"fuck this shit, i'm outies," says Brayden, grabbing all the snacks in the vent and walking towards the door. 

I step in front of him, but since walking and talking at the same time is too much for his brain to handle, he bounces off me ever so slightly without stopping. 

"Hey, what gives? It's just Hayden pulling a prank," I say. 

Brayden, still bouncing against my pecs, shakes his head from side to side, which I believe takes enough mental effort to make him forget how to breathe, thus making him breathe manually. Which now you are also doing. You're welcome. 

"hayden? he don't have a funny bone in him. last year, he gave me a red velvet cupcake for april's fools. i take a bite, and he starts laughing. here i was thinking he spit on it, or used salt, or a laxative, or some shit. nope. the big joke? he used an orange dye instead of a red dye. bitch be laughing to this day. naw, this is some evil shit, and daddy don't do evil shit."

"You're quite right, small one," said a voice that didn't belong to either of us, followed by three sharp taps of a window, which is the last thing you want to hear in an empty classroom in the middle of the night. That, and children laughing. To be fair, hearing children laugh at any point in time and place is a bad omen. Is that why The Omen is about some weird kid laughing? 

Am I just stalling because I don't want to dramatically move my head towards the window and see something scary? Yes, yes I am. Maybe if I ignore it, it will go away. 

So, how was your day? Being feeling fine? You drank some H2O? Gotta keep those organs wet. 

"Excuse me," says the voice again, with renewed taps on the glass. "Can you hear me?"

"I can't," I say, not staring at the window, instead focusing on the ever-bouncing Brayden. 

"Oh, okay. Sorry to bother you," says the voice. After a few seconds, it chimes in again. "Hey, you can hear me!" 

Okay, I can't ignore this one, can't I? 

I slowly turn towards the window, grabbing the top of Brayden's head and twisting it gently towards it either. There's no way in hell I'm gonna do this alone. 

What lies behind the window is something I never expected to be. 

It's a girl. A plain-looking girl, with longish short hair, and eyes that are good for seeing, and definitely a mouth. There is nothing that stands out about her in any shape or form. And yet, there is something in the back of my mind that tells me that something ain't right. 

"Hi, hello," says the girl, tapping on the window yet again. "I'm Leigh-Leigh, nice to meet you!" 

"Uh, hi? I'm Ayden?" 

"and i'm leaving," says Brayden. "i can deal with hayden being sucked out like a boba bubble through a metal straw, but i ain't dealing with some window weirdo. toodles."

Brayden walks towards the door, but the girl taps the window once again, and thus introducing a new element he has to pay attention to. Since he can't pay attention to two things at once, he stops dead in his tracks. 

"Ah, I wouldn't do that if I were you," says the girl. "You wouldn't want to end up like your friend there, don't you? The big one with the varsity jacket."

"Hayden?" I ask. "You're talking about Hayden?" 

"Yeah, sure. Him," she says, unblinking. "It seems he has inadvertently been the victim of a vicious monster. I think you humans call him...Okayden?"

"A what-now?" I say. "Okayden? A monster? The guy who only speaks in haikus? Surely, he's just a bit weird, if a little awkward. And pale. And super hairy. And has a ten-pack. And...hu..."

"huge fangs," says Brayden. "can't forget about them pearly-whites."

"Right...so, a monster, you say?" 

"Yes," says the girl. "A monster most foul. He might seem very placid and calm, but don't fool yourselves! You see, Okayden is both a vampire and a werewolf, which means that, today, during the full moon, he cannot control himself!" 

Okay, then. This is stupid. A vampire and a werewolf? This is cliche overkill. Next thing she will say is that he's an alpha. 

"And worse, he's an Alpha! And a Nosferatu! An Alpharatus! The worst of the worst!" 

I had to run my mouth. 

"shit," says Brayden before dropping everything on the floor, opening the cooler, and taking out a garlic knot, which he began to rub all over his body like soap. 

"What the fuck are you doing?" I ask. 

"didn't ya hear the weird window lady person? bitch's a vampire, and i got like...40k followers telling me all day i'm a snack. ain't nobody gonna eat my ass."

"Yeah, but...why are you rubbing bread on you?"

"cuz vampires don't like garlic!" he says, running it between his asscheeks. "haven't you watched any cartoons?" 

