In the remaining part of the springtime in New York City, I spent my time working on my university assignments in the park. I juggled university work with proofreading Noemi's writing and giving her my last feedback before it went out to be published. The springtime at university was always a busy time for me, as I was trying to do everything just right and perfectly. During that time I couldn't focus on anything other than keeping my life together.

I hadn't read a book in over three months and it affected my mental health. I viewed books as an escape from everyday responsibilities. However, it was only fun to read them when the responsibilities awaiting me on the outside didn't influence my whole life. My responsibilities at that time would influence my whole future and that's the only reason I possessed enough self-control to not pick up one book on my nightstand. 

I knew I only had one more month of that hell show, as I liked to call the month of May in university to endure before the summer officially started for me. I was planning on staying in New York during the summer. However, I still didn't have a clue about how I could afford that. But I was determined to figure it out. So during my long study hours, I tried to make myself feel better by remembering a nice long summer in New York was waiting for me at the end of the semester.

The late afternoons in May I spent cosied up in my bookstore. The bookstore where I worked didn't see many clients, which enabled me to start studying for my finals earlier than I had originally planned. My little job was perfect for me to reread mandatory literature and make flashcards for my classes. Being cocooned up in the bookstore was really handy when I had to study. It was especially nice when the rain was pouring outside. It made me feel like I was in a movie. I knew those were probably some of the last raindrops that New York City would see in the springtime and the summer months. Aterward, the heat waves would hit and the New York pavements wouldn't feel any sprinkle of water before autumn.

Looking back now the only thing that kept me sane then were my lunches with Noemi and her book. It gave me that little bit of escapism that was necessary for me to make it through the remaining weeks. It gave me hope that there was still a world on the outside that was waiting for me to start living again because studying and working for ten hours a day with my books wasn't living. Spending time with the people I loved and doing the things that brought me joy, on the other hand, was. 

Once I aced my finals I went out for a celebratory frozen yoghurt, I was so proud of myself that I ordered a chocolate brownie with it. Then I browsed bookstores with used books and spent some hard-earned money on them.  I had to give it to myself, I was living the dream life that I imagined years ago. I knew I couldn't be happier and most importantly, prouder of myself.

But that was a lie; I could be happier. I saw that I could be happier when a new job opening was offered to me. It was all thanks to Noemi, she told her publishing house I helped her proofread her story and they asked me if I wanted to work as an intern during the summer. I was over the moon with the opportunity. I certainly didn't have anything better to do and I wasn't keen on returning home, so I said yes. The money they offered me gave me a reason to breathe again more calmly considering the prices in New York.

That meant I would be spending my mornings and afternoons in their offices or running around the city trying to figure out how to throw together an opening party for the books being published most of the summer. I started to feel more grown up. I had a grown-up job and I lived alone. I felt like Tessa from After, who had a similar experience. 

Due to the countless books I had read, I wasn't perceiving this as a drastic change, instead, I thought I was semi-familiar with the whole process. I could spend days reading manuscripts and proofreading the stories that were sent to the publishers. The stories were unedited and sometimes it showed, it showed in the flow of my reading. 

Some unedited stories would make me uninterested, but for the most part, I liked to think of my job as discovering pearls in the shell, just waiting to be lured out of their hiding places. Some pieces that I read through left me speechless and thinking about my life choices due to the way the words were formed. When I came across a story or excerpt of sorts, it showed me time and time again why I love reading. 

However, life isn't meant to be spent just between the pages of a book or between words organised on a piece of paper, but between other people, who show you the meaning of the things that have been written. I didn't spend my internship just reading manuscripts, but I also worked on organising book launches and making my connections in the publishing world. 

My coworkers in the office were nice and lovely, they welcomed me with open arms. I was surprised at how well they collaborated on everything even though the team was short on staff members as most of them had gone out on vacation during the summer. At that time of the year, the office was comprised mostly of people who were married to their job and us interns. I believed this opportunity was a great way for me to network. It could also represent a springboard for my life after university, a way for me to get a job in my field. 

