I still didn't get to the tutoring part really, but that's what I am here to do right now but that was only because wetting my pants in front of David was one of the most embarrassing moments in my life and I am not sure how many people saw that. Even though, I did not really wet them. It was Mia and it was complicated. Definitely complicated.

(25th September, Thursday)

Afternoon :

Tapping my pencil the other way around on my desk, I furiously snapped it into half and took another one, continuing to tap it on the desk. I was more than just annoyed and I think that that was pretty much very obvious.

The boy with dark caramel hair that was sitting right in front of me in my room, across my desk was smiling smugly at me. I would've done anything to wipe it off, but I knew that I had to do this for the sake of my Math grades.

"I don't understand this," Daniel said, pointing his long finger to the question that I've explained to him already seven times.

Letting out a huge breath, I said, "The law of conservation of energy states that the total amount of energy in a system stays constant, although energy from the system can be changed from one form to another or even transferred from one object to another."

Sighing, he smiled cheekily and ran a hand through his hair. Looking out of my window, I waited for him to note down everything that I just said. He pushed the note book to me and I looked down, making sure everything was right before I went on.

"Okay, good. Energy cannot be destroyed or created, but it can be transformed. That's really what we mean when we say "using" energy. The law of conservation means that whilst we're using energy, we never really use it up. In other words, finish it. Do you understand the whole point of it now?" I asked, looking up at him only to find him doing the same. I sighed.

"Oh yeah, yeah I get it. Thanks." He muttered, rubbing the back of his head.

Standing up, I politely gestured for him to do the same and asked him to leave.

"You know where the exist is," I said, trying to smile but I am sure it turned out to be more of a wince.

"I was wondering if maybe we could go out for lunch or something?" He murmured slowly, his finger fidgeting as he shifted from one leg to another.

"I am busy," I replied, as I fished out his phone from the last drawer on my right and returned to him. I also warned him that if he'd be texting whilst I'll be explaining things to him, I'll definitely would not hesitate to throw it out my window.

"Just give me another chance," his eyes pleading, he pushed his bottom lip out.

"Another chance?! You did not just say that! What the hell is wrong with you?" I yell, throwing my hands up and then slapping them down against my thighs.

"It was a mistake!"

"A mistake? Cheating is not a mistake! It's a choice and you chose that. now just, for the life of it and everything that is good and holy, get the hell out of here," I spat, my vision growing red. Opening my bedroom door, I pointed my finger to the hallways ahead.

"Leave," I said again.

He sighed and muttered a sorry before walking out my door.

Shutting the door, I let my legs give in and sank to the floor, letting all the years I've held up slip down my cheeks.

I don't know how long I was there on the floor, but before I knew it, the sun was already setting and I had to get ready -which wasn't much.

Splashing water onto my face, I thought about all the people that were wiped out of my life because of his simple 'mistake'. One thing I never really got was how one could be so cruel as to hurt another, scar another for life.

It was difficult to understand what ran through people's minds. It felt like such a dangerous thing to be able to do - guard and create your thoughts.

I snapped out of my daze soon enough and to make a lifetime resolution - I wanted to start over with everything. Not the type of start over where you can just get a new notebook because the previous one got over or the pages were too tapered, but the one where you can just learn from all your mistakes and everything that you have ever done. To learn and to know more. I really wanted that.

Deciding against straightening my hair, I left it to dry naturally and took my time with the manicure - usual fresh red painted nails.

At the same time, I sat there thinking that I need to stop this. Stop the red nails, red lips, dark liner and the smoking. But then I thought about it once again;

I enjoy it so much, the smoking - the different, dark me.

Letting the towel that was wrapped securely around my body slip, I looked at myself in the mirror. My skin looked much paler after the shower, much more scarred.

Every time I looked at myself, I wanted to hate for not being able to stand up for myself for letting her do this to me. I thought that it wouldn't be such a big deal, but now I know that there is no escape. There was never one, really. you're always stuck there, not knowing where there is, but you're still stuck.

I settled for a normal black, long sleeved shirt with the words 'Smoke to Die' scrawled across the chest area. It was rather long, covering my behind and a little path of my black ripped jeans that were completed with ankle black sneakers.

My dressing style did not usually satisfy my father, but I managed to convince him that black was a happy color.

Not knowing what to do with the extra time that I had in my hands, I decided to phone Gwen.

She picked up on the third ring.

"Hello?" Her voice was soft and small, one would think she was whispering. I rolled my eyes at her casual-girly attitude.

"Are you cold or something?" I asked. I was never usually the one to greet one formally and ask them how they are doing unless I really wanted to know - usually I spit out what first comes to my mind.

"Nope," she said popping the 'p' "I'm just really, really tired," I could hear her stifle a yawn as her tone stretched.

"Oh okay."

I also sucked at carrying conversations. The girls would usually the talking and I'll just throw my not needed thoughts whenever I felt like it. Like a five year old would try to shove a penny down a broken vending machine to fish out a chocolate that he would never get.

"By the way, thank you. Like really, thank you," she said, her voice louder now but still small and genuine.

"What for?" I asked, my eyebrows scrunching up as I tried to think back to the list of good things I did this month.
1) buy my dad a new frying pan, and
2) give the kid a chocolate to shut him up.
Yeah, that was pretty much it.

"For the Dylan thing," she muttered very quietly like it was some sort of hidden secret. Pfft.

"Don't mention it," I smiled genuinely and even though she could not see it, I was pretty sure she could hear it in my voice.

When I hear the bell ring, I say my good byes and get off the phone telling her to take care.

I don't know why but I was very much excited for this day -not date kind of date- with him. I think I will be denying it for as long as I can, but I have never felt so much since he stumbled into my life through the café after a dog.