Tanya’s POV

Hanggang ngayon na na nakauwi na ako sa bahay para pa rin akong nakalutong sa ulap. Hindi pa rin ako makapaniwala na ako ang unang humalik sa kanya. Hindi ko na napigilan ang sarili kong gawin iyon ng makita ko kung gaano kalungkot ang mga mata niya. Hinalikan ko siya kasi gusto kong mabawasan kahit konti man lang ang sakit na nararamdaman niya. Alam ko ang pakiramdam na parang nag-iisa ka na lang habang buhat mo sa balikat mo ang bigat ng buong mundo. Hinalikan ko siya dahil iyon ang pakiramdam kong tamang gawin ng mga oras na iyon.

“Tanya.” Nagulat ako at nagising mula sa malalim na pag-iisip ng marinig ang boses ni nanay. Lumingon ako sa pinto ng kwarto kung nasaan siya nakatayo. “Ikaw bata ka, kanina pa kita hinihintay. Dumadalas na yata ang pag-uwi mo ng gabi.”

Lumapit siya sa mesa kung saan ako nakatayo at nagmano ako sa kanya. “Pasenya na, nay. Gumawa kasi kami ng mga kaklase ko ng project.” Inilapag ko ang plastic bag na hawak ko sa mesa at inilabas ang mga gamot niya. “Nakabili ko na ang lahat ng gamot na nireseta sa inyo ng doktor at saka nabayaran ko na din si aling Moning.”

At ito, ito ang humahatak sa akin pabalik sa realidad. Ang perang ibinabayad sa akin ni Wayne. Parang isang masakit na sampal sa mukha ko iyon pero hindi ko kayang tanggihan iyon. Kailangan ng nanay ang mga gamot niya, kailangan ko iyon para may makain kaming dalawa, kailangan kong mabayaran ang renta namin, kailangan ko yun pangtuition.

“Saan ka ba nakakakuha ng pera?” Seryosong tanong niya habang nakatitig sa mga mata ko.

Nagbaba ako ng tingin dahil alam kong hindi ko kayang magsinungaling habang nakatingin sa kanya. “Nangutang po ako sa mga kaibigan ko.”

“Tanya, anak, hindi mo naman kailangan gawin iyon.” Bumuntong-hininga siya.  “Magkakabaon-baon lang tayo sa utang. Bakit hindi mo na lang ako hayaan na mamasukan bilang kasambahay-“

“Nay, napag-usapan na natin yan. Hindi po ako papayag na magtrabaho kayo lalo na ngayon na may sakit pa kayo.”

“Kaya ko pa naman. Kaysa naman nandito lang ako sa bahay.”

“Mabuti yun para sa’yo, nay. Magpahinga ka na lang dito sa bahay. Hindi po dapat kayo napapagod.”  

“Ayaw ko lang kasing nakikita kang nahihirapan.”

“Hindi naman po ako nahihirapan at saka malapit na akong makapagtapos.” Malambing na niyakap ko siya mula sa likod niya at ipinatong ko ang baba ko sa balikat niya. “May awa ang Diyos, nay. Matatapos din ang lahat ng paghihirap natin. Pag nakahanap na ako ng magandang trabaho hindi na natin kahit kailan poproblemahin ang pera. Bibili ako ng malaking bahay para sa’yo at hindi mo na kailangan gumawa ng kahit anong gawaing bahay dahil kukuha din ako ng kasambahay para sa’yo.”

Natawa si nanay. “Ang batang ‘to.” Naiiling-iling na sabi niya bago idinantay ang ulo niya sa akin. “Hindi ko naman kailangan ng mga iyon. Wala akong ginusto kung hindi ang maging maganda ang buhay mo.” 

Pagkatapos namin mag-usap ni nanay nagbanlaw ako ng katawan sa banyo. Pagpasok ko sa kwarto saktong tumunog ang cellphone ko mula sa backpack ko. Binuksan ko iyon at nakita ang pangalan ni Wayne. 5 text messages and 1 missed call. Tumunog ulit iyon habang hawak ko. Tumatawag siya sa akin pero tinitigan ko lang iyon. Parang hindi na kasi tama itong nararamdaman ko para sa kanya. Hindi normal ang relasyon namin dalawa at hindi kahit kailan magiging normal iyon. Binabayaran niya ako para makasama niya.

