CHAPTER 31
We enter this deserted parking lot, and I'm genuinely confused by what we're doing here.
"You brought me to a parking lot?" I ask Lucas when he puts the car in park and immediately unbuckles his seatbelt.
"No, genius, I brought you to that," he says, pointing ahead, and my eyes land on this beautiful lighthouse. I swear, it looks straight off a postcard.
"No way," I whisper to myself. I've never seen one in person before. "Are we allowed inside?" I ask, and Lucas chuckles endearingly.
"That was cute. Sadly, no. I can get us pretty close, though."
He exits the car and makes his way to my side, opening the door for me. I get out and he walks to the trunk of his car, pulling out a blanket and a lantern.
"Sooo, you planned this, huh?" I ask him with my hands on my hips.
"Hoped," he corrects me. "I hoped for this." He folds the blanket over his arm and looks at me. "Follow me."
I want to. Boy, do I want to. But I can't, so I stay put.
"Lucas," I shake my head, releasing a breath. "I can't."
"Can't what, Lil? Sit on a beach?"
"No," I tell him, matter-of-factly. "Not with you."
"If this is about Ted-"
"Of course, it's about Teddy! I know that you may not be used to rejection, Lucas, but let me spell it out for you. I'm. Not. Doing. This. With. You."
"Okay, Lil," he says, taking strides in my direction. "I get it. I do. I'm not trying to disrespect my brother or your relationship with him. But I really, really can't go home right now."
"Why?" I ask.
"Don't worry about that," he tells me, but I shake my head and chuckle condescendingly.
"Then take me home," I assert, but he looks at me with perplexity. "I don't know what you expect from me, Lucas? You can't keep taking and not giving in return."
He dips his head down and huffs before slowly bringing his gaze back up. "Fine, you really want to know?"
"Yeah, I really want to know."
He looks around the vacant lot before answering, "I got into a fight with my dad."
"About what?"
"My future."
"Why?" I ask, breathlessly.
He exhales loudly and then says, "Let's just say that we have two different versions of where we see my life going. He wants me in the family business, and I want to establish myself on my own terms."
"Did you tell him that? I feel like your dad is the type to understand."
"Of course, I did. Why do you think we're fighting? I can't go home right now. And I'm sick of self-destructing my problems away. Please, Lil. Just stay with me for a little."
He doesn't say anything more, and I can see the struggle in his eyes, which is what gets me to stay with him. I never want to see Lucas struggle.
"Okay," I say, the word tumbling out of my mouth before I can even catch it.
"Okay?" he asks me like he wasn't expecting me to agree.
"Yeah. Okay."
Lucas splays out this frayed striped towel that almost looks like a mini rug onto the sand and then turns the lantern switch on, illuminating our faces. I've come to realize that, in any setting, Lucas will appear breathtaking. I swear, you could take his picture in the dark and he'd still come out beautiful.
He sits first, and I follow his motion, leaving a good amount of space between us.
"You can come closer," he chuckles, "I won't bite."
I look at him and gulp because I know that proximity isn't good for either one of us.
"I don't trust myself when I'm around you," I confess, and he looks at me intently.
"Yeah," he whispers and then pauses. It's like he's trying to decide in his mind whether he should show his vulnerability to me. And then he does. "I know the feeling."
We're crossing shaky waters, so I know that it's time for me to change the subject.
"So, why'd you bring me here?" I ask.
"Well, for starters...the view."
"It's something spectacular," I say as I soak it all in. "I like it here. I can hear myself think."
I watch Lucas's eyes watch me and it's unnerving, but also, if he were to ever take them off of me, I'd hate that, too.
"Which is what, huh? What kind of things does Lily Miller think about?"
"All kinds of stuff. I'm never not thinking. My job with your mom. College. Teddy." I notice Lucas look down when I say his brother's name. "My dad," I continue, "even though he doesn't deserve any kind of space in my mind."
"You know? You've never mentioned him."
"There's not much to say," I shrug. "I don't really know him. Never really did."
"I'm sorry," he says with so much remorse that you'd think it was his fault. "I can't even imagine what it's like growing up without a dad."
"It sucks. That's what it's like. But my mom...she's everything to me."
"What's she like?"
I shake my head, trying to find the right words that'll describe her justice. "Courageous. Warm. Selfless. She reminds me a lot of your mom, actually. Go-getters, but also the best caretakers."
