You know, it's usually the MC that has the objection in the wedding, or at least the romantic interest in a love triangle. I'm neither, and honestly, I already have my hands full with Hayden. I shouldn't be here trying to stop a wedding and expose myself to turning into swiss cheese. I don't even like swiss cheese. It's too melty and lacks that pizzazz other cheeses have, like camembert, or provolone. Delicious, delicious cheese. I've been monologuing about cheese this whole time, haven't I? Everyone is staring at me, waiting for my next move.

And I'm still not saying anything. What can I say? What should I say? I feel this is a can of worms I shouldn't open. Do worms come in cans? Dammit, focus, Gomez! Just smile and wave. Smile and wave.

I feel a hand push me back as I smile and wave, followed by a huge red varsity jacket.

"What my panic-attack-ridden friend here is trying to say," says Hayden, protecting me with his big, musky body that would probably stop a few bullets if push comes to shove. "Is that... uh... hm. Brayden? Wanna take over?"

Brayden takes a step forward, sniffing his nose and she fixes his junk with a pull of his underwear. "yeah, your honor, i have an objection."

The priest looks stunned for a minute, dropping his Ak-47s from the shock. "Young man, I'm not a judge."

"of course, your majesty," corrects Brayden with a bow. "i'm the real brayden. that guy there with the gucci suit ain't me!"

All eyes move towards Braiden at the other end of the aisle, just like the audience of a very fast tennis game.

"Bitch, this is Versace," he says, to the surprise of everyone who took a collective gasp. "I mean- i mean, bitch, this is a versace."

The crowd takes a sigh of relief before looking at Brayden.

"who you calling bitch, you bold, italic bitch!"

The crowd says a "whoa," as they focus on Braiden. He unknots his tie in a sexy, daddy-kinda way while taking off his gold watch and ring.

"i'm sorry, can you speak louder? i don't speak bottom!"

The crowd goes "oooh" to fan the flames of war as the puck goes passes to Brayden.

"i'm top, you fake-ass yee-yee ass christian grey fanfic self insert!" Brayden screams.

"Baby?" asks Y/N, but nobody cares about her and her longish-short redhead blonde hair.

"Not now, kitten. Daddy is bus-i mean, daddy is busy."

Brayden walks two feet to the left towards the open bar, grabs a bottle of champagne, and smashes it against his head, turning it into a makeshift knife. "daddy's gonna be busy in the icu once i'm done with him!"

I swear I can hear the crowd beginning to chant "fight, fight, fight" for a second before a new bang pierces the air somewhere behind me. Everyone immediately faces us and pulls their triggers at the same time.

My entire life flashes before my eyes in a second. My childhood in Florida, where the cult of Sobek, god of the Nile, took me in after my parents, a group of Greek ice cream makers put every drachma they had into creating a sour cream and ice cream creamsicle, only to sell me for cash. Me gaining weight by eating nothing but Wendy's chicken nuggets. Me passing the bar exam and becoming a lawyer in New York Ci-wait a minute. This isn't my life! Whose life is passing before my eyes?

Lucky for us, all of the guns go *click click* instead of *bangity bang*, because my brain is going *mush mush*. I think they wasted all their bullets before.

"Y'ALL STOP YOUR BULLSHIT!" yells Goro like a 747 flying overhead. "BRAYDEN, BRAIDEN, WHAT KIND OF SISTER TRAP COCKAMAMEY SCHEME ARE YOU PULLING HERE?"

"daddy!" yells Brayden, dropping the makeshift knife, "braiden is being a butthole again!'

"Father," says Braiden, taking a step forwards, "my stupidly handsome, more successful brother is trying to ruin my special day. please escort him out of the premises. or, like the kids say today, yeet him out."

Goro scratches his stubble, looking at both of them with a stink-eye. Everyone is holding their breath to see what he would do. He prances back and forth inside the house for a few seconds, no doubt monologuing, before speaking up.

"YOUR MAJESTY, WHAT WOULD GOD DO IN THIS SITUATION?" he asks the priest.

"I'm not a prince, either!" says the priest.

"OF COURSE, MY LIEGE."

I'm pretty sure the priest wants to facepalm, but he's still holding the rifles, and I can't say he doesn't look badass with them. "Well, I would advise to ask the Lord for the wisdom of King Solomon."

"AIN'T THAT THE GUY WHO WANTED TO CUT THE BABY IN HALF AND SHIT?"

"Eh, yes, sort of, he didn't actually-" the priest began to say before being shoved apart by Liam and Jimin.

The pair grab Y/N by the shoulders and pull her up, much to her protesting. Another beefcake comes near Goro and hands him a chainsaw that he proceeds to rev up.

"WE'RE GONNA CUT THIS KID IN HALF AND GIVE EACH A PIECE, JUST LIKE GOD WANTS!"

I'm not about to sit here and witness manslaughter, even though Y/N is but a self-insert plot avatar and kinda deserves it. I jump in front of the lumbering pair as they approached out position.

