The plan: Get into the wedding venue and stop this farce.

The twist: The wedding is outside, meaning that there could be easy access from all fronts.

The twist of the twist: Since the wedding is outside, the place is crawling with security.

The obstacle: Jin and Juan blocking the only proper entrance to the wedding.

"So, what's the plan?" I ask, peering down the staircase leading towards the dining room, the only way out to the garden. This place is tighter than a tick's bunghole. There is an incredible balloon arch right at the entrance, at least 500 balloons strong, minimum.

Goro, Brayden's dad, is sitting by the bay window while rubbing his ankle monitor and "quietly" whispering "YEAH, BREATHE THAT DELICIOUS AIR. SNIFF THOSE POLLEN PARTICLES FOR DADDY. I'LL...EH, GO TO THE BATHROOM FOR A SECOND. BRB."

It is of note that there is no floor beneath him but a mat of astroturf.

"Plan?" asks Hayden. "I just thought we could, you know, walk in and stop this farce."

"And what about Dumb and Dumber over there?" I ask. "One false move and we will have the entire Kimchi-Cannoli family on our asses, and they're not there to munch them. Is Brayden awake yet?"

Okayden, peering beneath us, only grumbles. He has Brayden on his back like the world's sexiest Koala, and hopefully with less chlamydia.

"Well, I'm gonna be honest, brother," says Hayden, "I'm drawing a blank here."

"Then grab some crayons and start drawing some happy little trees, 'cuz this is your plan, after all."

Hayden pulls us back to the never-ending hallway of weird shit and scratches the back of his head. "Look, I'm gonna be honest with you, I'm not a fan of your attitude right now."

"And I'm not a fan of your face!" I say, entirely too loud for anyone's liking.

Brayden's in particular, as he begins to stir up. "oh, drama. trouble in paradise?"

"You go back to sleep!" I say.

"okay."

"No, not okay!" yells Hayden. "We need him for this plan to work!"

"What plan?" I ask. "We are here because of your super duper plan in the first place."

"Yes, brother. A plan I made to repair your fuck up!"

"he also said your whipped cream lacks sugar," adds Brayden with a sneer.

"No, I didn't! Make like a soccer mom mankind meal preps for the week and zip it!"

"Enough!"

That yell came from Okayden, who had been quiet this entire time. I don't think I've ever heard him raise his voice. He stands up, making Brayden fall to the ground. Once the shock wears off, he comes in with the big guns.

"Every one of us,

Makes mistakes and fucks it up,

But we forgive them."

Since Okayde talks in Haikus, I'll make a pause here for aesthetic purposes.

"We are all friends here,

We love each other, we are fam,

Forgive and forget."

Dammit. To be lectured by Okayden of all people. I'm holding too much right now. I know Hayden means well, and I love him. I don't want to hurt him. And yet, I've done so over and over again. I take a deep breath and settle my inner turmoil. "You're right, I'm sorry. I've been a huge dick for no reason. I know that your plan came from a place of love, and I'm giving you attitude for it."

"That's all fine and dandy, brother," says Hayden. "But I'm really drawing a blank, and we are running out of time. You are incredible at making plans, way better than me. Is there anything in that art of war thing you like to help us out?"

Ah, the Art of War. The thousand-year shitpost that got us here in the first place. "Are you sure you want to trust in me again? Last time I tried to fix something, it went to shit."

Hayden grabs my hand, caressing the back of it with his sausage thumb. "Brother... No, my love, I trust you with my life."

"awwwn, i think imma puke," cuts Brayden. "but srsly, gotta hurry this shit up. they're gonna exchange vows anytime now."

"My love, take it away."

Okay. If they want me to fix shit, I'll fix shit. My way.

"It is the rule in war, if ten times the enemy's strength, surround them; if five times, attack them; if double, be able to divide them; if equal, engage them; if fewer, be able to evade them; if weaker, be able to avoid them."

"What does that even mean?" asks Hayden.

"It means that we have to think smart. We outnumber them two to one."

"well, i think one of them weighs more than us combined," adds Brayden, picking his nose and flicking the booger away into a room with a plaque reading "Green Room." Brayden is still naked, sans his tighty-whities. What the fuck.

