Note: I am not a Psychologist or psychiatrist please!

I study physiotherapy and I'm using my little knowledge from my psychology classes and from all the films I've watched in this life😂 so if I type anything wrong just know I'm an amateur!

One of the goal of this book is to make us understand that its okay to say God + therapy and shine a little light on mental health.

Pray and talk to someone, the weight of our emotions can be choking sometimes.

For my christian FAM I'm playing Song of Angels by Judikay

*****

"Fear is just a dumb cage you put yourself in, you think its so big and scary but you're the one holding the keys"

Liz

I've always been fascinated by psychopaths! Weird right?

How they were unable to feel human emotions like empathy, love, remorse, care. Nothing tying them down to make them humane, they are just humans that feel nothing.

Its why I choose psychiatry, why even though I spent extra 2years in college for spill over courses I was determined to be one.

The question of why people act the way they do, is so fundamental and basic yet we were still miles from getting accurate answers.

What makes a paedophile tick? What about kids attract a full grown man to defile them in the most desecrating way possible?

Are humans born bad or made bad?

So many questions milling in and out of my head as I made my way down to the EU I was on psych call today. Nothing about this job excited me today, absolutely nothing.

"Hey doctor Brown, you're needed in trauma bay 7. Someone came in asking of you" Megan called out.

"Thanks Meg" I replied easily.

A 30 something man paced the small room as I entered, it was a patient I had to pass of to one of my colleagues because he was getting too emotionally attached to me.

He looked particularly distraught today hands were shaking, huge eye bags under his eyes which were bloodshot. I could smell a little alcohol on him and his hands showed needle marks possibly from either heroin or meth.

"Andrew" I called out quietly and his eyes snapped to mine.

"Dr Brown" he replied visibly relaxed, I narrowed my eyes trying to gauge his mood.

I diagnosed Andrew with IED (intermittent explosive disorder), A rare form of anger issues that made someone go into uncontrollable fits of rage, they dont even know how the trigger works most time. The main issue with Andrew was his ability to project his failures and fears to others, someone has to always be responsible for why he was feeling that way.

"Sit please, stop pacing" I said pointing to the examination bed.

Like a dog obeying his master, he sat. "What's going on Andrew have you not been seeing your doctor" I asked.

A quick glance at my watch told me it was almost 5pm, My shift ended by 5 and Jason's function was at 7. The least I could do is show up for him, he deserved that and more.

"Are you going somewhere doc?" He shouted, "Eager to get rid of me like you did before hmn?"

Harsh anger lines stood in his face and I wondered what I missed in our sessions.

"Please calm down. My shift ends by 5pm, but if you sit down we can have an actual conversation so that you'll tell me what's wrong."

He took huge calming breaths just the way I taught him whenever he wants to have an episode " See I'm breathing just the way you thought me to doc! I was getting better with you, why did you send me off to another doc" tears filling his eyes.

"Because I knew you were going to make more progress with him than you ever did with me" I replied getting worried.

He knocked over the IV stand at the button of the bed and it fell on me the pain sharp and brain resetting. At this moment I know I should have left or called for a security guard or even given him a sedative yet sometimes even as a trained personnel you misjudge cause you're human.

At this juncture an attendant poked his head inside after hearing the commotion, "are you okay doc?" He asked.

"Yes, thank you" I replied.

This time Andrew was in full blown tears, "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you, I never meant to hurt you. I just want you to see me like I see you, love me like I love you" he replied.

What the hell! Love??!!

How in Gods name did I not see this coming?

This was over, whatsoever this was. Staying meant encouraging him and his feelings, leaving could also anger him more so instead I said " lemme get your doc Andrew, this way we can listen to you together.

I got up and moved towards the sliding glass doors shielded by curtains for privacy, when he pulled out the gun. He must have had it on him this entire time, hospitals dont have metal detectors hence how he could get it in.

Great! Just great.

"Calm down, Andrew" raising up my hands in surrender.

