This is dedicated to one of my most avid readers who takes time to tell me to update.

Enjoy, Bea!

Maybe Next Time

I was moments from walking down the aisle, minutes from being someone's wife, seconds from being married to a person I love the most.

Of course, kinakabahan ako. Sinong bride ang hindi kinakabahan sa kasal nila, 'di ba? Sobrang nerve-wracking talaga. Worse than any exam out there. Kung tutuusin, isang tanong lang naman at isang two-word answer. Pero bakit mas mahirap sagutin minsan?

May kumatok sa pinto kaya naman inayos ko ang sarili ko. "Come in," ani ko at umupo ng maayos sa kama na tinulugan ko kagabi. Napangiti ako nang pumasok si Jed sa kuwarto at may dala-dala siyang plastic bag. "Jed, oh my gosh! Bakit ka andito? 'Di ba dapat nasa simbahan ka na?" Tumayo ako at sinalubong siya ng yakap.

Niyakap din niya ako pabalik at halos 'di ako makahinga sa higpit ng yakap niya. Nang pakawalan niya ako, kinunootan ko siya ng noo. "Ikakasal ka na," aniya pero kita kong 'di siya masaya. Naiintindihan ko naman siya.

Jed has been my friend ever since I could walk. He's my best friend and he will be Joshua's best man on my wedding day. Simula pagkabata, protective na si Jed sa'kin. Halos walang makalapit until two years ago. Nag-OJT kasi siya sa Cebu kaya sa dalawang buwan na 'yun, nagpaka-liberated ako dahil first time na walang bantay. I met Joshua and we clicked. Two years later, we're ready for the second biggest step of our relationship--marriage.

"You know you'll always be my best friend," sabi ko at niyakap siya. Mapait na napangiti siya kaya sumimangot na talaga ako. "Hindi ka ba masaya para sa akin?"

"Masaya," mahinang sagot niya. "Pero hindi ako masaya para sa'kin."

I hesitated. "Is everything okay, Jed?" tanong ko.

He nodded and forced a smile. Hindi ako nagkomento sa attempt niyang lokohin ako. "Anyway, I wanted to give you this. Pero, before anything else, I want you to know na it's just for your information. Not to mess up your mind or anything. Okay, Ciena?"

I nodded and received his gift. "Should I open it now or...?"

He stood up and kissed my forehead. "I love you, Ciena."

My heart fluttered but he left before I could speak. Curious, binuksan ko 'yung paperbag and was surprised to see a slambook. I nearly cried at the cover: Twin Hearts For Life.

The first page was a picture of him and me when we were still newborn babies. Of course, his was two years older than mine pero I was touched na pinagtabi niya. At the bottom, it said our names and a simple sentence: "Who thought babies born at different years would have one heart?"

I bit my lip to muffle my cry and turned to the next page. It was him when he was two, and me as a baby. He was making funny faces in the picture and I was crying full-on. Natawa ako sa picture at hinaplos 'yun. "You were the sister I never got to annoy. Glad you came, princess." The caption was funny yet heartfelt.

I kept on turning pages and I was in tears when I reached the half of it. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ako naiiyak--these are memories we both lived and I never felt this emotional when these were happening. So why was I crying now?

Deep down, I knew the answer.

The next page shocked me. It was my Destiny list. I read a book on Wattpad one time and the girl made a list of things her soulmate would do or say or wear. I liked the concept and did it. "Were you choosing at random or forcing destiny? :)". I blushed at the caption but wiped a stray tear as I reread my list:

1) His name starts with a "J"
2) He wears a pink button-up.
3) He plays a sport.
4) He treats me like royalty.
5) He loves me.

Looking back now, Joshua had all those characteristics. Pero nagulo ang isip at puso ko sa caption na nilagay ni Jed. How did I force destiny?

I flipped the page again and on it was Jed's name. But the "J" was in Bold, making it stand out and I bit my lip at what was to come. The next page, it was a picture of Jed in a pink button-up shirt and me laughing beside him. Naalala ko 'yan. It was my 6th grade graduation and na-mix ang isang red sock sa washer kaya naging pink lahat ng white nila. He was so adorable with his pout while wearing the pink shirt. The next page, was him and me playing basketball sa backyard nila. I closed my eyes and felt my tears flowing as I shakily opened the next page. It was just the word PRINCESS and then below it was a phrase that said "isn't that what I call you?" This time, I bit my knuckles to silent my sob as I flipped the slambook again. It was... just him. Na-confuse ako. Pero I flipped to the last page and saw a long message there, his hand-writing obvious.

I prepared myself before reading.

Princess,

You wrote that list of yours when you were in Junior High School. I didn't know about it until two months before your wedding, when I was putting this crappy book together. I had given up during that time, no longer believing that you could ever be mine.

Yes, I want you. And that list of yours gave me an insight that maybe, you felt something for me over the course of many, many years. Why, you ask?

1) You didn't just choose a random letter. Why "J", Ciena?

A tear fell from my eyes.

2) A pink-button up shirt? Like the one I wore two years before you made the list? The one when you told me that I'm the ONLY guy you know who owned a pink one?

Someone knocked on my door and I was thankful that Jed had locked it before leaving me inside. I'm sure magagalit si Mommy at 'yung make-up artist dahil gulong-gulo na siguro ang make-up ko. But I don't care. I want to finish this.

3) Plays a sport? You know damn well I play basketball.

4) Treats you like royalty? What do you mean, PRINCESS?

5) Loves you? Haven't I shown you that for the past fifteen years?

I don't why you're marrying someone else who is NOT me. I'm your destiny, right? Not only did I check all those on your list, you made that list based on me. I love you so much, princess. I just hope you saw that before you said "yes" to a guy who's unworthy of you. Don't you think we deserve each other?

"Ciena, your make-up!" Mom screeched when she saw me. I instantly hugged her and she was caught off guard.

=•=

The music on the other side of the door was meant to be romantic--but to me, it sounded like the elevator sounds to Hell. Ayokong maging unfair kay Joshua--all he did was love me and I fell for him. I love him, pero alam ko sa sarili ko na mas mahal ko si Jed. Pero what can I do? I've committed myself to say "I Do" in front of the Lord and of everyone else. Including him.

I closed my eyes and realized how much this might hurt him.

"Okay, ready na ang bride!"

Am I?

"Open the doors!"

The wooden double doors opened and I was thankful for my white veil that covered my tears. Si Jed ang nakita ko, not Joshua. He was looking at me like I was the most beautiful girl he's ever seen and the thought isn't impossible now. Maybe I'm the only woman he ever saw--he never had girlfriends, only flings. The thought just made me sadder.

I walked down the aisle and met his gaze through my veil. A sob broke free and I slowly, and subtly, shook my head. A tear fell from his eyes and it just broke me right there.

But I kept walking. Walking towards a man I love, and a man I'm in love with. I just realized the difference now.

When I reached them, Jed hugged me and whispered the three words I've always wanted to hear from him.

"I love you, princess."

I closed my eyes. "Maybe next time, Jed. In another lifetime."

He let go of me and forced a smile, shakily handing my hand to Joshua who accepted it with a huge smile on his face. I smiled through my tears that everyone thought was of joy--but it was for pain, loss, and resentment.

When I faced the altar, I remembered my earlier question to myself: Why was I crying now?

Simply because it's too late now.

=•=•=

Ciena - Julia Barretto
Jed - Enrique Gil
Joshua - Diego Loyzaga