Song: So, Ed Sheeran

Zanthus' POV

I wake up at a tapping noise, on I'm not quite sure where it's coming from. I raise my hands to the back of my eyes and attempt to rub the sleep out of them as best I can. My back is aching and I feel more uncomfortable to normal.

It's only when I truly awaken from the delirious haze that I take in my surroundings and I realize I'm still in my car. I vaguely remember passing out at some point during my attack. It's not an uncommon attribute of my attacks, though it has been two months and some since I actually fainted from anxiety alone.

The tapping is now clear as it rings through my ears, and I am now able to identify it as one coming from the window beside me. I look up to find an unhappy yet concerned looking Xander culprit of my waking. I can't help but feel a bit more at ease to know Xander was here with me, though also not at all because I already am aware he's going to demand an explanation.

I sigh to myself, certainly not mentally prepared to go over the belongings of last night's' events, but I truly never will be. It's best for me to get it out now rather let the wound sit open on my own. I wipe the damp remnants of anxiousness from my palms of my jeans and proceed to grab the door handle, which Xander takes as an indication to step back, allowing me room to free myself from the vehicle I spent the night in.

The minute I get a foot on the ground I feel myself being enclosed in the familiar arms of my eternal best friend. I'm a bit taken back at first because I really don't know why he's hugging me so firmly to himself when he saw me just yesterday.

Despite this, I find my half a brain to react and wrap my arms around him, welcoming the long overdue comfort I desperately need. It's not until I taste the salt of my own tears that I realize I'm crying. More so, it's not until I feel Xander holding me at an almost bone-crushing extent that I recognize the body shaking tremors rolling from me.

Xander doesn't comment on the fact that I am proper falling apart in his arms but just holds me tighter by the second. I can barely hear the words he's murmuring into my ear, he sounds as if he's underwater, everything does.

My breathing picks up and my chest starts to restrict and I can't help but cry more knowing I am breaching another attack. Why can't I just be normal? Why can't I just suffer from the average issues of every other bloody eighteen-year-old boy? Why do I have to live this way?

Why do I have to be so messed up?

I fear that I may end up fainting again if I go on how I am. My face is undoubtedly drenched in tears, I can't catch hold of my own breathing, aching heaves are meeting my body and they're getting worse by the minute. It's so exhausting, so uncomfortable, painful even.

"Remember that one day, back in primary school. We were just seven, so it was year two. We had been asked to make a drawing of something that was important to you, and write a few sentences about whatever it was." Xander speaks softly, one of his arms now released a bit from me and rubbing soothingly up and down my back.

"Everyone drew their cat, their dog, favourite foods, all sorts of things like that. It's quite waggish when remembering the fact that you and I ended up drawing each other." He says to me, a small chuckle falling from his lips interrupting his story momentarily. "You wrote about how you thought my shoes were cool and I was good at football, even though I was absolutely rubbish. You said you loved me and you would be my best mate forever." He continues and I can't help the fondness that spreads in my chest at the memory.

"I wrote and said you were like a superhero even if you didn't think so. I said I loved you and your bad jokes weren't really that bad. But we both know that's absolutely incorrect as well." He laughs a bit and a choked one comes from me as well. "In my last sentence, I promised that we'd be brothers until the day we died." He adds on as his tone turns a bit heavier to before.

"There's not a single day that I haven't thought about the truth of that statement, Zanthus. You're my brother, you have been since you came into this earth and you will be until you leave it. I'll be damned if I allow you to go one day without you knowing how important you are." Xander says gruffly, and by this point, I've calmed down enough to tear accompanied hiccups are all that are gracing my body.

"You're not just some mate of mine that I'm going to part ways with as the days add up," Xander states as he pulls back a bit, hands now firmly gripping my shoulders. "You are my brother. You may not be my blood but lord knows you might as well be. You are one of the most important people I've got. I'm here for you every second no matter you like it not." He says pointedly, giving me a bit of glare to solidify his words.

We stay silent for a bit, both of us staring back at the other. It's not awkward, like some may put it, it's rather comfortable really. He's here, and he's made it clear he's here, that's all that I need right now. I just need someone to be here for me.

"Let's go sit outback yeah?" Xander proposes which I silently nod to, earning a smile from him before he sets us off.

