Tuesday, 14th January 2014

Outside 26 Terrace Street, Holmes Chapel, Cheshire, England.

My Darling Natasha,

When my eyes flicked open from my slumber, wow, what an amazing view to wake up to that morning. You were slouched in the armchair across from the sofa where I was sprawled out. The tips of your delicately polished toes were resting on the edge of the coffee table, your knees bent and elbows resting on them. You cradled your mug between your palms, pushing against your lovely lips. You two big brown eyes watched me over the rim of the mug and when you saw I was awake the edges of your mouth, hidden by the mug, curled at the edges into a smile.

You looked morning beautiful with that deep chestnut hair messily piled high on your head in a bun and a white tee and grey sweats all baggy and hanging off your tiny frame. My feelings as I touched your lips at the fairground the previous night were still very much at the forefront of my mind but I remembered the little talk I had with myself about not rushing either of us into anything. Although I'd had an amazing night's sleep, I felt embarrassed that I'd fallen asleep in the first place. I had to leave and did so swiftly, barely saying goodbye to you.

I sat in my car outside your house having just walked out on you. The air outside was freezing that morning and the car was covered in heavy frost. Even with the heaters on full pelt it took some time to clear the screen. I remember the heated driver's seat kicking in to warm my body, although I didn't feel relaxed in the slightest. I became increasingly angry with myself. I slammed my palms hard against the steering wheel in disgust. What had I done? Exactly the opposite of what I'd promised myself. I'd walked out on you just as the walls you had around you were beginning to slip and let me in.

You were so sensitive but I'd seen glimpses over those few days of you relaxing around me, opening up and even laughing and I could tell that it took a lot for you to do that. You seemed to keep your emotions under wraps until you felt comfortable with someone. You'd started to feel comfortable with me and I'd gone and fucked it up.

Contrary to popular belief I couldn't 'have' anyone I wanted and had been knocked back before, a few times. For two people to have a connection there has to be something between them that they both feel. If one doesn't feel it, there's no point in exploring its possibilities. I simply considered what might have been had that 'it' been there, felt disappointed then despondent then I move on.

With you though it was different. God, I was so attracted to you, ever since the very first moment I met you six days prior. I simply couldn't stop thinking about you. You had an intrigue unlike no one I'd ever met. Funny as it sounds, I was so used to people being all touchy feely towards me but you were totally the opposite and it was so nicely different.

There was something in your stunning eyes when I looked at you that sparked me from the inside out. So classically beautiful and a natural English rose, gentle but strong, intelligent but bashful. I sensed such loneliness in you though, a private person who only opened up to those who were truly trustworthy. You unknowingly pulled me towards you. You were so absolutely beautifully complex to read, perhaps that was part of the intrigue.

I found you completely sexually attractive and felt exhilarated energy flowing through my entire body when I was near you. I was excited and scared all at the same time about the all-consuming possibilities we could share. I hadn't felt so fired up inside about anyone for a long time.

If I only considered your reaction to me simply from your words, then the continued verbal rejection of me was just that, rejection. But I didn't consider solely your words because I strongly sensed they were a mask to your true feelings. Your actions and body language, unlike your words, said quite the opposite to me about what you really wanted and felt. I suppose that's why I kept pursuing you to go out with me.

When I stared into your emotionally charged eyes that held such pain behind them, they shone with a glimmer of hope. When I complimented you, your eyelashes flutter rapidly. The few times my fingers had been fortunate enough to explore your beautiful face you leaned into my touch to increase its intensity and closed your eyes as though relishing the moment for that split second because ultimately you would prevent yourself from allowing it permanently. When my hand was finally lucky enough to entwine with yours, our fingers slotted together so perfectly.

I sensed accepting my touchy complimentary nature were big hurdles for you to surmount but I didn't think it was because you were inexperienced in relationships but due to things that had happened in your past. My vague memories of you from school were of a happy and carefree girl but who never really seemed to fit into the group you hung around with. I couldn't put my finger on whether it was your mother's death and your father moving away that closed you off or if there was something else under the surface between your complex layers that stopped you letting anyone in. Perhaps there was something else hidden behind the pain of your beautiful brown eyes that I was yet to discover.

All I did know was that your obvious internal struggle over every single decision you made was painstakingly difficult to experience as your brain and your heart wrestled against each other and conflicted your emotions. Your brain seemed to be the dominant force though and always won in the end.

It would undoubtedly take someone exceptionally special to break through your barriers. I wanted that to be me. I wanted to challenge those dark forces because there was something flowing between us that could quite simply be extraordinary and ultimately I wanted to explore that with you.

I had my heart singed just over a year before in a high profile relationship that was played out disastrously via the media. I was portrayed as the villain of the piece that was so far removed from the truth it was ridiculous. I thought I was in love and didn't care for a public spat so remained silent whilst she ripped me to shreds in public. Privately however, I suffered horribly, both emotionally and physically as a consequence. So I decided to put my heart on lock down indefinitely.

I spent the year concentrating on making my life how I wanted it to be. I worked hard, wrote lots for the band and others, read loads, improved my diet and exercise routine, spent time with my closest friends and family, dedicated as much time to fans as I could and on the whole led a simple existence if that was at all possible in my mad world. I was personally in a much happier place because of it.

The only thing I had not dared to do was date. Despite the constant attention I received and therefore the plenty of opportunities that presented themselves, I just hadn't wanted to. I needed that time to sort my head out and to get my life in order. In my own way I had been closed like you but more through choice rather than what I suspected with you was circumstance. But I was finally content with myself and my life and ready to move on and I sensed the beautifully complex closed you with the stunning brown eyes could be the one to do that with.

The build-up of heat around me drew me out of my thoughts. The windscreen had long cleared and the car was stiflingly hot. I rested my head back against the headrest and I closed my eyes, sucking in a deep breath. My thoughts were all very well but I'd run out on you for no reason I could really think of. Well there was a reason. I was due back in London that day and then going off on tour for months and it would be ages until I could see you again.

That was always the issue, there was never enough time to cement anything real. You weren't going to want to wait around for me whilst I went gallivanting off around the world. So I did a runner. No, it had been the right thing to do, you were far too lovely for me anyway plus, as mum reminded me on the Sunday night after you left, you deserved happiness and someone 'stable' after all the upset you'd had in you life. I shouldn't have pursued you and taken you out on a date in the first place.

I recall being so frustrated as I wrestled with myself and rested my forehead on my hands on the steering wheel. What was I doing? What had I spent the last 10 minutes in deep contemplation of? I hadn't met anyone like you for ages and I'd just walked out on you, what a shit I was. This was what my life was like all the time, if I walked away I was never going to find happiness. No, I had to get back to you and let you know how I felt and let you decide, rather than putting words into your mouth about what you wanted and what was best for you.

Without giving the negative part of my mind another chance to argue its case, I immediately jumped out the car, slammed the door with purpose and strode towards your front door.

My love is always yours .Hx

PS: I got so hot in the car I was as red in the face as a beetroot!