question: will you ever have told me what happened? It's almost eight months!" Liz screamed.

"Do you really expect me to believe it was just a kiss? Or that it didn't matter? Eight whole months you just said nothing, the both of you were probably laughing at my back at how stupid I am. You watched me fall in love with the child of your mistress while seeing how much it took from me?

Do you even love me or just don't want another failed marriage?" Liz spat and it stung.

My chest hurt and my eyes were burning. The question hit me real hard.

"I have never loved anyone in my life the way I love you and I know I messed up but you can't doubt that. Look at all we have been through already."

How can she doubt that?

I felt like shaking her so that the words could stick into her brain.

Like someone with multiple personality disorder Liz just went blank again shutting down totally.

"Let's just stop now. Let's just end this. All we have been doing the last two years is running on mere fumes. Aren't you tired of running? Heaven knows I'm tired."

"What does that mean? I'm not tired, its you I'm journeying with. How can I be tired you're the love of my life." I squeezed my eyes with the pads of my fingers as they filled with tears.

"The house in San Fran you gave it to me as a wedding gift right?" Liz asked going back to her luggage.

I was confused at the question but answered, "yes I did."

"Okay then." Liz wiped her eyes throwing in her makeup bag then continued, "technically the house is mine right?"

I didn't like the direction of the question it scared him. "Yes it is."

"My flight is by four." She said flippantly and I tried to piece everything together.

He pulled out his phone to check the time it was almost one in the afternoon. She had to be at the airport by two.

"You're not leaving without me."

Right now I don't care how much I was going to pay if she was leaving I'm leaving too.

I began typing into my phone quickly with so much concentration. I was reaching out to my travel agent, I needed a flight ticket for 4pm.

My chest was hurting and I bit into my lower lips frustrated. My hair was a mess depending on the number of times I've ran my fingers through.

"Don't come home." Liz said like a tiny whisper but I heard. She knew I heard.

"What do you mean?" I asked with my breath caught in my throat.

"The house is mine right? Don't come back." She said louder.

"Yes, the house is yours but its our home. Where am I supposed to go? What does this even mean?"

I swear my heart feels like it will jump out of my chest. You don't know what love is until you're holding on to something you can't loose.

"I'm going to London. I just need the house for a few days."

Hell no. Over my dead body.

"You're not going to London. Over my dead body before ill let you go home to your mother." I screamed in pain.

I started unpacking her bags with even more speed.

"Leave my stuff alone Jason. " she warned trying to tug the dress he had now out of his hold.

"You have the freaking nerve to be standing there screaming your lungs at me like you have the right? Like you didn't break your marital vows? Like you're not the one breaking us." Her eyes were red rimmed as she screamed in return.

"You could have just told me you had feelings for her." She huffed out.

"Don't tell me about how I feel." I screamed back at her.

At this point my family could practically hear us.

Liz took deep breaths trying to calm down.

"Why did you kiss her though? You know how much that meant to me? I just needed you to give me a little time to wrap my head around Lily. Couldn't you just have given me a little time before you choose? I kept asking you over and over if you wanted to be with me?" She was crying again and my heart broke.

Her eyes were filled with so much betrayal and hurt.

I didn't know I was crying too till I felt the wet streak of tears on my cheeks.

"Baby," I called hoarsely, it was more like a plea. I let go of everything now and dragged her into my hands.

Liz hand hit my chest in anger trying to push me away bur I wasn't letting go. She hit me till she stopped hitting me and then started crying. Her shoulders were shaking violently as the sobs racked her body.

I'll take back that night in a heartbeat.

"Let me go Jason." She whispered now and I did.

"Who the fuck are you? How do you say you love someone then lie to them? How do you do that and be okay with yourself?" It was a gentle question.

"Babe, I know you're mad at me and I..." I started but she cut me off.

"I really wish I was mad at you," more tears poured down her cheeks as she said it.

Then she raised her eyes to look at me dead in the eyes, "I'm not mad Jason I'm hurting. And I just want it to stop, it hurts too much. It hurts in here." Liz thumped her chest pointing to where she meant.

This must be what it feels like to fail someone. To watch them in pain and not know how to fix it.

"I want to fix this. Just don't ask me to let go. How do I do that?" I asked in return.

It felt like I was being torn open inside out.

Liz wiped her eyes on the sleeves of her jean jacket.

"Its funny how messed up we are. I hurt you, you try not to hurt me but then you hurt me. Right here is where we stop."

I was hurting too.

"So what is this? Are we getting divorced or separated? Is this the end? We came so far just to stop fighting here?" I asked.

"You know, you and Tiara deserve each other. All I'm asking from you is a week to move out. Right now I don't care for what comes after.

Liz went into the bathroom and shut the door. I heard the tiny click sound the lock made and I just stood there.

I wanted to cry.

I wanted to shout.

I wanted her to take back the words.

I wanted my Egusi soup.

*****

Mehn. Mehn.

Dunno what to say sef.

How's Christmas prep in your area?

Merry Christmas in advance people.

Love,
Orex