He puts a guiding hand on my lower back while I place mine around his back and just below his shoulders, which is a habit we've had since we were little when we walk with each other. It's not odd in the slightest, really. We've always been extremely close to one another. As Xander said, we've always been brothers, and we always will be.

It's a quiet walk, the chirping of birds and hums of nature fill the air naturally. It's not too warm out, but to our luck, it's not too cold out either. That's a blessing, considering were in London and heading into November soon.

Once we've made it to our destination, Xander sets himself down in the middle of the grass. I comply and sit beside him immediately. The silences continue, and I'm sure he understands I'm not quite ready to speak yet, that I'd like to ride out the carefree air for a bit.

"Do you remember that time back when we were about, what, four, possibly five? I had just learned how to 'properly' play footie, and I was incredibly chuffed about it." Xander begins to talk, though he keeps his eyes focused on the view in front of us rather turn my direction. "I came over to your house and we were in your backyard. I sat you down here and told you to watch me. I'd talked myself up of course because I mean, why wouldn't I." He continues, and a small titter comes from me at his comment.

"I proper face planted, Zanthus. You remember that? I was running to get the ball since I had kicked it across the field, but of course, I overestimated how far I would have to go for it. Inertia was not my friend at that moment. The second my foot was propped on top of that bloody football I was done for." He finishes off, and I can't help but find myself laughing wildly at the memory.

"Th-that's-" I start through my fit, but am quickly cut off as Xander sends a shove my way resulting with me falling onto my back.

"It's not funny, you twit!" He exclaims though I can certainly hear the smile in his voice as he says this. "Dad was out here too, do you recall that part? He laughed at me, Zanthus, he proper laughed at my humiliation! Way to traumatize a little boy." He grumbles begrudgingly, and I can't help but laugh even more at how genuinely upset he sounds when talking about it.

Soon I hear Xander begin to laugh along with me, another shove comes my way but it doesn't do much considering I'm already flat on the ground. I feel Xander lay beside me, mirroring my position as he does so. Our laughs die down after a bit, and it's back to the light silence it had been before the incredibly reminiscing over Xanders' premature footie skills.

"Alright then." I hear a sigh come from beside me following those words. "Would you like to tell me what got you so worked up earlier? Further to that, would you like to tell me why I found you asleep in your car?" He asks me, though his tone has still got a soft approach to it despite him clearly being on edge.

I reach under me and grab my phone from my back pocket, thankful it didn't slip out in the car. I can feel Xanders' eyes on me as I lift it so it' above me, watching my moves intently. I open it quickly with my fingerprint and head to notes, opening a new one and ready to type out everything I've got to say.

Before I can even get a letter down the impromptu speaking tool is being ripped from my grasp. I turn my head to give Xander a rightful glare, though he appears already sending one my way as he's propped up upon his elbow.

"There is not a fucking chance that I'll let you use this," He lifts my phone up in his free hand a bit harshly, "To communicate with me." I can practically feel the anger radiating off his form.

I let out a pleading whine, much like a dog really, though my antics don't affect Xander in the slightest. He simply takes my phone and tosses it well across the lawn from where we are sat. Once he turns back to me, he just shakes his head.

"No, you'll use your bloody voice when you talk to me, and you know I won't settle for anything less. I'm not risking falling back into another two years of you're silence." He lets out, tone still firm while he speaks.

"I need you to talk to me Zanthus. Proper talk to me." Xander says softly, reaching out to place a comforting hand on my shoulder.

I close my eyes, taking a breath before hesitantly nodding in acknowledgment to Xanders' needs which he'd presented. After I've gathered myself as much as I can, I open my eyes again, keeping them trained on the sky as I get ready to speak.

"I wre-wrecked it a-all." I say quietly, already feeling my heart start to ache as the flood of memories from last night all come crashing down at once.

"That's a start," Xander comments warily, indication for me to expand on my blunt statement.

"My ch-chances with A-Angel. The d-date. I a-a-ab, I a-abs-ab" I let out a frustrated groan as I can't seem to get such a simple word out, tugging at the roots of my hair for some solace of sorts.

"Stop that." Xander takes my hands from my hair and brings them back down by my sides, giving me a pointed look before letting go entirely.

"I'm s-such a g-git." I gripe, which only gets me a punch in the gut from the lad whose sitting next to me.

"Fuck up, Zanthus. I'll hit you harder next time. Come off it and explain. Take your time, you know I prefer it." He tells me, and I just grumble in compliance as I rub the spot he punched me a bit more dramatically than necessary.

