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Chapter Twenty-Seven: Smouldering and Sexy, the Double S's of Doom 

Cami whistles as we walk in to the apartment, "I think I'm moving in and never leaving." She drops her bags in the middle of the open space floor plan, spreads her arms and spins in a circle. "This is glorious."

It sure is. Turns out Lan's father actually owns the apartment building where he lives which makes it that much easier for me and what I have planned. This apartment is similar to the one Lan has, gorgeous wooden floors, cream accents and glass windows which take up the entire wall. It's been furnished pretty generically, waiting for the next owner to bring in the warmth and some personal touches. But as far as furnished apartments go, I think we got pretty lucky. It's wide, generous in the space it gives especially the three bedrooms. As we explore more, we find that it has the kitchen of Cami's dreams with the rustic industrial countertops and top of the line equipment. She drools over it as I head on upstairs to the master bedroom which takes up the entire floor. A massive bed with an upholstered headboard takes up the entire space, but the room like the downstairs is done in accents of cream and white with the wooden flooring. Once again you have a massive window overtaking the wall and the entire place feels a little dreamy with the light pouring in like that. This is the kind of apartment I have in mind when I think about moving in with Cole and for a split second, I think about life after college when and if we move back closer to home.

But right now isn't the time to think about the future, if there's a future. Because for all my bravado when leaving home and driving here, I'm scared as heck. Maybe this time I've done too much, said too much. And maybe my biggest fear, that one day my insecurities would drive Cole away could be coming true. There's only so much baggage a guy should have to deal with and mine would fill all of LAX, twice.

Shaking the negative thoughts off, I turn around and leave the dream room behind me. I can think of the smaller things later, like my perfect apartment with it's perfect bedroom, perfect location later. Right now, it's time for the bigger picture, such as the fact that I may have pushed my boyfriend too far away.

"Okay it's official! I want to live here, lets just temporarily forget the fact that I could never afford this but a girl can Instagram it, tweet it, snap it and you know dream about it."

She takes out her phone and then I've lost her to the social media vortex.

I'm not as at home as immediately as she is since the fact that Cole is two floors down and unaware that I'm here makes me both nervous and well even more nervous. I'd say I'm excited but I don't have any clue what his reaction's going to be. Maybe he needs more time apart but that is exactly why my new plan is genius.

"So what's the first step? Are we meeting up with the hottie military school delinquent first or grabbing some food?"

"Stop calling him that, he's not a delinquent. People go to military school for a ton of reasons that aren't the fact that they are criminally inclined."

"But you didn't deny the fact that he's hot. Is he hot? How hot? On a scale from One Direction to Chris Hemsworth, how hot are we talking?"

"I'd say he's a solid Chris Evans."

"Yay!" She claps her hands, "I love me some Chris."

Things with her and Parker, one of Cole's teammates cooled have considerably once she realised that he'd been chatting up a couple of girls at the some time. While there wasn't any obvious cheating but he'd been an unapologetic flirt and I guess Cami finally realised the need to break things off with him. I won't lie, the prospect of a Lan and Cami is wonderful. Knowing both of them, I'd say they'd make one heck of an entertaining couple. But I'm not going to play matchmaker when my own love life is such a mess.

The bell rings and Cami bounces excitedly, "Do you think that's Chris? I mean Lan? Do I look effortlessly gorgeous with a side of sassy and spontaneous? Like I'm the kind of girl who could walk the runway but also go for like a hike?"

"How does a girl like that look exactly?

"You are a terrible, terrible wing woman. Now just tell me that I look pretty and go fetch the pretty boy."

She does look pretty though, with a black body suit and hight waisted shorts, she's showing off her slim figure and curves. If Lan's on the market, then I'd say he's about to hit the jackpot.

I look through the peephole and he's standing there with a bunch of grocery bags in his hand. As the door swings open, I don't even get a chance to say hi before he engulfs me in an awkward hug, arms laden with reusable bags.

"I'm so glad to see you."

Awkwardly patting his bag, "You too Lan. Jeez, I didn't know you missed me that much, or liked for that matter."

He pulls away, grinning and his dark hairs falls adorably across his forehead. He's six feet of gorgeousness, with rakish good looks. Dark hair, blue eyes, a lean swimmer's body all lead up to one beautiful male specimen. I can practically feel Cami swooning behind me.

"Aw, I like you plenty Tessa but that was for the sweet, sweet relief in my future now that I won't have to babysit Cole anymore." He bypasses me and runs straight into Cami.

Or collides. When meeting Cami for the first time, it's like being hit by a truck headfirst and then having a car ram into you all from all remaining sides. It is by no means a smooth process.

