MARCH, 2009

Phil

I've been sat in my room in the dark for who knows how long, legs folded under me, tired eyes wide open, mind racing endlessly. Had I drunk an entire gallon of coffee, I would have been less awake than I was right now. In my tired state, everything seems so much louder, so much clearer, so much more real. I can hear the whispers of air that curl through my room, the soft creaks of the floorboards, the uneven sound of breathing coming from Dans room across the hall.

Today had been better than I thought life could be, waking up with him in my arms, breathing in that smell of warm and soft and sweet, and then he'd gone and woken up and turned even cuter, with his tired brown eyes and his floppy mop of curls, the way he'd automatically snuggled back into my side as soon as he woke up, the way our legs tangled like we had been glued together.

He'd spent the whole day with me.

Even on his good days, I could never get him all to myself, but this morning, I couldn't find any ghosts in his eyes, couldn't find the sag in his shoulders or the tired shuffle that made it seem as though he carried the whole world on his back.

And god, was that beautiful to see.

But at the end of the day, he collapsed again, folded in on himself like a broken accordion, and watching the shadows grow longer on his face made the world taste bitter.

I want him to be happy, I want to see him like that all the time, want to find out what color his eyes turn when he's laughing. I would kill to see him smile at me and mean it.

I don't know how to help anymore.

Hence the reason I am sitting up in my bed at three in the morning, mind racing.

He is a novel that I can't open.

This all swirls in my head until finally I am fed up, and I let out an angry groan into my pillow, tangling my hands in my hair in frustration.

Why does he do this to me, why does he have such an effect on me?

All of a sudden, I hear my door creak open.

"Phil?"

I look up to see Jamie's concerned face peering through the empty space.

"What's wrong?" he asks quietly, crossing the room and crawling into my bed, wrapping his arms around me. His arms are warm and remind me of the days before he hated me.

"I'm just...stressed."

His face darkens.

"Is it because of Dan?"

"Well, yeah, but..." I start to say, but he cuts me off.

"No. Stop. I hate him for doing this. You didn't ask for him to dump his mess onto you."

I turn to look at him angrily.

"He is not 'dumping his mess' on me. I'm stressed because somethings wrong and he's pretending that there isn't. Thats my problem, that's my issue, and it's not on him. It's not his fault."

"Why do you even care, Phil. He's just some pathetic kid you picked up off the street. Do you like him or something?"

"No," I stutter, cheeks red. "Why do you care if I do anyways?"

"Because I love you"

"I know, and me caring about Dan doesn't change that?"

"No, Phil, you're so oblivious. I love you."

"What?"

He looks away, rubbing his neck awkwardly.

"I thought you knew."

"I...no, I didn't, Jamie."

I shake my head, biting my lip, thinking.

I know how I feel about Dan. I do. But Dan needs a friend right now, and I'd rather die than mess that up because of my stupid feelings.

I know I love Jamie, although I'd never thought of him in that way before. I'm sure I could. If I tried. Maybe that's what I need.

I turn to Jamie.

"I love you too."

This seems to be all the confirmation he needs, because he leans over and kisses me, a hungry kiss full of desperation. He tastes like peppermint and boy, and I let my love for him pretend to be something else, something hungry and wild, something that lets me tangle my hands in his hair, lets me lose my mind in a kiss. When we finally break apart, he eyes are shining, happier than I've seen him in awhile.

"Will...will you be my boyfriend, then?"

I lean over and rest my head on his shoulder.

"Okay."

The jigsaw of my life keeps getting harder and harder to put together.

Dan

The faint beeping of my alarm clock breaks me out of my tired haze, not quite asleep but not quite awake, a ghost in the world between night and day, and I heave a heavy sigh and climb out of the tangled mess of blankets that I had somehow woven myself into, fall onto the cold wooden floor. My tired feet catch on the wood and I stumble, trying to catch myself on my bed but failing miserably, ending up in a crumpled heap. Red flashes before my eyes, and I lie on the ground for a minute, resting my hot cheeks against the cool floor before I pull myself up and make my way to the bathroom. Strip off my clothes. Step into the shower. Feel the cold tiles against my skin. Let the hot water burn away my skin. I do this every morning. It's all just a routine now, a miserable cycle. I'm too tired to keep doing this, but I'm too tired to stop. I rest my forehead on the cool tiles, watching water drip down from my head, watch it roll off my skin and fall to the ground. I'm so tired.

I can hear someone moving about in the apartment, so I turn off the water and step out, wincing as I jar my bruised ribs.

The suns not even up and I've already set fire to my bones.

I haven't been this bad for a long time. Not since that afternoon. And I can't let myself get there again. I can't let myself do that to Phil.

So, as I walk to school, I think about why things are so much harder, trying to figure out what is making the thunder in my head loud again.

It wasn't until lunch, hiding out in the library when I figured out what it was.

It's Phil.

I didn't know love was supposed to hurt this bad.

So I start thinking. What if I told him how I feel. What if I tell him what he means to me, let him hold me, let me love him, let myself stop being scared?

There's only so long a human being can live in fear.

He'll reject you. You know he will and then what will you have to live for? The only person who's ever been there for you is going to push you away and it's going to kill you you know it willI'm going to tell him. You shouldn't But I'm going to, because I can't keep living like this.