"A-Alright." I start off, knowing already this isn't going to be the most pleasant story to relay to Xander.

I go on to explain the whole ordeal all the way from me arriving at Angel's house to me fainting in my car at I time I can't quite recall.

I tell him about how wonderful it felt to be around her. How I almost lost it when she went on that nervous ramble of hers that she may find embarrassing but I think is absolutely adorable. I told him about how well she treated me, to my surprise. I tell him about how surreal it felt to touch her skin, to hold her hand, to have on a date with me for real.

I tell him how mortified I had been when it came time to introduce myself to her brother. I told him how eminently afraid I was to even say hello. I tell him how Angel took a stand in my defense, how she let me reach for her for solace. I tell how shamefully weak I felt not behind able to explain myself, to fend for myself.

I tell him about how I drove home with a blurred vision. I tell him about how everything came back to me, all the most unruly encounters regarding my mother, the most painful memories of my life really. I tell him how I couldn't breathe, how much I was hurting, physically and emotionally.

I tell him how I cried out for help, for him. I tell him how utterly alone I felt, how alone I still feel, despite him being next to me at this precise moment. I tell him everything, not a single detail missed because god knows how much I've needed to get it all out.

Xander stays silent once I'm finished, as do I. The contrast of the fall London air against my tear painted cheeks is a bit chilling, but I'm too drained to be worried about wiping my face dry. It would really be pointless anyway, I may not be sobbing harshly like earlier but that doesn't mean silent cries aren't leaving my form.

A soft ringing noise cuts through the air, and while I immediately perk up to see what it's come from, Xander appears to be too deep in thought to pay it mind. I ultimately conclude that it's being emitted from my phone, which is across the field essentially.

It's only noticeable because the ringer is too it's maximum. I make my way over to the device, kneeling down to flip it over and examine who's calling. I am sure my heart stops when I realize who it is.

Angel.

I fumble as I decide whether or not I should pick up or not, though a voice rings through the air ultimately deciding for me.

"Take the call, Zanthus," Xander says softly from where he is now kneeled beside me, a bit behind me at that. "You can do it, yeah? I'll be here with you, there's nothing to worry about." The pure fear must have been evident in my eyes from his first suggestion. "You don't want to lose her now, no?" He adds, which hits me.

I've barely even got her. After six years I've barely even got her, I can't lose her now. I can't.

I clumsily accept the call, the lines connecting and my heart drops. It's quiet for a bit, and I wonder if she's possibly calling on accident. I can only hope she's not.

"H-hello?" Her voice cutting through the line proves my doubts wrong, and fuck all if her nervous slip of a stutter isn't precious.

I choose to give a sort of hum back in a greeting, doing my best to avoid speaking at all. I can't give her a reason to be driven away from me when she's giving me a second chance. Everything is so much more pressure filled now, I can't mess this up.

I almost lose it when I hear my name fall from her lips. It's so captivating, though every inch of her is captivating really. The apologies that she sends in my direction on Wills' behalf soon after are certainly admirable as well, I know I don't deserve them, in the slightest.

She apologizes again, the whole call is a bit awkward as it progresses but I am already aware that it's my doing. Despite this knowledge, I'm far too afraid to speak up and break the underlying tension.

"I was wondering if you'd possibly like to come over tonight? I-I know things didn't go anywhere near close to plan yesterday, and I thought it would be nice to give it another go if you're alright with that." Her proposal takes me back entirely.

I'm essentially frozen, the words replaying in my head already, loud and clear. I look up to see Xander who's got his eyes wide as he hastily mouths 'Say yes', and I am just about to take his advice before I realize what I'll be truly getting myself into.

"Sorry." I quickly let out in a mortifying whimper before hitting the red button in front of me to end the call.

"Zanthus." Xander starts calmly, but a sob ripping from my throat cuts him off before he can speak any further.

"I ca-can't talk t-to her, X-Xander!" I exclaim as I throw the phone I had been gripping tightly down to meet the grass and let my arms drop limply beside me. "Sh-she'll hate me f-for it. She wi-will! I'm s-s-so r-re-" I'm surely aware Xander isn't pleased by me right now, yet that doesn't hinder him from wrapping his arms around my shoulders and pulling me into him.

