I was breathless. Her words gave me  a spitting  headache. I had to stand up. She had to be lying. Blood on my face, I went into the bathroom and wet a wash cloth. She was behind me, tears in her eyes. I looked at her through the mirror. On her face was regret and remorse for hitting me.

I didn’t know how I felt about the bitch anymore. No one got saucy with me. I should grind my foot in her ass. Nah. She might like it too much. Bitch!

Mama never…wait a minute! Mama did hate him. But she never really met him. I never brought him around the house. And when we did see each other I had to sneak out the window.

“My Mom don’t know my baby Daddy, Red.”

“Yes she did.”

“Why do you say that?” I was wiping blood from my face, running warm water over the rag, wringing it out.

“He was killed during a drug deal.”

“I…I know. He was the only man I ever loved.”

“Same here. He was the only man I ever had.  He was selling crack to someone and the person was short of money. When he asked for all his money a gun was drawn and his life was taken, like it meant nothing.”

“And what does my Mama have to with this?”

“…Um…”

“Red, please. Just say it…”

She looked at me.  “Your Mama pulled the trigger.”

😳🤬🤬🤬😤

I looked at her for a long time before I did anything. She was trying to hug me. Pushing her away, I glared at her and said one thing, “I need some time alone. I’m going back to my apartment, and I will call you when I’m ready to talk or see you.”

I walked past her. “If I ever wanna see you again,” I went on, slamming the door behind me.

I locked myself in my apartment for days.  I couldn’t believe it!  I just couldn’t wrap my mind around it. I burned on the inside. I couldn’t eat or sleep. I cried so much, tears failed my eyes the way words failed my tongue. I tried reading the Bible to understand it all, but it was like I was reading empty pages.

Nothing registered.

I let my son stay with Red. For some reason I couldn’t separate him from his brother. No, we haven’t told them they were brothers yet. I didn’t know how to. I didn’t know what to say.

Why would Mama kill my man?  Why would she? Hadn’t she robbed me enough in my life? Hadn’t she allowed people to hurt me, shatter my soul, shit on my self-esteem?  When would this shit ever end?

I couldn’t live without my man. I loved him so much.  But did he love me?  He slept with Red in high school.  She looked dangerously different than she looked in school. I could have passed her on the street and not know she used to be sweet Lianna.

That chubby, sexy girl I wanted with a passion. They said be careful what you ask for...

I guess I got what I wanted.