Throughout the day, anxiety twists my insides up until they've been tangled beyond repair, and a ball in my throat has formed, so large that it hurts to swallow.

When the school day finally drags to an end, I begin the walk back home, each step echoing in my head in slow motion. My heart desperately pounds in my chest, trying to find a way out, and I twist my sleeves anxiously. God, this worrying is going to kill me. But I need to do it to be okay. I know I do.

However, much to my dismay, Phil is asleep when I arrive home, and remains to do so until late hours in the night.

It is maybe three in the morning when he stumbles out of his room, yawning and stretching.

"Hey, Dan, what's up? So sorry I missed you, I fell asleep ridiculously early and I only just woke up."

His voice is deep and rumbly and my heart is in my throat no my mouth no my eyes.

I open my mouth, words trying to come out, but his eyes are locked onto me and his head is tilted and I can't do this, I can't do this I can not.

"Dan?"

I just shake my head, slowly, and then violently.

I can't believe I was going to do something as stupid as that.

Phil takes a step towards me, but I leap off the couch, eyes stinging, clutching at my arms as I stumble out of the lounge and to my own room, locking the door behind me, leaning on the wall and breathing heavily, digging my fingernails into my skin and failing to heave in breaths. I am so stupid.

I am so, so stupid.

Phil knocks on the door, says my name, sounds concerned, but this only makes me choke down a sob. Why does he have to be so fucking nice?

"Babe, what's wrong?"

Jamie's voice floats up from somewhere in the flat, coming closer, and its like a stab to the gut.

I should have known they were together.

I was about to tell Phil how I felt.

How fucking stupid can I get?

Phil

It has been four days since Dan had shut me out, four days of talking to a closed door. I replayed the scene in my head a million times over, but I could never understand what had happened, never understood why his expression had crumbled, why he'd ran.

And he wouldn't tell me.

I am constantly going to knock on the door, to beg him to tell me what was wrong, but there is never any reply.

I'm just talking to a door.

After awhile, I give up. He probably just wants space.

Give him time.

As much as it killed me, I refrained from knocking, tried not to worry. I could hear his door open sometimes, in the dead of night, but I could never catch him.

I couldn't catch him.

He had slipped right away and I had no idea how to get him back.

By the time a week had passed, I was beyond desperate to get him to talk to me, but I was no closer to talking to him than I was the first day.

We were stuck in a perpetual chase, one with no finish line, and god, I'm tired of running.

Padding quietly down the hall, lost in thought, I almost don't notice, almost don't see the bathroom door open, almost don't see him, but I do.

I blink, not sure I was looking at Dan, like maybe some twisted, thin shadow has taken his place. He was pale and paper thin, like he'd blow away in the breeze.

I could see where his hands had pulled at his hair, could see his shoulders curl in on themselves, see the bones in his hand pushing at his skin.

My throat has closed up and my lungs shut down and time has stopped because he does not see me, does not do anything but lean against the wall, tiredly, but then he does.

He catches sight of me standing there, and a look of something unreadable flashes across his face as he turns around and starts towards his room.

I bound across the hallway in a giant leap and grab his wrist, my heart in my throat.

"Dan, wait."

Total and complete fear crosses his face, and his entire body freezes, eyes crinkling shut.

"Please don't hurt me."

My mouth goes sour, and I drop his wrist.

"Oh my god Dan, no, I would never do that."

I can visibly see him shaking.

I want to hold him, want to fold him up in my arms, but I'm too afraid of what he was afraid of, too afraid of the fact that he thinks I would hurt him.

"Please. Please tell me whats wrong. I want to help you, I can't stand seeing you like this. You look awful, bear."

My entire body is filled with an ache that curls into a ball in my throat.

"It's nothing, I'm fine," Dan said, giving me a smile that was painfully fake, as if he hoped I would believe him, as if he thought he could get me to go away.

"Dan."

I cross my arms and look at him disbelievingly.

His shoulders fall in defeat, and he wraps his arms around himself, frowning.

"I.. I just, was going to tell you something and then I realised how fucking stupid it was, and, I was just upset because I thought, you might actually care about what I was going to say and...yeah..."

His voice trails off and he shrugs nonchalantly.

I close the distance between us, wrap my arms around him, gently, so softly, so he knows I'm not there to hurt him.

"I will always care, okay? You can tell me, I promise."

His body shakes in my arms and my voice has dropped into a whisper. I'm afraid if I speak too loudly he'll shatter.

"It's not important."

His voice is listless.

I want to push, but I can tell how tired he is,  can see the sad in his eyes, can see him retreating back inside of himself, so instead I just nod and hold him against me, hold his pieces together.

"I won't push if you promise to not shut me out again."

He nods, slowly at first, stiffly, but then he relaxes in my arms, drops his head onto my chest, takes a shaky breath.

"I can do that."

"Why don't you go take a shower to take your mind off things, and I'll make you some food, okay?"

He nods and stumbles into the bathroom again, and I lean against the wall, eyes fluttering shut tiredly.

I want nothing more than to hold him and put him back together, but that's exactly what I can't do.

What do I do if his pieces fall apart?

--

a/n thingy: woahhh sorry, i've been away all week, so its been a little while since I've updated, my bad. i really struggled with this chapter, so hopefully its not too bad. i'm just not very happy with it, but i've already spent way too much time stressing over it so i'm just uploading it. :/