I would give a pretty penny to turn this entire book into third-person omniscient narration just to see what's going through the mind of this poor, elderly priest whose Fiverr account is most likely run by his nephew just to get a few bucks and make ends meet, when a pair of weird teenagers ask him, in the middle of the night, to make holy water out of cans of LaCroix Pure. 

"Is...this is for real?" says the priest through the phone, adjusting his stereotypical round glasses that go with his stereotypical round, bald head. 

"Dead serious, padre," I say, putting my elbows on the table in the most intimidating way I can. "We're having a bit of an emergency here, a matter of life or getting buttmunched, so if you can move your magic wand and do your magic..."

"This is not how it works, young man," says the priest. "Holy water is one of the most powerful tools for cleansing, protection, and blessing. One does not simply wave a 'wand' and says a few words and makes it." 

Okayden grabs the phone and flips it to face himself like one would do to a perp tied to an office chair and we really need him to tell us how to get into the boss' safe. "Use your magic, sir,
And I will add an extra,
Twenty bucks, you dig?" 

The priest goes quiet for a second — I wonder if he was a bad boy in his past life — before giving his answer. "Make it 30, and leave a positive review. At least 50 words."

"Deal," I say, flipping the phone towards me. "Now, get to blessing." I place the phone in front of the cans, tapping one of them on top. "Chop chop, padre. Time's running out." 

"Eh, is there, you know, actual water in these?" says the priest. "This works better with water, being the water part in the holy water." 

"Don't worry, padre. This thing is the biggest racket in the soda industry. Just pure carbonated water, no sugar, no calories, nothing. Just water. LaCroix Pure, more like, pure bullshit. Pardon my french." 

"Okay, then, if you say so," says the priest. He takes out a silver cross and waves it around a few times. "Swiggity-swolly, yet water's now holy. Done."

"Wait, is that all?" I ask. 

"Well, you say you were in a hurry," says the priest. "Anyways, I have mass tomorrow. 30 bucks. 50 words review. Move it, muchacho. May God be with you."

And with that, he hangs up. Live long and suck it, padre. Wait, that's Star Trek. Same difference. 

"Will this plan work well?
I have a lot of questions,
And lot less answers," says Okayden, picking up a can and tossing it to the air before catching it like a badass. 

"It will work," I say. "Maybe. It's our only chance. But only if you do as I told you." 

"If you say so, bro," says Okayden.
"Just get those pretty feet ready,
For me to fiddle." 

I don't like the tone he used to say that, but whatever. I already crossed the Rubicon. I'm knee-deep in this. I took the first step. Okay, I don't have any analogies that involve anything other than feet or legs, sue me. 

What's the plan, you ask? Well, wouldn't you like to know, book boi? You have to read on to find out! 

Also, this ark is already 6 chapters long and I'll like to wrap this up. So yeah, let's get on with it. 

It doesn't take long to figure out that Leigh-Leigh and the two idiots are in the gym. It's about the only other space one can have an epic final showdown in this school. 

There she is, sitting on top of Hayden like a stool in the middle of the basketball court while stroking Brayden's back like a cat belonging to a Bond villain, only...you know, plain-looking. Like manufactured out of a team of clothes executives to look like the perfect human mannequin. And being a vampire, she would never get old.

Hey, vampires make the best human mannequins. Did I stumble into a conspiracy out of nowhere? #woke

"C'mon, little kitten," she says while stroking Brayden, "say the line."

Brayden looks miserable — even more so than when I last saw him — but still drums his foot when she scratches him. How wonderful to live in a world where everything likes to be scratched, and to have the means to do so. 

"man is condemned to be free; because once thrown into the world, he is responsible for everything he does, which is, like, not very cash money of us," says Brayden. 

Leigh-Leigh laughs in that empty, generic laugh of her, covering her mouth with the back of her hand. "Oh, to be mortal and have such thoughts, like death, and existentialism. I like you, funny man. How would you like to be my pet? I shall keep you around for my entertainment, feeding flesh scraps, and dressing you in silly costumes." 

"will there be wifi?" he asks. 

"The best Wi-Fi." 

"dope, i'm game."

I'm surrounded by idiots. Time to end this. I should probably explain this plan of mine as I go to give it an air of mystery and wisdom. 

Step one: distract. 

I swing the door open, making sure to make as much noise as I can, and lo and behold, it works. Every pair of eyes focus on me like a big dick in a Russian sauna as I strut my way in. "Stop, you blood-sucking, butt-munching, fleas-having sky bitch!" 

"hey, that's my master you're talking about, you dick!" yells Brayden. "let me at him, mistress!"

I'll ignore that for now.

Leigh-Leigh gently puts Brayden on the ground and pats his head twice before standing up from the squatting Hayden. "Hush, little pup. Mommy will take care of the pest for you." 

"Yo, Ayden!" says Hayden, "shit's going nuts! I'm tired of being a big-boy for these furry freaks. You gotta help me!" 

"What can a mouse do against a prowling lion?" says the girl, taking a step forward as two huge bat wings unfurled behind her back. "Nothing but scurry. Now, scurry along, little mouse. Mommy has a daddy to catch. I'm gonna suck him dry."

This whole thing is getting weird. I had a whole speech planned and all. This whole talk about mommies and daddies just threw me off my groove. But it doesn't matter — my plan is going smoothly. All I had to do is make her look away for a second for Okayden to sneak in from the other entrance. 

Step two: ambush. 

"Oh, word?" I say, taking one of the holy LaCroix from my jacket. I shake it three times to activate the carbonation. You know where this is going. "Then why don't you suck on these All-natural nuts!"

