By @silenttomorrows

Hillary Hepsjinker was a woman of determination.

When asked to raise funds
for the three legged goats of County Durham,
she baked enough apple muffins to feed a nation.

Sold at 50p a bun, the Reverend Cuthbert Fiddler thought he'd stumbled across an angel of epic fundraising proportions.

The Verger thought she was well above her station.

So it was, that in Cuthbert's Sunday congregation, whilst the hymns rang out
filling pews, naves and vestibules with choiry voices of Ava Marie and celestial celebrations, that Hillary's soprano notes presided above the rest.

But unfortunately Hillary was tone deaf.

Ursula Pont went home very perplexed!
It was such a cacophony that her falsetto lost zest.

Ursula had been the Reverend's stalwart Victoria sponge maker.
Now why did the Reverend forsake her?
Just because Hilary filled the coffers high.
Ursula gave out a very sad sigh...and returned home.

Later that night Ursula was still miffed.
She felt that by Cuthbert she was dismissed
She used her eye dropper,
and as she carefully placed the drops in her eyes,
a cunning wee plan did Ursula devise.

After rehearsals the choir would retreat.
To the crown and the anchor, the pub down the street.
In pride of place at the head of the table
Hillary seemed everyone's very best flavour
Under the anchor screwed to the wall
Hillary would court them and talk to them all

Now Ursula loved to play the bassoon
Stranger on the Shore was her very best tune
This was much stranger that it should have been
As usually a clarinet would play this theme

So into the pub they all gathered once more
And Ursula started to play for them all
Nobody noticed the tunes that she played
But this time Miss Ursula wasn't dismayed

Ursula performed a tune that was slow
Involving some notes that were very low
The deepest B flat she could muster shook out
Shaking the building, things rumbled about

The anchor fell off onto Hillary's head
Leaving her speechless, in fact she was dead

Who loosened the screws?

I'll leave that unsaid!

A few days later
In the vestry
The verger put in a box for @naomimrshl to find

A walnut
A mitre
And a petty coat