"Is this allowed?" Lee whispered, crossing his arms as we walked through the cemetery. Mei rolled her eyes and nodded pointing at the people replacing the flowers on a headstone.

"Dummy, people visit people here all the time."

"Yeah, but people think groups of teenagers are trying to conjure up demons or something," Lee stated.

"Who says we're not," April said, smirking.

"April, don't act like you're not afraid of a Oujia board." Lee rolled his eyes.

"Another day then," April said. Lee playfully pushed her shoulder and followed behind her, explaining how one of his favorite horror films starts out in a cemetery. I think it's his way of making himself feel comfortable in this place.

It's just a sea of headstones.

Some are new and clean with fresh flowers placed beside them. While others have been overtaken by the moss, and weathered down by the elements making them illegible. There's a calmness to this place, a type of quiet that makes me believe everyone here really is resting.

But I can't stop myself from staring at those old, unkempt headstones.

Forgotten.

Like the loved ones of those buried under those headstones forgot about them, or maybe they weren't here anymore either. So there was no one left to take care of their resting place. No family left to remember them.

I thought about my grandmother, her mausoleum in Mexico isn't nearly as sad as the headstones here. It's bright, colorful, and full of life. Packed with flowers that my aunts, uncles and cousins always replace. The same flowers that they bring to other family members and friends that rest in their land. My Abuela used to say that there was no real separation between the dead and the living.

I think Dr. Gonzales tried to say that to me too.

I think that's one thing I hate about these types of cemeteries. It's not a reflection of life at all. It's dull and dark. In this place, I can't help but feel like the living and the dead are separated.

Mei suddenly stopped. Her attention focused on the gray headstone that read:

Jackson Asher

Beloved son and friend

The flowers that were left on the stone had wilted. Blake picked them up and replaced them with a new bouquet of white roses. Lee glanced at me, I think he could feel my nerves, and how strange it was for us to all be here.

Suddenly, we heard laughter from the distance. High pitched giggles and screams from across the street.

"There's a school across the street," Amory said, smiling.

"Yeah that's our old middle school," Lee said. "It's creepy."

"It's cool," Amory said. His gaze was stuck on the two boys running up and down the field, chasing each other in circles.

"Okay, who's starting?" Mei said, sitting down. We all followed and sat in a circle leaving Jackson's gravestone in the center, making sure to leave an empty space.

Blake pulled out his paper.

"I can go," he said. "It's not super long."

Blake cleared his throat and glanced at us before staring down at his paper. It looked like something ripped straight out of his notebook. He was right, it wasn't long at all. From the back I could see half a page with scribbles and hard lines blacking out words and sentences.

He began, "I miss you. That's all I think about when I'm reminded of you. I didn't know I could miss anyone as much as I miss you. I wish things didn't happen the way they did, and that you could be with us. I still haven't deleted your number off my phone, even though when you call it, it's dead on the other line. I don't know, maybe I still think you'll pick up." Blake paused, and released a deep sigh before continuing.

"I don't think it's crazy to think that. It's a little sad, but this whole thing is. Uhm..." his voice hiked up. Almost like he was trying to hold something down. "Your friends are cool, I can see why you talked about them so much. April's got that don't mess with me attitude just like you, Mei's really kind and welcoming like you, Lee's really funny when he wants to be, and Apollo—"

A small smile crept onto his lips. "Apollo's just like you. It just takes some time to crack open his shell. Thank you for bringing them to me, it feels like you're still here when I'm with them. Uhm...I miss you buddy."

Mei leaped from her spot and hugged Blake, stretching out the back of his t-shirt with her tight grip. Blake wiped the tears from his eyes and patted her back gently and chuckled.

"I liked it," April said. "We like you too, by the way." Blake smiled and hung his head trying to hide his face from embarrassment.

April turned to Lee and shrugged. "Who's next?"

Lee held his letter in one hand, tightly gripping onto it like he was afraid someone was going to snatch it from him.

I raised my hand. "I'll read mine," I said.

Amory smiled and nodded, pushing his blond curls away from his face. "Go ahead, Apollo."

I cleared my throat, that strange tight feeling was growing and I needed to get through this fast before I changed my mind.

"I don't like to think about you." I paused to let out a shaky breath. "It makes my head hurt—like both sides don't know what to do. It's like they're at war with each other. A part of me misses you, and another part—another part of me is angry at you. But I feel guilty because you're not even here to defend yourself. What if I knew why? What if I knew all the reasons why you did it? Would I understand? Could I change your mind?

They're stupid questions, and they don't have an answer. So, I'll just keep thinking the same things, and maybe I won't be so mad anymore, but I'll still always miss you. I don't think that will ever change. I hope you miss us. I hope you feel something."

I paused, gripping at my paper that was shaking in my hands. I didn't realize how upset I was. I was practically trembling.

I continued,

"I guess that's the worst part of it all.

I don't know.

I don't know if I'll ever meet you again.

I don't know where you are.

I think that's when I wish I believed in something. 'Cause I don't know where you went. I don't know if I'll ever be able to speak to you again, or if I'll ever see you again, and that kills me. "

I dropped the paper, unable to finish reading the letter in my hands. I covered my eyes with my arm letting the breath that's been fighting its way to escape, and began sobbing to the point I couldn't hear my friends. But I felt Amory's hand, and he took my wrist and pulled my arm back. He had tears in his eyes, and his lips were in a small upward curve. He pulled me into a tight hug, and everyone followed behind him, huddled together.

Even if Jackson was gone, everything he left behind was still here. Traces of him followed us everywhere, and if I think about it like that, then my mom had a point. That feeling I carry around is what he left me. Even though it hurts, it's the price to pay for something so beautiful.

So I'll carry it for us.

Because if I do, how could it ever feel like we're apart?

I've been told that this feeling is normal. That it's important, but I don't think they understands that sometimes I'm so tired.

I get it now.

It really is tiring, pretending everything's okay on the outside while inside it's anything but okay. Sometimes I wish someone could reach in and clean it all out.

Have it taken all away.

I get it.

Sometimes it's lonely.

But it will get better.

I'll keep saying it until I actually feel it.

I wish you could have done the same. Even if it could have given you one more day.

One more day to keep going.

I have a lot more to say, but I'm saving it for our next time.

I'll see you later, Jackson.

Yours,

Apollo