As I open my eyes and I am laid out on my sofa, a blanket over my legs and pillow cushioning my heavy head.  My lips feel dry pulling the sensation down through my arid mouth and into my raw throat.  My head pounds and I feel a permanent frown etched across my forehead. 

I attempt to lift my hand to rub my temple and I realise another hand is entwined with mine.  My head rolls to the side to see Harry sitting on the floor next to the sofa.

He looks comfortingly relieved as the corners of his mouth turn up in a half smile.  "Welcome back, how are you feeling?" His words are soft as his thumb rubs soothing circles over the back of my hand.    

Then it all comes flooding back to me.  The panic attack.  I try to join words together but nothing comes out of my dry mouth.  He immediately rises to his feet, untangling his fingers gently from mine.

"I'll get you some water."

He ventures towards the kitchen, returning quickly with a glass of the cool clear liquid.  He places it down on the coffee table and resumes his position on the floor.  Surprisingly, he takes my hand back in his and commences rubbing the soothing circles again.

"Jesus Natasha, I was so scared," he says quickly, shaking his head looking at me so worried.

I release my hand from his and sit up.  The sudden action rushes too much blood to my head and I flop against the back of the sofa for support.

"Woah, go carefully, don't do too much too soon."  He jumps up and sits down beside me on the sofa and grabs the glass.  "Here drink some water."

I gratefully take the glass out of his hand into my shaking one but it spills all over the side onto the blanket below. 

He takes it back out of my grasp and holds it to my lips to help me. The cool water feels so refreshing as it slides down, lubricating my throat.  His movements are reassuring and I cup my hand over his to steady the glass at my lips.  He places the water back down on the table.

"I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to scare you." His words are racked with guilt. 

"It's ok, it happens, well not for a while but it happens." I try to shrug it off to ease his tension.  

"No it was entirely my fault I shouldn't have said what I did, I wasn't thinking, I didn't mean it." He shakes his head in frustration. 

"Look I overreacted I'm sorry you had to see that."

"Natasha no, thank god I was here."

"Yeah thanks so much.  I usually work myself through it but thanks for helping me." I say sincerely.

Suddenly his phone vibrates and he picks it up, glances at it and places it back down on the arm of the sofa.

"Listen, I'm all ok now, you go if you want." I shuffle forward so I am perched on the edge of the sofa.

"Do you want me to go? He sounds surprised as his hand meets my shoulder to stop me in my tracks.  I close my eyes as his fingers squeeze into my skin.    

"You're going back to London tonight aren't you, you need to pack and stuff." I shrug my shoulders. 

"Do you want me to go?" He repeats the question placing more emphasis on the words.

"I'm sure you've probably got places to be, people to say goodbye to."

"Natasha. Do. You. Want. Me. To. Go?" His tone is now questiongly forceful.

I hesitate and look across the room towards the door. 

"Natasha, just answer the question," his hand rub circles on my back. "I've got nowhere to be, no one to see, I will stay as long as you want me to, if you want me to."

"Do you want to stay?" I ask him unsure.

"Why do you do that?" his tone is calmly frustrated.

"Do what?" I ask puzzled.

"Turn the conversation around on me.  Yes, ok, I do want to stay with you." He answers as though that should be blatantly obvious to me.

"Why?"

"To make sure you are ok and just because I want to. What I said earlier hasn't changed." 

Silence stretches between us. 

Why can't I say it, why can I never say it, never express what I want.  He was right earlier, I am forever fighting my feelings.  My stare continues towards the door.   

Suddenly the sofa lurches and he's on his feet.  "I'm going to get off then," he huffs very lightly under his breath but I catch it.

"Thanks for being here with me, helping me, I really appreciate it and for the lovely evening last night."

"No problem, I'll see myself out, bye Natasha." He has the demeanor of defeat about his whole being.

He strides towards the door but pauses, resting his hand on the doorframe but not turning around.  Conflicting emotions are racing around my mind egging me on to say it but my well-trained guard has its shield up stopping those emotions getting through. 

My mouth feels like it's glued together.  I am completely torn, my body and mind being tugged this way and that in confusion.

He steps into the hallway and out of my sight then I catch the click of his boots on the wooden floor.  After three clicks it hits me that he's walking away from me.  I am up off the sofa and at the door watching his back move further down the hallway.

"Wait!"

He stops in his tracks and turns around.  He is still waiting for me to say it.  I am hesitating, my heart thumping in my chest.  I close my eyes saying over and over to myself just say it Natasha, this once let go and say what you want. 

His boots make two more clicks on the floor as he steps backwards towards the door.

I am still hesitant my hands waving in the air in frustration trying to say what my mouth can't. 

Two more clicks, his hand reaches for the latch on the door as I hear it click.  I screw my eyes up really tight and prize my lips apart.

"Why are you doing this to me Harry?" gasps out of my mouth pleadingly.

He stands totally still, carefully watching my personal struggle unfolding in front of him.  "Because I need to know how you feel." He replies gently. 

