"Apollo!"

My mother was peering over me as she stroked my cheek. I rubbed my cheek against her hand as a faint smile appeared on her pale face. Her eyes were puffy and her dark circles made her face look sunken and tired. I could tell she had been crying. All I ever did was make her worry.

Some son I am.

I tilted my head to see the white walls around me and gripped the familiar quilted blanket. I bit my lip as I could feel my heartbeat through my throat and the tears welling up in my eyes.

"Mom, why am I here?" I cried. "I don't wanna be here.

"Mijo, I'm sorry. They said it would be best if you stayed here for a little while. Not too long, they just want to make sure you're okay. You might have a concussion, and-and they want to look into your fainting..."

"No! No, you let them take me here." I felt the tears run down my face and I turned away from her to stare at the big hospital windows. I wanted to leave this ugly place, but I'm afraid I'll be here for a couple of days. I'm sure mom has already told them about my past. They'll make me talk to a psychiatrist, and they'll tell me everything that's wrong with me, and I'm not ready for that.

"What am I supposed to do?" She pleaded. Her voice was almost a whisper.

I murmured, "Leave me alone." I didn't have to see her face to know that I had hurt her, but instead of getting angry, she just gently patted my head.

"I'll leave, but... Amory is waiting to see you. I let him come by, so-,"

"He can leave too," I said. "What am I gonna say to a kid I barely know?"

"He looked desperate to talk to you," she said.

"Don't say that."

"Why?" She asked. I turned to her and saw her serious gaze. I think she knew. I could never keep secrets from her, she knows them before I even do.

"I'm embarrassed," I said.

"He's a very nice boy. I didn't know you two were close," she said.

"We're not. He's just some guy."

"You look desperate too."

Thats how I knew she knew.

"He's the only person who doesn't know, or at least he doesn't ask. I like it that way; he makes me feel normal. "I said

"You have to show the people you love all sides of you, you can't just pick all the good. That's not how it works," she said, kissing my forehead.

Love? Was Amory that close to me that I could say I loved him? I cared about him, but love? Love was something between people who I kept close to me, people I never wanted to let go. Did I want to hold onto Amory? If I loved him, why did I want to push him away?

"Okay, let him in."

"You look good," Amory said. His hands were clasped in front of him, and he was standing uncomfortably straight. His sandy blonde hair was neatly combed back, and I could tell he was still very uncomfortable around me.

"You're not a good liar. I look like shit, I saw myself two seconds ago," I said.

"Maybe you look a little tired."

"Understatement. I haven't been able to fall asleep," I said, playing with the buttons on the TV remote.

"Why?"

"They wanted me to stay up just in case I had a concussion. I don't, but I haven't been able to fall asleep."

"Too much on your mind maybe?"

I glanced at him and nodded. Why was I so afraid of looking at him?

"Apollo, I've been thinking about you."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

"I'm sorry," I said.

"It's not bad. I just--ever since that night--I can't help but think you were trying to do more than just be friendly," he said, moving his hands to his back. I looked up at him and watched as he played with his lip. It was cute. The way he nervously furrowed his brows together and grazed his lips with his finger.

"Yeah, I'm sorry. I don't know why I did that. I scared you, and if you don't want to be friends with someone like me I'll understand. I'm kind of a mess, if you hadn't noticed," I said.

"Someone like you? I never said anything like that, and you're not a mess. Just maybe a little lost. That's okay; I am too."

There was a silence that swept over us, and I couldn't help feeling nauseous. He nudged my bed and glanced at the empty space at the end of my feet.

"Can I sit?" He asked.

I nodded and retracted my legs, my knees pressing against my chest as I tugged the blanket. He sat down, crossed his legs, and smiled at me when he saw that I had been watching the PBS channel.

"No other shows on?" He teased.

"I happen to like the PBS Kids channel, thank you very much."

"So, I asked Mei about homecoming. She said she would love to go with me, and then proceeded to show me some dresses. I didn't know I had a choice in the dress she wore," he said.

"You don't. She's just being nice."

"I thought so too. So, are you going?" He asked.

"No, I don't think so. I have some things I need to take care of, I don't think it's fair for that person if I ask them out."

