Amory and I hadn't spoken since the night of homecoming. After the kiss in the parking lot, he left, and he's been avoiding me since. It's not only me, but my friends too. He started hanging out more with his teammates and going out to parties. I only know this because of what I've heard.

It makes sense. I was a dick to him, and then made out with him because of my frustration. I wasn't even certain he was gay, but given that he didn't beat me up—not like he actually could—he might be. And I'm not even gay, so why did I even do that?

Actually, that's a lie. I knew why.

I've wanted to do that for a long time now.

I don't know why it's taken so long to admit that.

"Apollo, guess who's invited to Blake's Halloween party?" Mei said, smiling as she sat down next to Lee. Lee moved his lunch tray away from her so that she wouldn't pick at his food.

"You?" Lee said, uninterested.

"Nope. Us!" She said.

"Why?" I asked.

"Blake said that we could go...It's probably because Levi and him are friends, so we're cool by association."

"Yeah, no." I shook my head, moving my rice around the lunch tray.

"Come on,"She whined.

"Levi doesn't even talk to us anymore. Give it up, he's not our friend. Apollo, was a quick stop on the road of friendship." Lee said, scrunching his brows. "It's over now, so quit trying."

"Amory is our friend!" Mei exclaimed.

"No, he's not. He's found his crowd. Just give it up." Lee said, pointing his fork at her.

"What's up with you two?" Mei asked.

"Mei, There are no hard feelings. We're just not those types of people. Our group is a fearsome foursome, not a fivesome anymore. Stop trying to replace him. " Lee muttered. Mei shook her head, picked up her lunchbox, and dashed off.

"Lee..."

"What? She's been super annoying lately," he said.

"You're not gonna go talk to her?" I asked. Lee ignored me by continuing his math homework.

I trailed after her, peering down the hallways. I jolted to a stop once I heard sniffling coming from the girls' bathroom. I stood at the entrance with my ear pressed against the door. I looked down both ways of the corridor, ensuring that no one would catch me entering the girls' bathroom.

"Mei?" I whispered into the bathroom, peeking my head in.

"Go away," she said. I could tell by the rasp in her voice that she was crying.

I murmured, "Mei-Mei."

"A-Apollo," she stammered before she started to cry. "Why is he so mean to me?"

I walked into the bathroom, and there she was, sitting on the floor with her knees pressed against her chest. Her head was hidden between her knees as her hands fell to her sides. I sat down next to her, wrapping an arm around her as she continued crying.

"Lee hates me. He never wants to hang out anymore, and he always says things that make me feel like crap."

"He doesn't hate you, " I assured. "He's stressed out and even a little sad."

"Sad? Lee is emotionless. He's never cried, not even when Jackson died." Mei said, sniffling.

"You don't know that."

Mei raised her head and turned to me. "We used to be so close, but now it's like he's pushing me away," she said. "He didn't even want to go with me to homecoming, but he went with Susie? He made up some lame excuse, but he still went. And I didn't even say anything about it!"

"He made up an excuse? I thought he just said "no" to you."

"If he wanted to go with a girl he liked, he should have said so. He made me feel like shit. I don't even know why we're still friends." She said, resting her head on my shoulder.

"I can talk to him."

"No! He'll be more annoyed with me. Just leave it alone," she said.

"It's not a big deal."

"Apollo, please! I'm being dumb. I don't want him to ignore me," she said.

"Lee wouldn't do that."

"I know, but what if he does? I don't know him like I used to anymore. "

"Mei," I said, dejectedly.

"I miss how things were before. Like now—I feel like we're all just holding our breath. I'm afraid of what will happen when we decide to finally let it out."

"Me too," I agreed.

"Hey, Apollo."

"Yeah?"

"Thank you," she said, smiling.

"For what?"

"For being you. You've been through hell and back, and you still come through for us. Despite all the problems you're struggling with. Jack would have been proud," she said.

"Hey, you said something sad and you're not even crying, you're smiling!" I said.

"I know. It's getting better. It's true what they say about grief and all that stuff."

"What do you mean?"

"That grief comes in waves. Sometimes when I think about him, it's not only sadness. There's some happiness in those memories too. I can reminisce," she said. "But then there are some days when it hits, and it wants to knock me down. Some waves are harder than others, but I manage to get through them. It's like I'm learning to ride those waves instead of wiping out every single time."

I scoffed, "Every time you go to Cali, you come back talking about surfing."

"I'm a surfer girl. What can I say?" She chuckled. "What about you? How are you?"

"I don't know. I don't know how to feel anymore. Sometimes I feel..." I hesitated. Mei shouldn't worry about me. She's still going through a lot.

