Oceanus' POV

Habang nakahiga sa tapat niya, dumako ang aking mga mata sa mga kamay kong pinapalamig ng kanya. She held both my hands in between us, delicately, but with a grip strong enough that tells me how afraid she is to let go.

Muli kong tinignan ang natutulog niyang mukha. I have been wanting to move a stray strand from her face since she fell asleep. Pero hindi ko ito magawa. Dahil mabibitawan ko siya.

Why... Tumunton ang aking mga mata sa bawat palatandaan na nagdurusa siya— her deep tear stains. Her cracked lips. Her dark undereyes. Why would you ever think that I will let go of you?

I let go of her. But only to gently move the strand and wipe a forming tear.

"Oceanus..." she looked for me, eyes closed, voice softly pleading.

I let go of her hand, only so I could hold her face.

Magaang dumapo ang aking palad sa kanyang mukha. "I am here," bulong ko habang maingat na hinahagod ang kanyang pisngi. I will always be here. You do not have to look for me.

Binitawan niya ako upang takpan ang kanyang mga tenga. Yumuko ang kanyang ulo sabay namilipit ang kanyang noo. "N-No, No..." natatakot niyang tugon. "I'm sorry..."

"Your Highness," gabay ko sa kanya palabas ng kanyang bangungot. "It is not your fault."

It wasn't just the voices that haunted her. But also nightmares. And like a wound to my chest, my heart ached, at the thought of how, night and day, she must constantly win over herself. Pasan niya ang pinsala ng dalawang kahariang naglalaban habang mayroon ding digmaan na nagaganap sa kanyang kalooban— digmaang hindi naman niya kailangang iinda. Dahil wala siyang ginagawang masama. Wala siyang ginagawang mali.

Gently prying her hand away from her ear, a pained smile crossed my lips, as I suggested, "How about you dream of me?" Mahina kong itinawa ang pait na namuo sa aking lalamunan. "Hmm?"

Her face gradually softened. "Mmm..." She hummed back.

A quiet moment followed, of me sincerely wishing, that if only I could at least take control of her dreams, then maybe, I can lighten her load, and hold her heavy heart for her.

Kung may kapangyarihan akong burahin kahit lang 'yong mga bangungot niya, nang makapagpahinga siya nang maayos at nang magawa niyang takasan, kahit saglit lang, ang saklap ng kanyang realidad. Dahil hindi sapat ang salitang pagmamahal para pangalanan ang totoo kong nararamdaman para sa kanya.

Ito rin ang dahilan kung bakit hindi ko pa nasasabi sa kanyang mahal ko siya. Dahil pakiramdam ko'y hindi kayang pantayan ng mga salitang ibinibigkas lang ang gusto kong iparating— ipabatid sa kanya.

I need to show her. I want to show her what she really meant to me, since the day she saved me.

"Your Highness..." mahina kong sambit. "Am I your first love?"

It took her a while but her wispy lashes finally parted to give me a thoughtful glance.

Moonlight ignited the red of her eyes and the longer I stared at them, the deeper I spiraled into a sweet abyss— for red was the color of blood. Of life. Of sweet and warmth.

My blood. My life. My sweet and warmth,

"Am I?" she whispered back. "Yours?"

Sinamantala ko ang bawat segundong nakatitig kami sa isa't isa. "Yes." Then I laughed. "I think so."

She adjusted her head on the pillow, her eyes never leaving mine. "Why'd you ask me?" To my relief, she was back in her determined self. "Gusto mong magtagpo ulit tayo sa susunod nating mga buhay?"

"Yes." Fuck, yes. "I would like to meet you again..." Nginitian ko siya. "And again..." And kiss you. "And again..." And hold you. "All over again."

Pabiro niya akong pinaningkitan. "Why?"

"I personally think, Your Highness, that the reason why heaven does not exist after death is because it exists while we are alive," sagot ko. "And I..." My voice faded in the end. "I believe I am looking at it now."