I toss the can toward her, and she catches it mid-air.

"What's this? A last-ditch attempt at defeating me?" she asks. "Useless. You know, I wanted to play with you a little, but now I'll crush you like the maggot you are."

And that's where she seals her fate. To punctuate her threat, she crushes the can between her perfectly-and-at-the-same-time-terribly-mundane hands, spraying the holy LaCroix all over. 

It doesn't take a second to make her skin burn in a flash of sizzles and smoke, making her stagger back...and trip over the squatting Hayden, like that witch from that fairytale with Hansel and Gretel. How is it called again? 

I'll admit, her falling over wasn't a part of my plan, but it works well enough for us. It makes her wide open for Okayden, who comes from under the bleachers and grabs her by the neck, using the same momentum, pins her to the wall. 

"no, my liege! imma fuck your shit up, bastard!" yells the simp formerly known as Brayden. 

He runs towards the struggling Okayden and begins to gnaw on his leg, to no avail. He's mostly getting leg hair and ticks in there, to be honest. Nothing that a quick kick from Okayden doesn't fix. 

It seems, for a moment, that Okayden has the upper hand choking Leigh-Leigh. But that moment, like those few seconds of happiness you get when waking up when you forget all about debts, and selling feet pics to pay those debts, is fleeing. It doesn't take long until she grabs his wrists and twists them behind him. 

"Ah, the Alpharatus, at least!" she says. She gives his ears a lick, which, ew. "You shall finally be mine, either beside me, or mounted on my wall!"

Just as planned. 

Step three: distract, part 2.

"If you want me so," says Okayden, pushing himself away from her, "do try and catch me, will you? 
It won't make it easy." 

He summons wings from his own, and in a flash, he flights out of the gym like a bat out of hell. 

"Oh, you tease!" says Leigh-Leigh. "You just know how to make things interesting." 

Her wings, dark as the night, but oh so plain, extend over as she takes flight in pursuit, leaving us three in the gym. 

Right on cue for...

Step four: ambush, for realsies now. 

"What the fucks is going on, brother?" asks Hayden, but we don't have time for that. 

I hand him two bottles of holy LaCroix and tug at his shirt. "No time to explain. Follow me and do what I say, no matter what. We're gonna ambush that fucking mutt." 

And the simp comes a-simping. 

"i'm, like, not gonna let you hurt my momm-i mean, master. not gonna let you touch my master, you freaks!" 

You know, maybe I can use him to our advantage. I have an idea. 

"Oh, we are not talking about her," I say. "I'm talking about Okayden. He is a mutt, right Hayden?"

"Hella mutty," says Hayden without skipping a beat. I honestly don't know if he's doing it following my lead, or just because he genuinely hates Okayden. Nevertheless, it works. 

"oh, okay," says Brayden. "let's go, then!" 

We run out of the court and directly to the main hallway, moving right to the LaCroix vending machine, which is already out of the way to reveal the secret passage. I hope this works. 

I stand on one side of the entrance, with Hayden taking the other side. As for Brayden...

"Look, buddy," I tell him, putting my arm around him. "Remember how vampires can't get inside a building without being invited?"

"yeah, so?" 

"So, this passage is not part of the school. It's, according to the principal, an entirely different structure. If your lady is in trouble, she will need a place to escape, yes?" 

"i guess," he says, rubbing his arm.

"So, why don't you go in, and, just in case, if she needs a quick getaway, you can invite her in, and she will be safe from Okayden, who will not be invited in. Makes sense?"

"it does make sense!" he says with a goofy smile. "and she will love me for it!" 

"Exactly," says Hayden. "Now, go in, champ." 

"But not too in, or she won't hear you," I say. "Near the entrance is fine." 

Brayden steps in with a jump, all the while giggling like a schoolboy. To be an idiot with not a care in the world...I envy him. 

"So," says Hayden in a whisper. "What's the 4-11?"

"Okayden is gonna lure her here. As soon as she comes by, shake the can and blast her. We trap her between the two, forcing her to escape to the secret hallway. Then we lock her behind it." 

"And then?" he asks. "Are we just gonna leave her there?" 

"The cops are going to open it tomorrow. That's gonna be their problem." 

"That's cold, bro. Really cold. I dig it." 

And just then, a maniacal but bland cackle starts to approach, signifying that she's just around the corner. And sure enough, after a few seconds, comes Okayden, with her in tow. 

"Three, two, one...now!" I yell.

And it goes swimmingly. She gets caught between the two of us as she screams bloody murder. Sizzling and smoking, she has nowhere to go. And Brayden picks up on it. 

"my liege, come here! they can't follow you!"

She doesn't take too much time to take her up on his invitation and disappears down the secret hallway. As soon as she is out of view, I pull Brayden out of there while Hayden pushes the door back in place. I hand Brayden to Hayden. 

"Take him and run out of here. If he stays, he's just gonna invite her in again," I tell him, and give him a small smack on the butt.

He, much to his football roots, puts his over his shoulders and runs as fast as he can. 

"What the..." says the voice of Leigh-Leigh behind the vending machine. "Let me out, at once!" 

"Yeah, that's not gonna happen. You just sit tight and we will let you out...in the morning." 

"I will get you for this!" 

Okayden materializes next to me. "You go out now, bro,
I'll watch over her today,
She won't go away." 

"Thanks, hang in there," I say, turning around to leave, but I'm stopped in my tracks.

"And please, humor me, 
Don't wash your feet tonight, okay?
I like them stinky." 

The nightmare is over... but a new one has come to replace it.