Jason

How far do you think a person can go before they crack?

You try to hold on to something, anything and not lash out but in the end we are all humans aren't we. Humans with varying breakpoints and I was at mine.

I stared at the woman I promised to love all the remaining days of my life. I listened to her tell me about how she just made up her mind about not wanting to have kids. 

We had finally taken the discussion inside and I was sitting perched on our white sofa. Trying to listen to her but not truly hearing anything. Somewhere with a calmness I didn't know I could possess I asked, "When did you decide this?"

Liz flayed her hands in front of her and bit into her lips before gently saying "Today, as I lay there. I knew it wasnt something I ever wanted. I love our lives this way dont you?"  She said it so simply like she didn't just turn my whole world upside down.

It was at this moment I got to my edge and flipped. I sent my IPhone 11 pro max crashing into the wall and the loud echoing sound it made reverberated through the whole room and she flinched, a gasp escaping her bow lips.

I buried my head in my hands for a minute trying to understand what she was asking me to give up. My heart hurt, it was different from every other time.

"Do yo have the slightest idea, what you are asking me to give up?" It was a low whisper but it could as well been a scream because it came out gruffly with so much emotions.

"Jason I'm sorry. Right now I dont want to lie to you about how I'm feeling. The way I'm feeling right now I dont think I'm going to change my mind. " Liz eyes was filling with tears now. I tried to feel pity but I was at my own limit.

"On your own Liz you have made a life changing decision about my life" I screamed and the tears fell from her eyes.  She reached out for me like the same way she reached out to me when we had the money issue, or when I wanted us to move to LA but stayed behind.

Sex! That one thought disgusted me right now.

I moved out of her touch and I even hated the thought, "Is that all you see me as?" I asked.

Liz froze in that spot surprised at how I avoided her touch. She looked at me like I was the one hurting her then asked "How, I dont understand?"

"Someone you can control with his manhood. Use his love for you to turn him into a lapdog always agreeing with you." The moment the words were out of my mouth I wanted to regret it but did she even feel a tiny fraction of what I was feeling.

I want kids. I've always wanted kids, I'll always want kids.

"Why dont you want kids?" I asked again as calmly as I could. Maybe we could salvage this before we turned this tiny crack into a huge gulf.

"I'll never be a good mother Jason. Just look at me!" She thumped her chest, "Look at the world we will be bringing them to, look at the mother who raised me; a mother yet she ruined my life."

Is that it? Right now her sob story of her broken past wasnt good enough for me. "Is that it?" I asked coldly.

She nodded and sobbed into her palms.

"Then go to therapy. I'm not asking you to have kids with me now, but to say never. Its what you're saying right?" I asked again for confirmation and she nodded.

"Jason_____" she began before I held up his hand to cut her off.

"Do you love me at all?" I asked because I needed to know. This didn't feel like love. Love shouldn't keep taking without giving anything.

She moved towards me and I sidestepped her again. "Yes My love. I love you with my heart and soul." Liz profused vehemently.

I shook my head to contrast her statement. "Love gives Elizabeth but you keep taking. I known when we married I was going to be making adjustments for you my entire life and I was comfortable with that. It was okay when I asked you to move to Los Angeles with me and you refused even though my family and friends where there. We stayed here cause of your job the same one you quit to start a shelter."

"That's not fair Jason!" She screamed back at me now.

"No. What's not fair is pushing me away every single time and expecting me to come back. What's not fair is treating me like I dont matter to you. God forbid Elizabeth collects my money or that she involves me in decision making. What's not fair is that I've never lay on my wife even once during sex and I have to pretend that its okay because I'm scared that you are looking for an opportunity to leave," This time around I couldn't hold back.

A quick glimmer of hurt shone in her eyes which was quickly replaced with coldness. This is it, the woman that always pushes me away.

In the far corner of the room my phone was vibrating. It screen blinking alive through it now cracked screen. If I could, I was going to pick it up but right now I didn't have the strength to.

Liz wiped her tears furiously, "You could have told me that you think its my fault that I can't stand a man on top of me."

There was a steely glint in her eyes now with my confession. "Because Liz I'll take it all. Every time you freeze me out, Ill try so hard not to mind about our sex position or how unmanly it makes me sometime. I'll fucking take it all except this!" I screamed, hoping it could pass through her coconut skull. Praying that she doesn't make me choose between loving her and fatherhood.

Her gaze was still blank, eyes bloodshot from crying. This was enough, she was supposed to rest and this isn't resting.