"You'll listen to me now doc, no more pushing me away. You will listen now or I will make you listen. You always listened to me, all the other doc did was give me so much drugs I could barely feel, it felt like I was locked in inside my own body. " hands thumping his chest.

So sorry Jason, so sorry. Looks like I wouldn't be leaving this hospital anytime soon.

"Put down the gun Andrew, waving a gun in my face isn't the way to have a conversation with me" I said more firmly. The gun diet scare me, it was the resolution in his that did.

How could I have missed this? As his doctor it was my job to care for him.

"No, I won't because you dont love me right" he asked shouting.

The attendant that came earlier was back with Megan and quickly before I could talk him out of it, he fired at them. Bullets sound ripped the air hitting the attendant and Megan.

He pulled me closer to his body and put the gun to my head, walking out of the EU.

"Out everybody out!" He screamed and fired shots into the air. The EU became frantic as people were trying to get out. Not long after this madness started it was left with just me the shot attendant, Megan and a dead security man at the door.

A gun pressed to my temple cold metal reminded me of where am I, I was still surprising bored. This thing called death I've been at its door several times, at least today was exciting the only different thing I felt today was loss.

I'll never know how it feels to be loved by mismatched eyes, I'll never see my twin babies grow up, I'll never meet my half siblings, I'll never get to tell Pamela not to cry.

"Andrew, Its me you want right? Please let some people come in and take Megan out she's bleeding out." I begged.

He hit his head with his spare hand, "I didn't mean it to come this far, I really didn't mean it to" tears flowing from his eyes.

"I know, but I'm here. I'm right here, just let few people enter to take them out" By now I was sure the hospital was on lockdown with the EU on by pass. From inside we could faintly hear sirens and tactical force set up outside.

"No the police will try to take you from me" he shouted hitting his head more violently. "Why can't I ever do anything right doc?"

"Yes you can, let this people go. Its a shot of them having a better chance, you can hold me hostage while people come in to do that" I suggested.

"Fine, but you'll give me a chance to express how I'm feeling right. I'm trying to do something right?"

Andrew was showing classic signs of Psychosis and rage, but more importantly whatever he injected was keeping him on the edge and affecting his rational thinking. Prior to this time he never used drugs so its a surprise how worse he became.

As someone who always try to save everyone, he will always be my patient. Maybe this is my fault if only I didn't pass him off he could have become better, maybe it wasn't too late for him.

Our emotions can be so heavy, choking us that we sometimes think its better to feel physical pain, I've failed him.

With a barrel still pressed to my temple, we opened the door stretchers came in to take out Megan, the dead attendant and the dead security man, immediately they were out he asked me to close the door which I did and draw the curtains which I also did.

Andrew was surprisingly still rational, he could think far ahead of snipers through the windows and he made me cover them.

3 hours later, we sat in that trauma bay 7 discussing about everything. Some days I decide to believe no one is born bad, situations push them out to the  extreme this was one of those days.

My stomach growled in hunger, I've not eaten anything since breakfast it was almost 9pm now.

"I'm hungry Andrew, we've been talking for hours" or I've been listening for hours. Sometimes, what we need to do is to listen without being judgemental, without comparing our histories and making someone else suffering feel lesser, just listen.

So many people want to be genuinely heard, but they hold it on turning those memories and doubts into canker worms letting it eat at their soul.

Andrew didn't bother picking up their calls or making demands, he just wanted to talk to me, "You always listen to me," he said.

Apart from the hunger I wasn't so scared of my death. Andrew called for pizza and we walked to the door with the normal gun pressed to my head to receive the package.

When the door opened and the pizza got slid in, my heart skipped four beats when I saw him. Mismatched eyes was here!

For a split second I saw him, in a tux that looked like it was made for him, it hung of his beautiful shoulders.

At least I get to see him in case anything happened. In this life and death situation all I can think of is how good he looked.

What of his launch? Why was he here?

For you dumb ass.

"Elizabeth" he shouted on seeing me trying to charge towards the door but was held back by two guys in suit, before I could get a word in Andrew bolted the door and I was back to my little prison.