"Uh, hello Tessa's friend whose name I'd love to know. I'm Lan." He extends his hand towards her and she takes a step forward. Giving him a thorough once over, she looks towards me and gives me a thumbs up, "I think we'll get along just fine."

***

While Lan and Cami continue their crazy flirting, I start putting away the groceries that Lan was kind enough to bring by. I'm guessing Cole told him a little about my Nutella and Kit Kat obsession since I'm unpacking jar, after jar of the spread and three packs of mini Kit Kats. Oh boy...

"So what's the plan? Are you going down to see him?" Lan asks, coming over to help me.

"I don't know. Should I? How's he doing?"

Lan scratches the back of his neck, looking a little sheepish. "I'd say it would be a great idea to let him sleep off the hangover and try later."

"Again? I thought you said you threw everything away and hid his fake ID."

"Well, he found another way to get his hands on some alcohol because I came home last night and he was trashed, again."

"So what kind of a drunk is Cole exactly, Petunia?" Cami asks me

"He's uh...it's complicated. Depending on the situation, he can get emotional or really emotional."

"So a sentimental drunk. We can work with that."

"What do you have in mind Blondie?"

"The cutsie nickname doesn't work when you have two blondes in the room but nice try."

And Lan looks trumped so he stops with the come ons for a while.

"Look, she didn't come here to sit on her hands and wait. But at the same time we've got to be really careful because this is it, she needs to make it work now. If she keeps revisiting the past and letting it come between them, there's not much that anyone can do. So if she's in this then she's in it for good and she's got to do it the right way." She passionately explains to Lan, there's a lot of hand movement involved.

I think Cami might be more invested in saving my relationship than I am.

" I concur. And think about it Tessa, who're you really hurting with all this back and forth? Yeah, you're protecting yourself but the only one who's getting affecting by all of this is Cole. Don't you think he's got enough problems with his family. He trusts you to have his back because you're his girl and it sucks that you two can't find a way to just put all that unnecessary drama behind you."

"What pretty boy just said. You know for a good looking guy, you're not too much of neanderthal."

"Are you guys done or should I leave the room?"
"Yes," They say in unison then Cami adds, "I mean yes we're done not yes, you should leave the room because pfft, that's so not needed."

"Whatever you say Blondie. But Tessa, sorry about that. Continue."

"Well, great because the first step in my attempt to get my relationship back under control is to stop letting so many voices crowd my head when it comes to Cole. I respect your opinions and I'm thankful that you're helping me out but here's the thing, I messed up and I will fix this. But I've got to do it on my on terms.

"Of course."

"You're right, sorry I got carried away." That's Lan.

"Why don't you girls settle down and I'll come check on you later? I don't think Cole's going to notice that I'm gone but even he might get suspicious if I'm not back by now."

"Thanks so much for the help Lan, I really do appreciate it."

He winks, "No problem. It's nice to see him with the girl he's spent all these years chasing. It'll be interesting to see how you chase him though."

"I did learn from the best so I've got a few tricks up my sleeve."

Now I just hope that they work.

***

The first day that I see him is the day after Cami and I arrived. It's taken a day for the nerves to settle down and for me to convince myself that I'm not crowding Cole. Maybe sometimes in a relationship you need to give your other half space and we've never really done that. I think partly that's because we do know each other so well that it becomes hard to create a similar bond with another person. Add to that the fact that we moved to college together, separated ourselves from our friends and family, the only people we could rely on were each other. Yes, college brought us closer than ever so it's a little understandable that the concept of 'space' and what it entails in relationship terms gives me anxiety.

If he wants to go on a summer long trip to South America with the boys? No problem!

If he tells me he wants space, then you might as well alert Nestle, because I will be depleting their stock of Kit Kats.

Which is why when I see him in the car park, getting out of his car and ready to walk into the lobby, I intercept him. Perhaps Cami would've planned this out a little more smoothly and I'd be looking nicer but all the material aspects are so crazy. He's seen me in a tiny dress with a lot of makeup on and he's seen me even more regularly with bedhead and Scooby-Doo pyjamas so trying to impress him sounds like a ridiculous idea.

"Cole," I call out to him but he doesn't hear me. It could have something to do with the fact that my voice has suddenly decided to desert me. I barely make a squeak, suddenly so nervous. Maybe a red lipstick would've helped after all.

"Cole," I say a little louder, he's headed right in my direction from where I'm waiting at the steps leading to the entrance of the apartment building. My hands shake as I contemplate screaming but he hears me this time around, raises his head and squints like he's not really sure it's me.