Habang lalo kaming nagiging malapit sa isa’t isa lalong nahuhulog ang loob ko sa kanya. Iyon ang ayaw kong mangyari. Ayokong maging komplikado ang mga bagay sa pagitan namin. Ayokong mainvolve ang feelings ko. Para kapag hindi niya na ako kailangan, hindi magiging ganon kasakit ‘pag nawala siya.Pero iyon din ang mahirap na gawin. Paanong hindi mahuhulog ang loob mo sa kanya? Pwede niyang gawin ang kahit anong gusto niya sa akin pero mas pinili niyang respetuhin ako at itrato bilang babae. Hindi niya ipinaramdam sa akin na bayaran ako.

Wala sa sariling niyakap ko sa dibdib ko ang cellphone na hawak ko ng matapos magring iyon. Napakagat ako sa pang-ibabang labi ko, para nalalasahan at nararamdaman ko pa rin ang mga labi niya sa akin.

Wayne’s POV

I fell asleep with my phone in my hand, waiting for her to at least reply to my messages. My phone was the first thing I checked as soon as I woke up. I went through my messages and let out a sigh of relief when I saw Tanya’s name.

Sorry ngayon lang ako nakapagreply. Nakatulog na agad ako kagabi paguwi ko.

I called her and after the second ring she picked it up.

“Morning, Tanya.”

“Wayne.” I heard her soft voice on the other end of the line. “Hindi ko nasagot ang tawag mo kagabi, nakatulog na kasi ako paguwi ko.”

“I understand. I just wanted to check on you and make you got home safe.”

“Salamat.”

“Tanya, I really enjoyed being with you last night.”

“Ako din.” She said. I could still feel her lips on mine, her scent filling me, her warm skin against mine, the soft curves of her body. It was vivid, unforgettable. I kept reliving the kiss in my mind over and over again.

“So, I’ll see you later?”

“Sige.” She answered. “Kailangan ko na bumalik sa klase.”

After our conversation, I went on with my daily routine but my mind was with her. She was all I could think about. It was as if everything I am now was tied up in her. I was struck by my feelings for her and the fact that I had trusted her enough to tell her all the emotions I had been keeping to myself. She was the only one who really knew me, the only one I let in fully. She scares me because I told her thing I never even knew I felt until I opened up to her last night.

I just wanted someone to fuck but now I got more than what I bargained for.

“Eugene’s parents are out of town and he’s throwing a party at his house. Sasama ka ba sa amin?” I was cut off from my thought when I heard Seth’s voice.

“When?” I asked.

“Tonight.” He answered.

I already had plans with Tanya.  

“Huwag mong sabihing hindi ka na naman sasama?” Sabi ni Phoenix.

“What are you up to these days anyway? Busy boning that chick, what’s her name again, Tanya?” Axel chuckled. A swirling mix of annoyance and protectiveness shot through me.

“Shut the fuck up. Don’t talk about her that way.” My eyes narrowed at him.

“Calm the fuck down. I’m just asking.” He shrugged.

“Hoy, tama na nga yan. Mamaya mag-awa pa kayo niyan. Dalhin mo na lang yung chicks mo sa party.” Tristan grinned at me.

I took Tristan’s suggestion to bring Tanya with me to the party. I picked her up from the fast food restaurant where she was working after her shift and went to Eugene’s. I parked my car in front of his house along with the other cars. I could already hear the loud music from the outside.

We got out of the car and she walked nervously next to me.

“Wayne, ano’ng gagawin natin dito?” She asked.

“A schoolmate’s having a party. We’re just going to hang out with my friends for awhile.” I answered.

“Teka, okay lang ba ‘tong suot ko?” She  worriedly asked, looking down at what she was wearing and so did I. A loose plaid blouse, a ragged blue jeans that hugged her frame perfectly and a pair of old white sneakers. Her simplicity was what made her different from all the girls I’ve met. Her simplicity was her beauty.