"You can tell me, Apollo. I won't tell anyone, promise."

I sighed, "Broken. Sometimes I feel broken."

Mei was silent before she grabbed my hand and kissed it.

"I understand that, but can I tell you a secret."

"What is it?"

"When I'm with you guys, I don't feel broken." She said. "You guys make me feel whole. With you guys, I'm just Mei. I like that feeling."

"Mei?"

"Yes?"

"Lee doesn't hate you. I just think he hates himself for the way he's feeling," I realized.

"Huh?"

"Don't worry too much," I said. "He loves you, promise."

"I trust your words," she said, smiling. "Let's get out of here before someone sees you."

......

April was trying to take a nap on my lap while we were sitting on the front lawn of the school campus. Her dark hair draped over the side of her face as she let out steady breaths. I stroked her hair as she let out a deep sigh. April is beautiful. I knew this. She was attractive to me at some point, and I knew this. Yet, I was also completely confused. Amory is...well, he's also good looking, I can admit that. And I am attracted to him, so what does that make me?

I stared down at April. She's been a part of my life for so long that she's in most of my memories. April is a big part of my life. She's taken most of my firsts. So why did I let her go? Why did I let go of something so simple, so black and white, for whatever all these emotions are?

Amory. My relationship with Amory wasn't black and white. I had no clue when it came to him and me. But what if these feelings I have for Amory don't mean anything? What if it's admiration, or what if I'm jealous?

"You look pensive," she sighed.

"Ignore me," I said. She glanced up at me and grinned. She doesn't deserve any of this.

"Hey look, Levi and Blake."

Blake heard April call their names, and he looked over towards us and waved. He approached us with Amory alongside, tapping his fingers on the strings of his duffle bag. His eyes glanced at April's head on my lap before he turned away to look at the people walking past us.

"Hey guys, are you coming to my party this weekend?" Blake asked.

"Yeah, Mei told us yesterday." April put up her thumbs and smiled.

"How about you, Apollo?" Blake asked. Amory's eyes shifted towards Blake in what I can only assume was a glare.

"No, I'll be busy this weekend."

"Well, you should stop by for a bit."

"Yeah, maybe," I said.

"Levi, you haven't been around for awhile. Forgotten us already?" She teased.

"I've been busy with a few things," he said.

"Well, we miss you. Right, Apollo?" She said, nudging me.

I glanced up at him and nodded, "Yeah..."

"He's a little shy right now. Believe me, he's been acting weird for so long, actually since homecoming," she said.

Amory's eyes widened as he heard those words, and I choked on air.

"Yeah, this one too," Blake said, putting his arm around Amory. I was fixated on his hand touching his arm, and felt something ugly rising inside me.

"Did Mei scare you that badly?" April laughed. "She's intense when it comes to things like that."

"No. Mei was really nice," Amory said.

"You were with Apollo for a bit, maybe he ruined your night," April teased. I stared down at the grass as I waited for his response.

"I have to go now. My dad is here," Amory said, walking away towards the black BMW that had pulled up.

"Oh. Bye, then," April said. Blake waved and sighed as he watched him enter his dad's car.

"His old man really doesn't like me," Blake said.

"Well, it's probably for the reason you're thinking," I muttered.

"Yeah, I got that vibe," he replied. " You did too, huh?"

I nodded, watching the car drive off.

"He looks sad. Is he okay, Blake?" April asked.

"I don't know. He's been really focused on soccer lately. He usually likes to goof around during practice, but it's been all serious for a few weeks now." Blake said.

"Check up on him," April said.

"Yeah, promise." He said. "I'll see you this weekend." Blake walked off towards the parking lot. How close were they now?

"So what did happen at homecoming?" April asked.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

She scoffed and raised her head from my lap. "At homecoming, you looked so out of it. I thought you might have smoked something," she said.

"You knew I didn't want to be there."

"Apollo, do you think I'm dumb?"

"What?" I asked.

"Do you think I don't know when you're behaving weird or when you're hiding something?" She said. I lifted myself from the ground and snatched my bag up, slinging it over my shoulder as I walked away.

"Say something to me!" She shouted.

I turned back and shook my head, shrugging my shoulders. "I'm leaving."

"I'm your friend," she said. "You can tell me anything. I won't...I won't resent you for anything."

"April, please just leave it alone."

She had hurriedly gathered her things and followed me all the way to my car, waiting for me to get inside. I ignored her and continued turning on the engine as she opened the passenger door. Stupid locks are broken.

She sank down into the seat, and deeply sighed. "Apollo, I know. I know about him," she said, calmly. "I saw you two."