To all of my beautiful babes out there, happy National Coming Out Day. Whether your out to others or simply out to yourself, you are so strong. All my love is with you, always. xx

Always, 76k? The last chapter I was thanking you for 70k, I can't believe how fast they're building up. You all inspire me so so much, thank you for the kindness you give me. I sort through ever notification I get from you all, even if they're hundreds a day. You are individually so important to be. Enjoy this chapter.

This is a chapter in Xander's POV that showcases his and Jax's relationship, per high demand. Hope you enjoy it. It was a special one for me to right, for many reasons. Close to the heart-hits home.

The regular chapter following where the story picks up with Xander & Angel will be up tomorrow!

Song: Friends, Ed Sheeran, Don't EP

Xander POV

"Stop it. You're the worst." Jax groans as I poke his
ribcage with my foot.

"You don't mean it." I tease, poking him again.

He sighs before sitting up and facing me entirely. His hair sweeps a bit over his forehead and he reaches his fingers up to run through the fringe a few times. His fingers are peeking out of the jumper sleeves swallowing him, courtesy of me.

"D'you reckon I should get my hair chopped soon?" He pauses his fiddling to meet my now wide eyes with his own.

"No! Fuck, no you shouldn't. S'perfect, don't chop it." I blurt out, "Er-mate." I tack on and do my best not to cringe at my own statement.

Jax's eyes narrow but the hints of his smile are clear, "Right..." He drawls.

"I didn't mean to be like, weird about it or summat." I clear my throat, "I just like, I think you look nice with it as is. No need to chop it or that shit." I can feel the red burning into the flesh of my cheeks.

"I get it, Zed." Jax smiles at me.

"I thought I told you not to call me that." I cross my arms.

Jax frowns and sinks further into the couch. He mumbled something but it wasn't coherent to me, words and letters not reaching my ears. I stand up, taking the few steps necessary in order to be stood in front of him. Falling to sit next to Jax, I sigh.

"You know I don't mind when you call me Zed, yeah?" I murmur, knocking my shoulder against his. He huffs and makes a show to put space between us. "Oi, don't be like that then." I protest, situating myself again to be sat shoulder to shoulder with him.

"Don't be like that then." Jax mocks, nose scrunching up.

I roll my eyes but am ever fond of his antics. The flock of butterflies swimming happily in my stomach grows more apparent by the second. The urge to trace the lines amongst the sides of his eyes and run a hand through the roots of his hair to the tips of his fringe is almost unbearable.

"You're insufferable." I decide on in place of my less than appropriate wishes.

"And you don't actually think that." He snorts.

I couldn't begin to disagree with him. Sunshine is pouring out of him, smile blinding more so than any sun ever could. The rooms burning under his form, me following in its example. The air seems to feel thinner, as it always does when I'm around him.

"No, I don't." My tone is soft and I pray it hasn't given a glimpse into the thoughts tumbling through my head.

The room settles quietly between us. I could fill it with a million words and paint and endless away of pictures to make up what I'm feeling. But I don't. The tinge of disappointment that sits with me indefinitely is ever apparent.

"You think I'm absolutely wonderful. Brilliant. The only one your heart desires. I know, I know." The strings inside me pull a little bit in the worst way, but I wear a smile anyways.

"Course I do." I chime, earning me a playful shove.

"Tough life it is, to be me." He sighs, feigning exhaustion.

It's not long before he's choking out a stream of laughs. The cushions wrapped around him, pulling him further and further with every shake of his body. My hands itch to grab his retreating form and hold it to myself, fingertips wanting nothing more to be running over his skin.

"What?" Snaps me out of my trance (of sorts) and I'm met with a soft-looking Jax. His arms holding his torso fully submerged in the thick yellow fabric of-my-jumper. I shake my head, smile fond with a hint of desperation per usual.

"Nowt to chat about." It's near a whisper, but the small frown that encases Jax's lips let me know he's heard.

"You know I bloody hate when you do that." He huffs, pulling his arms tighter around himself.

I sigh, sitting up and leaning so my elbows are rested on my knees with hands clasped together. "M' sorry. Just things that'd bore you stiff." I try to smile but am almost positive it's not convincing by Jax's unappeased expression.

"I'd like to be bored stiff then. Cheers." He smiles wryly and I have to will myself to keep it together, to keep my feelings together.

"Erm, I'm not-" I clear my throat for no reason other than stalling time. "It's really nothing, mate. Honest."