“You look perfect.” I smiled. She shyly smiled back at me as a warm blush spread across her face. My heart felt like it was slamming against my chest with just the sight of her smile. How in the hell could I possibly feel this way about a woman? I swallowed, trying to collect myself. “Come on, let’s go in.”

My hand crawled to the small of her back as we went in. The whole house was crowded, full of people, smoke and the smell of beer.  She inched closer to me as we pushed through the crowd.  I held her tight and kept her scent in my senses. It made my head spin, my heart race, and my nerves tingle.

“Wayne, I thought you weren’t going?” I saw Nick walking towards us with a bottle of beer in one hand.  

“I never said I wouldn’t go.” I said.

Nick turned his attention to Tanya. “Hindi mo naman sinabing may kasama ka pa lang magandang babae.”

Tanya answered him with a slight smile.

 “Where are the other guys?” I asked, my fingers possesively clutched on Tanya’s waist tighter.

 “They’re by the pool. I was just heading there.” Sabi ni Nick bago tumalikod. We followed him out of the house and to the pool area. It was stuffed with people, girls clad in tiny bikinis and men in trunks. I saw Seth and Axel sitting on the patio sofa by the pool with two unfamiliar women in bikinis, one was sitting on Seth’s lap while he rubbed her leg, the other girl had her arms wrapped around Axel’s torso.  

“Nandito na si Wayne.” Nick announced before sitting at the edge of the pool. “I’m getting in the pool. It’s hot out here.” And then he jumped in.

“Hey, lil Wayne.” Seth said, barely looking at me, and turned his attention back to the woman sitting on his lap.

“Hey, what are you doing here, I thought-“ Axel suddenly stopped when his eyes caught Tanya. A playful smile spread across his lips. “I see you got a beautiful company tonight, huh? Hi, Tanya, how are you?”

I could feel Tanya tensing against me. She looked up at me, as if she was asking me if she could talk to him. I subtly nodded my head.

“Um, okay lang.” She answered quietly.

“Did you bring your swimsuit? I’d love to see you in a bikini.” He said.

“Well, tough luck, she didn’t bring any swimsuit.” I answered with controlled emotion, my eyes narrowing at him. He was my buddy but if that bastard even try to put a move on her I would wring his fucking neck.

“Chill. I was just kidding.” He chuckled.

We sat on the vacant sofa on the left, across from Seth who was now kissing the girl that was sitting on his lap. Tanya uncomfortably kept her eyes down to avoid looking at them.

“Get a room, you two.” I said.

“You’re just jealous because you’re not getting any.” Seth said with a laugh.  “Are you giving him any, Tanya?”

“H-huh?” Her eyes averted from Seth to me with confusion.

“Jesus Christ, cut it out, Seth.” I snarled at him.

“So, you still haven’t fucked yet?” Axel asked.

My body jerked and I threw a glare at Axel. “Don’t use that word in front of Tanya.”

He grimaced at me, looking at me like I was going crazy. “What? Fuck? It’s our favorite word.”

I was going to open my mouth to say something but I felt Tanya’s hand gently squeeze my thigh. I glanced at her, she was looking at me as if asking me to stop. I let out a sigh and leaned back on the sofa.

“Hey, what’s happening here?” Tristan asked, sitting down next to Seth. He was wet and dripping, obviously from the pool.

“Um, Wayne, Mag-CR lang ako.” She got up from her seat.

“Samahan na kita.”

“Ako na lang. Kaya ko naman mag-isa.” She said like she was in a hurry. Just as I was about to get up from my seat she started walking away, and then I lost sight of her through the crowd.  I cussed under my breath.

“Huwag kang mag-alala hindi naman mawawala yun.” Seth chuckled.

“Yun ba yung chicks mo? Maganda.” Tristan said.

“Malala ka na.” Axel said.

“What are you talking about?” My brows furrowed at him.

“Ang lakas ng tama mo kay Tanya.” Natatawang sabi ni Seth.

“You’re like a whole different person when you’re with her.” Sabi ni Axel.  

“Whatever I’m gonna go find her.” I shook my head in annoyance before getting up from my seat.