"Mr. Messina-Park, sir," I say, minding my words against someone with a chainsaw, "you're missing the point. This whole wedding is a farce to take control of the family!"

"No, it's not!"

"it is!"

"It's not!"

"it is!"

Another rev of the chainsaw spooks everyone into submission once again.

"NONSENSE," says Goro with the subtlety of a tsunami. "IT IS VERY CLEAR THAT I'M THE HEAD OF THE FAMILY, AND WHEN I'M BACK IN THE SLAMMER, IT'S BRAYDEN WHO TAKES OVER."

"I see, and which one is Brayden?" I ask.

He looks at me as if he's God looking at whatever the fuck a platypus is, and wondering who made it. "HE'S THE ONE AT THE ALTAR. DUH."

"of course i'm brayden. look at me! i'm an idiot and i like shitty music made for capitalist little girls!"

"SEE? THAT'S HIM!" he yells like a 5 fingers death punch.

"If that's him," I say, walking away for dramatic effect, only to turn around sharply, "then how come you can understand him? You can never hear him speak because he speaks in lower case!"

The crowd, not knowing what's happening, but loving drama, gasps in surprise.

The chainsaw, like a lost boner, turns off and drops sadly. I can hear the gears inside his head whirling and grinding like someone learning how to drive a stick. "WELL, THIS IS AWKWARD. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY!"

Braiden, seeing his power grab slip away, steps forwards, throwing a temper tantrum. "Father! i mean, father. don't listen to him. throw them away, and let us merge families. Y/N and i will make this family powerful beyond belief!

Y/N wriggles out of the human coat racks around her, running towards Braiden while grabbing him by the face.

"Baby, look at me," she says. "I'm here. Calm down."

"Ugh, is this wedding gonna take long?" says Arianna Grande, only to remind you that she's here.

Another gunshot breaks the turmoil. You can figure out who did that.

"OKAY, OKAY, I GET IT," says Goro. I would bet a pretty penny that he doesn't get it. "WELL, ONLY ONE WAY TO FIGURE OUT WHO'S WHO. WHAT'S 4 X 4?"

Brayden jumps up while raising his hand and waving it. "oh, oh, i know! that's like one of those trucks that you can go over swamps and shit, right?"

"It's 16, you dingus," says Braiden, not realizing that he just sealed his fate.

"oh, dip?" says Brayden, looking more and more frustrated by the second. He approaches the open bar once again, grabbing, and opening, a bottle of Bacardi rum. He trips his underwear off, letting the snake air its eggs, and puts it over the bottle. Now, I don't know how, but he procured a lighter out of nowhere, lighting the underwear on fire. He created a Molotov cocktail in the blink of an eye.

I lunge towards him, just before he can throw it towards the audience, snatching it from his hands.

"What the shit, Brayden?" I say, taking my jacket and putting it around his one-eyed worm.

"what does it looks like i'm doing? i'm burning this whole mother down!" he yells, trying to grab back the bottle. "fire solves everything, and if it isn't working, you're not using enough!"

A new gunshot resets the attention back to Goro. No, wait, it isn't a gunshot. That's just his laughter.

"YEP, THAT'S THE FAKE ONE," says Goro, pointing at Braiden down the aisle.

Braiden couldn't even say a word in edgewise before he was hoisted up by Jungkook and Harry, looking pissed and betrayed. "What? Get your damn dirty sausage fingers off me! I'm Brayden"

"NO, YOU'RE NOT," says Goro, almost, but not quite, stepping over the grass. "BRAYDEN IS AN IDIOT WHO THINKS MATH IS THE DEVIL'S TOOL. HE WOULD NEVER KNOW HOW MUCH 4 X 4 IS."

"witchcraft, i say, witchcraft!"

I gotta say, Goro might be an idiot, but his tactical prowess is not to be trifled with. Seeing his plan crumble in front of him, Braiden leans forward, melting into a pot of sadness and thinly-veiled sexual innuendos.

"GET HIM OUT OF MY SIGHT," instructs Goro with all the poise of an executioner.

And with that, the plan was foiled... or was it?

No, it was, but it's not the end. Just as Braiden is about to be removed, he speaks up.

"Father, just tell me one thing," says Braiden, making Jungkook and Harry stop for dramatic effect. "Why him? Why give control of the family to an idiot? I'm smarter, sexier, and more clever than him! I deserve to be the next head of the family, not him!"

Goro stares at him, and he stares at Goro, and everyone stares at each other. It's a stare-mate. I will not apologize for that joke. Goro takes a deep breath and steps into the lawn, making his ankle monitor beep and sound like an old Nokia phone. He walks towards Braiden, getting face to face with his estranged son.

"I TRUST BRAYDEN BECAUSE HE'S AN IDIOT," he says as a matter-of-fact. "LUCKY LUCIANO, VITO GENOVESE, AL CAPONE, ALL THE BEST MAFIOSOS, YOU KNOW WHAT THEY HAD IN COMMON?"

