A/N: Hey peeps! Creepy Uncle Sam here. Just wanted to share this incredibly adorable fan art by _Maripqxd of Okayden! Go give her some love. She's _paula_mq__ on Instagram!

Hey, remember when this story was about four buds opening a school club? Good times. How we came from there to being tied up god knows where is a thing of legendary stupidity, and I blame Brayden for this.

"why are you tying me up, step-half-twin bro?" says Brayden, stripped naked save for his undies, in the most stupid thing the author of this cursed story conjured from his mind.

Dark Brayden grabs the sock from my mouth and puts it in Brayden's mouth. Ew, but also, thank you. But mostly ew.

"There. You look better when you shut your trap," says Dark Brayden.

I spit out a wad of lint and regret, catching my breath, which was about to fall off. "Step-half-twin bro? What in the Telemundo bullshit is this?"

Dark Brayden takes the sock out of Brayden's mouth and shoves it back into my mouth. I can feel Brayden's cold saliva. It tastes just like the kimchi cannoli I munched at earlier. Yep, definitely gonna barf soon.

"No talking now, Kitten."

"Kitten?" says Hayden, tied to a chair next to me. Well, was tied to a chair. He flexes with the might of a thousand Terry Crews and snaps the ropes right off, standing up. "Nobody calls my man kitten but me!"

Two huge pepperoni salami hands grab him by the shoulders and shoving him back onto the chair, binding him with duck tape. It has little ducks painted on them. I silently mouth "shoulder spikes" to him.

"Relax, big guy," he says, taking the sock out of my mouth and putting it in Hayden's. His face looks like he's about to puke as well.

"half-step-twin bro, if this is revenge for that one time i changed your shampoo for bull milk as a prank because i know you're vegan," says Brayden, "well, get over it. it was a dope prank."

Dark Brayden grabs a chair and sits on it backwards facing Brayden. He grabs his cheeks with one hand and squeezes it hard. "You ingracious half-wit. Bulls don't make milk."

"of course they do!" says Brayden. "i milked it myself!"

"Well, you dimwit, I hate to break it to you, but you jerked off a-"

"No, seriously. What's this about a half-blood prince and shit?" I say in a vain attempt to change the subject, and fast. Very fast.

The sock comes out of Hayden's mouth and into mine. I'll need a glass of isopropyl alcohol chased by a shot of Listerine after this.

"well, daddy only wanted one of us," says Brayden. "so he chose me, the first born, and gave bro for adoption. then he married his mother, and he's my twin, so."

"That's not how half-brothers work, though," says Hayden. The sock goes right on his mouth again.

"Hey, you skipped me! i wanna have my mouth stuffed too!" says who the fuck do you think?

"Enough!"

Everyone quiets down, surprisingly. He pulls his hair back with his fingers in that sexy bad boy way and begins to unbutton his shirt. "I only have one sock, so behave and shut up."

Nobody says anything, and we continue to say anything. That's the fun thing about anything, it happens whether we like it or not. What is happening is that Dark Brayden, or Braiden, as Brayden just said, is stripping down.

"seriously, the fuck you doing, half-step-twin bro?" says Brayden, as he sees, just as we all see, Braiden is putting Brayden's clothes on. Too many B's, if you ask me. Which you didn't. Dick.

"You're as dumb as youre thick, brother of mine," says Braiden, putting on te white trouser pants things.

"i am dummy thicc, yes," says Brayden.

Braiden finishes putting on Brayden's hat, giving us a coy smile. Or maybe it's a smirk? That, I don't know. "That you are. That, you are. Tell me, did it ever occur to you that it was suspicious that father didn't know anything about your girl, even though he supposedly was the one who orchestrated this whole affair."

"no."

"Yes," I say.

"Mhmmm," says Hayden, with a sock in his mouth. I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that it's a yes for him as well.

"See? Even the peanut gallery caught on."

"but i'm allergic to peanuts!"

"Didn't you eat a peanut butter and onion sandwich last season?" I add.

"yeah, but that's peanut butter. made out of peanut milk. it's like how vegetarians drink milk but don't eat dairy."

Hayden, surely fed up with all this b.s, spits out the sock and takes a deep breath. "That's not remotely the same! And that's not how peanut butter is made. How you do even milk peanuts?"

"carefully, and gently. like milking a bull."

