The mission hasn't changed: Play defense until Okayden can sweep the ground with this bitch. He already beat a magic dick, so a second one should be a walk in the park. Or a flight. It's only a matter of time until the Vamwolf slips and faceplants into the ground.

Until then, I'll have to keep the now sweaty balls out of my face and I'll be fine. I have to follow the five D's of dodgeball if I want to survive: Dodge, Dive, Duck, Dip, and Dodge.

A ball surrounded by red energy comes rippling right at me. I dive out of the way towards my right, ducking as soon as I land, which proves to be my salvation as a ball of blue energy flies past where my head was a second ago. I dodge a third ball by shifting yet again tother right, this one with yellow energy, whizzing past my left flank. I dip to my right to pick out a ball from the ground while dodging a ball with green energy aimed at my left leg.. This is easy.

That is until I see to my right that I just ran out of room to Dodge, Dive, Duck, Dip, or Dodge. The only thing to my right is the edge of the floating platform, and the promise of a painful death via a Wile. E. Coyote-style slapstick fall to the ground. It seems that in my hubris, I failed to realize that each ball Jayden was throwing my way was slowly pushing me to the edge. Damn you, Patches O'Houlihan and your damn D's!

"I suppose you don't have a self-indulgent villain monologue in you right about now, right?" I ask the Mind Bitch. Is that a reference kids will understand these days? Ever heard of Criss Angel? You know what, don't answer. I feel old already.

"Fufufu, my droog, a horrorshow evil-doer does not make a monologue before winning," says Jayden, as three balls swirled around him like atoms. "Don't worry. I'll make sure you slooshy every slovo of my manifesto once I become the ruler of this forest. And then, the world! Hey, stop moving!"

Shit. I thought I could slip away. It wasn't a monologue, but a soliloquy. Damn you, Shakespeare and your short monologues!

"Was worth a shot," I say with a grin. C'mon, plot armor. You can kick in now. Any moment... take your time.

The lanky bastard laughs gently as the balls pick up speed, shining a murky black in energy. "How funny is your choice of slovos! Because a 'shot' is what I'll shoot now. Goodbye, my droog."

The three balls fly at me at the same time, curving and swaying mid-air in unpredictable ways to throw my groove off and stop me from dodging. Not like it's necessary. It's quite literally a shotgun of magic and death wrapped around rubber. All I can do is close my eyes and pray the balls don't break my face into a Handsome Squiward-esque monstrosity. Which I do. Come home, searing pain, my old friend...

And yet—like that one friend you keep inviting to hang out and say "Sure, I'm in," but when the day comes they give some bullshit excuse to miss it like "I have to shampoo my beard" or "I'm celebrating my dog's bark-mitzvah"—the pain never comes. What does come is a collective gasp from the audience and the classing *THUNK* sound of rubber balls hitting something hard. And it wasn't my face, which is the hardest thing there is in a mile.

I open my eyes to face... something. Something big, which blocks my view. Is it a wall? It's cold to the touch, and slimy, and scaly, and-

"Are you okay, Ayden?" says a voice. A snakey voice. A voice I've heard before. Can't put my finger where, though. I can put my finger on the scaly wall.

"I'm peachy. Could be better," I answer, because it is rude not to answer such an honest question. Still, I'm a bit worried about the absolute silence in the stadium. Did everyone see a ghost or something?

A voice pierces the silence from the bleachers, a voice I easily recognize as coming from the Minotaur.

"Holy Cow, Jerry is alive!"

Jerry... Jerry... Jerry. It rings a bell, somewhat. But I'm not sure. Who is this Jerry fella everyone seems so shocked to see?

Suddenly, the wall moves forwards, and a pair of yellow eyes stare at me, followed by multiple pairs of eyes staring with worry from tiny humans swaying like live hairs on the head of the owner of the yellow eyes, which happens to be a big-ass snake.

Wait, this is the reverse medusa! But, how? His body is still in a smoldering pile of fire and metal a few feet away!

"I'm glad you're well," says the reverse medusa without a hint of a lisp. "Seems like I made it just in time."

"You... how..." is all I can say. I am seeing a ghost! A ghost clad in black armor, a mirror-like shield, and a huge sword with a red crystal that shimmers with magic. He also seems older, and greyer, with an aura of wisdom.

"Ah, you must be wondering how am I alive," says the reverse medusa as he puts up his shield once again. Three balls smash against the shield, which promptly returns to Jayden. "It is understandable, since the last time you saw me I was mincemeat."

"And you had a speech impediment," I add.

"Yes... that too," he says. "Well, I was hit by the truck, and next thing I knew, I was standing in front of a goddess in an endless lake. The goddess, Farfallah, had summoned me to be her champion and defeat a great Demon Lord in another world!"

Ah, dip. Right. The magic bus spell is supposed to be used to summon people from another word. But wait, that means I'm not a murderer! Hell yeah, brother! We are back in business.

"Look, man, I'm sorry about the whole hitting-you-in-the-face-with-a-bus thing. It was kind of a dick move on my part."

