TRIGGER WARNING
VENTING ABOUT DEATH, EMOTIONS

Im tired im so tired

Not sleep tired, Tired of life, Tired of waking up to feeling replaceable, Tired of feeling like Im the friend no one wants around anymore, Tired of disappointment

I don't want to live but I dont want to die, I dont want people to mourn over me and cause them trouble, I just want peace, I want some kind of relaxation, Just for a while

Like the stories you hear about people experiencing death and they feel calm, no emotion, no negative, no positive, just there existing

Thats what I want

Maybe thats why I sleep a lot, Cause I dont want to experience anything anymore

Like I want a reset, Like if I had a button to take all of my problems away, I'd press it over and over and over again, hoping that something changes, something becomes better

Im so tired of feeling annoyed or scared when I hear a noise similar to someone that had caused trauma to me

Im ready to leave, Never come back to this house, To this nightmare of a life, Ready to finally feel happy for once since I was 9

I barely have any late elementary/middle school memories, I can barely remember last week sometimes

I dont feel normal at times, I want to end it all sometimes, disappear from this world without a trace to make me feel at peace

Im tired of crying, Of tears, making people worry for a few minutes and then they forget everything about me

Im tired of being emotionally sensitive, I want to have my childhood back, I want my child innocence and joy back, I want to be happy again

I dont like venting to my friends and feeling like im giving them problems to deal with when Im the therapy friend, I hate feeling weak and defenseless, Like I cant do anything to protect myself or the people I care about

I dont mind being the therapy friend, I love helping my friends but when Im venting to them, It feels wrong, Like im not supposed to feel this way

I hate feeling like im being left out when my friends leave me behind in the halls and they talk to their friends and leave me out of it

I hate feeling like I bother my friends when I walk over to them and they stop talking and look at each other for a minute

I feel like a bother a lot, Like I do more to bug everything and everyone instead of feeling like I belong there, having fun and laughing with them

I feel forgotten, Even when I know theyre busy, I feel left out and like theyre ignoring me

I hate feeling this way, if I could turn my emotions off, I could

Become a robot and never have to deal with emotions like this sounds like a blessing

I want peace, happiness, relaxation

I dont want to be frustrated, sad, angry

I just want to leave

Leave the internet

Leave my house

Leave this world

Whatever it takes for me to feel happy again, I want it

I dont want therapy, I dont want meds or to talk to some random stranger

I just want to scream sometimes, Not scream any words, Just to go out somewhere empty, And yell, scream, let out all of my emotions and angry cry

It sounds so peaceful to just yell into nothingness and have nothing yell back

Ive been crying for maybe 30-40 minutes now and I feel pathetic

I feel weak and lonely and like nothing or no one cares for me

I want to know its not true but my emotions and thoughts make me think otherwise

I overthink every decision

'did i phrase that right'

'do i sound rude'

'do i annoy them'

'is this where they tell me they hate me and want me to go away'

'why do i feel like im bothering them all the time'

'nothing about me is special or happy'

I think about how much I must annoy people with my rants about things, like a favorite character, an anime, an oc, or just about something that happened

I think about how i must be loud or rude or im being inconsiderate

I just want to feel ok

I just want to feel happy

I dont want to feel like this anymore

Im so tired of everything

Of everyone

Of every decision

Of every sentence

Every noise

Every thought

Every look

Every word

Im just so so tired

I want to sleep

And never wake up sometimes

I might sound like im overreacting but i cant help the emotions bottling up 24/7 because i dont want to bug people

If i get in a fight and my friend is happy over something, i push my frustrations down and act happy for them because i dont want to bother them

If im crying and someone wants to talk to me, i wipe the tears, make myself look ok and open the door

If there was an emotion to describe this, I want that word

I want to know what I feel like 24/7

I want to know why I feel like this

Why this is caused

Whats the cause thats effecting me

What the big picture is

Im sorry that you read all this, if you even did so uh

More OC coming soon I guess 😛✌✨😍