I always wondered what happened after we died. I wondered if afterwards, we would be brought to the kingdom of Heaven or be met with the flames of Hell. That's what my grandmother would say. She was a big Catholic, and my mother took no part in it. Mom hated everything about it, so it nearly broke my grandmother when her own daughter confessed to being an atheist.

Really, it did. She had a heart attack. She didn't die then, but she would die years later on my mother's 34th birthday. I was fourteen. I guess that's when I started thinking about death again. I wondered if she had gone to heaven. I hoped she had, even if it meant that God was real and that my mother would go to Hell.

I didn't like that part. People who did bad things went to Hell. Not my mom, she's never done a bad thing in her life. So even if she was an atheist, she wouldn't go to Hell. Right? Mom tells me not to get too caught up in the semantics of it all, but I can't help it.

Mom thinks that once we die, it's over. We cease to exist, and there is nothing. I still can't wrap my head around that. Mom can be pretty morbid sometimes, but she likes to call herself a realist. But there were times when she would say the strangest things, like when her mother died, she was sitting in the backyard with my dad, staring off into the trees.

My father held her hand as she said, "Mami always liked to feed the birds. When I was little, she would send me out every morning to feed them our stale bread...Maybe she's a bird now. She loved those damn birds."I don't think Dad was paying much attention to what she said; he just sat there and nodded.

Dad, on the other hand, was agnostic. He couldn't tell me that my grandmother had gone to Heaven, or that she had gone to Hell. He couldn't really tell me where she was. He just didn't know.

So, given my choices, what did I believe?

Well, I don't know.

I guess a little of everything.

I wanted to believe that I'd see my grandma again, or that maybe we reincarnated into something we loved, or maybe I didn't know. All of those sound good, except for what Mom thought.

Everything except nothingness.

I don't want to know nothingness.

"That's bull! Apollo, tell Mei that she's wrong," April said, pulling me from my thoughts.

"Huh?"

April shook her head and kicked me off the bed. I groaned as I pulled myself up using the bed sheets. A lot of things seem to set her off lately, my absent-mindedness being one of them. It annoyed me sometimes, but I wasn't going to yell at her for it.

"See, he's doing it again," April said, crossing her arms.

"Where's your mind been?" Mei asked, nudging my leg. I don't know what she meant by that. I wonder what I was like before this.

"I'm just tired, and you guys haven't left me alone all weekend," I said.

"Apollo, your bedroom is so nicely furnished," Mei whined.

"And clean!" April said. "Besides, is it wrong for me to want to see my friend?"

It was taking some time to get used to being just friends. Specifically for April. We had broken up a couple of months prior, and in all honesty, it's weird to be friends with your ex. At least it is for me. It's not bad or anything, but I just feel guilty knowing I hurt her. I also feel bad that she doesn't really have many friends outside our group, but that's not really her choice.

I sighed and shook my head. April shifted uncomfortably as she rubbed her arms and suddenly cleared her throat.

"We should get back home," April said, sensing my irritation. Mei groaned and accepted as she rolled herself off the bed.

"Bye AP," Mei shouted as she left the bedroom. April silently stood beside my dresser with her arms crossed timidly chewing on her bottom lip.

"Yes, sunshine?" I teased.

"Talk to me," she said, looking down at the foot of the bed. I sluggishly sat up and picked her hand up, giving it a small squeeze. Usually that sort of gesture makes her smile, but she looked even more worried.

"What do you mean? Are you okay?" I asked. She shook her head and swiped her hand away. She let out an exasperated chuckle.

"Are you? You've been so quiet and... I don't know... secretive, " she said, as she gestured towards me.

I shook my head, "I'm just tired. Don't think about it too much," I said.

April stared at our hands and nodded, then swiftly leaned down to kiss my lips, and before I could say anything, she had disappeared behind the door. I let her get away with that sort of stuff because April was undoubtedly one of my closest friends. I didn't want to make her any more stressed, and I didn't want her to be sad. Breaking up was the best thing for both of us, but I don't think she saw it that way. Letting her kiss me might be leading her on, but I think telling her it makes me uncomfortable will make things worse. I rested my head back on the pillow and picked up the book sitting on my night stand.