Her eyes fluttered weakly before it widened. "O-Oceanus—" Tila hindi siya mapakali, kung paano niya maitago mula sa'kin ang pamumula ng kanyang magkabilang pisngi. Sa huli, hinatak niya ang sinasandalan niyang unan at— "Hmp—" Ibinaon rito ang kanyang mukha.

Napangiti ako, at nilubos ang reaksyon niyang ito, nang madali ko pa rin itong mahanap sa sobrang dami ng mga alaala ko.

"Your Highness—"

"Do not!" She interrupted, her voice muffled. "Do not say anything!"

"I am not—"

She screamed into the pillow to stop me. Sinubukan kong hawakan ang braso niyang nakayapos dito pero humigpit lang ito. Tumagal ang pag-iwas niyang ito, kaya nagawa kong pansinin ang nakaangat na dulo ng kanyang silk gown.

"I am not well!" sabi niya. "Do not talk to m—"

Her sentence ended the moment I gently held her waist, feeling the cold of night from the fabric. Nakatuon ako sa kanyang tagiliran kung saan dahan-dahan kong itinaas ang dulo ng kanyang damit.

Her leg twitched. Or was it a shiver I saw?

Nonetheless— pinagpatuloy ko ang paglantad ng kanyang buong hita... at beywang...

"O-Oceanus," she called, rubbing her legs against each other. "I-Itigil mo nga 'yan. Nakikiliti ako."

Sinalubong ko ang mga mata niyang muling nagpakita sa'kin. From her waist, my hand moved to hold the pillow that covered the rest of her face and I gently pushed it down, so I could cherish her every feature.

"Once everyone finds out what is wrong with me..." She said, breathy. "Everyone will leave me..." Niyakap niya ang unan sa kanyang dibdib. "Will you still stay?"

Matagal ko siyang tinitigan hindi dahil kinailangan ko pang pag-isipan 'yong sagot ko. I already knew the answer even before she asked. Nag-iisip lang ako ng mga paraan para maipaalam ko sa kanya na hindi na niya kailangang itanong ito. Na hindi na niya kailangang itiyak ang magiging sagot ko.

But perhaps... this was one of those moments that words could help.

"No one will find out what is wrong with you because there is nothing wrong with you," saad ko. "If you think you are broken, then that is because everyone is."

Bahagya siyang ngumuso. "Including you?"

Napangiti ako. "Including me."

"Sinasabi mo lang 'yan para pagaanin 'yong nararamdaman ko," aniya. "I may be weak, mentally, but I am not stupid. I know that there is something wrong with me."

"You were wronged," giit ko. "But there is nothing wrong with who you are."

A moment of silence.

"What if I don't know who I am?"

Another moment of silence.

"Then I will be here to tell you, to remind you."

A relieved smiled drew across her face. "So, you are staying? Kahit iiwan na ako ng lahat-lahat? Kahit iiwan ako ng sarili ko?"

It was hope in her eyes that answered my silent prayer.

"Mananatili pa rin ako," pangako ko. "Mananatili ako sa tabi mo, at paghahawakan kita, nang mas mahigpit sa mga huling sandali ng mundo, kung kailan nakatakdang masira ang lahat at wala nang makakaintindi sa'yo, Emma, mananatili pa rin ako."

I almost choked on my own words because I desperately wanted her to believe me.

Pagkatapos, nginitian niya ako nang mas malapad, mas masaya.

"Gusto ko ring magtagpo ulit tayo sa susunod na buhay," saad niya. "Sa bawat habang buhay."

•••

My head tilted at the king while I stood in a dark corner of his bedroom. Outside, rain started to fall, concealing whatever words he will want to say.

His resting, still breathing body dared me to come closer. Kaya't tahimik akong lumapit sa hugis ng kanyang anyo, sa mga anino, at panghuli akong tumayo sa kanyang tabi.

I did not unsheathe my sword, but rather, I held a dull knife in my hand that I plunged deep into his chest. Not straight to the heart. Just grazing it so he can feel a deep sting.

Hinatak ko ito. Tumalsik ang dugo sa aking mukha. Mabilis na dumilat ang kanyang mga mata. At sa pangalawang pagkakataon, sinaksak ko ang dibdib niya.

