Song: 'Awake My Soul' - Mumford & Sons

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It is late afternoon and the beach is almost deserted. The cries of scavenging seagulls can be heard circling overhead looking for scraps left from picnics of families now long gone.

Although it is mid-October, we are almost experiencing an Indian summer.  The day has been bright and surprisingly warm.  I love the sound and smell of the sea; calm with small waves that gently swish in then roll out again. The rhythm has such a comforting sway to it.

Rows of identical beach huts, all freshly painted at the beginning of the season, their uniform colour pattern of cream, pale blue and olive, stretch along the sand as far as the eye can see. They are now shut up, standing in wait for the change of season and the battering winter weather to come. 

As we stroll past the huts one set of doors are open.  A little string of hearts hangs across the opening and sways in the light breeze; each heart contains a different letter that spells 'Beside the Seaside'.  An elderly couple sits side by side in the shelter of their hut, both in recliner chairs with blankets spread over their legs.  Empty mugs and an open packet of biscuits rest on a small crumb covered table between them.  She is reading a novel and he, today's newspaper. I notice they hold hands in their silent pursuits. The lady has silver grey hair and the bluest eyes and glances up as we pass by bidding us 'good day' and smiling.

Further along on the sand, a father and his two young sons are flying a diamond shaped multi-coloured kite.  Its red-ribbon tail makes squiggle patterns across the sky as the kite dances from side to side and flaps in the breeze.  The older boy holds tightly to the strings whilst his Dad stands behind him leaning over and guiding his hands so the kite won't nose dive to the ground. The younger son is tugging at his father's sleeve desperate for his turn to fly the kite. I smile at the little boy and he hides shyly behind his dad's legs peeking out at me.

"Children are so special, they see everything so innocently before growing up to the reality of the world."  I state my inner thoughts out loud and at my words Harry puts his arm around my shoulders and squeezes me tightly against him.  "Do you want to be a dad?" I question him openly.

Without hesitation he answers.  "Yeah!  I'd love to be a dad if I'm blessed enough to have kids. What about you?"

"Yes absolutely, I'd love to have children."  I answer honestly

He smiles lovingly at me and entwines his fingers through mine.

We find a secluded spot in between a break in the beach huts.  Harry and I settle on a tartan blanket with our backs resting against the sea wall. The sun is still relatively high in the sky and this, along with the warm breeze, sweeps my hair across my face and a feeling of contentment with it.

"I met Dan just before I was 17, he was 19."

Although my eyes are closed and hidden behind sunglasses, I sense Harry glance across to me. His hand takes hold of mine and he places them his lap. I am ready to tell him and I hope he is ready to listen. We sit in silence for a few moments. This cannot be rushed, I need to tell him in my own words and in my own time but it is going to be difficult for me to say and difficult for him to hear. Harry's thumb gently rubs reassuring circles over my mine.

"Are you sure, sure you are ready to hear this?" I suddenly doubt myself.

"Yes but I don't want you to feel pressured to tell me if you're not ready, I know it's hard for you." He pulls my hand up to his lips and plants a small kiss on my fingers.

"It's okay.  I need to do this for me, for you, for us, for us to be able to move on. Bit like therapy."

"Natasha, I'm listening but if it gets too much though you must stop." He squeezes my hand reassuringly.

I begin again.  "I met Dan just before I turned 17 and he was 19.  We both attended Cheshire College where we were studying different courses.  There was a big group of us that hung out at college and he was part of that group. My best friend from school, Kelly Jones, introduced us."

Harry is aware of who Kelly is. She took a shine to him at school, they started dating but she soon dumped Harry when he refused to sleep with her. He shifts uneasily on the blanket.

"I was different from the majority of the girls in the group.  I did not have confidence in abundance and was quite a plain Jane.  I was certainly not Dan's usual type so was surprised and very flattered when he asked me out.  We went to the cinema. It was an okay night.  He talked about himself lots but he made me laugh which is something I had not done much since the death of Mum the previous year."

"I was not in a good place.  My Dad decided to spend the summer in Spain with my Aunt and I was sad and looking for anything that could take my mind off the fact that I felt so utterly alone.  The group and Dan filled that void. I felt part of something. I felt like I belonged."

"Dan was an aspiring DJ and did gigs on Wednesdays and Fridays in various clubs around the area.  I began to tag along and initially it was fun, being right in the middle of it all.  I got to dance and drink and forget all my insecurities along with the fact I was meeting lots of new and interesting people.  I was happy.

I had only been with Dan for a few weeks when he said he wanted us to have sex.  I had no idea if he suspected that I was a virgin but I did not say and he did not bother to ask.  We were both drunk from a club night and I just went along with it.  Stupidly, I would do anything to please him but it was a horrible first experience. He basically stripped below the waist, told me to do the same then had sex with me and rolled over and went to sleep. There was no intimacy, no kisses, no cuddles, no nothing. He just hurt me but was too drunk to realise."