Jax's eyes take the form of near slits. "You know I fucking hate when you when you call my mate."

My eyes take their own turn, rolling before they set back on Jax. "Christ, I'm sorry alright?" There's a bit of a fire burning under me now, undeniably. "It's a force of habit. I call everyone mate."

Jax snaps upright and turns the air around me sold with his expression, shoulders stiff. "I bloody know. That's why I fucking hate it." He near seethes, drawing a deep breath once he's finished.

My mind runs for miles at his statement. There are multiple ways his reaction could be taken. The pining piece of me hopes it's because he feels something for me. I feel alike to a fish out of the water as I try and decide what to do, what to say to him in response.

"I-" My voice wavers, eyes still swimming in the oceans of his blue ones. "Why?" I settle on, quiet enough that I can barely hear myself.

I find much more interest in my cuticles than Jax's eyes, not even sparing a second of a glance to him. My body is seeping with anxiety from head to toe, drowning in it. I want to anchor myself against the pretty blue-eyed boy sat across from me, but I know better than to take action.

Blue and greys and blacks cover me, uncertainty and fear taking a grip on my limbs. There's a river of waste sat at the bottom of my stomach, rocks lining my insides and threatening to draw me under, away from the sette I'm sat on and away from Jax.

"Don't want to bore you stiff." He bites.

I wince, eyes snapping shut while I remind myself to breathe. There's nothing but tension making up the room around me. I can faintly feel my fingertips digging into my palms in my lap but I don't check. My lungs are tied top to bottom, air hardly finding a way to me.

"Please," I whisper, the single word carrying heavier than any I've ever spoken.

I hear shuffling, and look up quickly to find Jax's eyes ready to match my own. My mind is screaming to break the gaze but my eyes are locked, key far out of reach. I hear a long sigh run from Jax's mouth, his shuffling felt by the vibrations it sends to me through the cushions.

"I'm not going to sit here and explain myself when you don't have shit to say for yourself." His words are harsh but his tone is weak.

I shake my head, hair scratching against my pounding scalp. "I'm not asking you to do that." I let out, bringing myself to level my face with his.

"Fucking hell, when did this get so brutal." Jax laughs dryly, humour clearly not intended to accompany his statement. I shrug while my teeth draw blood from my bottom lip with the pressure they're applying. "Can I do something?" He whispers, voice cracking and my head willing a nod before my brain can even begin to catch up.

"You've got to swear not to get mad though, yeah? Like proper swear." Eaves of angst roll off his tongue along with his words, and I'm muted. All I can do is nod (again). "Right then."

Jax lets out a shaky breath, slowly scooting until his thigh is pressed against my own. Our eyes are still matched with one another. Tides of blue and green mixing together and leaving me in an ever-flowing tide of cyan and shaky limbs. I want to open my mouth to ask him what he wants to do but cotton catches my tongue.

"You can't lose the plot if this goes to shit, yeah?" His face is close enough for me to count his eyelashes.

"Yeah." I return, choked up due to my shortness of breath.

"Yeah." Jax murmurs, shaking his hair out of his face with a soft jerk of his head. The hesitation on his part is clear, but I don't comment. His throat bobs as he swallows audibly, filling his lungs with a hearty breath.

The world stops when he reaches up to run a hand through my hair. My mind melts away and all rational thoughts fall to the ground. My lungs stop when he tugs on a piece lightly, the pressure it sends to my roots distributing equal shocks to the rest of me.

He reaches his other hand up, fingertips skimming my arms and drawing shivers to the surface as they touch them in their passing. They settle themselves around the back of my neck, skin burning under them. I can't tell if the red creeping onto my face is from a blush or the lack of air flowing through my blood, but I don't send much thought to it.

"Please." The noise fails to accompany the word, but Jax nods nonetheless.

"Please." He responds, but I don't read into his words too much.

He inched forward, nose brushing against mine. I let my eyes fall shut, hands instinctively moving to grip the front of the bloody yellow jumper, muscles weak to his touch but managing to pull him closer. His lips skim over mine, a touch I almost miss before it's gone. I shake my head and tighten my hold on him, hoping for my actions convey what my mouths failing to say.

"Please," Jax speaks against my lips. The pulsing of my heart rings through my own ears, but Jax's body against mine screams over its tone.

