Lukas

Groaning internally, my head feeling like it's being constantly stabbed, over and over and over again. Hangovers are so stupid. I hate them so much. Who allowed these to exist? I want to find them and continuously smack them over the head with a very heavy book. See how they like it. I lock eyes with Mathias. Wait- Mathias? Why the fuck is Mathias in my bed? My eyebrows furrow, and I glance around, trying to figure out why the super-hot Danish guy is in my bed with his arms around me. What I work out is that we are half naked, but that doesn't clear much up. Did we- did we really? "Fuck." Is all that exits my mouth. All my emotions summed up neatly into one curse word. Such a useful and effective word. "Fuck is right," Mathias mutters following it up with, "What exactly happened last night?" Great question, Mathias. Now I just need to work out the answer. Thinking hard, I try to recall the past evening's events. What I do know is that we start drinking, and later dancing together to the music. After that it's a blur. A big blurry mess. Finally, after minutes of hard thinking, it all comes rushing back.

"God, you're adorable, Lukas," Mathias looks up from his feet, holding me in a slow dance embrace. I just want to kiss him, hard on the mouth. My cheeks flush, even more than they had previously, thanks to the booze. I can't do this anymore. He's too attractive and amazing. I can't disguise my feelings for him any longer. And so... "You're so hot, Køhler," I move closer towards him, his adorable cornflower blue eyes widening. Bringing my lips to his, I love the exploding taste of booze, his lips are so great. So so great. Immediately regretting my decision, I pull away. Why did I think this was a good idea? His mouth is agape for a few seconds until he pulls me in again. He liked it. Mathias fucking Køhler liked kissing me and wants some more. I guess life does work out after all.

"I kissed you and then one thing lead to another and... here we are," I sigh, staring anywhere but his eyes. I'm too embarrassed for that. I should not have invited him. Lukas, you should have known that was a recipe for disaster. This cannot happen. He's a cop, I'm a member of a criminal organisation, it would never work. Why would he be interested in me? He deserves so much more.

Mathias Køhler, I wish I could be the person who gets to kiss you. Who loves you.

But I'm not.

And I never will be.

Because of my name. Because of my family.

It just... won't work.

Shakespeare said it well, 'What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet.' What I would give to not be a Bondevik. What I would do to be with him. I cannot leave this family though. I am doomed to always be reminded of my roots. Romeo and Juliet... Fitting. Though Mathias will never love me. Never. And if he did, what would happen then? Would it lead to our downfall like the Shakespearean protagonists? Or would it actually work? Unfortunately, I believe the former would be the correct path.

Because of my family.

It will never work.

Even if he did love me.

Never.

"That seems about right. Alcohol, huh," Mathias nudges my arm, attempting to take some of the seriousness away from the situation. To try remove the awkwardness. I love the guy, but it doesn't work. Still very much awkward. "I'm sorry about last night. I shouldn't have invited you. The whole thing was a bad idea." Might as well apologise. "Don't apologise," He tries to meet my eyes, his wide and blue. As always when I see the blueness of his eyes I feel calm for a second. Mathias Køhler, I wish you were aware of the effect you have on me. Are you aware? Probably not. But I wish you were.

I really don't want to continue this. You don't think I know how it's going to go? It will begin with a compliment and things will appear fine, on the surface. But deep underneath the iceberg is that one word you're dreading. The one word you know is coming after those compliments. And it will sting. No, not sting, it will hurt so goddamn much. The one word you don't want to hear: 'but'. Also known as, 'but I don't see you that way', 'but I'm not looking for a relationship right now', 'but you're just a friend', 'but I don't want a commitment right at this moment'. But. It also appears frequently in breakups, I'm sure you can think of examples. But – that dreadful word that everyone makes the mistake of overlooking until it hits you, right in the face. Your relationship (whether it be friendship, dating etc.) will be over and, in my case right now, perhaps over before it's even begun.

So, I want to save myself that. I don't want to hear that word. I want to leave before it happens, slip out while he's not looking. I want him to forget this ever happened, myself also. Forgetting will prevent me from getting my hopes up, from longing for his touch again, his lips, his embrace... I just want to forget... Unfortunately, the alcohol didn't wipe my memory enough. Though I don't think I could ever forget what it's like to kiss Mathias. It's an impossible feat. And I hate that. I pull away, out of his embrace, surprising him in the process. I can't stay. I can't risk hearing that word. Moving out the bed, I look for my clothes. There they are, discarded on the floor next to Mathias'. Picking them up, I hear rustling behind me, the sound of him sitting up. I've got to get out of here. "Lukas-" Mathias breathes, please, please don't say the word, "-Wait." He grabs my arm and spins me round to face him. My face feels wet, am I crying? This is a new low. God, he's so blissfully unaware of the effect he has on me. I wish I were like that. Biting his lip, his hand moves upwards and wipes the tears away. Stop making this harder on me.