My degree was great and all for studying but not so much for making actual money. I didn't really know what I would like to do with my life after getting a degree. I wasn't planning on being a high school English teacher because I didn't see myself as someone who had enough patience with students.  The world of publishing from an outside perspective was at first a little bit too overwhelming for my liking. However, this internship changed everything. I became more comfortable in the adult world and in playing my part in it. I didn't feel like an outsider anymore or as a completely incompetent person. Instead, I felt like I belonged.

In my team, they listened to my ideas and some of them thought they were good. We were preparing a publishing party for one of the books that was coming out in July. They liked the Pinterest board that I made for them, so they decided to go with it. I felt like the proudest person on earth. I was feeling like a true grown-up, something I thought I would never feel. 

When I told my mom about it, she was so happy for me and asked for pictures of it, so she could show them to my father. I was happy to know, I still had them in my corner despite them being a flight away. While being on the phone with Mum, I asked about my sister. But she was busy, "Sorry honey, you know her. She's a busy woman with her children and a booming research career in front of her."

I nodded on the phone while trying to conceal my disappointment, "Yeah, don't worry about it. Just missing her here." 

"I know honey, I'll tell her you said hey," Mom reassured me. So I let my sister be. I suppose it was for the best. I still loved her, though.

The thought of my family miles away was soon erased by me running around New York City and helping throw together the events surrounding different book launches. All my organizational skills came in handy, but being a shy person these events made my life a little messy. I was an introvert at heart, however, this workload made me swim in the current I didn't know I wanted to be a part of.

Don't get me wrong, the job was lovely and the busier I was the happier I felt. Despite my introversion, I was happy when an event I helped with was a success or when I overcame my shyness and made a new acquaintance while buying flowers for the arrangements. Those wins weren't big ones, but they were very important for my self-esteem.

Despite being busy during the week and barely missing my friends and family I noticed that on weekends I was alone and I felt it too. I didn't have any friends left in the city. Everybody I knew from before flew home for the break. I missed them, I missed Rose with whom I would watch The Batchelor and Nicole with her fierce womanly energy around me. 

However, being left alone in the apartment enabled me to slide back into my old habits of doing my morning yoga and working out in the evening without distractions. It helped me to live my perfect day over and over again.

I thought I was happy. Maybe the people around me would say I took self-care one step too far, I would say I was striving for perfection. Nothing less nothing more. I wanted to give myself that, sense of peace that came with the knowledge I was doing the best I could and I was succeeding at it. When I was following my schedule of bettering myself I felt at peace, I guess someone would say I am a perfectionist. But honestly? I didn't see anything wrong with it. I believe it helped me get where I am today. 

I kept repeating the same routines because I believed they helped me love myself. In that mindset, I started preparing for Noemi's book launch party. I helped her organise it because besides Noemi I was the only person that knew the book inside out like she did. I knew where in the book Noemi wanted to show its strengths and which parts to emphasise with different activities connected to the plot. I was the person for the job. I presented Noemi with stacks of Pinterest boards and mood boards for the flower arrangements, appetisers and activities we could do with the readers. 

I always liked themes in books and connections with flowers, food and music. How all different forms of art could form one giant body of work. Everything about Noemi's book was well planned out a week before the grand opening. Never had a book signing event gone so smoothly as this one. I wanted Noemi to have the least amount of pressure on her and the least amount of worries. So I did everything myself, the only thing she needed to do was to make decisions. It was like a BuzzFeed quiz where she could just pick what she liked and instead of a profile, she would get her party. 

On the evening before the book signing, I was happy and aware that everything was under control and I could therefore breathe a little calmer. In the afternoon we went to the venue and decorated it with all we could. The flowers and the food would come the next day and would be sorted out then. And that was all I could do for the time being. 

However, there was one project I couldn't help her with - the guest list. I didn't know that many people in the industry, so I let somebody else see to that. Despite everything just waiting to be put together, I couldn't feel the calmness, so I repeated to myself a couple of times "It will be fine, It will be fine. it will be fine."

But even deep breaths did little for my nerves, so I started watching The Batchelor. It was my guilty pleasure, surprisingly it also always calmed my nerves. And this time it was no different. 

However, I wasn't prepared for the surprise that came later in the evening, just before I went to bed. The doorbell rang and when I opened it, I found on my doorstep the last person I expected to see on a Thursday night.