One step at a time.

On Sunday morning , that mantra was the only thing that stopped me from mimicking my routine from the day before. As I cleaned myself up in the bathroom, the thought of crawling back into my bed was a constant presence in my mind.

And it wasn't just because I didn't want to speak to anyone else. Seeing as my sleep pattern the night before had been so uneven, the amount of energy in my body certainly didn't inspire me to get up and get moving.

Matter of fact, if I hadn't realised that lying in bed and shutting myself off from the rest of the world would ironically get me more attention than otherwise, the only time I would have left my bed that day would have been to answer the call of nature in the toilet. After all I still had a bunch of snacks in my drawer, more than enough to keep my stomach satisfied.

Despite my realization, I still carefully listened for whether Annie was downstairs before I went there. Thankfully the person who was there happened to be Pierre, and he just greeted me and handed me a plate of food. He did stare at me a bit too long though, so I'd quickly gone back to my room before he got tempted to ask any questions.

So basically, the extent of my communication with other people that day was me sneaking downstairs to get meals from Pierre. Even though I knew that Pierre had probably let Annie know I was coming down for meals, I still decided to skip my dinner dash because I heard her door opening just as I was opening mine.

Honestly, eating is probably the most interesting activity I did that day. Considering the fact I'd only eaten about half of both my breakfast and lunch before I'd sent them back to the kitchen, that doesn't really say much.

Don't get me wrong though, it's not like the food tasted bad (I mean come on, it was Pierre's cooking). It's more like I just wasn't in the mood to eat. So instead of practically licking the plate clean like I usually would have done, I'd just eaten until my stomach stopped gnawing at me.

Apart from eating, I mostly spent the day lying in bed. My phone and laptop were just a few feet away from me, yet the thought of just spending time with my thoughts appealed to me a lot more than they did.

Oh, and of course, my thoughts weren't kind to me. Various memories kept playing out before me, memories of times I'd spent with Annie, Max, even ones I'd spent with my parents. However, what once used to be a nostalgic recollection​ of happy times had become more like a constant barrage of slaps to my face.

A painful reminder of what I'd caused myself to lose.

But strangely, the more they played before my mind's eye, the less they hurt. Eventually, the knot in my stomach began unravelling. I'm not sure exactly why, but I think it happened when I finally accepted that there was nothing I could do to bring those moments back, or create any moment that would come even close to their brilliance.

I was stuck in the world I'd created. The only thing I could do was try not to slide down further into its bleakness than I already had.

That night I slept early, thanks to the effect of the sleeping pills I took. Despite the fact I'd told myself that the only reason I was taking them was so that I would have enough energy to make it through the upcoming school day, I'll admit that I did enjoy the break it granted me from the images my mind presented.

So the next morning, although I wasn't particularly keen on the idea of going to school, I did feel like I could get through the whole day without feeling like I was constantly at war with my eyes.

Annie was seated at the table when I entered the dining room, sipping from a glass containing orange juice.

"Hey."

She looked up from her phone, then put down her cup and cleared her throat. "Hey."

There was already a plate of bacon and eggs seated on the table, which was 'coincedentaly' directly opposite from where Annie sat. Sighing inwardly, I dragged myself over and sat down in front of it.

I didn't utter a word after I said a quick prayer and dug into the food. Unfortunately, Annie didn't follow my lead.

"So... you excited for the school day?"

I tore my eyes off my food and rose an eyebrow at her. "What's there to be excited about?"

"Well, you know... I mean, since you've been at home over the weekend..."

Scoffing, I looked away from her, stuffing my mouth with food in order to avoid giving an answer right at that moment. Which was just as well, seeing as I'm pretty sure I would have snapped at her because of the obvious purpose behind her question.

After a while, I replied, "Well I enjoyed being alone."

"And that's good-"

The sound of Annie's chair being pushed back caught my attention, prompting me to look up from my food. My heart skipped a beat as I saw her dash out of the room, clutching her mouth.

I threw back my chair and went after her, following the loud retching sound floating through the air until I got to the guest bathroom, where Annie was crouched over and puking into a toilet.

Without much of a thought, I headed inside and held her hair back as she puked (although there wasn't much to hold back).

When she finally stopped, I stepped back as she gingerly stood up and headed over to the washbasin, cleaning herself up.

After she was done gargling, I asked, "So... uh... are you okay?"

"Hmm? Oh yeah, yeah. My stomach's just a little sensitive right now, that's all."

I nearly jumped out of my skin when I heard another voice say from behind me, "As it has been for the last few days."

Whirling round, I let out a breath when I saw Tony standing in the doorway. "Fuck, don't sneak up like that!"

"Angelo, language!"

Those words actually brought a genuine smile to my face as I turned round to face Annie. "You know I'm eighteen, right? Technically you can't tell me what to do."

She took a break from wiping her face with a towel in order to scoff at me. "Please, we both know I'm still gonna be coming over and correcting your potty mouth by the time you're seventy."