Please. Just leave me alone, Mathias.

I want to grieve in peace.

Grieve over a relationship that never existed.

He's too good for me.

It would never work.

Just let me grieve, alone, far away from your beautiful face and kind smile.

I start to move my hand, my aim to push his away and run out of this room until he pulls me into a kiss. I- I- what? I- very mixed signals. What? I- What? Huh? His lips are pressed firmly against mine, like the two are locked in an embrace. Mathias' arm is snaked around my waist now, and I let him keep kissing. And I kiss back. And I hope that this is real. That he really wants to kiss me. We break apart for air and I finally gain enough confidence to look him square in the eyes. "I like you, Lukas, I really do." But... Surely there's got to be a 'but'. "I know the idea of us dating is a scary one due to our situation, but I think we should give it a try," he averts his gaze, a slight redness spreading across his cheeks. The 'but' is a positive? It's not what I thought it would be? "You want to date me? Out of all people?" Really? Me? "Ja, I really really like you, Lukas. Will you be my boyfriend?" Holy shit. He actually likes me. I can't believe this. Mathias asked me out. And- shit- I need to give an answer. "I'd love to, Køhler," A smile works its way across my features, he rolls his eyes at 'Køhler' but overall grins his signature Mathias grin. He kisses my cheek, an action I'm not very used to, but it's nice, "Just promise me one thing, Lukas." Oh God. I knew there was a catch. I knew it. I knew this was too good to be true.

"Promise me you won't break my heart. I've had too many people do that, it's why I took a break from romance about two years ago," He has a serious expression, something abnormal for him. The statement in itself sounds really melancholy. How many people have hurt Mathias? And how do I hunt them down and let them know how it feels? How do I make them play for hurting him? "I can't promise that I won't break your heart, Mathias," He frowns as I say this, "But I can promise that if we ever did break up, it would be for a genuine reason like we were fighting too much or something. I can't predict the future, but I will give this relationship every single bit of my energy and I hope you will too." I hope that came across alright. I don't want to worry him, but honesty is key. Especially in a relationship. I wrap my arms around him, pulling him into an embrace, breathing in the lingering smell of last night's booze. "And besides, this relationship could last forever. You never know. I'll be your Juliet if you be my Romeo," I make myself cringe on the accidental rhyme. Goddammit. I hate accidental rhymes. He locks eyes with me, seemingly unafraid, "Why didn't you pick Romeo?" Huh? "I mean, we're two queer guys and I'm pretty sure we don't imitate heterosexuality. I was just curious why you described yourself as Juliet."

"Because Romeo is actually the effeminate one, dumbass. Did you never study it? Also, you're more the romantic out of the two of us, hence Romeo," I retort. He was concerned about gender roles? God, I am laughing so hard internally. "I did study it," He wheezes into my shoulder, "Just was a long time ago. Didn't think you'd be into Shakespeare." I mean, Romeo and Juliet's ok, kind of overrated though. I prefer Othello, give me a really complex villain any day rather than two hormonal teens causing mayhem in the course of a few days and getting what? Six people killed? Bloody idiots if you ask me. "What did you think I'd be into?" Might as well find out. "I don't know, perhaps something dark and edgy?" He plants a kiss on my cheek. Dark and edgy? Really Køhler? Really? How much of an emo do you think I am? "Anyway. I'll be your Romeo, Lukas. Fitting to our situation huh? Forbidden love and all that," He smirks. I press his lips against mine again, wanting to kiss him once more. "Anyway, isn't it about time we get dressed?"

Mathias Køhler. I guess I do get to be the person who gets to kiss you. Who loves you, more than you could ever know.

I am.

And I will be for hopefully a long long time.

My name doesn't matter. Neither does my family.

It might just work.

And I hope it does.

We can find our way through this. We can make it work.

Because I love you. And you love me.

I love you, Mathias Jens Køhler. Maybe this is not how it's supposed to go.

But I'm ok with that.

***************

Yay! I got another chapter up!!!

I have another fic I really want to write, but I'm putting it on the backburner for now until I finish this one. That means I'll put all my efforts into this fic. I hope you like the result. And I hope you enjoyed this chapter!

As always, please let me know your thoughts in the comments! :)

Bye!

~Peanutsfan1