"Wake up," I hear an angelic voice say to me in a dulcet, sing-song tone. "Time to rise and shine!"

What happened? Wait, let me go back a chapter and read what happened.

...Ah, I got hit by a school bus. Fun. Am I in heaven? This doesn't feel like heaven. Doesn't even smell like fried chicken. My neck aches, and my arms, and my everything. Suppose I'm dead now. Cool.

"I said, wake up, sleepy-head!" I hear the voice again, but I'm not particularly inclined to do that just yet. I have a splitting headache, which I suppose comes from my head splitting open. You know, of all the ways I thought I would die, getting hit by a bus was not on my top ten. Which are drowning, in a fire, drowned by the smoke of a fire, catching on fire on water thanks to environmental pollution, or a selfless sacrifice for a loved one.

Oh, shit. Did Hayden die too? Man, he's definitely going to heaven. Maybe I'm in hell? Oh god, am I entering a plot where I have to escape hell to reunite with a loved one? Am I doing a Dante's Inferno? Or a reverse Orpheus, depending on your leanings.

"I said up, you greaser fuck!" I hear the angelic voice, not so dulcet or sing-song'ish, followed by a punt in my giblets.

I jump up, broken bones be damned. Hmmm... I should have broken bones, shouldn't I? I don't feel like anything's out of place. Everything aches, sure, but nothing's broken. And I know I'm not that lucky. Broken bones and cuts are sexy, yet, I don't feel or see anything amiss.

In fact, I don't see anything. Just a void, cold and uncaring. Wait, I still have those dumb-shaded glasses. Wonder why they didn't break upon impact. I take them off, and... still nothing. But I can now see Hayden, eyes shut, on the floor like a Snorlax, snoring away.

"Hey, you woke up. Cool..." says the now-annoyed voice. "Mind waking up the big guy too? I punted him in the balls but all he did was moan and smile. Ew."

Can't say I saw that one coming. Might wanna try it later. Also, what the hell is happening? Where am I? Where is that voice coming from? Is this gonna be a stupid sideplot? We already have a wedding and a tournament to get through, for Pete's sake! Also, who is Pete, and why does he likes japanese wine so much?

"Um, excuse me," I say.

"You are excused," says the voice from somewhere in the void.

"No, I mean, I'm sorry, but-"

"Well, Mr. Sorry," says the voice, with a slightly bitter edge, like an apple cider gone slightly wrong, "I asked you to wake up the big sow. You are not being very helpful."

"Well, I'm sorry-"

"And I'm waiting for you to do what you were told," says the voice. "Seriously, so hard to find good help these days."

This is going nowhere, fast. Maybe Hayden will have better luck trying to sort this out.

Now, what I'm about to do should never be done in any shape or form to an unconscious person, but I've slept with Hayden before, and he can give Rip van Winkle a run for his money. Can't tickle him, slap him, push him, or flick the light on and off passive-aggressively like an angry dad getting late for work, because he won't even budge. The only way to make him wake up is by, well...

I mount him like a reverse horse, grabbing his head with both hands, pulling it back and lick his neck, slowly. Most nerves pass through the neck area at some point, so it takes just a little stimulation to send shivers down a person's spine, jolting anyone awake.

Never lick another person's neck without their consent, folks. Unless they're into it, I guess.

Hayden stirs awake, groaning as he shifts his weight. Probably aching all over, too.

"Ugh, I feel like I got hit by a bus," he whispers, not quite opening his eyes yet. "Wait, am I dead? Am I in heaven? And why is my neck wet?"

"Worse," I say. "You're in a side-plot."

"Jesus?" he asks. "Did you just lick my neck?"

The void shakes with a rude "ahem," making Hayden open his eyes slowly.

"Ah, it's this dream again," whispers Hayden, closing his eyes again. His hand moves slowly towards his pants and... unzips them. "Do that thing you do with your hips, but faster this time. Last time I woke up before the big bang."

"I said, ahem!" repeats the void, this time making Hayden jump up, shaking me off.

"What the hell is happening?" asks Hayden, pulling his pants up. "Where are we? When are we?"

"The question you should be asking," says the voice in a sarcastic voice, "is who am I!"

"Who am I?" I ask, standing up from the dirty void floor. Many dead screams litter it. "I know who I am."