The girl taps the window once again, clearing her throat in the process. "Actually, that's just a myth perpetuated by vampires to make it easier to drink your blood. You see, garlic is a blood thinner, and an anticoagulant. Not only does garlic make blood flow easier from a wound, but also helps keep the wound open longer."

"are ya tryna say that hollywood lied to me?" says Brayden. 

"Everyone in Hollywood is a vampire," says Leigh-Leigh. 

"i knew it. wack. it's tilda swinton, man. ain't no way she ain't a vampire."

"Well, fear not!" says the girl, still not blinking. "I am the best vampire/werewolf hunter this side of the Mississippi!"

Which is where, exactly? I'm unclear where this city is supposed to be. But I'm not gonna say that out loud. 

"is that why you out there being all creepy?" says Brayden. "cuz ya wanna shiv my man okayden?"

The woman shakes her head from side to side, and again, not blinking once. Maybe that's why she has red eyes. She must be dry. 

"No, quite the contrary," she says. "I'm a vampire/werewolf hunter, not a vampire/werewolf killer. He's a fine specimen — a one-of-a-kind, if you will. All I want is to take him to somewhere better where he can't hurt anyone. You know, like a refuge." 

"well, how do we know you're not some weirdo who wants him for his shimmering glitter skin and abs? you look like a weirdo yourself. are you a vampire? show us your abs!"

"Again, that's just propaganda. Vampires don't sparkle. And I'm not a weirdo, I'm just a concerned expert. I can prove it by biting into one of those garlic things."

"But didn't you tell us vampires aren't allergic to garlic?" I say. 

"Duh, of course," she says. "And I know it because I'm an expert."

"or a hunter," adds Brayden. "she wants to wear a hayden suit, like buffalo bob. or that weirdo from joe dirt who looks like buffalo bob. bill?"

A scream resonates through the hallways, taking us away from the dumbest conversation ever to the fact that Hayden might be vampire/werewolf chowder. Fitting, to end his life as he lived it: providing nourishment. 

"Look," the girl says, tapping the window again, "you are right to be suspicious-"

"you do look hella sus."

"-but your friend is in danger. If we don't move soon, he will be a Jock gusher in no time. Not to be confused by the sex move. We don't have a stomach pump at hand."

Shit. I have a bad feeling about this. My bad boy senses are tingling, telling me this girl is bad news. And yet, Hayden is in danger. I'm afraid to say this, but...we have to trust this girl. 

"Okay, okay!" I say, massaging my temples. "We'll take you at your word. Just come in and help us." 

The girl taps the glass again, this time revealing an ominously big fingernail. "Ah, well, that's the thing. I can't get in. I was hoping you would help me." 

Of course, the school is closed. She must need a way to get in. That's why she's outside the window in the first place, right? I approach the window, opening it up with a hump. 

"There," I say. "Now, let's hurry."

The girl, however, doesn't hurry. She does quite the opposite by not moving. Quite rude, if you ask me. 

"Well, that's the thing. I can't go in unless I get invited. Would you care to invite me in?" 

Weird, but maybe she's well-mannered?

"yo, bro, brosef, bromides," says Brayden, tugging at my jacket. "can i talk to ya for a quicky?"

"Not now," I say. We don't have time. We have to save Hayden!

"yo, like, for realsies," he says once again, tugging at my jacket. "i think-"

"I say not now!" I yell. "And you, I invite you in. Now, can you hurry up?" 

The girl's eyes popped open. Did she have slitted pupils before? She takes one gigantic leap inside when I realize that she's way bigger than I thought she was. Like, a foot taller than Hayden kinda big. She raises both arms, which are incredibly muscular, and reveals a big set of jagged teeth. 

"You fool!" she says, getting taller and taller while the sound of crunching bones resonates inside the empty classroom. "You have fallen for my ruse! Now I shall slay the Alpharatus myself and become the queen of all vampires/werewolves!"

She snaps her boney fingers, turning herself into a million bats that fly past me in a flurry.

"And Tilda Swinton is a reptilian!" says an ominous voice that follows the bats, which disappear down the hallway.

"i was gonna say that a vampire can't enter a building without being invited in," says Brayden. "learned that from adventure time."

I stare at the open window. It now dawns on me why I thought she was suspicious. 

She was standing outside the window. We are on the third floor.