I'm drowning in bliss when his lips cry out against my own. The itch ever scratching my insides is quiet, serene and mind a mass of nothingness. My eyes are flashing golds and whites, hot light running through my veins to reach every crevice of my body. His lips which were once hesitant press firmer to mine as I allow myself to fall into him, heart and soul so full and pouring out of every pore to paint Jax's form.

"Fucking hell." He pulls away ever too soon drawing my eyebrows together and a nearly silent whine to emit from me.

"No." I smooth my hands up his chest until they're curled over his shoulders, making it easy to pull him back in.

Our lips crash together messily this time, courtesy to the current disassembly of my brain and Jax's flustered form. I can feel pools building behind my eyes, a tide ready to burst at any moment. The ground caves in when I feel his tongue run over my lips closed against his, and I race to grant him whatever access he desires now and evermore.

Herds of everything and nothing stampede around my stomach. I can feel my body grow colder in its lack of oxygen but the thought of separating myself from Jax draws a worse outcome. I want to be plastered against him forever, want his tongue to paint my mouth and his lips to lay delicately against mine indefinitely. My cheeks feel wet and there's an inch of saltiness accompanying Jax's already familiar taste, but I don't drown in any thoughts besides Jax's lips on my own.

"Christ, I never thought-" I force my head into the inviting space between Jax's neck and his shoulder, barely catching the air swimming after me. "Xander?" The concern seeping from his tone only heightens my emotions. "Love, what's wrong? Did I hurt you? Upset you? You've got to talk to me." His lips move softly over my hair as he speaks, my heart tugging at the simple touch.

I shake my head, wrapping my arms around his middle and holding tight as possible. My eyes are distinctly wet and I'm aware the floods behind my eyes have opened but I don't have half a mind to care at the moment. "No." I choke, coughing out a thick breath in follow of this.

"You're alright. I'm here, yeah? Right here, I've got you. Not letting go now, not ever." I feel myself break at these words, a less than attractive noise falls from my lips crowding his neck. "Talk to me, darling. Please?"

"I'm sorry." I force, teeth chattering and hands cold.

Jax pulls back and the lump in my throat doubles in size. He brings his hands behind him, grabbing my own and squeezing them to his. He resituates our hands so they're in between us, and I keep my eyes cast down on them.

"Sorry for what?" He's so soft when he speaks, I feel his words wrap blankets around me.

"I just-" I cough, shaking my head. "It's so much." I meet his eyes through the thin layer of my eyelashes.

His eyebrows inch closer to one another and his fingers fall loose around mine. "What's too much?"

"You, this, the kiss, all of it." My words are airy but Jax doesn't fail to understand. His nod is hesitant but it's present.

"I'm sorry?" His question seems put off, and I'm protesting his apologies before I can blink four times.

"No-No." I feel like there's not enough air in my lungs but I trudge on anyway. "Don't be sorry. Please don't be sorry. Not for that. Be sorry for anything except for that." I should feel pathetic with the soaking desperation my tone holds but I can't bring myself to. Jax is more important than that, he's more important than so many things.

"You've lost me a bit, mate." The teasing in Jax's words is exactly what I need right now.

He always knows what I need, even when I'm in the dark about what that is. I'm never uncomfortable when I'm with him. It's unfeasible, to feel out of place or on edge when I'm around him. He's like gravity, keeping me grounded, pulling me down when I'm unaware, unable to, no matter what he's always there. Jax is an inescapable force and I wouldn't want anything different.

"Mate," I mumble with a scoff, shaking my head lightly. Jax bubbles a laugh, bringing one pair of our joined hands to present a makeshift cover of his mouth. His lips dap up against the back of my hand, skin burning blue where they meet.

"Yeah, mate." He nods with no attempt to hide his smile. He's still holding my hand up in front of his mouth, and his eyes run to it once, twice. My brain short circuits (as it has many times today) when he brings his lips to wash over the flat of my hand. He pulls back with a soft smile, eyes snatching a look at me before they're drawn to my hand again.

He rains more light kisses over my hand, meeting each knuckle at least twice before he's bringing our hands back down to rest next to the others. My grip on him is tighter than it was before, but he is just the same.

"What, don't kiss all your mates like that?" His right eyebrow reaches toward the ceiling as he feigns confusion. I knock him in the gut with our hands. "Oi! Abuse!" He knocks our hands back so they hit my own gut, and I bite my lip to keep my smile from growing more than it already has.