"No, no, no, you nincompoops!" yells the voice, shaking the void. "Who am I!"

"I think the voice is trying to ask us who we really are," says Hayden. "Like, what makes us, us. What makes a human, human. Who are we, if not featherless bipeds, souls piloting a meat prison? A blip in time and space, brother. That's what we are."

"What you are is a couple of dumbasses," says the voice without skipping a beat.

The void unfurls itself in front of us like a fine Persian carpet, and just about as colorful. What was once darkness and emptiness turns into an endless sky full of clouds, with a floor of shimmering crystal. Corinthian columns, old, broken, and decayed surround us. Why are there always Corinthian columns? Would they kill them to add a few ionic columns? Disgraceful.

And in front of us sits a throne, as most standing thrones are generally uncomfortable, with...ah, goddamit! Is that Lee sitting on it?

Okay, what kind of sick prank is this? Very elaborated, too, given the school has no budget. She even has a pink wig on.

"Lee?" I ask. "The hell is going on?"

Lee shoves her pink locks behind her while crossing her legs in a very un-Lee fashion. Actually showing feelings, for once. "It was a rhetorical question, idiot. I'm not this Lee person. My name is Farfallah, and I'm the goddess of this world!"

"I always knew God was a woman," says Hayden. "Only a girl God could create something as useful as a platypus. They lay eggs and sweat milk. They're a walking brunch machine!"

Pink-haired Lee laughs condescendingly, using the back of her hand to cover her mouth in that really condescending way. "I'm not the God of your world, son of Adam, but of mine."

"My dad's name is Chuck," says Hayden.

I swear I can hear the last shred of Lee's patience break away as she sulks into her throne. "Let me try this again. Hi, hello."

"Sup," I say. Maybe if I annoy her enough, she will drop the charade and let us go our merry way.

"Yes, hi," she says, rubbing her temples. "Look, you guys? Are dead. Finito. Caput. Zlitch. Nada."

"I don't feel dead," says Hayden. "And I know death. One time, me and my pops were playing ice hockey on the lake, which is kinda weird since we don't get snow here, but he insisted it was fine, and it was not fine, brother. Not fine at all. And then the ice broke and I kinda drowned for like 15 min and was, like, technically dead, and I know it sounds weird, but death kinda smells like fried chicken, and-"

"Silence!"

The sky ripples as if it's made of water, turning, shifting, into a mediocre high school entrance. The last few seconds of the last chapter play in normal motion, and they look pretty silly. A dry hit, sending us flying like ragdolls, crashing against the pavement after spinning in the air three times. Great air, horrible landing. 3/10. Gotta give it to the shutter glasses, they can take a beating. Not even a scratch. My brain? Not so much. Spilled all over the road. How many times have I been beaten silly today? I'm kinda worried about the direction of this season, to be honest. Too much shit going on.

"See, you are now dead," says Pink-haired Lee. "But, not for long. For I, Farfallah, Goddess of Time and Space, can save you!"

I remain silent. Hayden remains silent. Farfalla remains silent. I don't know if she wants us to say something, or if she's just doing it for dramatic effect, or-

She coughs softly, so maybe we have to say something. Let's just go with it and see where it leads."Oh, Farfallah, thank you kindly," I say in a monotone voice. "But what's the catch?"

"Catch?" she says with a devious smile. "Whatever shall you mean?"

"We mean that there's always a catch, Jesus," says Hayden. "You save us, you want something in return. So, spill the beans."

"First of all, I'm not Jesus," says Pink Lee. "And second, now that you mention it, there is something I would like you to do in gratitude for my benevolent act. I have chosen you two, sons of Adam, in peak physical form, heroes of your world, for a reason."

I take two steps towards her, staring at her cocky shimmering eyes, and take a deep breath. "So, you revive us, and in exchange, we do something for you?"

Pink Lee, straightens up, looking less deflated, getting a cocky smile. "Yes, son of Adam. I see that you're not a complete idiot."

"So, if we say no," I say, taking another step towards her, "you will not revive us, and we die, but for real."

"Yes?" says the "goddess," not so sure of herself. "That would be the natural conclusion."

I smile, turn around, and flip her the bird. "Yeah, I'll pass. You can send me on my way, thanks!"

Both Hayden and Pink Lee say "what?" in unison, both jumping up at the same time.