Something else worried me in all of this, the worry and fear in Jason's eyes. Then I imagined what worse shape Pamela is in, one thing she was scared of was loosing people she loved especially after she lost her elder sister Shayo.

She was always this person fixated on wanting to say goodbye to her loved ones.

I ate my pizza in silence and Andrew noticed how pensive I was so he asked "is he your boy friend?"

"Who" I replied playing dumb.

He smiled a little and captor or not I was glad seeing a little mirth in his eyes. "The tux guy who shouted your name."

"I dont know."  He stared at me closely then said "you can tell me you know, I'll listen"

Maybe I also went insane or I stopped caring, I found myself telling him everything. How we met, and how much of a coward I am.

"I think you love him" he replied smiling.

"How does that make you feel?" I asked. After all he said he loved me.

"Happy. I know with all this mess I've made, I'll never get to see you again but at least someone out there will take care of you. You look so beautiful just now when you smiled while talking about him, I don't know what you're scared of and why you feel you dont deserve it but you know what you told me the first day I entered your office?

You told me 'screw fear! Its just a dumb cage you put yourself in and momentarily forget that the keys are in your hands"

I smiled sadly, "I think I'm an hypocrite, I think its easier to  tell you guys than to actually do it"

He laughed then his expression suddenly turned serious "I think you still have a chance at love and redemption dont screw it up, promise me you won't"

As a therapist one thing we never give is promises especially false one still I said "I promise. its not over you know this isnt your end. "

He had this resolution in his eyes one I was very familiar with.

"Come on, get up" he pulled me closer to his body and led me towards the door the gun still pointing at my head. He opened the door and as I saw the entire task force point guns at him my heart ached maybe just maybe he didn't need a therapist maybe people won't go to the edge if they just found a friend someone so genuine and true.

"You" he pointed to mismatched eyes "come in."

I stared at Jason as he did, and wondered how mad he was at me.

The door was bolted again and this time it was me, Andrew and Jason.

Andrew pressed his lips to my cheeks and said "thank you, for making my last day a little bit brighter. I got to smile, to laugh to unburden. I think why it hurts when you passed me off was that I've always seen you as a friend, I looked forward to meeting you. You are like a fire, you can't even see how effortlessly bright you are yet people want to burn in your flames. You made me a promise remember that" he said tears kissing his chin and  pushed me towards Jason, replacing the gun to his head.

"No Andrew No" I shouted tears running out of my eyes.

"I'm beyond salvation now" he replied smiling through his own tears, "I shouldn't have shot those people Liz, what life lies ahead of me now?"

"This can't be the answer Andrew please. We will figure it out together I'm not passing you off this time" he smiled when I finished.

"This isn't on you, thank you for being so bright Elizabeth. Take care of her , Elizabeth's mismatched eyes man" he said to Jason.

My world stilled!

I saw the police men making their way in as they heard the gunshot, Jason pulling me into his arms.

My world was bloody, the blood from Andrews spattered brains all over my white shirt.

My ears were ringing, the gunshot reechoed over and over.

Someone pulled me into his arms, his arms being my only solace.

I couldn't feel, couldn't see and when my world finally realigned again. I felt pain.

It didn't matter what he did who he was, how extreme he went. Everyone has a silver of goodness in them.

I shouted in pain as the tears came, I shouted till my voice was hoarse.

I shouted till I felt calm, I shouted till I made the resolution. If he wanted me to try, to live then the least I could do was live.

On the other side of suicide, it hurts those you leave behind. The pain is overwhelming enough to push them to the same place.

Andrew wasn't a psychopath he was just a tired human, trying to be heard trying to be seen.

********
Phew!!!!!! This is long, this was intense for me.

Let's talk pipu, I dont know what it is but you can always talk to me in my inbox. I'll listen I promise I'll listen💓

I hope you are not tired of my book yet. we are close to the altar people where the real story begins.

Leave me comments, check up on someone.

Light for this dark times

Orex.