"Worry not, child of Adam," says the reverse medusa, backhanding another round of balls. "I spent years honing my mind and body under the guidance of Lady Farfallah, learning magic and saving the land of Oovulon from the evil Magmirvilion. I slew the evil dragon Timpalin, saved King Pirulino the III, introduced worker's rights to the Eastern mine workers, and settled on a villa to live the rest of my days, working on my lisp, honing my mind. Ten years had passed since the fall of the demon lord, and Lady Farfallah contacted me again with one last job: To save you. After that, I can retire in peace as a hero."

Cool, I'm not just not a murderer, but the guy I just tried to murder is gonna save me. This is peak anime bullshit. "Well, I'm glad you're alive, bud."

"But not for long," says Jayden. The balls around him begin to spin and converge into a mass of fire, creating an infernal halo behind him. "Nice to meet you, noble warrior, and goodbye."

The balls come at us with trails of fire cutting the air, moving at weird and unnatural angels, like snakes trying to surround a prey. But you can't out-snake a snake, and I have the real deal here.

The reverse medusa smacks his sword against his shield while he makes a quick incantation: 「Bounce」

The shield shimmers with rainbow light, ready to take the balls head-on. The rubber balls bounce off the shield, but instead of returning to Jayden, they hunt him down, as if the spell was turned around on him. The shit-eating smugness of his smirk turns to fear as he's put on the defensive, for once.

He chants a silent spell that turns his legs into tornadoes which allows him to zip through the field and dodge the balls, if only by a hair. But dodge he does. He's breathless, panting, and sweating like a pig on July 3rd.

"Judge, is this even allowed?!" exclaims Jayden.

The dragnpa tugs his beard with a smile on his scaly lips. "Magic is allowed, yes. And this is clearly a summons, called forth by magic. All good here."

Jayden's face goes pale. Even more pale, at least. "I suppose it is too late to hear my pontifications?" he asks while holding his sides.

"Why don't you eat a baguette of dicks, Pepe le Douche? Jerry, send him to Brazil."

Jerry does not send him to Brazil. Jerry does not even move. All he does is hand me an envelope that smells like marinara sauce with a stylized "F" sealing it shut in wax. I open the envelope, revealing a short, if effective letter:

"End this, now. Get back my relic. By your own hands,

Begrudgingly yours,

Farfallah."

Well, shit. I'm getting my arm twisted here. You know what? Fine. I'm gonna get this sideplot over with once and for all.

"Hey, dickweed," I tell the panting dickweed.

"What?" he says, confirming that he is, in fact, a dickweed. Point me.

"Seems like we are in a stalemate. You can't hurt me, and I can't hurt you. Wait, can I hurt you?"

I throw the ball towards Jayden, who slaps it out of the air with a hand surrounded by magic. "No chance, my droog."

"I guessed as much. And I, for once, would prefer to end this as gentlemen."

"I concur, fufufu," says the mocacing-wearing dick. "And we still have a bet to wager, no?"

"Indeed," I say in my most pedantic accent. "How about an all or nothing? If I win, you get your ugly mug away from here, never to return, and I get whatever you took from Farfallah."

Jayden thinks for a moment with a neutral expression, tapping his chin with his index finger. Does he think he's doing something cute? "I think it is a fair prize. But if I win, not only do I get your glazzies, but I will need something of equal value to my disappearance."

"That seems fair. What do you want?"

His pensive expression turns wicked as he licks his lips, and boy if he doesn't have a long tongue. "I want your virginity."

...Excuse me? My what?

"You heard me," he says, as if he can read my mind. Can he read my mind? Say "yellow" and I'll give you twenty bucks. "You want me out of your jeezny, and the opposite of that is having me in your jeezny wherever you itty. You can escape from me and never viddy me again, but you can't ungobble my tallywacker. Especially since you're a virgin. I want it, or no deal."

How does he even know I'm a virgin? Nevermind, I'm sure it's gonna be a bullshit sandwich. But still, my virginity can only be claimed by one man and one man only! And I'm sure as hell not going to lose it to a man in suspenders. Do I seek revenge so much that I'm willing to lose my flower over it?

Yeah, fuck it. Virginity is a contract made by old religious bumps to control women back in the dark ages. I'm a kinky bitch who is very open about his sexuality. And yet, I'm sure I won't lose. I can't lose. I'm the fucking protagonist. Nothing bad can happen to me. This ain't Game of Thrones.

Besides, it's not like I can't lose. It's that I can't literally lose. It's impossible. I think.

"Alright, I accept your terms," I say.

"Are you willing to seal that deal?" says Jayden. He puts his hand up for a handshake over the middle line, glowing ominously in black energy.

"「Gambler's Seal」a magic spell that binds a wager and executes it," says Jerry.

I think he's telling me that it's safe. Alright, if the guy I was gonna kill via bus says it's safe...