"Quiet then. I won't let you finish that." His voice is firm as it interrupts me, but not too loud considering he's so close to my ear he doesn't need to be.

"M-mum was r-ri-right about m-me." I cry defiantly to his wishes, though nonetheless I hold myself tighter to Xander in a desperately seek of comfort.

"She wasn't, she bloody wasn't, Zanthus." I can tell easily that he's struggling to hold his composure. "You've got nothing wrong with you. You really haven't. You've got to believe me on this, see yourself how I do, how dad does." Xander reasons with me, but I am adamant he's just saying all of this to make me feel better about myself.

"H-how do you s-s-see me then? An-anxious? D-depressed? Weak? I-Inc-Incompetent? S-someone who ca-can't get o-over his pa-past? P-poor fucking Za-Zanthus, am I?" I push Xander away and bring my hands to tug a bit harsher to what's alright at my hair.

"Zanthus that's not-" He begins to interject as he grabs my hands quickly and tugs them down from my head, but I'm too far gone to pay him much mind.

"A-a fucking wr-wreck, th-that's what I-I am. Fu-fucking wo-w-worthless. Ha-haven't got any va-valuable qu-qualities. I'm j-just a m-mi-mistake." Xander just sits quietly as I rant as if he's waiting to be sure I've gotten it all out of my system.

"I-I'd be be-better off d-dead." I can't hold back.

A certainly embarrassing whimper comes from me at these words, tears easily streaming down my face. I feel Xander squeeze my hands at an almost painfully tight measure, though the pressure is undeniably comforting.

Xanders' body is quick to crash into my own, nearly knocking the wind out of me in the process. At first, I think he's pummeled me, though when I feel his death like grip around my neck and his head resting on my shoulder I know he's gone for a hug. The weight of this embrace feels almost as if it's not just for me, but for him as well.

"I can't believe you've got the fucking audacity to say such a thing, Zanthus." Xander breathes out, his grip only growing tighter by the second. "I can't, I-I-" He can't seem to continue, and I soon realize why when I feel wetness greeting my neck.

Xander is crying. Xander is crying because of me.

I embrace him just as tightly once I realize this, if not tighter. I try my best to keep strong for him, to be his comfort like he's been too many times to be counted. My motives almost immediately fail, though he doesn't seem to mind as he just cries along with me.

"Don't ever dare say something so," He chokes on his words a bit, "so absurd ever again, do you hear me? Don't you dare," His voice is shaky as he speaks, and he takes a breath to level it I assume. "Don't you fucking dare!" His tone is firmer, louder in a sense, though his actual voice comes out weak, shrill almost.

"Don't. Don't. You can't-don't, please," I can't help but feel my heart strain at the sound of Xander begging me, literally begging me through his cries.

"I-I'm s-so-sorry." My voice is strangled when it comes out, so quiet that it's barely there.

Xander pulls back to look at me as he shakes his head quickly. "You haven't got a thing to be sorry for. I know, I, it's not your fault. It's not, but it still hurts. Seeing you hurt so deeply bloody hurts, Zanthus." He's gathered himself enough so his tears are now drying amongst his face and his breaths are still erratic, but much less to before.

It's hushed between the two of us, the only sounds heard are the muffled ones from our surroundings and the occasional sniffle on my end. I don't know quite what to say, so I settle for picking at the grass beside me and finally succeeding at calming my rivers of tears from flowing. Now I'm just sat waiting for Xanders' next words to come. If he has any, that is.

"Here's what's going to happen." Xander suddenly speaks up dragging my wandering attention back to him.

He's no longer shaky or poor looking in the slightest, the only reminder that he had been falling apart minutes ago is the red haze around his eyes. He's composed now, to say the least, gracefully. That's always been a skill of his, pulling himself together rather quickly, one which I admire and wish I had.

I don't doubt I look nothing short of a mess at this moment.

"You're going to get up, and you're going to-well first you're going to get some shut eye and clean yourself up because you look like a proper mess at the moment-oi!" He protests when I shove him a bit roughly at his comment, but the roguish smile on his face says everything he fails to.

"T-twat," I mutter as I try to keep a level glare on, but with Xander beaming at me like an eight-year-old boy it's a task far from attainable.

"Yeah, yeah. Heard it all before have I." He pops his eyebrows a bit as he dusts his clothes down before straightening himself up a bit.

