(Again, let me know your thoughts at the end! xx)

Zanthus POV, cont.

Year 10

"She's s-so pretty, Xander" I groaned, arms covering my eyes as I sprawled my body across the floor.

"Yeah, yeah, heard it all before." I cursed him out when I felt a grape hit my stomach and he snickered in return.

I rolled over so my elbows were propped up and sighed. "N-No, like, y-you don't get it."

"Think I do, love." I narrowed my eyes at him and he laughed, reaching for another grape from the bowl sat in his lap.

"What're we talking about?" Hades sauntered in, cup of tea in hand.

"How Zanthus wants to snog the days out of Angel." I squaked, sitting up quickly and throwing the pillow that was beside me at a sly looking Zanthus.

"I-I-I did not s-say that!" I scolded, throwing the grape Xander had thrown at me earlier at Hades, who had begun laughing along with Xander.

"But it's true innit?" Hades raised his eyebrows, picking up the grape and popping it into his mouth.

I laid back down, covering my eyes with my arms again as I groaned. "P-Pricks."

"Don't be a spoilsport, Z." Xander cooed.

"Just admit you want to swallow her face, you eejit. Nothing to be ashamed of."

I could feel my cheeks burning and did my best to shield the tint with my arms. It seemed of little avail, considering hushed laughs followed a whisper from Xander to Hades. I took a breath and felt a smile curl it's way onto my lips at my thoughts.

"M-Maybe a little." I started, causing both of the boys to quiet.

Xander cleared his throat. "What was that?"

"I s-said," I smiled bashfully as I sat up, letting my arms fall to my side. "Maybe I-I wanna s-snog her a l-little."

"Took you long enough, slowcoach." Hades mocked as he nicked the bowl of grapes from Xander's lap.

I fixed my eyes to meet the latter's, who appeared rather affronted. I felt a bit weary at his lack of immediate response, and was ready to say something else until I felt the air leave my lungs and found my eyes level with the ceiling.

"I fucking knew it!" The Xander shouted, laughing brightly. I coughed and flung my arms out, aimlessly attempting to push him off of me.

"L-Let up." I gasped out, squirming from his firm hold on my shoulders.

"Let up." Xander mocked, scoffing before he continued. "Like hell I'll let up. I've been waiting to hear you say that for three years, you absolute wanker."

"You're going to squash the lad, Xander. Give 'em a break." The grape Hades was chewing on muffled his words.

Xander stilled, narrowing his eyes at me before letting go from where he was pinning me down. "Fine." His tone was petulant, though he proceeded to stand and brush himself of anyways.

"Cheers." I nodded to Hades, who just hummed while he typed away on his mobile.

-

Year 11

"Sorry," I turned my head as quick as I could when I heard her voice, breath catching at the sight of her.

Seeing her more days than not the past four years hadn't done anything to help me grow accustomed to her being. Every time I saw her was like the first time, more intense even. My chest stuttered a bit, pulse stabilizing as I took a deep breath

I could never grow tired of anything about her, and I'd do the utmost to show her if she'd give me the chance.

Her eyes snapped to mine and she brought a hand up to tuck a stray hair behind her ear. I chewed down on my bottom lip, a nervous habit I could never shake, wincing a bit when a metallic seeped into my taste buds.

I wanted to say something, I wanted to say anything to her. But I couldn't, and I knew I wouldn't. I blinked faster as I felt my eyes burn, pinching the top of my thigh over my pants as a distraction.

Angel mumbled something incoherent to me before sparing me a final glance and ducking around me. I watched her as she sped towards the exit doors, not looking back to catch my staring eyes once. I wasn't sure if I was thankful or upset about that.

"Zanthus?" Maxim was standing at my side, it seemed.

"Y-Yeah." I whispered, my back hitting the wall behind me.

"You alright then?" I flicked my eyes up to the ceiling, nodding absently. "You will be," His shoulder bumped mine, and when I turned to face him properly he shot me a warm smile.

I nodded and smiled wryly at him as I tried to convince myself that his words were more true than not. He sighed, leaning his shoulder against the wall so his position mirrored mine. I flicked my eyes to the ground, feeling a bit open standing in front of him.