Suddenly, there was a knock at the door. I sighed and set it back down, sauntering towards the door. My mom held out a pack of pens and pencils for me to receive.

"Mom, you can open the door. You don't need to wait for me to open it," I said as I took the pencils from her hands.

"I just thought you and April were—"

"We broke up, remember?" I said.

"Right..." she said. Mom also thought it was weird that we still hung out. "Well, I need you to have your suitcase packed. I'm not going to wait for you all morning to get packed."

"Yes Ma'am."

"Clean socks, and underwear!" She said as she walked back into the hallway.

"Why would I pack dirty ones?" I muttered as I closed the door.

"You're lazy!" She replied. Mom was always playful, and most of the time she didn't like to do the whole parenting thing. It was awkward for her, even after having two kids. She was pregnant right out of high school with my older brother and didn't have the choice to decide if motherhood was meant for her. She was very bad at disciplining, so she left that part to Dad; he never fell short on discipline. I'm also unsure if Mom liked having boys. I know we were supposed to have a little sister, but that never ended up happening. She never tried for another after her miscarriage. I think it scared her.

But I wouldn't know.

She never said anything, and I never asked.

......

"Hey man," Lee said. He had his bag slung across one shoulder and some DVDs in his hand.

"Hey, long time no see!" I smiled at him and opened the door wider.

"Yeah, I was wondering if you're up for some movie watching? I have some Studio Ghibli films that I just bought...uhm...October Sky, Stand By Me—,"

"No, yeah, whatever, it's all cool. Come in," I said.

He nodded and set his backpack down on my desk.

"So, how was your summer? How was the camp?" I asked him.

"Fine. Not very eventful," he answered. I could tell Lee had also changed a bit. In the time he was gone, it seemed like he had more time to think about things, like we all had. This summer we had hardly seen each other. It's like we had been distracted the whole time, mostly by choice. April's family had taken her to the Netherlands to see her grandparents, and Mei had also spent the summer visiting family in California. Lee had been away from us the longest, and had no time to call us, at least that's what he said.

Between the two of us, we hadn't spoken much about what happened in February.

"You know, we haven't really talked about it," I said. There was a brief silence before Lee shrugged.

"I'm fine," he said.

"Yeah—I know...I just...sometimes April and Mei get sad," I said. I awkwardly fiddled with the hem of my shirt. I never knew how to comfort Lee. He never really needed it.

"April and Mei are emotional all the time," he said. "I wish they would stop."

"Lee, come on—"

"It's been months. What's the use in crying over something that's already happened? " he said. I stared at him and nodded. Lee had a strange way of coping, but I wasn't going to tell him he should cry. I haven't done that either.

"Let's just watch the movie. I want to relax before we go back to school. Just give me that before we have to endure next month's hell."

He laid back on my small mattress and sighed as the previews began. I sat next to him and watched. Things weren't always like this, but I can't help feeling it's going to stay this way forever. As if time will just continue to drag on.

Lee will still be doing his school work, studying days on end and forgetting to eat. April will still be upset with me, but never express it. Mei will still be sad, but pretend that she's happy. Mom will still worry about me and live with the fear that someday her son might also become nothing. Dad will worry about me, but in a different way than Mom. Actually, Dad might hate me, and maybe that will be the day my world actually stops.

Lee nudged my stomach and waved his hand in front of my face before turning his attention towards the door.

"Dude, your mom is trying to say something."

She was standing at the door, as she held her phone to her chest. I nodded and waited for her response.

"I just-," she let out a nervous laugh before she waved her hand away and left.

"Your mom looked really stressed," Lee said.

"Did she?"

Lee stared at me blankly before turning his head to glance out the window.

"Who cut the rope to the tire swing?" He asked.

"I don't know...It snapped." I said as I bit the ends of my nails.

"I'm gonna miss that thing. It's been around since we were kids." Lee continued to stare out the window before suddenly turning to face me.

"Did you really not hear your mom calling your name? She said it like four times before I hit you," he said. I flinched as he grabbed my wrist and pushed my hand away from my mouth.

"Yeah, no. I was too into the movie," I said. He nodded reluctantly, and turned his attention back to the screen. He slowly opened his laptop back up to press play.

I'm still waiting for the day it all stops, but I'm starting to think that even if I scream for it all to stop, the world will just ignore me.