"April? Isn't she your girlfriend?"

"No, I- I'm just going through some stuff. I don't want to take her down with me."

"That stuff you're going through, " he hesitated, "is that why you're still here?"

"Yeah, it's sort of related."

Amory nodded and stared down at his hands. I was afraid of telling him everything that was on my mind. He didn't have to know, so why should I tell him anything? Amory didn't need to know about Jackson. He never met him, he doesn't have to know.

"I know you won't say anything about it, but I know...I know about what happened last winter. I just thought that telling you would make you feel better," he said.

"What?" I murmured.

"You kept pushing me away, and I never knew why. It wasn't until someone on the soccer team told me about it..."

"So you know everything..."

"Apollo, I don't know anything. Just because some kids were talking doesn't mean anything! All I care about is what you tell me, but so far it's been nothing!"

I turned away from him and stared out the window.

"Umm, I think my mom's coming back, " I said, "You should go."

"She went off to the convenience store. She said she would be back in an hour."

"Still," I said.

"You don't have to tell me anything, but I don't want you to keep making me feel like I've done something wrong. I already--I already get enough of that at home, I just want you to be honest with me."

"You want me to be honest?" I turned back to look at him.

"Yeah," he said.

"Fine. I want you to leave," I said. I could sense that he was taken aback by the way he bit his lip trying to conceal his frown. He quickly stood up and grabbed his hoodie as he made his way towards the door without looking back. He paused at the entrance and then turned back to me with his brows furrowed together and a tight line formed along his lips.

"I didn't have to come here today. I didn't even want to because I was afraid of seeing you again, but I did. I mustered up the courage. Maybe you should do the same."

Amory left immediately afterwards. He didn't give me a chance to respond. It was probably better that way. I doubt I'll be seeing him anytime soon, and he'll probably go back to ignoring me. It's better this way.

"Don't you think it's better this way?" Lee asked.

"Why would this be better?" I asked, annoyed with his comment.

"Jackson looks like he belongs with those friends. You know, he looks comfortable. He doesn't have to pretend to like geeky stuff... Pretend to like us."

"He likes us. We're his friends, and besides, he only spends so much time with them because they're his teammates and his girlfriend hangs out with that crowd too," I said.

"I just don't want you to be too upset when he stops hanging around. It happens in high school. If you let go now, it won't be too hard on you later," Lee said, gazing out towards the soccer field.

"Why would I need to let go? He's not going anywhere, so quit talking like he's already left. He's still our friend."

"Right," he chuckled. "I forgot that you're the type of kid to hang on until the end because you're scared." He laughed, probably thinking about the tire swing we used to hang on to as kids.

I felt a hand shake my shoulder and glanced up to see my Dad with wide eyes.

"Dad," I said.

"Mijo, I've been standing here for minutes. You just noticed me?"

"Sorry, I was thinking. I'm too tired right now to function at all." He nodded and gave me a nervous smile.

"There was a young man who ran out of here, I'm assuming it was something you said?" He asked, sitting on the chair across from me. I shook my head and peered out the window. It wasn't important anymore. Dad shouldn't have to worry too much about me.

"No, he had the wrong room."

"Right," Dad said, nodding.

"Where's mom?" I asked

"She was just talking to him in the hallway." He said, gesturing towards the door.

"Amor—the stranger," I stammered.

"Yeah. He's a nice kid. It makes me wonder what you could've said to make him look so sad. You're probably right, though. He might have just been embarrassed about walking into the wrong room," he said.

"Forget it, Dad. It's a waste of time. I just told him to leave. I didn't want him to hang around anymore."

"Is he a new friend? I didn't know you could still make those," he teased.

" I didn't. He's not even a friend. He's just some kid I met this year. Besides, it's not a good idea to let anyone in right now."

"Well, I don't know about all that, but if you say so. Now, how was the solo gig?" He smiled. Dad always knew when I didn't want to talk, and I missed having him around. Amory was only a bump in the road. Why bother trying to sort out something pointless?

I wasn't going to make the same mistakes.

Letting go of him now would save me in the end.

I wish I had the sense to have done the same back then.