"Which is why Sun Tzu tells us to divide them," I say. "Two of us could take one of them down. Easy peasy lemon-squeezy"

"One of them could use us as condoms, my love," says Hayden. I feel the fuzz in my back stand up every time he says the L-word.

"Well, hardy hardy limey stabby. Whatever. If nobody has a better plan..."

And nobody does, by the ensuing silence.

"Okay, then," I say.

"What?" asks Okayden.

"No, I said, Okay, then," I say.

"Oh, okay," he says, smiling like a sweet potato with fangs.

"so, how do we do this?" asks Brayden.

"Well," I say, putting my hands around his shoulders and turning him around to face the staircase, "I'm glad you asked, because you're the most important part of this plan!"

His eyes shone like a child starved for attention getting his first hug ever from his stepfather on Christmas eve. "really? what should i do?"

"Just take a deep breath," I say, reaching around to his pretty little round, luscious butt and smacking it like a sack of dirt in a hardware store. That shit is jelly 'cuz jam don't jiggle like that.

Brayden jumps in the air, squealing like a baby pig while hightailing it across the hall, in full view of Jin and Juan. I follow behind, giving the pair the finger. Okayden and Hayden run behind me, just in time for Juan and Jin to chase us. Yes, Okayden runs like Naruto for some fucking reason.

"Well, at least the entrance is open," says Hayden, practically jogging next to me, flexing his athletic prowess. "What now?"

"Now," I say, passing the "Spain Room." Wait, no, it says "Pain Room." This could work. "We split up!"

I grab Brayden by the neck, lift him up - mind you, he's still trying to run in the air while squealing like a piglet - and point him at the "Panic Room," which is either a safe room in case of emergency, or a place where all of Brayden's "Panic! At The Disco" merchandise is stored. Hayden and Okayden follow him in. But I don't.

"My love?" asks Hayden, seeing I'm not entering after them.

"I'm sorry," I say as I close the door in his face. I grab my leather wallet and shove it under the door to stop it from opening back up. "I'm not putting you in danger. The greatest victory is that which requires no battle. I'll draw them out, and as soon as you hear them pass by, rush to the entrance."

"My love! I'll not let you be double-teamed by two human equivalents of an S.U.V!"

"This is my decision!" I yell, just as the two beefcakes make the corner towards me. "Don't let my sacrifice be in vain!"

"My love!" he yells, but it is too late. I'm already running away.

"Hey, dillholes!" I yell, mooning them while smacking my cheeks. "Come and get some!"

"No, thank you!" says Jin, doubling up his waddle. "I'm faithfully married!"

"With me!" says Juan, grabbing his spouse's hand. "And let me tell you, you ain't got shit on my ass!"

Wording, people, wording. Also, awn. Poor bed. I turn around to see the Panic Room door bulging out every couple of seconds. Hayden will surely break it any moment now. I have to find a room to make my last stand, fast!

"Let's see... Spain Room, Saint Room, Same Room, Split Room, Sonder Room, Soliloquy Room? Well, ain't that a little meta," I say to myself. "Ah, S&M room. I'll surely find something to hold my ground here."

I enter the room, expecting chains and whips and all kinds of hot things to tickle one's fancy, but I'm wrong. Dead wrong. It isn't a Sado-Masochism room, but a Sausages and Meat room. Row after row of Chorizo, Calabrese, Bull carcasses, pig heads, and even the odd Frankfurt. It's a vegan's worst nightmare. Or carnivore's heaven. Kinda like how dog heaven is squirrel hell. And the cold. Jesus, I can break glass with my nipples. I could use a couple of sausage links as nunchucks and maybe a leg as a bludgeoning mallet.

"End of the line, twerp," I hear Juan say behind me. And there he is, alongside his spouse, looking like two peas in a huge pod.

Jin steps in after Juan, closing the door behind him. Their moist breath turns into steam as soon as it leaves their mouth, like a couple of fat dragons. Jin takes a nutcracker out of his pocket and proceeds to crack his knuckles one by one. Juan, on the other hand, takes out his socks - his nylon socks - and puts them around his hands.