Tanya’s POV

Nakipagsiksikan ako sa mga tao papasok sa bahay at huminto ako sa isang sulok kung saan hindi masyadong matao. Hindi ko alam kung uuwi na ba ako ng hindi nagpapaalam kay Wayne o babalik ako. Namumukhaan ko ang isa sa mga kaibigan ni Wayne, yung huling lalaking dumating kanina. Nakikita ko siya minsan sa compound, siya ‘yun, hindi ako pwedeng magkamali. Hindi kami magkakilala at hindi kami nag-uusap, hindi ko alam kung namumukhaan niya rin ba ako.

Nakaramdam ako ng takot sa dibdib ko. Paano kung sabihin ni Wayne sa kanila kung ano talaga ako? Paano pag nalaman ‘to ni nanay? Sinubukan ko munang kalmahin ang sarili ko at i-clear ang isip ko. Baka naman magalit si Wayne sa akin kapag umalis ako ng hindi ko sinasabi sa kanya. Nakita ko ang isang mesa kung saan nakalagay ang mga pagkain at inumin para sa mga bisita at lumapit ako doon para kumuha ng maiinom. Inabot ko ang baso sa tabi ng punch bowl pero bago ko nahawakan iyon ay biglang may kumuha nun.

“Sorry, nauna ako.” Nag-angat ako ng tingin sa nagmamay-ari ng kamay na iyon. Ngumiti siya sa akin bago umismid. Siya yung lasing na babae sa club, yung ex ni Wayne na gustong makipagbalikan sa kanya. Maganda ang mukha niya, parang yung mga modelong makikita mo sa magazine. Wala kang maipipintas sa itsura niya. “I’m Margaux. What’s your name?”

“Tanya.” Maikling sagot ko.

Tinitigan niya ako mula ulo hanggang paa. Gusto kong mangliit sa paraan ng pagtingin niya sa akin na para bang sinusukat niya ang buong pagkatao ko. “I can’t believe this. What was he thinking?”  Tumawa siya ng mahina. “Where did you buy your clothes at a thrift store?”

Nagbaba ako ng tingin sa sahig at nakaramdam ng hiya. Lahat ng mga taong nandito puro magaganda at halatang mamahalin ang mga damit na suot, kung ikukumpara ang suot kong damit sa kanila, magmumukha akong basahan.

“I’m just kidding.” Sabi niya habang kumukuha ng juice mula sa punch bowl. “Wayne’s friend is my friend.” Pagkatapos ay inabot niya sa akin ang baso. Sandali kong tinitigan iyon bago nag-angat ang tingin ko sa kanya. “Here you go, take it.” Nakangiting sabi niya.

Umangat ang kamay ko para kunin iyon pero bigla niyang itinapon ang juice sa damit na suot ko. Napatili ako at bumaba ang mga mata ko sa basang blouse ko.

“Ang clumsy ko talaga. I’m so sorry.” Natatawa at parang nangungutyangs sabi niya.

“Margaux!” Narinig ko ang boses ni Wayne mula sa likod ko.

Biglang nawala ang ngiti niya. “Wayne…”

 “What the hell did you do?” Galit ang boses na tanong niya bago tumingin sa akin.

“M-my hand slipped.” Parang natatarantang sagot nito.

“Hindi niya naman sinasadya.” Sabi ko kahit alam kong sinadya niya iyon. Para maiwasan na lang ang gulo. Madali na lang naman laban ‘to.

“Are you okay?” May pag-aalalang tanong niya. Pinilit kong ngumiti at tumango ako. Kinuha niya ang kamay ko. “Let’s go. We’ll get you changed.”

Hinatak niya ako paakyat sa hagdan at papasok sa isang kwarto.  Sinara niya ang pinto at nilock iyon. Rinig pa rin ang ingay mula sa kasiyahan pero hindi na ganon kalakas. Hindi na nakakabingi. Binuksan ni Wayne ang ilaw. Umikot ang paningin ko. May isang kama sa gitna ng kwarto, isang flat screen tv sa may bandang paanan nito, sa kaliwana naman makikita ang isang salamin na pinto na magdadala sa’yo sa terrace. Nagulat ako ng hubarin ni Wayne ang suot niyang hoodie at naiwan na lang ang itim na sandong suot niya sa loob nun. Inabot niya sa akin iyon pagkatapos.