"We're lucky, aren't we?"
"Yeah, we are," I nod with a smirk. "You know what else you're lucky for?" I reach for his hand, but I don't think that he was expecting the move based on his startled expression.
"What's that?" he asks, but his voice comes out a bit raspy.
"Having a dad who loves you. And cares so much about you that he just wants you to have the best future."
"I get that, Lil, I do. But I won't disregard my dreams for his."
"I'm not saying to. And I don't think he's asking you to, either. Get your point across to him but deliver it in the right way. Instead of being angry with him, be grateful that you have the opportunity to work for him; that you have a dad who sees your potential."
"I know," he says. "He's always had my back. Even with all my drinking and acting out. I know that it doesn't seem this way, but I do want to make my parents proud. Teddy's so good at it."
"I'm sure that you do and will. In your own way."
"Yeah, I guess." He chews on his lower lip as he plays with his fingers. "You know? My mom's so happy that Teddy got to you first. I think she knows that I'd just find a way to disappoint you in the end. Fuck things up."
A stinging sensation hits me and I don't know what's worse; the fact that Lucas thinks so little of himself or the fact that he believes that we could never be together.
"What makes you say that you would've?"
"C'mon, Lil, it's not a secret that I'm no saint when it comes to treating girls how they deserve to be treated. I think my mom knows that, too. She's actually seen my hookups leave the house bright and early in the mornings. Caught me in her greenhouse fooling around, too."
"Bridget caught you in her greenhouse with a girl?" I exclaim.
"Many, many times. With many, many different girls."
"And your bedroom wasn't an option because..."
"...because...there's something romantic about a greenhouse. Sets the vibe, you know?"
"The vibe for what? Kissing?"
He looks at me, then pauses. "And other things."
I gulp, staring at him as he intently looks back at me. His grayish-blue eyes pull me in and it's in this moment that I realize he has me under this spell. A spell that, up until now, I had refused to be placed under. Which makes me think: Why now? Why am I suddenly okay with allowing my guard to come down around him?
"What kind of things?" I finally ask, my tone cracking just a little. There's so much tension in the air; both physical and emotional. It's so strong that even the guard I've been trying to put up with Lucas can't withstand it. I know that Lucas feels it, too, because he swallows hard and keeps his gaze on me. It's the same gaze that's been on me for almost a minute now.
"I don't think your G-rated mind can handle it," he says.
"You know? Not that there's anything wrong with it, but I'm not as inexperienced as you think."
His eyes go wide and his jaw's now the one to drop "Uh," he clears his throat, "I'm sorry...what?"
"Forget it," I shake my head. I go to wrap my arms over my knees, but he clutches onto my hand.
"No. Tell me. What did you mean by that? Why aren't you as inexperienced as I think?"
"Not that it's really any of your business, but I have kissed guys before."
"Okay," he shakes his head, "and?"
"And what?"
"What else have you done?"
"What do you mean? I just told you."
"You said that you've kissed guys before." He looks at me blankly. "Is that all?"
"Well, yeah..."
He looks at me again and then suddenly bursts out into laughter. He drops his head down and holds the sides of his knees.
"What's so funny?" I ask, frustratingly.
"Nothing," he lies in between chuckles.
"Clearly, I'm missing something here." I wait for him to say more, but he's still laughing. And then it hits me. "Oh. I see. In your eyes, I'm inexperienced because I don't sleep around. You know, there's more to feelings than just sex, Lucas."
"I didn't say that there wasn't."
"But you're thinking it." I look at him, and his laughter finally dies down. "Have you ever been in love? Ever?"
He shakes his head, shuffling uncomfortably. "I'm not having this conversation."
"Guess that's a 'no'."
"What's so great about being in love, huh? You give your heart to someone just to have them leave you in the end and break it. Sorry, not interested. I'll pass. Rather do the no-strings-attached thing."
"Being in love doesn't always end in heartbreak. And even if it might, don't you think loving someone is worth the risk?"
He breathes out as his eyes take me in again. "No," he finally states, and even though his answer sounds so definitive, I see it in his features that a part of him doesn't believe that.
"Well, I do. Despite my dad leaving my mom when I was younger, I think loving someone is worth the risk."
His lips slowly transform into a smirk, and then he says, "I'll remember that, LilMillzzz. I'll remember that."
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