The fact that he's standing more than ten feet away, simply staring at me and not moving, as if not even daring to breathe is making me second guess like crazy. It's a good thing I'm working on those insecurities of mine, otherwise this would be really awkward.

"Tessie? What...how...when did you get here?"

He speed walks the rest of the distance and then suddenly he's close by and suddenly nothing else matters. I'm back in my favourite place in the entire, engulfed in Cole's scent and surrounded by his warmth.

"Hey," My voice is softer, quieter. Now that I'm here with him, it's a little more difficult to formulate actual sentences. I have lot to say to him, a lot to apologise for but I'm just so relieved to just be with him that it's reduced my brain to mush. The nervousness isn't normal, especially not when you've been dating for more than a year but that's the thing with Cole. No matter how long it's been, being with him still sends tingles down my spine. It's harder when I think about the fact that just a few days ago he didn't want to talk to me, the incident with Cole refusing to answer the phone while I'd waited. But I could understand his anger, his fight with his family must've made it twice as bad for him.

His eyes are warm, the blue almost iridescent in the afternoon sun. He's got a few days worth of stubble on his face, which I'm suddenly a fan of and he's looking at me like a man starved.

"What're you doing here?" There's still more than enough distance between us for me to take a step forward.

"You left, I had to make sure you weren't causing too much trouble wherever you went."

He looks amused, which is a relief to me. I'd spent the previous night coming up with way too many scenarios, none of which seemed to end well for me.

"And is that the only reason you're here? To keep me in check?"

"Well, now that I've made sure that everything's in one piece, no black eye, no visible wounds and the building is standing upright I think I can let that one go. But I do have my own reasons to stay."

"And those would be?" He advances towards me, getting so close that I have to place a hand on his chest to keep some amount of distance between us. The closer he gets, the more I tend to lose my train of thought.

"I've been thinking and..."

"That never really ends well for me."

"I said thinking, not overthinking okay. So like I was saying, I've been doing some thinking and have realised that the way I acted the last time we were together wasn't fair on you." I swallow, "I always end up projecting the worst of insecurities and fears onto you and expect you to be some kind of superhero, just take everything I pile on you and be okay, unaffected. That was never my intention and I'm if this past year, I've made it all about me, if I haven't been a good enough girlfriend. I realise that I whine a lot, I come from a family of whiners. If you'd ever listen to my mother after a bookclub meeting, good god you'd think someone had committed sacrilege by not liking Mr. Rochester enough. Anyway, my point is or rather one of my points is that I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said those things to you, I didn't mean any of it either. It's just...and I don't want to put you in an awkward place by thinking that you have to take sides but what Cassandra said was like someone verbalising my worst fears. I'm not playing the victim but it's powerful you know, to be told that you're making the person you love the most unhappy..."

"God, Tessie stop you're breaking my heart here." He grabs the tops of my arms and pulls me to his chest. "You never have to explain yourself to me, don't you know that? I know what's going on in that mind of yours, that's always thinking, always questioning, always doubting. The last person you could ever need to apologise to is me and it kills me because I know you're hurting and saying all that wasn't easy. But, just know this, no matter what happens, no matter how bad things get, I'm not going anywhere. You hear me?

I nod, embarrassed to realise that my eyes are stinging. He notices my tears but doesn't say anything. Swinging an arm around my shoulder, he tucks me into his side and leads us into the lobby. Huh, this is a lot easier than I'd anticipated.

"Don't you want the whole story? How I found you, when I got here, whether or not I'm staying which I am, you know the works?"

"I have a feeling you'll tell me yourself. I just have one question though, where are your bags or did you already have Lan take them up? Is that why he's been acting so cagey? You two been planning this all along?"

"Kind of," I wince, "but my bags aren't at Lan's."

We stop in the middle of the lobby, "And where are they?"

"In a room two floors up with Cami?"

He stops, whirls around and gives me a pointed look, "What?"

"You heard me. I uh...I think it'll be a good idea for us to live here separately for a while. Lan's letting us crash the apartment since it's vacant and I thought it'd be a nice idea to be out in the city, away from all the drama back home."

"But we can live in the same place, Lan has plenty of room."

"Yeah he does but here's the thing, we're not going to be sharing a whole lot of space these next few weeks."

His brows go up, "Did you come all this way to break up with me Shortcake? Is that what we're doing here?"

"No!" I all but shriek and the lovely residents of the building stop to stare at the two of us. So Cole grabs my hand and walks us to the elevators and we wait patiently for a car to arrive. By patiently I mean, the tension coming off of him is pretty tangible.

