Simi ft Adekunle Gold _ By you

     I'm scared of falling
    But I will fall a thousand miles for you
    I'm scared of flying
    But in a heartbeat I will count the clouds for you

****

Liz

I'm scared of so many things; That I'll wake up one day and he'll be gone.

Scared that he is starting to realize, how much of dead weight I am pulling him down. Yet what scares me most is I'm not sure I'll survive if I loose him.

My heart was pounding hard beneath my ribcage as I pushed myself further and further. The soles of my feet were burning from how much miles I've covered but I needed to burn out.

Leo was few metres behind me, not caring for too much speed as I ran. I left the house today to clear my head as Joy's word rang in it.
Just because he loves you and didn't ask you to doesn't mean you dont have to change!

It doesn't mean you dont have to grow!

It doesn't give you the right to ask people to accept you at your worst always when you can be better!

I stopped running now and begin to slowly walk back home. When I got home and opened the door, the first thing I noticed was his car key thrown haphazardly on the centre table and my heart leapt for Joy.

I wanted to run to him. To tell him I was sorry, I wanted to kiss him. To tell him I wanted to give something too. I ran up the stairs two at a time and opened the bedroom door and there he was laying on the centre of the huge bed curled like a ball.

Something didn't add up right. He looked tired, he looked scared. The sound system was playing something gently it was a RuthB song and it sounded too soulful.

Is this the end? My heart felt like someone was squeezing it in a tight grasp.

I sat at the edge of the bed close to his feet. Scared to go closer scared to touch him then muttered gently "hi!"

"Come closer. Come lie beside me, I need to hold and feel you." He said gently.

"I need to take a shower. I'm sweaty" I played with my fingers, suddenly shy.

"Come," he ordered again. This was the voice I couldn't say no to, it wasnt an argument or negotiation and I couldn't help but obey, so I pulled off my sneakers to lie in front of him.

I lay on my side so that we were curled up on the centre of the bed staring at each other. I stared at him first, I looked my fill.

I missed you. God I really missed you!

Jason drew me closer so that were in a hug now; legs tangled in each other, body moulded to each other and he buried his head in the crook of my neck and exhaled.

Something was wrong.

"Tolulope_____" I started choosing his Yoruba name before he cut me off.

"Shhhsssh no talking just hold me!"His words muttered against my neck felt like a tickle. And so I held him or we held each other. Too much words have been said already.

*****

Jason

I held on tight to her and breathed her in.

This right here was calm before the storm. A storm was coming and I was scared we weren't going to survive it.

My mom was right; our foundation was too shaky from the start. We fell in love and nothing else mattered. Not the fact that our beliefs dont align, our needs, goals, priorities or future.

We were running thinking the butterflies in our stomach will last us the hard race. We forgot all about being intentional towards planning for it. Sure the dates were fun, but we should have built more.

Does love truly conquer all? A storm was coming to hit this marriage we built on sharp sinking sand. Liz always believing she doesn't deserve anything good and convincing herself not to hope or believe in anything. Me with a child outside wedlock trying to convince my wife who didn't want kids about this.

We needed this moment. Before all hell breaks loose and we can't find ourselves before I get to loose this; my safe place, my home.

I needed a little calm. As she held me and I held her I breathed deeply taking whiffs of her very essence from her being to calm me down.

"I'm sorry" she finally whispered, stroking my hair gently and I shuddered into her frame.

With the intimacy came hunger. A hunger that this woman knew how best to ignite even without meaning to. I could feel myself getting aroused and I knew she could feel it too.

"Jason I___" she stammered out first and I raised my head to stare at her. "What is it B?"

She hid her eyes from me and stringed her fingers through my beard and I felt even more excitement course through me.

"I want to try," She whispered slowly.

I could feel her chest beating quickly beside me and I just stared at her, "try what?"

Her response was that she pressed her self more closer to me and I couldn't help but groan. At this point my mind was conjuring possibilities and it was doing wonderful things to my Libido.

Shouldn't you be telling her about your child now?

I immediately tried to calm down and get my self under control but she wasnt having it. Liz kissed me gently on my forehead between my eyelids, on my cheek, my lips and moved further down. When she got to my neck I knew I was in soup as the kisses turned to gentle bites.

"Liz we shouldn't." I groaned out.