I shake my head, open my mouth but nothing comes out.  I feel myself breaking inside.  Say it Natasha, just say it, tell him before he leaves.  I hear the door open and his stare leaves mine as he turns to step outside.

"I want you to stay" flies out my mouth hurtling towards him.  He turns around to face me as my whole face crumples into a huge mess as tears spill down my cheeks.  He stands there looking at me utterly perplexed.

With wide eyes and desperate breaths, my usually suppressed emotions uncontrollably flow out of me.  "I like you too but I'm scared and alone and I just don't want to feel those things anymore."

I am immediately stunned.  My hands come up to cover my face, nails digging hard into my forehead.  Why did I just say all that?  I am suddenly overwhelmed with disappointment at myself. 

For so long I have kept myself closed and now I have just exposed myself.  Why have I done that, why have I let my guard down?  It is usually so resilient, how has he broken me to open up to him.  I am so stupid.

I am so caught up wrestling with myself behind my hands covering my face that initially I don't sense that he is immediately in front of me until his arms wrap around me, tugging me into the warmth of his chest.  I am desperately fighting to pull the guard back up and get the shield in place but it is too late.

He sways our joined bodies gently from side to side, rocking me trying to soothe my pain.  His embrace feels strong and protective around me.  His hand slowly caresses up and down my back.  His head rests on mine, his nose pressed into my hair.

"Just let it all go Natasha," falls softly from his mouth as he holds me.

And I do, it uncontrollably flows out of me as I cling onto him.  His words release months of pent up hurting as it pours out of me and sobs heave out of my chest.  Months of anger, stress, loneliness, hurt, upset, unhappiness all culminating together inside me that have been bubbling away for so long, only suppressed by my determination to shut everyone and everything out of my life so I have no emotions, no feelings, no needs or wants.  Just existing, alone.

And I have shut it all out, completely successfully.  Then this man comes out of nowhere and suddenly he's challenging me, pushing me, teasing information out of me, cleverly making me open up to him.

However much I've tried to push against him, he has kept pushing back and in six short days he's managed what no one else has, to break me apart and as he continues to hold me, I completely and utterly breakdown on him.

Eventually I stop crying.  His tee is soaked with tears and I am tense in his arms with stress.  I summon enough courage to look up at him.  "I'm so sorry."

His voice is still so gentle as his thumbs wipe the tears away from my cheeks, "You've nothing to be sorry for."

His strong arms hold fiercely around me as we walk back into the snug. He sits down on the sofa pulling me onto his lap as he holds me, running his fingers over my hair.

"You are not alone, I am here and right now there is no where I'd rather be." He tightens his arms around me.  "I am not trying to mess with your emotions.  I don't do that.  Honestly, I feel something with you but it's so different from anything I've experienced and I am completely overwhelmed.  That sounds so dramatic because we only met six days ago but it's a pull towards you so strong I can't and don't want to fight it." I can feel his whole body tense almost holding his breath waiting for my reaction to his words.

I look up at him and he's staring at me intently.  My eyes are wide as I process his words.  My mind is spinning out of control.  He just admitted he feels something, for me, him, Harry. My eyes are blinking rapidly.  What do I say in response? 

I swallow hard, close my eyes and think for a moment.  He has described exactly how I am feeling but am unable to say.  I don't do words but I don't think he expects that from me.  This time, I say to myself, you have to respond Natasha.  

My trembling fingers reach to trace the sharpness of his jawline.  My gaze is transfixed upon his enticing lips as the pads of my fingers brush delicately towards them.  When they reach the fold of his mouth my index finger skims onto the soft pink surface of his cupid's bow.

A warm puff of air escapes his nostrils, rushing down my finger and I press onto his lips a little harder.  They part slightly and purse together gently to kiss my fingertip. 

Closing my eyes and inhaling sharply my finger lingers on his kiss. My touch on him retreats and I drop my hand back into my lap. His Adam's apple moves as he swallows hard.

I lean into him, our lips skimming so close together.  My eyes are flicking between his beautiful greens and the pink of his lips.  Our short breaths collide in between us, dispersing hotly across our faces. 

His deep green eyes lock on mine and they exude concern but most of all a look of deep longing.  He leans in and delicately kisses me.  My whole body melts against him as his kiss travels deep within me warming my insides. 

His hands come up to cup my still tear stained cheeks as his soothing kiss deepens and it feels nothing short of amazing as my heart flutters ferociously in my chest sending waves of contentment and happiness coursing through me.

"Harry I feel 'it' too," spills in pants from my mouth and he smiles against my lips. 

I rake my fingers through his curls and pull his lips harder onto mine.  He smirks in happiness at my touch.  My tongue grazes his top lip and he opens his mouth to allow me in. As our tongues devour each other's mouths, our lips lock in the deepest lustful kiss and I can feel the last of my angst melt away. 

His kisses are incredible kisses that travel deep into my core awakening desires completely suppressed in me.  He pulls away sucking my bottom lip between his teeth.

My eyes flutter shut as I lean my cheek on his shoulder. His cheek rests on top of my head stroking backwards and forwards over my hair. 