"Noted. Spoiler alert: I'd have security stop you at the gate."

"Well here's a bit of a spoiler for you - good luck with that!"

I scoffed, but a smile still remained on my face, even while silence took hold of the room once again and Annie just looked at me with a smile on her face. It was a nice moment...

...but I knew it wouldn't last.

Clearing my throat, I turned to Tony. "Come on, I'm ready to head off to school."

"Already? But you haven't finished your break-"

"Yeah, but the sight of you puking pretty much took away my appetite. I'll see you later."

Without looking back at her, I left and began heading back to the dining room to get my bag.

Shortly after, I heard, "Well... alright. Have a nice day!"

I gave a grunt in reply, but quickly picked up my pace so I could leave before Annie got tempted to restart the conversation.

Because in spite of how nice that moment was, I couldn't help but wonder if Annie would still smile at me if she fully understood the weight of the role I had played in Max's death.
. . .

The school day itself felt pretty routine: sit through morning assembly, sit through lessons, go on breaks, back to class. In fact, I'd say that the most interesting thing that happened during it was the pop quiz Mr Howard sprang, so that should tell you something. I didn't even mind the fact his eyes were trained on me nearly throughout the entire duration of the test, I was just grateful to have something that... stimulated me.

Because everything else, even talking with people during break, felt so draining. It was like I had to constantly put on a mask and act like how I normally would - no, how I was expected to. At a point, I felt like I was staring from the outside, watching as my body did and said things that didn't reflect how I was feeling inside.

In all honesty, I just wanted to find myself a quiet spot and hide myself away from everyone.

But I couldn't, because I knew that would, ironically, only prompt people to talk to me even more. I couldn't even go and sleep in the sick bay during lunch due to the fact I had to attend Miss Delane's play rehearsals.

Speaking of Miss Delane's rehearsals, while she lectured some of my other peers on the problems she had with their acting, Aimee said to me, "Oh yeah, I asked Nabila about it."

I looked up from the floor, which I was sitting on. "What?"

"You know, about Andy's claims."

"Oh, that."

When I looked away from Aimee, who sat beside me, she asked, "Don't you want to know what she said?"

No, not really.

Sighing inwardly, I looked back at her. "What?"

She frowned. "Are you okay?"

No.

Nodding, I replied, "Yeah. Well, if you don't count the fact that I'm pretty fucking hungry 'cause I haven't had lunch."

That wasn't a lie, by the way. Some of that, anyways. I indeed hadn't had lunch, but that had been by choice, because I hadn't felt compelled to eat anything.

Luckily for me, she rolled her eyes and said, "Well you only have yourself to blame. Maybe next time you would spend your fifteen minutes of free time during break eating, rather than gossiping with your group at your table."

"I'll keep that in mind."

Her brow furrowed. "Woah, no attempt to deny the fact you gossip? Are you sure you're feeling-"

"What did Nabila say when you asked her about Andy's claims?"

Immediately, her expression darkened. "She said he wasn't lying; they actually kissed!"

"Seriously?"

"Ugh, yes! I seriously can't believe she'd do that. I mean, she did say it was only one time, but still! I'm just glad she said it was a one time thing, because she sure can do better than that fuckboy!"

Nodding, I offhandedly replied, "Sure, she can."

"Mhm!" Sighing, she ran her hands through her hair. "Anyways, enough about that. Why weren't you in school on Friday?"

"Hmm?"

It took me a moment to realise what she was referring to, but when I did I replied, "Oh, that. Why do you care?"

Her eyes widened, then she averted her gaze from mine and scoffed. "Gee, I'm sorry for wondering!"

The corners of my mouth tugged upwards as I watched her lips set in a pout. "I wasn't... feeling so good."

"Oh." She looked back at me. "Are you okay now?"

No, not really.

"Yeah, I am."

"Well... good! Then you can accompany me to Dylan's house this Saturday!"

"Yeah- wait, what? Dylan's house?"

"Yeah! I have a study date with him this Saturday, and I figured that since my last few private meetings with Dylan haven't gone over with you so well, it'd be better if you were present for my next one."

"Oh." Suddenly, heat rushed over my face as a thought occurred to me. "Wh- why would you assume I'd want to be there?"

"Angelo, Aimee, you're in this scene!"

"Coming, Miss!" Getting up, Aime said to me, "Well I assume you wouldn't want me to fall back under Dylan's spell as long as we're stuck together as partners. I mean, unless you enjoyed the period of time when Dylan and I were dating-"

"Just let me know what time and I'll be there."

She smirked. "I thought you'd say that. Now come on, before Miss Delane hurls a script at us in order to hurry us up!"

As I got off the floor, I sighed. "Yeah whatever, I'm coming!"

I'll admit though, that rehearsal session felt a lot more endurable after my conversation with Aimee.
. . .

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