I sigh, taking this now serene environment to get the air running through my lungs normalized. I don't have to look up to be aware that Jax is staring at me. Then again, he's never been one to hide it.

"I don't kiss any of my mates like that, just so you know." Jax's tone is lighter now, almost tense.

"You just did." I quip, but the line between it being a joke and it being serious is extremely thin.

I'm not sure where Jax stands in regards to us. I'm not certain that I am allowed to call this 'us'. I want to tell him everything outright, but something holding me back.

There are ropes tied around my eyes and there's tape wrapped snugly around my mouth. I'm screaming but it's muffled, barely there, not valid. The knots are tight and my skin burning but I can't bring myself to escape. Even though there's a button in front of me, a knife to cut their ties, it's in reach but I can't will my arms to reach for it. I'm trapped in my own personal hell, and trapped by no one but myself.

"We're not friends." His tone cuts me, it's so raw my ears feel like they're bleeding to its  symphony. I move my mouth to respond but Jax squeezes down especially hard on my hand and I stop. "Nor have we ever been." He's quieter when he says this but I feel like his words are so loud they could pin me deaf.

"What are you on about?" I whisper, speaking at normal volume seems incredibly inappropriate right now.

Jax laughs dryly, shaking his head and that sinking feeling returns to my stomach. Whether or not this will end well is a question with no answer as of now.

"We've never just been friends, Xander. We've never normal been mates, you and I both know that. Whether or not you're ready to admit that is another story, but don't you begin to tell me we've always just been mates. Don't you haven't felt the difference when it's just the two of us. You don't get to take that away from me." I want to jump to my defence and assure Jax that he's right because he is.

I want to, but I don't.

"Zed," Jax's voice is hesitant, he loosens his grip on my hand. "I don't want to push you to anything you're not ready for." He starts, and I hold his hands tighter to make up for his fleeting grip.

"I'm not, it's not like, I'm-" I shake my head and squeeze my eyes shut, searching for words yet all efforts failing me.

My heartstrings just about snap when Jax sends me a sad smile. There's water emerging from behind his eyes but he keeps it in, letting them glass over. "It's okay." He lets go of my left hand, bringing his up to meet the skin of my cheeks. His fingertips are like fuel, only adding to the fire that's burning inside me.

"No, it's not-this isn't how this is supposed to go. We kissed. We kissed and I-I'm not-" The walls of my eyes don't do much to stop the water pushing its way up and over the edges. Jax lets his thumb reach and grab the first few tears, then brings his other hand up to do the same. I press my skin harder against his hands that are cradling my face, seeking solace in the one person I always know can bring me it. "This isn't how this was supposed to go." I manage, tears racing faster.

"It's okay," His voice breaks, "Hey, hey." He applies the slightest pressure with his hands, it's grounding. "It's okay, baby." I want to reject his words and the acid taste they're bringing my mouth to produce. I want to shake my head, to shake him and tell him he's wrong, it's not okay. "Listen to me," He starts, "Listen to me yeah? We're okay, everything's okay."

He lets one of his hands wander so it's caressing the hair sat atop my scalp. I let my eyes fall shut for the nth time in the past however long I've been sitting here with Jax. It feels like we've been here lifetimes, yet I still feel like we're lifetimes away from being where I want us to be, where we should be.

"Sometimes things are scary." He ghosts a finger over my cheek. "And sometimes we're not ready to do things." His smile grows but so does his frown. "But." His fingers still, burning cold against my skin." That doesn't mean we'll never be ready for those things." I draw a shaky breath, leaning into his touch. "That doesn't mean you'll never be ready for those things."

I squeeze my eyes shut tighter if possible. My heart feels like it's ripping from the seams and being patched up all in one. Jax breath is warm against my face, still close enough that I can feel it which rips me up even more.

"We have so much time, Xander. We don't have to jump into this-whatever this is-right now." I whine in rejection of these words.

"But I want to be with you now." The words shock me as they came out of my mouth but if I stop now I know I won't be able to even begin to get out a sliver of what I want to. "I want to kiss you and I want to not be friends with you and I-" I choke out a sob.

"Zed, baby, breathe for me." I bring a hand up to cover one of his that's still cupping my cheeks. "There you go. Just like that. So good, yeah? Feels better." He hums softly, stroking my face with one of his hands.

"I want to be with you." I murmur, eyes locked on the space in between us.

