WARNING: This chapter contains imagery of sexual violence and triggers to self-harm/suicide. 

Hello,

So this chapter is a little shorter the previous ones because I felt right to keep it short. Please read my authors note at the end. 

Previously...

Flo visited Jake at his apartment to return the money that he tipped her when she was working at a restaurant that he went to with Becca (Flo's step-sister, who is much older). Flo arrived angry because of the tip and didn't want his financial help, she felt like a charity case. Jake invited her into the apartment where the conversation led to her crying about the past. Jake tries to comfort her before she leaves. This chapter takes off where the last chapter left - she's stopped on the side of the road coming back from Jake's apartment, crying. 

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What I've started to do when I feel like shit and there's so much on mind, I take a pen to paper and just write it out. I don't know why, but I feel like when I can't confide in anyone, that paper is the only thing that I can talk to. Some sort of deep shit right there.

I'm still parked up on the side of a strange road with the sun starting to set before me, scrambling through my bag for a decent pen and old notepad no bigger than my hand - anything will do for now. I'm no longer crying since I've spent the past ten minutes doing just that, non-stop. Yet, I wish I still was. Along with writing out my feelings, I feel like crying is the only way I can get all of the angst out of my system.

Holding the paper to my lap, I start to write.

Dear Jake,

God his name even looks perfect on paper.

I need you so much closer. All of these years, I've never felt as lonely as I do right now. You're right in front of me, but so damn far away.

Ey, and the waterworks of my eyes start again. See, it doesn't take much to make me cry.

I was 14 when I realised what was between us was so much more than just a basic friendship, at least on my side. I didn't think that you thought of me as anything more than a friend, so I didn't act upon it. But things changed when mum cheated on dad, I got angry and couldn't give a shit about anything anymore. I started feeling sorry for myself actually, which is sometimes a really toxic thing to do; I started defending my actions by blaming other people. Because I didn't feel like you loved me back, there was such a big part of me that resented you.

Stupid, I know. I'm stupid.

There's no excuse, but that's why I did what I did. To try and escape everything, I started going out more, drinking more. The divorce got to me more than it should of, I can't even remember how many times I knocked myself out because of how drunk I got to forget about my parents and what was happening.

I take a pause from writing and wipe my tears, squeezing my eyes shut to clear my vision. I think this is the first time I've ever written everything down like this.

Then it was that one night at that party which just royally fucked everything up. I kissed River. I try telling myself it was 'just a drunken kiss', but it wasn't though - it was a lot darker than that. Sure, I had some to drink, but by that time my tolerance was high, I knew the shit that I was doing. And Georgia, she was fucking pregnant, together with River she was happy. It was complicated but they were both happy. I ruined that.

Why?

I feel like screaming and ripping the paper apart right now.

Because I wanted to get back at you. I wanted to make you feel jealous. I wanted people to care for me. I wanted the attention and I wanted all of you guys to feel sorry for me like how I was feeling sorry for myself. You, River, Ky, Georgia, Emily, all of your lives seemed perfect while mine was falling apart. I was so so selfish.

But little did I know, that was just the start - the tip of a huge iceberg that I couldn't handle. You all hated me after that night. River couldn't look me in the eyes because deep down, I think he knew my intention behind that stupid kiss. I still remember how he pulled away and looked at me as if he didn't know who on earth I'd turned into. The day after was the last conversation I've had with Georgia, I miss her like crazy sometimes. She's one of the kindest souls I knew, kind of like Aiden, but I guess that changed after my doings.

Like I said, it was less about the kiss, more about my intentions. I'd changed completely, I wasn't there for her when she found out she was pregnant, I'd isolated myself from everyone, including you.

But Jake, would you believe that all this mess is the least of my worries right now. This mess keeps me up at night, I can't sleep because of the havoc I've created. But what makes me want to kill myself is something much bigger.

After all this drama, after everyone turning their backs on me because of what I did, I went back to the drinking and the partying to get my mind off of it. The alcohol started to take its toll, and at one party it went too far.

I started flirting with this guy, thinking he was pretty decent. We actually had a nice conversion, he listened to me mainly mumble away about my problems as I took swigs from whatever cocktail was in my hand at the time. For once in months I actually felt as if someone cared about me.

My hand starts to get cramp from how angrily I'm writing.

He leaned in to kiss me and I let him, I even kissed him back. It didn't feel right, but I allowed it. One thing led to the other, his hands on areas of my body that I was not comfortable with, but I didn't say anything. I remember staying very quiet, the silence was deafening. I don't know why, but in that moment I felt paralysed, I couldn't speak or move as his hands roamed my body. To be honest, I can't even remember how we go to the bedroom we were in.

He started unbuckling his belt, Jake. I've never felt so scared before in my life. My heart was shivering and something finally kicked in as I sprinted to the door of the bedroom. Before I was able to open it, he'd chased after me and grabbed me by the waist only to push me to a wall and start kissing me. By this point, I was screaming, but no one could hear me because of the music. He bit my tongue so hard it started to bleed - his technique worked though because I stopped screaming after that.

Instead, I just kept telling him to stop.

'Please stop, please Jason, look at me you don't want to do this.' I think I repeated that phrase at least a hundred times, no exaggeration. The taste of blood mixed with his saliva in my mouth was sickening, I'm surprised I didn't throw up. He pushed me to the bed with so much force that I was winded.

No matter how hard I struggled, how many times I said no, how much I tried to push him away, it didn't stop. I was a virgin, Jake. He stripped me of all my dignity and gave me so much pain. By the time it was over, he was chuckling at me. He was looking at me sprawled on the bed in my own blood with my clothes ripped apart and was laughing. He was laughing.

How can he live with himself?

How can I live with myself now?

If all of this happened, maybe in a few decades I can rebuild my life and I'll forgive him. Yet what he said before he left the room will always stay in my head, I'll never forget these words.

I stop writing and look ahead at the sunset, the orange-pink sky in all its beauty and wonder how such a human like Jason can be so disgusting. I will never wish something like what has happened to me on my worst enemy, not even on him. It fucks you up beyond repair.

"Fuck you!" I scream violently, looking back at the paper in my lap and watch as the tears land on and smudge the ink.

My hand is shaking, but I want to finish this.

He told me...

I squeeze the pen in my hand.

'You were a good fuck, shame you didn't enjoy it.'

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Hefty chapter, I know. 

I know you guys hate it when I disappear, but I'll never give up on these books. It because I want them to be perfect that I don't update every week. MPAI will be updated, but I'm just editing the book right now because I'm not sure how to go about the ending. Major writers' block, you feel?

If you're going through anything of what Flo has been through, please get help. If not for your sake, for the people who love you because this is never your fault, and you shouldn't have to suffer alone. 

Thanks for reading, it means the world. 

Stay beautiful, stay safe, 

Indie xoxo