"Anyways, as I was saying before I was rudely interrupted," I simply flip him the bird, earning a small laugh. "As I was, once you're all rested and fit again," He truly can't hold back from taking the piss any chance he gets. "You're going to get in your car, the one I found you asleep in this morning, remember that one?" He's quick to avoid my punch this time, a smug look on his face as he does so.

"G-get on w-wi-with it." I insist, even though we're both aware I'm not truly upset with his joshing.

"Right, patience lad. Stop barging in and I will, thought of that have you?" Xander mocks, not failing to have me roll my eyes at his juvenile antics.

"Fuckwit." I'd really like to know what's going to happen, considering it's pertaining to me.

"Prat." He levels my detest to him. "You're going to get in your car, and your going to Angel's house in the morning and pick her up for sixth form like a proper gentleman, the one which you are. Don't even attempt to bug your way out of this one, you haven't got a chance. I'll proper drag you there tomorrow myself if it comes to it." There's truly no room for objection at Xander's demand, once he's set on something he'll carry it out no matter what measures he may have to reach. I've been a witness of this firsthand since childhood.

"Sh-she won't e-even want to s-s-see me." I can already feel the familiar weight in my eyes at the reminder of this, of Angel.

"You're so thick sometimes, Zanthus, it bowls me over." He feigns exasperation, his eye roll award winning. "She went and asked you on a date, a proper date and you don't think she'll want to see you?" I feel my shoulders deflate even more at the mention of this.

"I s-said no, sh-she p-probably hates me n-now." I mumble as I do my best to distract myself with the grass in front of me. "I-It was like-likely pity any-" A sound similar to a mix of a howl and a groan emits from Xander beside me.

"Stop that. When are you going to understand that you're worth something? That people would actually like to be around you because it's pleasing? When are you?" He scolds me, resulting with me doing my best to shrink further into myself.

I'm silent for just a bit.

"I-I can't s-s-see it." I'm sure my tone is just breaching a whisper with how Xander leans in just slightly as I speak.

"Let her show you then." Xanders' response is almost immediate, and I won't lie and say it doesn't throw me off a bit.

"W-w-wh-, I-" I sputter out like the absolute mess I am, not having any sort of valid defense or thought against Xanders' words.

"Well you said you can't see it, didn't you?" I nod meekly at his proposal. "Well, why not let her show you then? It's obvious she's got something for you, Zanthus, anyone with eyes can see that." His smile is genuine when he says this, not badgering or anything of the sort. "So what's stopping you from letting her show you?"

"I..." I fade off because I really haven't got an answer for Xander, and the way he smiles brighter at this lets me know he's aware I don't, that he's paved way for me to cave.

"You haven't got anything to be afraid of, Zanthus." He scoots himself a bit closer until he's right beside me, throwing an arm over my slumped shoulders. "I know it's hard for you to trust, but I really don't believe Angel will ever be one to hurt you. There's just something about her, I can't quite explain it. She's become genuinely smitten with you in just a week, that says something. You don't find that on the daily, the both of you click whether you want to admit it or not." Xander nudges me a bit, his words offering little solace to calm my rapidly beating heart and a stomach full of nerves.

"W-what if your w-wr-wrong." My voice comes out weak, it's certainly shaky but Xander doesn't comment on it, just squeezes me lightly.

"I mean when am I ever wrong? But yeah, I'll give you complete rights to sack me." He teases lightly, surprisingly earning a small laugh from me. "Truly though, Zanthus. I wouldn't advise you to something that I didn't believe was right for you. You know that don't you?" I nod mutely to his words again, swallowing as I take all of his words in.

"You owe it to yourself to give her a chance, Zanthus. You owe it to yourself to put yourself out there, to take a step out of the comfort you've been wrapped in for years. You owe it to yourself to let yourself be cared for by others." I lean further into Xanders' embrace, unable to stop the tears streaming down my face quietly for the nth time in the past twenty-four hours.

"You owe it to yourself to accept who you are, to see how much you're worth, don't you agree?" A whimper emits from me at his words, but again Xander doesn't mention it and simply holds me tighter to him. "You said it yourself, Zanthus. You can't see it." He takes a shaky breath to aid his composure before continuing on. "It's not your fault, it's not, but that doesn't change the fact that you can't see any of it." My tears don't stop, just as Zanthus doesn't stop pulling me impossibly closer to him while he speaks up once more.

"Let her be the one to show you."