I like Taylor Swift but Matthew is more of a Lana Del Ray fanatic. 

So we take turns to play songs on my home speaker. Yesterday it was Lana and today is Swift's day.

"Ladies and gentlemen, will you please stand? With every guitar string scar on my hand." I mimic a ballet dance around Matthew--who's used to my not-so-impressive moves-- as he cooks us some omelets for lunch. "I take this magnetic force of a man to be my lover." I take his hand which holds the spoon and sing along with Taylor's enchanting voice. 

Matthew laughs and takes away his hand from mine. "OK. Let's sit down now."

"My heart's been borrowed and yours has been blue. All's well that ends well to end up with you." I continue to sing as Matthew sets the plates on the table opposite our kitchen. "Swear to be overdramatic and true to my lover. And you'll save all your dirtiest jokes for me. And at every table, I'll save you a seat, lover--"

The song abruptly stops. I turn around and see Evan standing near the speaker with its control in his hands. "The fuck dude? Why'd you stop?"

"Because I can't go on listening to your crow voice!" My thirteen-year-old brother retorts. "Your voice is disgracing this lovely song."

I roll my eyes as Evan shoves the control in his pant pockets so that I can't play any music again. "I don't know how Matthew is so accustomed to your singing." He grimaces and takes a seat at the table.

"You're saying as if your voice is any better than mine. Don't forget that we came from the same womb." I sit beside him.

"I know I can't sing that's why I don't go around blaring people's ears." 

Matthew chuckles and pats Evan's buzzed head. "That's why I wear earplugs."

My mouth falls open. "Tell me you're lying."

Matthew laughs even more. "I'm joking. I'm the only audience you have." 

I sigh. Yeah, Matthew is the only one who can bear my singing and I love him for that. Evan and Matthew engage in a small chit-chat while I munch on my bread and eggs. Matthew can't cook much but he can make really good egg dishes. He learned them when he joined the local gym.

My phone pings and I bring it out of my pocket to see Zoya's message. With my left hand, I open it to answer her 'What are you doing?' message. Matilda's message comes at the same time as well. But I decide to make her wait a little for my reply. That's how you make girls obsessed with you. 

Suddenly, someone snatches my phone away. "Matthew!"

"No phone while eating." He looks over my phone screen. "And it's Zoya again. Oh, someone named Ira messaged 'Hi'."

"What? Give me back. I need to talk to her. She's the new girl in my AP lit." I get up to get my phone but Matthew shoves it in his pocket.

"Nah, I'm not giving you until you finish your food. You eat like a cow."

I huff and sit back down. Ugh, I read Zoya's message and didn't reply.

"How many girls do you talk to?" Evan eyes me.

I actually start to count when Matthew pitches in, "Oh it's a lot. Uncountable, right?" 

I grin at him. "C'mon, they are all just backups. For now, I'm focusing on Zoya. If she rejects me, I should have someone else to return to."

"Wait, you actually like Zoya?"

I shrug. I really don't know. I started talking to her this week only. But she's the prettiest of the girls I know.

"But you're playing other girls." Evan frowns.

"I'm not." I'm quick to defend myself. "You don't how many guys those girls I'm talking with are talking to."

"That's not how things work."

I snort. "You know nothing about the real world, boy."

"Oh, I do. I've got a girlfriend now."

"What?" I stand up, shaken to the core. "You're thirteen!"

"So?" Evan fucking blushes. I want to scream so loud at him but instead opt to get out of there and walk to the living room. I circle the forest green sofa three times before hitting its cushion like it's a punching bag. Sighing to calm myself down, I sit squeezing the pillow. 

The walls have a similar shade of moss green with white alternates. Besides the giant tv, is a frame in which I'm beside Evan's craddle where he's sleeping and I'm smiling at my new baby brother. Today he got his first girlfriend. And his big brother still never had one. Wow.

I go back to the kitchen and take my seat back. 

"Jenny? That's a cute name." Matthew smiles.

"Ya, and what's ironic is that she's a big fan of Blackpink's Jennie."

Matthew is going to say something more but I speak first. "So even my baby brother got a girlfriend, but I'm still the one stuck in situationships."

"Yeah, you're absolutely right about that." His smirk adds more fuel to my pent-up frustration. 

"Ian it's fine. Having a girlfriend doesn't undermine--"

I cut him off. "Don't lecture me on this. You've had your fair share of relationships."

"Don't add an 's'. I just had one girlfriend."

"But you at least had it. I never had one--"

The house telephone rings. Instantly, Evan gets up. "It must be Jenny. We exchanged our numbers today." 

"Then I must tell mumma to cut off the line as soon as possible!" I yell at Evan's back who rushes off to the other corner of the house.

I huff and push away my lunch. My appetite is lost like my half-used eraser. 

"Hey, why are you being so aggressive about this?" Matthew takes Evan's seat and reluctantly rubs my shoulder. He's not too fond of physical touch like I am. I can cling to him like a monkey all day and he will be still like an aging tree.

"I'm not. It's just..." I trail off, folding my hands on the table and resting my head on them. "Am I not good-looking enough? Or should I up my flirting skills?"

"You don't have to do anything. You're a pretty boy. And please don't equate your self-worth with the number of girls lining up for you."

"I know but..." I look up and rest on my chin. "It's good to have someone tag along with you at parties and have makeout sessions with you or someone waiting for you after class. It must feel good to have someone just love you."

"Look, it's not like you never had a hookup before. You don't need a girlfriend for that. And everything else you mentioned, I already do that. I wait for you before and after class, tag along to parties even though I loathe them, and make your lunch." Matthew counts them on his fingers. "So please stop thinking that you need anyone else. I'm enough ok? And besides, relationships are too complicated. You know why I never got another girlfriend, right?"

Humming, I nod my head and straighten my back. Only a year had passed since we first met and I was already holding a sobbing Matthew in my arms. I never knew he could cry. But that day, in my bedroom, I just let him cry with his head on my lap. His relationship went on for two years until his girlfriend shifted to the countryside due to financial issues. They tried to do the long-distance thing. Matthew put a lot of effort into calling her every day and keeping their connection strong.  

But I'd said to him that long distance will never work. They never do. And before he knew it, his girl lost her feelings for him. And even Matthew did. However, he still cried a lot when they broke up. It hurt him. It affected his studies and made his cheeks puffier because of his excessive chocolate consumption. He was only sixteen. Matthew didn't deserve that.

All of this made him realize that to be in a relationship means so much more than lust or affection. I realized that too. Yet, I really, really want to experience what it's like to call someone your girlfriend. 

"I don't even want Evan to go down this path. And I will definitely try to talk him out of it. But not today. He's just too happy." Matthew says.

"Yeah, he should rather focus on his studies." I bring my plate back and pick up the bread. 

"You too. There's a maths test next week?"

"Shit. It's integration." I groan when I remember. But my phone catches my attention when it pings three times in Matthew's pocket. "But wait, lemme reply first." I dig my phone out of his pants.

Matthew facepalms. "You will never change."

***