"You heard me. Lemme die," I say. "Hell, all I want is for this nightmare that I call being a bad boy to be over. Death is a shortcut I never really considered, but, hey, while in Rome..."

Farfallah awkwardly shifts on her throne, unsure of what today, flapping her mouth and mumbling something or other. Hayden grabs me by the arm, turning me around away from Pink Lee and leans closer. "Hey, brother, what in the actual hell are you thinking? Is this some kind of bluff? You trying to hustle a goddess? You know she can turn you into a pigeon and stuff, right? Multiply bread and fish."

"No, I'm super cereal," I say with a smirk. "Don't you see? This is our way out! No more suffering, no more escaping being a bad boy, nothing. This is the logical end of the story. Just walk away into the dark like that one depressing Death Cab for Cutie song. What's the name?"

Hayden's expression goes from confused to mad to concerned. Conmarned, if you will. I know it seems I'm kinda advocating for suicide right now, but I'm not. I'm already dead, am I not? Let's just end this story and let the author write something else. I heard he's working on an enemies-to-lover chef love story. That seems cool.

"Look," says Hayden, squeezing me harder. Tasty. "You might be done with life, but I'm not. There are still things I wanna try. I wanna get married, go to Paris, raise a tree, write a child, grow a book, all that jazz. Hell, I don't wanna die a virgin!"

"You're a virgin?!" I ask. "I thought you and that queen bitch-"

"The point is," he practically screams, spittle and all, "is that I'm not done with life. I wanna build a future. My future. Our future. Are you so tired of me that you prefer to die than go back to life with me?"

Oh, Farfallah. Here we go. "No, that's not it, it... you know..."

"No, I don't," says Hayden. "You are my boyfriend now. My family. You don't walk this life alone anymore. Can't go around making selfish decisions. Are you gonna leave me alone in this, or what?"

I hate love. This is why I always avoided it. But hell if I can't live without it now. Can't even be a dick now, and I love dick! "Fine, fine. Let's just do this fast before I change my mind. Fusilli, what do we need to do?"

"It's Farfallah, you imbecile," says the goddess. "And it is rather simple."

The crystalline floor beneath us bulged upwards, turning into something like mercury, floating in front Farfallah. It bulged and squirmed into a shape. A transparent bottle, with a liquid inside. A purple liquid, to be precise, with rays of gold swirling and shimmering every few seconds. "A miscreant from my world has stolen an artifact most precious to me, and a rather dangerous one at that. To avoid my wrath, he has escaped to your world, where I cannot directly interfere beyond manipulating time for a few seconds. I need champions, proxies of mine to look for the interloper, defeat him, and get back what's mine."

The bottle floats gently towards me, beckoning me to take it. It feels hot to the touch. Kinda reminds me of a bottle of uri-

"The artifact in question has many names," continues Pink Lee. "But in your tongue, it would be called 'Time in a Bottle'. It allows whoever drinks its liquid to skip time according to how much they drink. It is a very powerful artifact, and in the wrong hands, it can spell the doom of a world."

"So, let me get this straight," I say. "You want us to find a magic interloper with the ability to skip time and somehow finagle our way into stealing a powerful artifact from him?"

"Yes. I, Farfallah, Goddess of time and space commands you to!"

"I see," I say, crossing my arms. "How in the everloving Jojo anime fuck are we supposed to do that?"

Farfallah snaps her fingers, making everything around her turn back to the primordial darkness that it once was. "That's not my problem. Just get me my bottle back."

"Can't we get a hint?" yells Hayden as Farfallah herself starts to disappear into the ether. "Like, how he looks, where he might be, a name, maybe?"

"I don't know his name!" says the goddess, her words echoing slowly into nothing. "Nor how he looks like. But I do know he is a trickster and a cheater. Maybe try throwing a contest of some kind? He's surely bound to show up and cause trouble. That would be a good bait. Something like a tournament."

Oh, hell no. Is she trying to insinuate we get into the stupid club tournament thing? Jesus, I can't even escape the damn thing for a second before fate twists my arms into a plot.

Next thing I know, I'm back at school, chasing Hayden, just like before the bus accidentally glomped us, but a bit farther apart now, just as the bus flies between us with a blare of the horn, missing us by a hair.

We lived, but at what cost?

And it's only been like three hours since this stupid season started.