"A little birdie told me you were allergic to synthetic fabrics," says Juan, just as Jin does the same. He approaches one of the carcasses and punches it like Rocky, but instead of making it wobble, it flies out of the hook it's suspended from. "Well, I don't know what your game is, but it ends here. You're trapped in here with us."

To that, I give them my smuggest smirk, one you could almost taste in the air, followed by an obnoxious giggle.

"What's so funny, funny man?" says Jin, stepping forwards.

I stop my giggle to open my mouth, saying everything in one breath. "All warfare is based on deception. Hence, when we are able to attack, we must seem unable; when using our forces, we must appear inactive; when we are near, we must make the enemy believe we are far away; when far away, we must make him believe we are near."

"What? Is that some Nietzhe shit?" asks Juan.

"No, it's Sun Tzu," I say, putting my hand in my pocket. "And it means, more or less, that I'm not trapped in here with you. You're trapped in here with us."

I take out the red pebble and toss it in the air. "Okayden, I choose you!"

A red bean comes firing out of the rock, forming into an Okayden, who falls into the floor on all fours.

"Okay-kay!" he says like a bootleg Pokemon.

"What in the Kraft Mac-&-fuck is this?" says Juan, rushing towards Okayden. "Begone, evil demon! Begone!"

"Okayden, use... ugh, scratch?" I say.

"Okay-kay!" he repeats, baring his .50 caliber-sized nails and jumping on top of Juan's bald head like a skittish cat running from a bath.

I'll avoid describing what is happening right now, because this much blood will surely bump this story to an adult rating by the Wattpad ambassadors, so just imagine a party clown shredding ribbons with a pair of scissors and call it a day.

Needless to say, Jin watching his life partner being turned into a Christmas present is making him a little bit mad. Just a slightly bit tilted, given the blood-curdling scream that comes from him. He tries to take out his gun without taking the sock out of his hand first, making it fall into the ground. This is my time to shine.

As he reaches down to grab the gun, I lunge myself, chest first, and hit him straight in the temple with my rock-hard nipples. It knocked him straight down.

I grab the pebble and rush past him, opening the door for my partner. "C'mon, boy. You did good!"

"Okay-kay!" he yells, rubbing against my leg, before leaving with me down the aisle and towards the stairs.

We did it. We actually pulled a plan off. Things are looking up! Or down, in this case. Looking down the staircase, to see Brayden standing there, mouth agape, buttcheeks flying in the air, and grabbing the doorframe, as Hayden is trying to push him through it.

"What the fuck is happening?" I say. "Go stop the damn wedding!"

"no! not yet!" yells Brayden. "i'ts not the time!"

Hayden stops pushing, putting his hands back in defeat. "The little idiot wants to wait until the 'speak now or forever hold your peace' part to interrupt."

"i've always wanted to do it at least once!" whines Brayden.

Oh, for fuck's sake. We are not playing this cliche.

I bite one of my nails, turning it into a makeshift needle, and plunge it into the balloon arch decoration thing.

Now, I don't know if you know this small fact, but a popping balloon kinda maybe sounds like a gunshot. And a gunshot in one of the most heavily secured weddings involving a mafia family is not a situation where people ask questions first, and then shoot. More like, shoot first, toss the bodies into the lake for the ducks to eat.

Every gun in the wedding - and I say every gun, including the ones held by the best man (Both Jungkook and Harry), the bridesmaid (Ariana Grande), and even a little uzzi from the flower girl - point in our general direction and fire at the same time in a dance of fire and led, wheezing past us for a solid minute. I've heard of shotgun weddings, but never a sub-machine gun one. Once the bullets subside, I peek my head out to see the priest dual-wielding a pair of Ak-47. This is getting ridiculous.

I raise both hands over my head and slowly move out towards the garden, just in time for Goro to return from the bathroom.

"WHAT IN THE ALABAMA COUSIN-LOVIN FUCK IS HAPPENING HERE?" he asks, almost, but not quite, leaning out to see the renovations made to his house's facade.

I turn around slowly, a smirk creeping in out of habit. "Uh, I object?"