"I saw you, two, you know." Maxim started, and my fingers froze where they had been picking at my nails. It was quiet, the air fragile around me. "Don't strain your head about it, Z. I know that you're-" He cut himself off and shook his head for a quick second. "Just, you're a good lad okay? Don't go through the mill over something that's not true."

"What're we talking about?" Jax threw an arm over my shoulder, both startling me and saving me from having to conjure up a response to Maxim.

He caught my eyes but I shrugged and nodded over to Maxim. "About how fit Z is." He snickered, and I felt Jax's arm tighten around my shoulder.

"Yeah, yeah, would have to agree. It's true, innit? Proper gorgeous and all that." I squirmed away when he poked my cheek with his free hand, getting a hearty laugh in return. I tried to ignore the familiar empty feeling brewing in the pit of my stomach.

"Oi, let up. He's my lover, not yours." I heard Dimitri call from behind me, and groaned when Jax curled his arm three-quarters around my neck, tugging me into his side.

"Fuck up, Didi."

"Wanker! I told you not to call me that!" The impact of Dimitri's slap to Jax jolted me lightly.

"Language, Dimitri!" Maxim gasped in faux horror.

"I'm one bloody year below you all. Come off it already!"

-

Year 12

-

"What's you're fucking problem then, mate?" Cole took a less than frightening step forward, eyes set hard on me.

"You don't think you could actually win in this, right?" Xander bit back, arms crossed over his chest.

"I don't remember talking to you, Hunt." Cole sneered as he took another step closer to me. "Can't talk for yourself, can you? Always have your fucking dogs doing it for you." I ignored the side of me that wanted to wince at his comment, and the unintentional truth behind it.

Xander went to take a step forward but I shook my head at him. I stood up straighter and rolled my eyes as I caught Cole doing the same. He was inevitably shorter than me, but he stuck his chin up definitely at this apparent observation anyways.

"Deciding to be a big boy now, are you?" He smiled sharply, nothing kind in his eyes. "Should get this on bloody tape, shouldn't I?" He goaded, though to little avail.

I dug my pack of fags out of my back pocket along with my lighter. I paid no mind to Cole while I took a few steps back and propped myself up to be sat atop the bonnet of my car. I lit up, offering one to Xander as well who took the offer graciously.

"I'm not done with you, Zanthus." I took a drag while he spoke, internally groaning when he pushed his way back into my line of vision.

I glanced everywhere but him, trying to find something amusing instead of the twat in front of me. I almost choked on the smoke I had inhaled when I spotted Angel making her way down the pavement that led out of the car park.

I bit down light enough on the fag to will my hand free, which I brough up to run throuhg my hair a few times before I shook it out. I straightened my jacket, tugging nervously at the now loose tie strung around my neck.

"Is that it then? You've got a thing for that bird over there." I snapped my eyes away from Angel at Cole's words, blood running cooler.

I brought two fingers up to sit around the filter just to give my hands something to do. I hoped My hands weren't shaking like I felt they were. Cole was laughing about something one of his mates had whispered, and I watched as he sobered up before turning back to me.

"That is it then, innit? You've found yourself a nice slag to get it on with and now you're all puffed up with yourself." I felt the filter as it squished between my fingers, focusing on that rather than the rage boiling inside me.

"Fuck up," Xander muttered, tossing his fag to the ground and ashing it between the cement and tip of his shoe.

"I'm still not bloody talking to you, am I?" Cole gibed, throwing his hands up in frustration. "You're still to fucking pathetic to stand up for yourself, Zanthus. Can't even get a fucking word out." I shot my eyes back to Angel, who was much closer than before, but regretted it as soon as I did it.

Her eyes locked with mine, essentially freezing her in her spot for a few fleeting seconds. Cole matched the direction of my gaze, laughing fouly before turning back to me.

"I've got to admit, she's a bit fit isn't she? Chose a good whore, didn't you Zanthus? The lot of us might have to take turns with her later. Get a g-" It's not even intentional, the first blow I send to his face.

I couldn't find it in myself to be done so soon either, not nearly satisfied with the still too smug smirk sat on his face. Somewhere beside me Xander was shouting, at me or another I was unaware. I felt a dull ache in my knuckles after a few bashes, but only stopped when arms pulled me away from Cole.