Jax sighed, "I know, I know you do love. I want to be with you too." I snap my eyes up to his, confused to where he's leading us if the evidence to close the case is right in front of us. "I want to be with you, I always want to be with you." He takes a breath, oceans of blue swallowing me between his next words. "But do you want to be with you?"

My mind blanks. It blanks and I don't know what to take from that.

"What do you mean by that?" I ask incredulously.

Jax drops his hands from my face, clapping his hands together lightly. He rubbed his palms against each other a few times, filling his cheeks with air before releasing soon enough. He nods his head as he appears to run through a mental check-list before turning back to me.

"Are you okay with who you are, Xander?" My lips quirk into a frown, not following. "I'm not trying to label you as something you're not. It's just..." He sighs, "You seemed so overwhelmed with the kiss, and then you-" Shaking his head, he starts again. "I know you. I know you and I've known you for fucking years and you may get caught by the foot sometimes but I've never seen you like that. You looked terrified, Xander." My head spins.

"I am terrified." The words rush from my lips before I can decide against them.

"Terrified of what this means for you? Terrified of what this means for us?" The questions seem easy enough to answer but I know as well as Jax they're much heavier than they seem.

"Both, everything." I answer meekly, distracting my hands with the fabric of the pillow beside me.

"I don't want that." My heart fills with fear and horror washes over me as I take in Jax's words. "That, Xander. I said I don't want that, not I don't want you." My lungs spring back to action. "You shouldn't be terrified of who you are. Who you love. For us. I care about you. So bloody much. And if we have anything together, if this does turn into an us-" He motions between him and I. "I want to do it proper. I want to hold your hand and take you out and kiss you and tell you how much you mean to me every waking moment of the day-"

"Then why don't you!" My intent to sound upset-attacking even-failed miserably. My voice is as weak as the crumbling discoloured leaves scattering below the trees just outside. Wind whisking away the dust that's left behind in their place. "Why don't you." The winds already took me, and the words I speak are nothing but a barely coherent echo.

"Because I want you to be confident in us when that happens. I want you to be confident in yourself. I want you to be sure and I want you to be happy." A tear falls from Jax's eye, and then another, and another. He doesn't move to wipe them away. "You have to want to be with yourself before you can want to be with me."

The gravity of Jax's words, of his presence, pulls me to the innermost circle of the earth. My lungs are heavy but I can breathe easier than before. The skies are cloudy but my eyes see so clear. There's an abyss of blue and green in front of me and I'm not ready to jump in just yet, but I know one day I will be.

"Will you wait for me?" Warm fingers tumble over the top of my hand, grasping enough to flip it over and slip between mine. "I-I don't know how long it'll take before I'm-" I sigh sadly, "Before I'm ready." Jax nods still sat quietly. "But I want to get there. For me. I want to get there for me, and then I want to be there for you. I want to be there with you. I'm not asking you to wait for me, I know that would be unfair. But ..." He squeezes my hand, fingers indenting into my own.

"I've waited years for you, Xander." The genuine edge to his tone brings me to tears again, and I don't even begin to protest their appearance. They're beautiful this time, made up of full hearts, soft words, delicate lips and warm fingers. Jax leans forward, eyes assessing mine and unconsciously drawing a nod from me. "There's not a chance I'm letting you go after today."

I sniffle, bringing my free hand up to wipe under my nose while I squeeze my other occupied hand tighter against Jax's. There's snot and salt and stray tears, shaking hands and strangled words, a mess that makes me up. But Jax looks at me the same as he always has, and I hope he always will. "So you will? Wait for me, then?" If the blinding smile stretching over his face is anything to go by, I'm assuming it's a yes.

Gentle lips run to meet my tears, kissing the dam away little by little. Jax brings his arms up to wrap around my shoulders, pulling my form to be slotted against his one with my head against his chest. I let out a breath of relief as I bring my hands to wrap around his waist, scrunching some fabric at his back and gripping it until my knuckles ache.

I feel an array of kisses flower through my hair, some firmer than others. Jax sighs, but it sounds so different to every other time he's done that today. It sounds content. There's the familiar smile engraving its outline into the top of my head and hushed fingertips running over the tops of my shoulder and the back of my neck, periodically gravitating upwards to toy with the curly tendrils of my hair.

I've almost forgotten that Jax is yet to answer my burning question when a long kiss (one I'd wish could last forever) is pressed to my temple.

"I'll be waiting with you, Xander."