She stared up at me with her vulnerable eyes and said, "This isn't me trying to use sex as an excuse okay. This is me trying to give you something."

My blood was pumping faster now and downward making sure the only thing my veins tinged with was a sweet kind of arousal that only this sweet woman could bring to life.

We started slow as I lay on top of her and in NY excitement I diet notice anything. Our clothes made a quick mess on the side of the bed and I was eager like a school boy on seeing his first crush or a wolf on heat. The mixture of them both was exactly how I was feeling.

It felt good! Real good, the back of my eyes rolled in ecstasy until I heard it.

A tiny whimper at fast and then she began to choke and gasp for air. It was almost like a panic attack at first and then I tried to calm her down and it all escalated.

"No! No!" She screamed, eyes trapped in fear as tears rolled down and I froze. It felt like someone poured a bowl of cold water on me.

"Baby please calm down!" I begged and got off quickly. I'm sure I made a silly picture standing naked in the center of the room but what gutted me the most was how scared she was.

She got up quickly and dashed to the edge of the room. Liz was bent and her arms were wrapped around her knees, the tears came out in torrents. She looked locked up in her self as she kept screaming "No, no please no!"

Seeing her that way felt different for me. It felt like someone was twisting a knife in my heart and I couldn't even reach my hand down to pull it out.

I was scared more scared than feeling bullets whiz past my ears.

"Dont touch me! Please dont touch me" her voice was a tiny whisper now as she stayed there curled up around herself.

My God!

At this point I wished her step father wasnt dead. I've never wanted to cause someone so much pain as I wanted to do know. I wanted to make him pay, to make him bleed. How can you take a child's life and taint it forever?

For what? All for what?

Sexual pleasures? How can a child who doesn't even understand what is being done to them be subjected to that. Till they slowly begin to hate themselves, to hate human touch, to loose themselves.

Why, Why do it?

I felt tears wet my cheeks and my heart broke. For this child whose live was stolen far too early, for every child out there including those been trafficked daily.

I pulled on my shorts quickly and moved few feet's closer still a little bit away from her by mere inches.

"I'm not going to touch you okay?" I sat on the floor there and reached my hands on the floor opening them.

"Its me okay; me your mismatched eyes guy. Look okay" I pointed to my blue-greyed orbs to show her and she raised her head up staring intently at them.

"I'm sorry Elizabeth for what was taken from you. I'm sorry that so much has been taken from you but I want you to hold my hands now okay. So that we can stop giving more to those thieves. I love you and I just want to be here for you." I begged and sniffed too.

She didn't hold my hand she crashed her entire body into mine and I almost fell to the floor.

I held her naked body while she cried. It felt like a dam burst free from her soul but this was good. Crying is good, dealing with that trauma at your own pace is good. I'll never understand it, I'll never walk in her shoes so I shouldn't say I understand her pain or her fear. All I can do is offer to walk with her through her healing journey.

I stroked the bare skin of her back and she shivered. So carrying her in my arms I whipped the blanket off with other hand and covered us there on the floor.

It felt like an eternity later when she croaked "sing for me, something Yoruba-ish"

I smiled. I couldn't help it, even in the midst of our hell that statement made me smile because it was time to pamper her.

I didn't know when I began to sing my parents love song but I knew it had to be the one at this point.

🎶Iyawo mi! Olulofe mi, ore mi Alayo mi I will love you forever🎶

It was the only line I knew so I sang it over and over till I felt her body go languid on mine and her breath become even showing that she was asleep.

I tried to let go of her when I dropped her on the bed to get clothes for but she wasn't having it. Even I her sleep she held me tight and I just let her be but I wasn't falling asleep though.

I couldn't fall asleep because it felt like Life wasn't giving me any break.

******

Another sad chapter kinda! But the next one is a banger.

You're not responsible for your trauma or the things that happened to you. You dont choose your parents or the home you're born into but you have a choice of not allowing it be your future!

Paedophillia is wrong! I know with the hyper sexualization of the media we think its okay a little especially in movies but hell no. I've ranted too much this week about the Netflix film Cuties and honestly I'm tired so I won't rant about it here but please. Go online and sign petitions! Do something!

I'm also scared about the future I wanna give my kids the world I'm bringing them into. Sigh writing this book is an outlet for me it goes beyond drama its my voice my story. I hope you're listening?

Love
Ebunoluwa