Wala naman niya itong kahirap-hirap na tinanggap.

Taking a break after the fourth stab, I wiped his blood off the blade using his sheets.

"H-Heir's Gua—" The king gurgled blood.

"Haven't you heard?" mahinahon kong tanong. "I am a Queen's Guard now."

Why a dull knife and not a sharp sword? Because I heard it hurts more. I cannot ask him how true it is though, as he is very much occupied of judging the pain. Sinadya ko ring saksakin siya sa mga bahaging ikasasakit niya muna bago ikamamatay.

"You are her father." Itinapat ko ang talim ng kutsilyo sa sinag ng buwan. "You are supposed to love her."

He coughed out more blood. "She is my daught—"

"She is mine," I countered. "And what is mine is no one's to hurt."

Ibinaba ko ang kutsilyo. "I thought about asking for your hand first, considering that I am going to marry her someday." Sinabunutan ko siya at hinatak ang kanyang ulo palapit sa'kin. "But I thought that asking for your head would be a better blessing."

His hands weakly grappled my arm that reached over his shoulder and while holding his head, I began to rub the dull blade against the further side of his neck. Unang namuo ang gasgas na lumalim at naging magaspang na hiwa.

The king screamed but the rain was louder. As if it really mattered. Pinatay ko rin naman kasi ang dalawa niyang bantay sa labas ng kwarto. I hesitated to kill them at first. They were just knights who were assigned in an unfortunate time. And so to compromise with my conscience, I used my sword to kill them both, quick and painless.

Patuloy kong nilaslas ang leeg ng hari gamit ang mapurol na kutsilyo, balewala ang hapdi ng kanyang mga kalmot. "O-Oceanus—"

"Stop moving." I steadied his shaking head. "I am counting how many slices can actually split apart a vampire's neck." Iniunat ko pa nga ang aking likod upang masilip ko ang likuran ng kanyang leeg. Hinatak ko ang kanyang ulo at nilinis ang pagkakaltas ng kanyang balat. "I am on my twentieth."

His scream loudened, roughened. Tears began to gather over his eyes that stared back at inevitable death.

"Thirtieth," sabi ko sa kalagitnaan ng kanyang iyak.

"Thirty-fifth." And the vein in his neck erupted, spouting blood.

On the thirty-sixth, I cut off his vein, making him unconscious, to my disappointment. Lumupaypay ang kanyang ulo pagkatapos kong bitawan ito. Kasunod kong ibinaba ang kutsilyo sa higaan at inilabas ko ang aking espada upang tuluyang paghiwalayin ang leeg ng hari.

I pulled my sword after it cut through a few inches of the mattress.

Then I smirked, at the king who lay dead, sinking.

Blood spread everywhere, even dripping to the floor. And I continued to stare at the body whose crown was its own separated head.

"Fifty years..." Gumaspang ang aking boses sa pinaghalong hinayang at galit. "For fifty years I fought. Survived. To become worthy as her guard."

Lumalim ang aking hininga, hindi makapaniwala sa kung anong naabutan ko pagkatapos akong naghirap para makasama ulit siya.

"Fifty fucking years. So I can be with her."

At nagsimulang gumilid ang aking mga luha, sa pagpipigil ko ng matinding puot dahil hindi sapat ang binigay kong parusa sa kanya. Dahil kahit anong gawin niya, kahit anong mangyari sa kanya, hindi nito matutumbasan ang ilang taong pagdurusa ng babaeng pinangako kong balikan, protektahan.

"And you give her to me broken—" I said with gritted teeth. "Shattered. Miserable. Haunted."

Tinapon ko ang aking espada sa kanyang katawan nang malaman ng makakatuklas sa kanya kung sino ang may kapakana.

"She is mine." Now that I am here. Now that I have killed him, I promised again, that— "What is mine, is no one else's to hurt."

Unti-unting umunat ang aking bibig nang makalasa ng pait.

"Mine," patapos kong saad.