I take his hand in mine and shake it firmly, like dad taught me. I will refrain from scratching his palm and laughing like a dipshit. Two shadow snakes came out of his hand, enveloping our shake a few times. Both snakes bite us in the arm, but I don't feel any pain.

"Done. Now, the only veshch left is deciding the nature of our engagement," says Jayden. Why is his hand so sweaty? I just grabbed it.

"Since I have the most to lose," I say, trying to get away from his eagle grasp, "I strongly insist on choosing the game. After all, if I lose, I'll be blind and possibly crippled, depending on your endowment."

Stroking his ego seems to daze him a bit. There's no way he should say yes, and yet...

"Fufufu, of course, my droog. It is only fair. I do not plan to lose either way," he says. "What do you have in rassoodok?"

Hook. Line. Sinker. "How about a coin flip?"

Oddly enough, he smiles even deeper. No likey. "Leaving it to fate, aren't we? I do have to warn you, dama Fortuna is a cruel mistress, odin I have flirted with in the past. Are you sure you want that?"

Little does he know... "Of course. I wouldn't want it any other way."

"Then, I accept your terms," he says. The snakes immediately disappear, and the power holding our grips together with it. "Do you have a golly with you?"

"A coin? Yes, I have one." I take a quarter out of my pocket. "Wanna toss it yourself?"

"No need. Whatever happens, I will win regardless. 「Fortuna's Blessingsl」"

His skin starts to glow with a shimmering rainbow glow, contrasting his deep dark laughter.

"Watch out, Ayden!" says Jerry, his eyes wide open. "That spell augments his luck by 400%! You are sure to lose!"

Ah, that's where you're wrong, my scaly friend. No matter how lucky you are, you can't win a rigged game. "Well, your loss, buddy."

With a flick of the thumb, the coin flies a couple feet in the air. Jayden looks smug and punchable, as always, while Jerry looks horrified. Well, time to flip that one around.

"Ah, by the way, if it's heads, I win, if it's tails, you lose," I say as the coin goes down.

"...wait, what-"

The coin falls with a thud, and wouldn't you know it, it's tail. "I think I win," I say.

Jayden's face can only be described as the word "sourpuss." "Curmudgeon" and "spoilsport" are also acceptable terms, but don't have the same gravitas, you know?

"What... what is this chepooka?" says Jayden, eyes bulging with discontent, and whatever other fluid makes one's eyes bulge. "This is cheating, clearly cheating!"

"Like hell it is," I say. "You were the one that said with that posh accent of yours: 'I accept your terms.' These were my terms, but you have your head so far up your ass that it might as well serve as earmuffs."

Okay, there's blood coming out of his eyes now. This is turning into a "My Chemical Romance" music video now. You kids know what My Chemical Romance is? I should stop with the early 2000s emo references. "You... You... stupid nincompoop! I do not accept this. It was not fair!"

"It doesn't matter if you think it's fair or not," says Jerry, pointing at him with his sword. "What matter is what 「Gambler's Seal」thinks."

I believe it thinks it's fair. A bundle of shadow snakes appears from his wrist, each one more wicked and dark as the last.

"No, no, no! I do not accept this!" yells Jayden, pleading with the snakes. But they don't seem to care.

They bite him, one by one, making his veins bulge with an unnatural black color coming from them. And they bite him all over too. His neck, arms, legs, chest. A feeding frenzy of magic reptiles, and bitch is on the menu.

He yells, screams, pleades, to no avail. He slowly disappears, first from the bites, and then all at once. All the while looking at me with discontent. You know, I kinda feel bad. He never even try to cheat, always laying the rules and working within their parameters. I know I'm kind of a dick, but I don't think he deserves it.

"Hey, if it's any consolation," I tell him as he's about to disappear, "you're a good sport. For that, I'll bestow unto you the best sign of respect one can give after a game: gg."

"Fuck off, dickcheese," he tells me. And then, he's gone.

I take it back. He's a bitch and a sourpuss. Glad he's gone. And the crowd too, as they burst into laughter and cheers as he disappears from the scene.

"My work here is done," says Jerry, as he too begins to disappear. Thankfully in a less painful manner. "I'm glad to have come here one last time. And, thank you, Ayden, for everything. You changed my life for the better. May we see each other again, another time, in another life."

"No, Jerry, I love you!" yells the minotaur from the bleachers. That's a story I would pay to see right there.

The dragnpa clears his throat and activates his spell. "Jayden Traitoro Judasson has been eliminated!"

Eat dirt, scrub! I won!

"However..." says the dragnpa, "since magic was used directly against another being without the involvement of the supplementary rubber balls, this constitutes a violation of the rules. As such, Ayden Gomez has been disqualified!"

Double won! I don't have to stick around any longer, and this shitty ark can finally end.

The tower of light envelops me, and it feels as if I'm being dunked in a vat of Mountain Dew. I don't know if that's good or bad, though.

The last thing I see before I disappear is the Vamwolf getting clubbed in the head with a rubber *THUNK*. I'm sorry, my kindred spirit. I know how it is to fight for your anal integrity. I will pray for you.