"they're all italians?" adds Brayden, but nobody acknowledges him.

"THEY WERE ALL IDIOTS," says Goro. "THEY ALL HAD ONE BRAIN CELL BETWEEN EACH OTHER LIKE THE LOGO OF A DVD, BOUNCING AROUND, BUT NEVER TOUCHING THE CORNER. AND YOU KNOW WHY THEY WERE GOOD CAPOS? BECAUSE, BEING DUMB ENOUGH, THEY SURROUNDED THEMSELVES WITH SMART PEOPLE WHO HELPED THEM TAKE DECISIONS. SMART PEOPLE BREED FOLLOWERS AND YES MEN. IDIOTS BREED CHALLENGE AND HUMBLENESS. YOU ARE TOO SMART TO REALIZE THAT YOU ARE FULL OF HUBRIS AND TO TAKE ADVICE."

One would think Goro gutted his son like a fish and left it all out for us to see, because he goes limp and lifeless as he is being dragged away.

The pregnant silence returns, with a 8 months bump, not quite ready to pop, but could be about to burst any second now. And it pops, not with a gunshot, but by a helicopter, finding itself flying overhead as everything not nailed to the floor goes flying around due to the wind pressure. Six men armed to the teeth - and I mean it, all of them have knives between their teeth - rappel down from the helicopter, pointing rifles at Goro, who has his hands up with a pained smile.

"Goro Messina-Park," says one of the men, "you're being detained for violating your temporary house arrest. Please, do not resist."

Everyone at the wedding hides their weapons behind their backs as Goro gives everyone a pleasant smile. "OF COURSE. AND EVERYONE, I BELIEVE WE CAN PUT A RAINCHECK ON THIS WEDDING? DO FEEL FREE TO GO TO THE RECEPTION AND EAT UP TO YOU HEART'S CONTENT."

He is handcuffed and lifted in the helicopter in a matter of seconds. All eyes find themselves on the most powerful person in the room at that second: Brayden. And what does he do?

He grabs a glass of champagne, downs it all, and tosses it into the ground. "well? you heard the man. free booze and food for everyone!"

The rest of the day goes by uneventfully. Everyone is drinking, eating that disgusting fusion shit that passes for food here, and having, if not a good time, at least an okay time. Brayden changed into a nice three-piece suit, while Y/N is still a mystery to behold. A wedding reception without a wedding has a weird air to it, like the lobby of a hotel, or the bottom of a woman's purse.

As for us three, we are at a table by the corner, all by ourselves, drinking... Mountain Dew. Yeah, let's say Mountain Dew. No underage drinking here.

"Can you believe it's only Wednesday?" I ask, taking a swig of my MD on the rocks. "I feel I aged two years in 24 hours. Which reminds me," I say, motioning towards Brayden, who's dancing with Y/N. "Can we talk about him being 20-something?"

Hayden, who's leaning back on the chair like a dad of three, hunches forward, putting his elbows on the table. "Well, he's not a very smart cookie, but mostly because he doesn't care about studying. He flunked every class by not attending, but instead of letting him run his course and get a GED, Goro bribed the whole school district to let him try over and over again until he graduates. To build up some character. I think Goro does love his kid, he's just not good at expressing it."

Well, everyone's a little bit at fault when it comes to a lack of communication. One I'm also an accomplice of. I grab Hayden's hand, and am about to speak to him when a slow waltz begins playing, and he pulls me to my feet.

"Would you have this dance with me, my love?" he says, giving me those moist eyeholes of his.

How can I say no? "Of course. But you don't have to call me love. You can call me brother like always."

"You sure, love? I mean, brother?"

"I'm sure," I say, letting him lead me to the dancefloor.

He grabs my hand, placing one of his on the small of my back, pulling me towards him. The music is slow and steady, and so is he, leading me into a surprisingly gentle glide, none of us saying anything, locking eyes. As far as I know, we are the only people in the world.

"Hayden," I whisper. "I'm sorry. I've been a dick this whole season. I shouldn't have yelled at you. I know that everything you do comes out of love and not malice. I'm truly, truly sorry."

He shakes his head, twirling me in place. I don't think that's a legal move. "Don't worry my... brother. I'm also at fault. I should've been honest from the start. Truth is, I want you in the school, not because of the club, but because I want to be every second possible with you. After this year, our lives will change, and I want to treasure every moment with you that I can."

I put my face between his pecs just to escape the heat taking over my face. How can he say such things straightforwardly? I want him to flip me like a sock. What.

"Well, not that it matters," he says, dipping me back dramatically. "I wanted to use Goro's influence to help you get back. But things happen, I guess."

I look back, seeing Brayden and Y/N move toward their table, and I have an idea. I pull away from Hayden, giving him a sign to wait a second as I run toward Brayden.

"Hey, buddy!" I tell him just about as he's about to go eat a piece of cake, "would you say that you owe me a favor for saving you plump ass?"