Once we get inside the lift and he presses the floor number for Lan's place, he crowds me into a corner. "So what were you saying?"

"I'm saying that it's not healthy for us to go from zero to sixty all the time. We're either arguing or we're patched up, there's no in between. Ever since college, it just feels like we're on or off. I'm either worried about that a bunch of cheerleaders would kidnap you and stuff you into a Mini Cooper..."

He rolls his eyes, "I wouldn't fit inside a Mini."

"Or, as I was saying we completely forget to work out the problem at hand and go back to pretending that there's nothing wrong with our situation."

"You're not making a lot of sense right now Tessie. I thought you wanted to put all of that behind us and just start over? The way it used to be, before college."

"But that's my point! We have three more years of school and we can't spend all of them doing more of the same. At least for me, all the self sabotaging that I've done so far is more than enough for a lifetime. And I do promise you that I'm done doubting, feeling week. But you know you've got problems of your own to figure out, big life decisions. With all of my drama just always being at the forefront of things, I know we never really get to talk about you."

He opens his mouth to protest but I cut him off, "Don't you dare tell me I'm wrong. Half of the time you're cancelling other commitments to spend time with me because I've made you think that you need to spend all your free time with me. I've talked to Lan about this okay? I know you don't hang out with your friends as much as you should and as much as I'm trying not to collapse under a mountain of guilt or self blame, all that needs to change. We both need to be a priority in this relationship not just me. And you've got to stop treating me like something breakable."

I'm breathless by the point I end my tirade and as I stop talking, we reach Lan's floor. This is not part of the plan but I'm helpless as Cole leads me into the apartment. Shutting the door behind him, he presses me against it with his body. "So correct me if I'm wrong, you'd like a little rough treatment from me? Is that what this is about?" His grin is smouldering and sexy, the double S's of doom.

"Hold off the smoulder perv, we're talking about serious stuff here?"

Placing an arm over my head, he presses his lower body into my stomach, "Trust me, I'm very serious about this conversation. What was it you were saying about me being too gentle?"

"Not like that." My cheeks are on fire and he chuckles.

"Well, you could fool me. With all that talk about BDSM and sex clubs, now you don't want me to be gentle with you. It seems to me like the answer to all our problems is really simple."

And in a sudden movement, I'm lifted in Cole's arms, my arms struggling to find balance and finally twining themselves across his neck. "W-what are you doing?"

"Too much talking. I think we can work out our problems another way."

He walks us rapidly to what I assume is his bedroom and deposits me on the bed. Shutting the door behind him, he comes to stand at the foot of the bed and starts taking off his shirt.

"Whoa, whoa whoa, stop! Clothing does not need to come off right now."

"Really? I'd listen to you but it's really hot today so you gotta do what you gotta do."

I cross my arms protectively across my chest in fear of my threadbare t-shirt. "I said we need to talk. You can talk with your shirt on."

He gives me a sultry look that'd melt the panties off of a less determined woman. "We can talk after. I really missed you Tessie and I think we need to get reacquainted."

My eyes widen and then it hits me. Studying him closely, even in the darkened room I notice how fidgety he is, the glazed look in his eyes and the slightly clumsiness in his step. He's been great at hiding it till now but...

"You're drunk aren't you?"

He rolls his eyes, "Did Lan ask you to stage an intervention? I told him I'd be out of here in a day or two." Frustration seems to roll off of him in waves and that's when I realise that he's doing what he thinks works best for us, avoiding talking about the actual problem but distracting me with physical intimacy.

I eye the vase on the bedside table and think about throwing it at him but it's glass and looks a little too expensive for me to replace.

"He doesn't need to ask my to do anything! I'm your girlfriend, I care about you and I don't need anyone telling me to do my job. I saw you get out of a car just now! What the hell were you thinking drinking and driving?"

He scoffs, "Are you seriously trying to start a fight right now? Because I'm not in the mood. I thought you said you wanted to start over?"

"Starting over by having sex and forgetting how we got in this situation in the first place? No, that wasn't my plan. I can see that you're hurting Cole so please, if I did this then tell me. Blame me, tell me that I hurt you. Talk to your parents about what they said and how it made you feel. That's how problems get solved, not by drinking."

I'm still hugging myself, having backed into a corner of the bed and Cole's moved further away, standing by the door. His expression is unreadable and I'm not sure if I've ever been this clueless as to what's going on in his head.

"Before I left, I remember you saying that you didn't like Cassandra psychoanalysing the shit in your brain. I get why that's so annoying now and I'd appreciate it if you didn't try to do the same to me."

