hell yeah, brother! this is a brayden chapter now! that peepee poopoo ayden man ain't around to go harshing our mellows. he's always a downer, lookin' at me with those lookin' eyes and monologuin' about every single little thing. my god, what's there to think about? just go with my guts, i say. no thinking, just vibes all around. it's been a hot minute since we three just get together, the three amigos. the three musketeer chocolate bars. barnie and his other two weird dinosaur friends. they are the boots and map to my dora the explorer. holy mothballs, her name is dora 'cuz she's an "exploradora," which means explorer in french. that's molto bene, my dudes!

anyways, here's a picture of how i'm feeling from the microsoft paint in my mind. used a lot of thinky juice for this.

i'm fucking picazo. look at my damn abs. i wanna lick those cum-gutters so much. why insn't anybody offering to lick my cum-gutters? bullshit, i tell ya. bullshit.

speaking of bullshit, i go out of my way to let hayden into my home, give him my fav drink in this god forsaken podunk town, and all he's done is sulk in the corner like a... ah... umm... corner sulker. who sulks in corners. look dude, you know daddy ain't the brightest tool in the lightbulb when it comes to anal-orgies. just nod your head and be a pretty kitten for me, will ya?

hey babe you barely touched you baja blast since you got here, i tell him, puffing my chest, my nipples looking scrumptious through my vegan-cotton shirt. oh brayden my brother my best friend with a massive horse cock, he tells me, i'm just at a loosing for what to do with my peepee poopoo boyfriend well, ex-boyfriend, he tell me.

whoa, he broke up with peepee poopoo ayden? that's totally not tubular, bro! sure, he's a smug dickhead who looks at me like i'm some sort of idiot, but he makes hayden happy. he makes us all happy! everyone knows he's the comedic relief character of my story, after all. sad to see a sad clown, like that one joke about tagliatelle the clown and the doctor and the watchmen. now he's making hayden sad, which makes me, like, not funky fresh feelin'. and y'all know daddy likes to be funky fresh.

scooby places one of his big, meaty paws on hayden's shoulder. god, i want those claws around my throat. no i don't. i do? no! i do! wait, no, i don't!

"woof woof, rawr, bark!" says the man-wolf in his man-wolf ways. dunno, wasn't paying attention. thinking about them paws. no, i wasn't!

oh, i don't know, scoobs, says hayden while fiddling with the straw of his baja blast, it's just... things have been hard lately, like there is a force trying to pull us apart, and you know how paranoid ayden gets sometimes and he has this single-minded resolve that only he can solve things, and doesn't rely on me to sort out my issues. i'm not a damsel in distress that needs rescue but he insists in shouldering everything making a huge deal out of an ant hill and making a fuzz about every single little thing going wrong. unlike daddy brayden, who is as cool as a cucumber and just about as girthy. oh how i wish i could lick the sweat of his nape.

but joke's on you, hayden, i don't sweat. i have hypohidrosis, meaning daddy is too cool to sweat. also, mild nerve damage. guess my spine can't handle the kimchi-canoli style.

dude, that sucks, i tell him, as being the main character of the story entails me to do, but you didn't have to cut him off, make out like it never happened and that you were nothing, guess you didn't need that though, now he's just somebody that you used to know.

thanks for your awesome words totally not stolen from a one-hit wonder, daddy brayden, says hayden, groveling at my feet like the groveling groveler he is. groveler ain't even a good pokemon, just a rock with hands and legs. how come geodude has no legs and two arms, then groveler four arms two legs, then golem two legs two arms? kinda sus and weird he justs gets and loses two arms for shits and giggles.

shits and giggles! that's a great nickname for ayden. oh, i'm gonna burn him when i see him next!

but i had to cut him, says hayden, for his own good. sometime, i think he thinks everything is a battle for survival, for good an evil, and it can he exhausting. you can't treat every bump in a relationship like it's the end of the world, you know? eventually, you get burned out, tired of fighting. i love ayden, i really do. his soul is a gentle one, and one i can see myself grow old with, eating icecream under a tree in our back yard while our grandchildren scurry about, playing with eachother. I just want him to be a partner that's there for me when there's a problem, not a partner who tries to solve every problem for me. that's why i want him as a partner, not a parent.

fat chance, hayden. earth's gonna die before that. people don't wanna listen to global warning, and mother nature is a cruel bitch, slowly roasting us to death. trees will be a thing of the past soon. i wonder how much time we can play with mother nature until she flips the gameboard and we are knees deep in shit?

and, like, all of a sudden, the earth starts to quake! if only there was a word for when the earth quakes, we will never know. maybe in a dictionary. do we have a dictionary in the house? shit, i can't read. i need a dictionary audio book. i wonder if there's one on audible.com.

i take my iphone, 'cuz only plebs have android, got forbid a, ugh, xiaomi, and look for it, only to find i don't have wifi?! what in the name of sweet baby jesus riding a harley davidson motorcycle with pete davidson and harley morenstein eating barbecue tacos with sweet baby rays sauce? I have, like, ten routers! we even have a wifi room! no matter, i'll switch to data and--no data? how? i have an unlimited data plan! verizon, this is the last time you fuck me! i'm switching to at&t. No, sprint! they know how to service a daddy!

just then, a green leafy thing made out of leaves hits me! in the face! bitch, you know how many moolah i spend in skincare to be bitch-slapped by foliage of all things?!