“Hubarin mo na yang damit mo baka magkasakit ka pa.”

“Salamat.” Sabi ko. Tinignan ko lang ang damit na hawak ko. Kahit nakita niya na ang katawan ko noon hindi ko pa rin ako komportableng maghubad sa harap niya. Siguro naramdaman niya iyon at tumalikod siya.

“Lalabas lang ako sa terrace. Puntahan mo na lang ako dun pagtapos mo.” Sabi niya sa akin bago binuksan ang pinto ng terrace. Pinanood ko siyang lumabas doon at ng maisara niya na ang pinto isa-isa ko ng tinanggal ang butones ng blouse ko. Hinubad ko ang basang damit ko at sinuot ang hoodie ni Wayne. Malaki iyon sa akin. Lagpas pa sa dulo ng mga daliri ko ang manggas at umaabot hanggang sa kalahati ng mga hita ko ang haba nito. Naiwan din doon ang pinaghalong natural na amoy niya at ang mamahaling cologne na gamit niya. Napayakap ako sa sarili ko at humugot ng malalim na hininga. Parang nararamdaman ko pa rin sa damit niya ang naiwan na init mula sa kanya.

Tumingin ako sa pinto ng terrace kung nasaan siya at napabuntong-hininga. Hindi ko na kayang itanggi sa sarili ko na may nararamdaman na ako para sa kanya. Hindi naman siguro masama iyon,hindi naman ako umaasang ganon din ang maramdaman niya para sa akin. Alam ko naman kung ano ako sa buhay niya.

Naniniwala akong mabuting tao si Wayne kahit hindi iyon ang gusto niyang ipakita sa mundo at sa mga tao sa paligid niya. Nakikita ko sa mga mata niya ang totoong siya. Inside, he was a lost little boy who wanted to feel loved. Sa tuwing titigan ko siya sa mga mata niya gustong kong sabihin sa kanya na hindi niya kailangan itago ang kahinaan niya, na malaya niyang ilabas sa akin ang totoong siya. Sana kaya kong sabihin sa kanya iyon.

Dahan-dahan akong naglakad papunta sa pinto ng terrace at binuksan iyon. Nakita ko siyang nakasilip sa malaking telescope sa harap niya, tinitignan ang mga bituin doon.

“Wayne.” Mahinang tawag ko.

Wayne’s POV

“Tanya, you have to look at this.” I tore my eyes from the telescope and faced her. I held my hand out, inviting her to look through it. She smiled and walked to the telescope. I adjusted stand to her eye level so she could peep through it. She was in front of me, standing in between my arms.

“Ang ganda.” She gasped like an amused little girl.

“Yeah…” I agreed as I looked at her face. Right in front of me was beauty in its purest form.

She removed her eyes from the telescope's eyepiece and turned her head to me, our face only inches apart. I saw the entire galaxy in her eyes. People look at me and think that I'm okay but when she looks at me I feel like she could see the darkest corner of my mind.

Maybe Axel was right, I was a whole different person when I’m with Tanya but I like who I become when I’m with her. I found my peace and sudden happiness beside her. I was captive to how she makes me feel and the way just being with her can induce temporary amnesia about the world outside. The rest of the world fades away when I look at her. It feels like there was only us, like we were inside a bubble. Inside the bubble, we didn’t need to speak, we have our own language. We speak with our hearts better than with our mind. Outside the bubble was everyone else.

I knew I had come undone the day I met her.

Somehow, I felt like I had fulfilled a part of me that seemed to be missing. She soothes the restlessness within me. She made me feel… whole. She was the only person who had made me feel complete and I knew she’s the only one who ever will. Most people would think they had found their soulmates. I know this would sound silly but I think I had found the other half of my soul. It felt like Tanya and I were one soul in two bodies. Maybe, somewhere in our past life we had accidentally seperated. She was a part of me that wandered off once but now we had found each other again.