"Cole, I'm not trying to make this into something that it's not but don't you see what you're doing? You're trying to replace conversation with sex, you've been out drinking god knows where in the middle of the day and I know for a fact that you haven't returned any of your parents' calls...."

"Oh for Christ's sake! This, this is why I left. I wanted to have some time alone without you judging me. I'm not having a meltdown, you don't need to worry about me having a relapse. I..." He looks as tired as I feel, "I just need some time to cool off without someone keeping an eye on me. Maybe it's a good thing you're staying with Cami after all."

Ouch.

***

"Ouch," Cami scoops up a some more ice-cream and piles it in my bowl.

"Exactly."

"What an asshole! You were trying to help and first he tries to turn it into a casual fling and then he basically asks you to you to go to hell. I'm not sure I'm cheering for Team Cole anymore."

I stare glumly into the gooey mess that is my strawberry ice cream. To say that I've been unsuccessful is an understatement.

I failed.

I crashed.

I landed face first into a crap ton of dog crap, so double the crap.

That is to say, my ship sunk faster than the Titanic.

Do you get my point?

"But why do I feel like you were expecting this? You're not exactly heartbroken and curled up into a ball on the floor. I did purchase supplies for that, just in case it happened. I also purchased a baseball bat in case I needed to hit someone."

"Lan take you shopping today?" I ask, avoiding the subject.

"He did and I must say, I'm impressed he didn't what guys usually do when they go to malls with me, you know tell me that they're going to the foodcourt and poof! I never see them again."

"Someone really did that?" I want to hunt that person down and kill them in the most painful way possible.

"A lot of someones, I tend to get a little carried away. But I don't just spend time buying the usual girly things, I think what ticks people off the most if the amount of time I could spend buying knick knacks that I'll probably never use again in my life. IKEA is the gateway to heaven for me. I might not go to church every Sunday, but the IKEA back in my hometown? Girl you would die!"

I laugh, despite the circumstances as I try to picture Cami in that environment and how easily she could spend hours trapped in that vortex.

"So, now that you're in a slightly better mood, tell me what's going through your head right now."

I roll back my shoulders, the stress of today wreaking havoc on my muscles. Even now when I think of how cold he'd been to me, I get hit by a jolt of pain. Not that I'd been expecting a warm welcome but he'd been so...unlike himself that I don't know how to proceed. But then I'd run into Lan, as I'd been leaving his apartment in tears and over coffee, as he tried to calm me down he told me something I realise now that I already knew and it's what I tell Cami.

"It's his fallback, to shut everyone out. I think I forgot, you know while I'd been expecting him to always be there for me and help me deal with my fears that he's got his own troubles and when it gets too much he's as bad with alienating the ones that care the most as I am."

"Congratulations, you've hit the dysfunctional couple lottery! Now what do we do?"

"I'm going to wait it out, see how much he plans on isolating himself. By the look of things, I'll probably have to face a few more blows to my heart before he realises that I'm not going anywhere. He needs to stop drinking, that just makes the situation uglier than it needs to be. He's going to make himself sick one of these days. I'm going to start small, test out if he's ready to talk without being under the influence of alcohol. He knows that it's a hard limit for me after my brother."

"So essentially, you're going to Out-Cole Cole?"

"Whatever that means, yes I am."

"And you're okay with the hurt it could entail? We came here with the thought that he'd be open to your wooing but right now he's lashing out, real bad from the sound of it and you know," she shrugs, "we've just got you back to a good place. Anything he might say could end up being a trigger for you."

"Then that's a risk I'm willing to take because I know he'd do the same for me." 

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Hi guys!

You know there's something wrong with me when I think that an update that's like four or five days late, is REALLY late. Who am I? 

But I hope you guys like the chapter! I would love to turn everything rosy and positive but I think Cole's more than justified to have his own time out, a period where he's selfish and reckless because I think he's been holding it in and been in control for far too long. You may disagree :) 

I've also been notified that a lot of you don't get notified for updates, and some of you only get notified for selective updates so I think a lot of you guys skipped chapter 25 and only read chapter 26 :/ I have no idea why Wattpad is glitching but if it keeps happening, please contact Wattpad support. I tweet about updates multiple times and post on Instagram as well, so that's a surefire way to keep up with them if Wattpad doesn't notify you. 

Book recommendation: Cross The Line by Julie Johnson, I love the heroine haha!

Twitter: @BlairHoldenx and Instagram @JessGirl93, I'm about to hit 15k on Insta so I'd love it if you could follow <3

Please comment/vote/follow if you'd like to support me and I'll talk to you on the next update! 

Love,

Blair