I'm leaving. I couldn't be here right now and retain my sanity. This wasnt like the previous times, I just needed to breathe to think.

I still had my things except my phone so I walked to where it was and stuffed it into my pocket. Just as I expected the screen was cracked but I could see a gleaming notification of missed calls.

I had barely turned the door knob when she called out after me, "Where are you going Jason?" She should have left it at that but she added "So is this it? Two hours ago you could stop telling about how much you loved me. Is this how far your love can carry you?"

At this point it wasn't the question that pushed me off the cliff. It was the disregard with which she said it and the look in her eyes. If I walked out today it won't matter, its the same door she has been pushing me through anyway.

"You're bleeding on me Elizabeth. You keep bleeding on me and I didn't cut you." I said as the pain engulfed my heart now. Throwing back my love in my face was low it was really low.

I didn't stick around to see the impact of my words. I didn't want to see, I couldn't bare to look at her now. No one deserves to feel this insecure, no one has to keep giving and giving till they cant find their self anymore.

***

As I drove down my eyes were red. It annoyed me growing up that I was a crier, didn't make me feel manly enough. Even now as I was driving I felt worried about her, the doctor wanted her to rest and leaving her all by herself wasnt wise so I fished out my phone to call Joy.

I had six missed calls from Tiara and all the drama of today made me forget her important message.

I quickly called Joy to ask if she could check up on Liz then dialed Tiara's number.

"Hey so sorry I'm just getting back to you." I said immediately the call connected, my voice was hoarse from all the emotions bottled in my throat.

"Its okay. Are you okay Jay?" She asked and I nodded quickly gunning down the busy street aimlessly. Its been so long someone called me Jay and it reminded me of Tiara.

"You dont sound okay. Where are you driving to Jay? In fact come over to my place now, I'm sending you my address okay" Tiara used her tiny no nonsense voice and if I didn't feel like someone plugged my heart out of my chest I would have chuckled.

"Okay!" I needed to talk to someone anyway.

The drive was short. I felt stupid standing in front of her door and I contemplated going back. Just before I could turn my back fully the door swung open.

"Come in Jason." Tiara said sternly. She looked homely in her orange sweatpants and a low cut camisole.

I couldn't help but obey as I stepped into the tiny house. It was brightly coloured in Lilac and purple shades, tiny crayons littered the far end of the room. A stuffed animal and pink doll was carelessly thrown on the chair. Tiara noticed my line of sight and she looked nervous and a little shocked.

She gathered the baby items quickly and rushed them inside. If she had a kid I wasnt going to judge her as long a they were happy.

"Sit down and tell me whats wrong?"She ordered again.

" Look its a long_____" Tiara cut me off quickly. "Wait before you say anything. Let me make you a plate okay?"

I hesitated a little but this was Tiara so what's the big deal. I looked around more coming to a conclusion that Tiara really did have a child I was yet to meet. I'll be a proud uncle to that child, after all according to my wife my chances of being a father was slim.

A warm plate of Mac and cheese was brought in a Tray, alongside a glass of Lemonade juice.

We sat in silence as I ate. The events of the day must have increased my appetite because she went and brought a second helping which I still finished.

I Let out a loud belch and carried my plates myself to the kitchen. The apartment had the kitchen in one corner but visible from the sitting room. A table top with two chairs separated the two areas.

I compared it to our home and although smaller hers had something mine may never have the thoughts strong enough to make me wince in pain.

Tiara who was sitting at the the table now studying me through her hooded lashes. "Tell me whats wrong Jay, this isn't like you."

I stood there in her kitchen wiping my dish furiously then told her all of what was wrong. Somehow as I explained I found myself going to seat beside her.

It was at the part where I told her about Liz's decision not to have kids that a lone tear escaped my eyelid. Tiara understood how excited I was when Tiana was pregnant. They had cut the baby out of her after the accident and she was a still born, at that point it felt like my heart wouldn't beat again and now to never have a child.

I didn't expect what was going to happen next. Even Tiara didn't expect it to happen. Us seating at that table side by side, with the globes of her breast peaking out from her camisole. Not like I noticed them or wanted it to happen but Tiara raised up her head and kissed me.

I sat there in her kitchen as my body went numb against her lips.

***
Oh man!😭😭😭

So what do you think? Tell me all your thoughts.

Do you blame Jason?

Who else felt offended when Tiara called him Jay?😂😂🙌🙌see me here.

Next chapter is heavy! Come with your tissues and popcorns. I love reading your feedbacks leave me tons of then.

Sending love💓
Orex