"Brother, you weren't milking that bull. You were jerking it-"

"I said, enough!" says Braiden, being all a dick about it. "Let me tell you a tale, little Brayden, about a man that has alway played second fiddle to a dimwitt. A man who was smarter, stronger, and more charismatic than the dimwitt, and yet, their father always chose the idiot over him. A man who left home at sixteen, built a wet wipes empire to rival his father's toilet paper one, and became a self-made millionaire before twenty, all to make his father proud and show him that he, and not his idiot twink of a brother, is the one that should be head of the family."

"No, thank you," I say. "You kinda spoiled the whole thing there."

"What? No, I didn't"

"Yes, you did," says Brayden. Wait, no, I say. Damn, too many people talking. "You got an inferiority complex. We get it."

"yeah, you got a small wee-wee," says Brayden.

"That's not what an inferiority complex means," I comment.

"oh, dip? because that's the most complex thing he has on his inferior."

Braiden slaps Brayden in the face, loud enough to make his goons recoil from pain with an audible oof. "Shut your mouth, you little waste of space. You have always been the bane of my existence."

"but i don't even like batman!"

That earns him another slap with the same backhand of the first. "Seriously, what does father see in you that he's willing to put the entire fate of the Kimchi-Cannoli family on your scrawny shoulders. But it matters not. I can use your idiocy against you. And I have. For you have fallen into the clutches of my plan. An easy plan at that. You see, I-"

"You're going to impersonate Brayden at the wedding, make the girl marry you and take control of the family by uniting your wet wipe empire, the toilet paper business, and whatever the fuck Y/N is all about," I say. "Am I right?"

The man looks stunned. Flabbergasted, even. "I... yes. Yes, that's right."

"So cliche," I say.

"Textbook evil twin cliche," says Hayden.

Braiden gives another high five at Brayden's face, sounding like an Indiana Jones whip effect.

"ouch-ies! what did i do?" asks Brayden.

"Sorry, force of habit."

"you're not sorry."

"No, I'm not," says Braiden with a smirk. "Now, you're going to stay here with my two associates, Jin," he says, pointing at the mustachioed Jungkook, "and Juan," he continues, pointing at the mustachioed Harry

"I'm sorry, Juan? Not Louis, or Zayn, or Niall?" That's honestly anticlimactic. We had a nice theme going.

"Juan Direction," he says in a deadpanned voice.

This is the best joke of the whole book and it took the author two seasons of set-up to make. Pack it up, nothing to see here.

"Well, I would love to stay here and play with my kittens, but I have pre-wedding thing to attend," says Braiden, standing straight before clearing his voice. "Let's practice my Braydeneese first. Sup, I'm Brayden, I'm 22 and I never learned how to multiply."

"too forceful," says Brayden, leaning back and rocking in his chair. "be more soft, as if you are carefully kissing the most beautiful girl in the world on the neck and whispering soft nothings in her ears. like donut holes."

Braiden straightens up again, punching his chest twice. "hey, i'm brayden, and i'm kind of a little bitch."

"better!"

"Brayden, don't help the enemy!" I yell.

"sorry."

"No, you're not," I correct.

"no, i'm not," he says with an obnoxious giggle.

"Well, gentlemen. I would say it's been a pleasure, but it hasn't. My associates will make a small cocktail that will help you sleep until the coast is clear. Toodles!"

And with that, he leaves, leaving us in a left state of leftness. Jin and Juan go towards a table and begin to tinker with some vials and pointy things. It leaves us just enough time to try and formulate an escape plan. Time to get things in motion.

"Hayden," I whisper towards my dashing companion. "I hope this is a part of your plan to get me back to school and into the club, and you somehow have everything under control."

"Brother, I don't even have my own life under control," he says with a dour look. "My plan was to bake a wedding cake and ask Goro to pull some of his influences, given that he's poured a shit-ton of cash to keep this precious little idiot from getting tossed away."

"hey!" exclaims Brayden, shimming towards us. "i'm not an idiot. i'm differently challenged. if we are talking about idiots, ayden takes the cake. he's the reason the club was disbanded!"

"Wait, disbanded? Hayden told me you just lost the club room!"

"Brayden, zip it!" yells Hayden, shimming forwards to block me off from Brayden's line of sight.

"no, i'm not a handbag to zip it! when he fucked up, we were down to four, and other aiden simply left after that, leaving us at three, and we had to disband the club!"

Wait, what? There's no club? Then, what's the point of me returning? What's the point of all this?

And most important of all, why did Hayden lie to me?

That's the last thing that crosses my mind before I get injected on the neck, making me fall asleep. Any moment now. Yep. Waiting to sleep.

C'mon, sleep. Come now.

Oh, oh!

Wait, no. Fuck.

Hold on, yes. Now, I sleep.