wait a second, i don't have plants in my room! something smells fishy! wait, we are past the fish room! what the--

oh, wait, nvm. i'm being carried by hayden like an old rug in a rug market place, thingy. why, tho?

hey numbnut, i ain't a rug, i'm people! i tell hayden. he has a hand in my butt. he trying to cop a feel? i know i have an exceptionally rotund bottom, but ain't no time to appreciate it!

there's an earth quake going on! he yells. looks like he doesn't know the word for when the earth quakes either. must be one of those obscure words like coyote, or supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.

so? i ask him. well, he answers, you were standing there, fiddling with your phone, not evacuating, so i have to carry you!

silly hayden, evacuating means shidding. i'm not you ex-boyfriend, shidding and farding all over.

i would tell him to put me down, but his body working as meat shield between the earth quaking and me works wonders. looks like a heavy quake, too. the lamps move back and forth, flickering like a rave, and here i am without a tab in my tongue to enjoy it. a listerine tab, kids. don't do drugs. there ain't enough around for all of us.

are those cracks i see on the walls? shit! i hope my house don't fall down. i have quite the panic! at the disco memorabilia amassed in the panic room. why aren't we going into the panic room? it's a room for panic stuff, and i'm panicking skywalker over here!

at least we are near the exit now. jungkook and harry are standing by the door, looking strong and fetching. but their faces ain't that bussin. in fact, no cap, they look kinda pale, fr, fr. what's the deal?

and hayden stops just short of exiting the door, to boot! this house is going down, fam, i tell him. let's skiddaddle skoodle out of here, dog!

hayden, instead of being a good horsie and just with me into the sunset, sets me down gently. the vibration of the floor makes my asscheeks clap. be more rough, you meanie. what are you doing, i tell him, ride, you fool!

but no, all he does is point with his sausage fingers outside. i don't think i can, he says.

well, i see the problem now. there's no floor. or sky, for that matter. just an empty void, as voids tend to be. a few islands of crumbling rocks here and there, a swirling mass of black energy swallowing everything above us, like the sun and starts, mingling about. a typical monday mood, tbh. also, i'm not a sky knowledgeable person, but i don't think this is normal.

what the fucking fuck? asks hayden, and yeah, same. this is really going to bring down the land value, given that there's no land to speak of. good news, though: the quaking stopped! hurray!

bad news: i think mother nature finally said "fuck it" and flipped the game board. i told you it would happen!

woof bark, whine something something, says scooby, releasing his sexy leathery wings and taking off into the sky. damn, he would look swell in assless chaps.

suddenly, the floor beneath us, as floors tend to be, starts to crumble away into the void! the door, part of the wall and ceiling, and even a few steps of the staircase goes with it. daddy is going to kill me if he finds out an eldritch void ate part of the foyer. quick, pin this on someone else!

jungkook, this is all you fault! i say. yeah, nice save, brayden. god, i'm such a sassy bitch.

yes, boss, all my fault, boss! he says. i should give him a raise.

hayden grabs me once again and sprints back up the stairs. we gotta find a safe place, now! he yells. i look back to see the stairs crumbling underneath our feet. jungkook is gonna be in so much trouble!

let's see, a safe place. we don't have much of them here. daddy says that safe places are leftist propaganda designed to weaken the youth of today. he doesn't even use moisturizer, for christ's sake! and the man needs it.

unluckinaly for us, we don't have many rooms to choose from. as soon as we run past the c-rooms, i can see with my beautiful soft-boy eyes that there ain't shit past the "diclofenac room." now how i will treat my sexy migrains? all there is beyind that is stupid scooby flapping his wings.

something something, everything breaking, bark, he says. no shit, sherlock! we can see that! totally not bussin. i have to invite him in again, and as soon as he steps into the ledge, it gets swallowed by the void.

damn, void. what that mouth do?

brayden, you sexy bastard, find us a new room where i can adore you feet, now! says hayden.

i turn back, and all the rooms a to b have been swallowed.

there's only one room safe enough to hold us all, and sadily, i think it might be the worst room of all.

time to go into... the ballroom.

are you sure about this, boss? asks harry. if we go in, we might--

bitch, i'm too pretty to die! i yell at him. go in, and may god have mercy on our souls.

hayden smashes through the door, which, rude, it was already open, to find the biggest room in the house completely shrugged in darkness. dunno why darkness shrugs, and if darkness doesn't care, either will i. honestly, at first glance, there's nothing weird about the ballroom. it's a room for balls, pretty spacious, hardwood floors, the works.

all except for the covered up hole in the middle of the room protruding like a water well where soft moanings come from.

just try to ignore it.

brayden, says hayden, what's with the moaning water well in the middle of the ballroom?

try to ignore it, i say. besides, we have more problems to face, like how my dad is gonna jungkook when he discovers he summoned a cosmic horror.

i said i was sorry, said jungkook. boy, is he gonna get a whipping!

no, seriously, what the fuck, asks hayden.

something breaks through the sky place thingy, you know, the wall on top, and falls to the dancefloor with a thud. good thing it didn't break the well lid. we would've been boned.

but fuck! my sky-wall! there's a replica of the sixteen chapel up there! now we gotta rebuild it to look like the seventeen chapel. the worst chapel. can't even find a google image of it.

that's the last thing on my mind right now, as it is the last thing i just told you about, because my madenment turns into puzzlement to see that what fell from the sky-wall is no other than ayden. and that fizzy-haired girl, lee vazquez.

somehow, i'm feeling my protagonist powers... disappear. wait, i feel a pov change!

son of a bi