I figured it was one of his mates, and instantly turned with alert arms ready to brawl again. Though, instead I found myself face to face with Jax, who was encouraging steady breaths as he wrapped his hands around my fists. I winced a bit as raw skin came in contact with his flesh.

"You can't just go mental on 'em in the car park, Z." I heard him mutter, stern though apparent amusement lingering in his tone.

"H-He, I-I-" I shook my head and clenched my fists tighter despite the ache.

I turned my head to spot Xander, but instead caught eyes with a rather distressed Angel. I felt my jaw drop a bit as she shook her head in the most minuscule manner. I wanted to shout to her, run to her and reassure her that it wasn't what it seemed.

She looked proper horrified, disgusted even.

I would do anything to take whatever thoughts that were running through her head about me away. I never wanted her to think of me like everyone else did. She bit her lip nervously as he huddled in on herself, practically sprinting past us and out of the car park.

Xander spotted what had drawn my silence. "Z, it's okay. You can-"

"You scare her away, Zanthus? What a shame." Cole taunted, wiping the blood from both his nose and his mouth. He stood a decent few steps away from us now. "A girl like her would ever want someone like you anyways. You're a fucking embarassment, you hear that? All you'll ever be good for is your daddy's fucking money."

He took a step forward, but threw his hands up in mock defense when Xander did the same. I put a hand up to Xander, who I knew was seconds away from jumping in to end the whole ordeal. I didn't know what drew me to do it, maybe the pleasant ache in my chest from his words.

"If I'm wrong then why'd she run away? Just like everyone else around you, isn't that it? You'll never be good enough for her to stay, Zanthus. You'll never be good enough for anyone to stay." I tried to force the air caught in my throat to move, not too fond of having a proper meltdown right here.

Cole was right, and the truth of his words sat awfully in my stomach. His outburst reminded me too much of youthful memories I would do better to forget, though I never could.

I would never be enough for anyone, the fact that was is true. Being reminded of it didn't hurt any less than I expected it would. I wouldn't cry now, I swallowed my tears and mustered up the remains of any pride I could and kept myself composed.

"Say something else." Xander walked forward swiftly until he was standing toe-to-toe with Cole. The height difference was significant, as well as Xander being much more built than the latter. I peaked up at the scene unfolding.

"Go on then." Xander spat, shoving at Cole's shoulder roughly. "You had seemed quite chuffed with yourself just then, mouthing off. Do it again, yeah?" Cole kept his glare incessant but didn't move to open his mouth. "I said do it again!" I even drew back a bit at the level of Xander's shout.

"I-" Before he could even begin Xander had knocked him to the ground, mouth set in a tight line as he stayed still as day above him.

"If I hear you say another word after today, you won't be as lucky as you are now. Have you got that?" Cole nodded silently, eyes nearly popping from their sockets as he gathered himself up and made his way off with his mates.

Xander turned to me, opening his mouth to say something but his words fell short just as soon. I shook my head, not up for talking here or now. He pursed his lip, nodding his head to the car and I complied, rolling my shoulders as I turned and made my way to the left side of the car and climbed into the passenger seat.

"See you back home." I heard Xander whisper to Jax, who nodded and gave the former's shoulder one last squeeze before he made his way towards his own vehicle. "Right then." Xander muttered, sparing me a side-eyed glance before turning the car on and shifting the gear.

If he noticed any tears streaming down my cheeks on the ride home, he didn't mention them.

-

"She'll n-never want m-me." I clutched tighter to Xander, burying my face into his form.

"That's not true, love. Not true at all." He coaxed, running a delicate hand through my hair.

"Y-Yes it is, I-I-" I bit back a sob, but both of us knew all too well I wouldn't be able to hold it much longer.

"Z, babe, listen to me alright? I know that today was awful, but you can't listen to Cole alright? You're worth so bloody much, I'll tell you everyday until you admit it to yourself." The tears ran hot tracks down my cheeks, and I didn't even bother to wipe them away.

"Y-You didn't, sh-she, I-I-" I cry fell from my lip all too easily, tremors racking through my body despite my internal protests to it all.

"C'mere, pet. 'S okay to feel upset yeah?" He hummed softly as he ran soft hands up and down my spine. His gentleness caused heavier sobs to rattle through me.

"I-I-I'm so-" I hiccuped a breath, chest heaving painfully. "P-pathetic."