I stop talking just remembering that first time with Dan and how used I felt and then remembering my first time at the Loch Cottage under the stars with Harry and how completely different it was. How loved and secure I felt. My mind wanders for a few minutes before I realise I have stopped talking and I shake my head to bring myself back and refocus. Harry remains silently attentive, his hand still protectively holding mine.

"I remember I sat on the floor in his bathroom and phoned Kelly. She told me I should be glad to have the attention of someone like him, there were plenty of girls that would kill to be me. She said that I should just get on with it, that life isn't hearts and flowers. Having sobered up, I cried that night so disappointed in myself that I'd given myself away so easily and my dreams of how I thought it would be were shattered."  Tears pool in my eyes at the disappointment in myself but I hold them back and carry on. 

"Anyway, after that he wanted sex every time we saw each other. I would lie there whilst he got his rocks off and then he would roll over and go to sleep.  I quickly began to notice a shift in him.  He became more demanding and sometimes controlling.  During sex he was rough and often left marks on my body.  On one of the gig nights he produced a bag with clothes inside.  He tried to disguise the short skirt, midriff top and high heels as a gift.  I thanked him but said they were not really my style.  That's when his whole persona changed.  He grabbed my arm tightly and told me to be good girl and not upset him.  That was the very first time I felt scared of him.  At that moment, I knew in my head that I should leave him but in my heart all my friends were in the group.  If I left, I would have no one again and I could not face the prospect of the loneliness."

"One night he was more than drunk.  Looking back I suspected he might have taken something in the club as he was all over the place. He said he had no condoms. For all his failings, he never had unprotected sex, well not with me anyway. At the time when I was blinded by naivety, I stupidly believed we were exclusive. In fact, that could have not been further from the truth. He said I would have to satisfy him another way and when I took him in my hand he said that's not really what he had in mind. I said I felt uncomfortable and not ready to do what he was requesting but he wasn't taking no for an answer."

I stop talking unable to carry on. My head drops onto my chest trying to fight back my tears as I can see the images of that experience in my head playing over and over.

"Natasha, come here." Harry tries to pull me to him but I raise my hand up to stop him.

"No, I need to carry on. He grabbed hold of my ponytail with one hand and twisted it around his hand. He held it so tightly I thought my hair was going to rip out of my scalp. He forced me onto him and held me there. I tried to pull away but he just scathingly stated that his girl always finished her job properly."

Tears are properly falling now as I tear my hand from Harry's and put my head in my hands. My cheeks are burning and my voice shaky.

"I barely ate for a week after that and every time I thought about it I felt sick. I hated myself. Afterwards I decided that I wasn't going to see him anymore, I couldn't stand it. I was worth more than that and better off alone. Of course, he came crawling back with an apology. He said he was sorry, that he was drunk and it wouldn't happen again. I was so weak and I believed him."

My anger and disdain mix with my tears. I pause and Harry takes my hand and sandwiches it between both of his which calms me down a little bit.

"Things were a bit better for about a month. He got a new gig in town and was happy. Sex was still the same but I was just numb to it by then.  One Wednesday, the owner of the venue pulled Dan to one side and said that this was going to be his last regular gig for a while. It was nothing personal but the club had decided that live music was where it was at so they were giving their DJs a rest mid-week for a few months in favour of more live bands."

"Dan was furious at loosing the gig and the money it brought in. I think he took drugs that night but I couldn't be sure. He seemed to be out of it more and more on our nights out. When we got back to his that night he was so frustrated about everything and trashed the living room of his flat.  He had such an angry look in his eyes and was so out of control that it scared me. I tried to calm him and in the crossfire of his throwing rage, he caught my cheek with the back of his hand. I kept trying to tell myself it was just an accident, although he never once apologised for hurting me."

"That same week, he did a gig at his usual venue.  I went to the bar to get drinks and as I knew all the staff, I spoke to the barman for quite some time. When I returned, Dan was annoyed and wouldn't speak to me.  He accused me of flirting with the guy. He was so angry with me. Then, the owner would only pay him half his money because he said the set wasn't good enough and if he didn't smarten up his slot he'd lose it."

"We arrived at his flat and he was so furious. He shouted at me and said he blamed me.  It was my entire fault his set was shit because he was distracted looking at me flirting with the barman. For a change, I argued back at him but that made him even madder. I said that I didn't have to put up with his behaviour anymore and we were over."

"I remember, I went out into the hallway to get my bag and he just hurled abusive language at me. When I returned to give him his keys, he looked at me with a look of sheer disgust in his eyes. His pupils were completely black and anger was laced through his body. I remember I quickly put the keys on the table and said I was leaving. When I turned to walk out he was suddenly behind me.  He grabbed me but I fought back and in the melee I punched him across the face. He retaliated and slammed me hard up against the wall. His hand was around my throat. He said I owed him for losing half his set money and he was going to teach me a lesson. In that moment, I was absolutely terrified."