His arms wrap right around me, hugging me closer to him.  The beautiful smell of his cologne, lessened overnight but still alluring, fills my senses.  My hand lays flat on his chest and moves up and down to the calming rise and fall of his breathing. 

In that moment, I simply relish the feeling of him against me and the feeling that I am not alone.   

We sit on my sofa contentedly wrapped around each other for an unknown period of time.  There are no words as we are silent in exploring each other.  We hug then we kiss.  Our fingers play with each other's, entwining around each other and tickling against each other's skin playfully. 

He lifts my hand to his lips to place smooth kisses over my knuckles. My hand roams over his tattoo arm, tracing his inkings in wonder of their meanings.  The defined muscle at the top of his arm firm under my grip, his chest pecks hard under my palm. 

Everything about his body is so strong and with his arms tightly around me I feel the warmth that radiates off of him seeping into my every pore, his protectiveness creeping throughout my entire body.  His curls that sit on his shoulders tease and tickle softly against my cheeks.

Eventually I peel away from him and sit up to stretch.  It is now dark outside and the clock catches my eye.  It is nearly 24 hours since he turned up on my doorstep but after everything, it feels so much longer that we have been together. 

I stand up holding out my hand that he takes in his and I pull him up.  His hands find their way to my hips as he pulls me close into him, kissing me deeply.  Our unspoken conversation is incredible as we communicate through our touch, glances and actions alone but he seems suddenly pensive.

"What's up, you seem quiet.  Penny for those thoughts?" I smile at him.   

"Just relishing the moment of being here with you." He mumbles as he rests his cheek on the top of my head and pulls his hug tighter around me.   

"You make it sound like it's a one off, so final?" I joke a little but he doesn't respond so I pull out of his embrace to find him frowning.  "Harry?"

He sighs heavily and runs his hand through his hair.  "Look, I want to be here, get to know you, take you out again but my life doesn't allow me those luxuries. Hell, I'm flying half way around the world next week for two months."  He closes his eyes in frustration, huffs and shakes his head.  

"Hey," I say gently placing my finger on his chin to pull his sad gaze to me.  "It depends what your definition of 'being here' is?"

He opens his eyes and his brows furrow as he contemplates my words.  "What are you suggesting?"

"Harry, life isn't all or nothing, we just have to find another way."

"Yes you are absolutely right."  He nods smiling.

"Just because we are not near each other doesn't mean we can't keep in touch.  Let's take it slowly, get to know each other."  I throw my arms around his neck and pull him close to me.

"Has anyone ever told you, you are a smart cookie?"

I just screw my nose up and laugh, "We good?"

"Yes, we are good, more than good." And he kisses me, pulling me as close to him as he can.

With his arms now wrapped around my waist, he guides me towards the door and down the hallway backwards, his lips still attached tightly to mine. 

This is it, I know he has to go but I don't want him to.  I push against this chest trying to reverse us back into the snug room.  He laughs against my lips and rests his forehead against mine, closing his eyes in resignation.  "Nice try and as much as I am aching to stay, I have to go.  I'm sorry."

"I know you do." I pout.  "Harry?"

"Yes." His reply is hoarse as his lips rest against mine.

"Thank you."  They are two simple words but they hold such much meaning after today and I want him to know how thankful I am.

"Just promise me one thing." He rubs his nose back and forth across mine.

I bring my index finger up between us and place it gently on his lips and shake my head. "Please never say promise."

He pecks the tip of my finger then pulls back.  "Why not?" Surprise evident in his tone.

I gaze up at him as I place my hand flat on my chest, rubbing my thumb backwards and forwards over my heart as though trying to soothe its ache. "Because everyone in my life who has ever made me promises has broken them."

He lets out a sigh in sympathy at my words.  "Oh Natasha, come here." He embraces his arms around me.

"It's ok, I'm fine, let's just agree to make no promises." I plead with him.

"Ok, I shall rephrase.  Please will you 'agree' to do one thing for me."

"What's that?" I mumble against his neck.

"Don't tell my mum anything about today, she'd repeatedly kill me".

I can't stop the smile that sweeps across my lips at his confession.  I have to bite my bottom lip to stop myself but not before a giggle forces its way out of my mouth as my hand comes up between us to shield the smile. He looks down on me and his hand reaches to my wrist and tugs it away.  

"Agree to do one more thing for me Natasha?"

I frown at him because his look is so intense and questioning into my eyes.

"Smile more often, you look so beautiful when you smile."

My stomach swirls at his words as I can't control the massive smile I unleash at him.

"That's better," he says grinning.  "I'll be seeing you Natasha." He pecks against my lips gently.

"Yes Harry and I'll be seeing you." I throw my arms around his neck and draw him closer to me to deepen our goodbye kiss.

His hand is the last part of him to leave me, his fingers brush along the length of mine.  He steps outside and heads towards his car. 

I don't wait to watch as he drives away.  I shut the door and rest my forehead up against it. So many emotions hit me all at once.  My god, I am totally in awe of Harry Styles and he has well and truly broken me open and swept me off my feet.