Xander coddled me closer to him, whispering soft blandishments my way. "Not pathetic, not at all. It's alright to cry.Tears remind us we're alive, yeah?" I choked on another round of tears, curling helplessly into Xander's patient arms. He let me wrap the entirety of myself around him with no complaints.

"W-Why can't I-I just," I coughed, words tumbling out too quick for me to catch with. "B-b-be like y-you? I just-" My lungs felt like they were on fire and filled with water simultaneously. I hacked out some more air, or tears, it all being unclear to me in the chaos.

Xander tightened his arms around me, the weight of it grounding me a bit. "Breathe with me, love, got to breathe okay? Can't keep you like this, just follow me. Done it before haven't we?"

I did my best to follow the pattern of Xander's lung, trying and failing for the first few minutes before I began to catch a hang of it. I clung tighter to him as my wits started to come back to me, needing something to grasp for my sanity.

"There we go, yeah, yeah doing well pet. Doing so well. We'll be alright, keep breathing, yeah." I could feel my blood pressure leveling out, heart coming to a steady beat in stark contrast to what it was just before.

The tears hadn't stopped, but that was alright. I could deal with them just fine. It's not as if they're something foreign to me in the slightest.

"I-I just want t-to-" I cowered further into Xander "W-want to b-be enough."

The hollowness I felt inside weighed heavier than any pressure on my chest at that moment. I could never be enough for Angel, she deserves more than the likes of me and I would never stop being aware of it.

The inch of the flame that she'll her affections will turn around one day was impossible to drench inside of me. I couldn't let go, and that was the hardest part. I wished I could be less of myself, I could at least have a chance that way.

My affections for Angel only grow each time I try to get rid of them. Everything about her is so irresistible, inescapable. I've never encountered another girl like her, she's unparalleled in every way someone could be.

I think about her more than I'd like to. I'm more gone for her than I would admit. She's so darling, so beautiful. Everything I could ever want and could never have.

"You are so far past enough, Zanthus. You've got to know that, you've got to believe me. Even the least bit, just a start, anything. I'll bend a knee right now and tell you again if that's what it takes. I wish I could make you see it from the outside. I hate that she did this to you. I fucking hate it."

She. My mum. I haven't spoken to her since she stopped calling five months ago. I still can't decide if I'm happy that she stopped calling or not. I don't hate her, I wish I could. It would be so much simpler that way. I wish I could forget everything she did to me.

"Today was rubbish, there's no two ways about it. An awful scenario of wrong-place wrong-time. But that doesn't mean you cocked everything up. It doesn't mean that you're not worth it. Even if Angel can't see it now, it's not the end of the world. You've got to start to believe in yourself a bit as well, Zanthus. It's not healthy to be so dependent on other people's opinions of you. It's actually quite awful to live a life that way."

I kept quiet. I knew he was right, but I didn't want to fall into that reality. I liked it better when I ignored the truth. I was undoubtedly caught in a toxic cycle, seeking and relying on approval and affections from others, most prominently Angel.

I tried to believe in myself, I did, I just couldn't. No matter how many nights I spent in bed attempting to convince myself I was enough, the new truth never came. I wanted to believe it, I did, so much.

I'm tired of feeling heavily empty. Of being ashamed and afraid of whether or not I'll ever amount to anything. I'm exhausted from the constant worrying that I'll never be enough for anyone, that I'll never be enough for Angel. I'm bored of having pressing anxiety and feeling so inevitably, achingly sad.

I never want to feel like that, but I always do.

Xander ran a soothing hand up and down my back, "I really do mean that, babe. 'S not good for you, I hate seeing you this way. I know you care for her but you're more than just her thoughts, alright? She's not everything, you've got to remember that. You've got more going for you than you let yourself see."

I took a shaky breath, nodding into his shoulder. "I-I-" I didn't know what to say, but I knew I wanted to try. I'm so tired of feeling this way everyday. "Okay."

My eyes were shut tight but I could tell Xander was smiling regardless. "Time to open your eyes, alright? We'll find our way together. Always a team, yeah?" I nodded silently. He ran a hand through my hair and I pushed into the touch.

"Love you." He murmured, words slightly muffled from his chin being rested on my head.

I felt tears draw at the corner of my eyes again, but this time they weren't half as sad as before. "Love y-you too."