Chapter Fourteen:

Tessa

If there's one thing I'm grateful for right now, it's work and the fact that I can immerse myself so completely in it that it helps me ignore the proverbial elephant in the room.

Although it's not like there's any ignoring the fact that I just got knocked up. I somehow managed to scrounge up the courage to schedule an appointment with my OB/GYN but even before that, it's like the acknowledgment of the fact that there might be a tiny human growing inside of me has opened the pregnancy floodgates and with it comes the morning sickness.

Now I've read about this particular phenomenon in romance novels, watched it on countless TV shows and movies and never thought twice about just how horrible it could be to constantly live in a state of nauseousness and when you're not nauseous, you're puking your guts out. It doesn't sound pleasant it certainly doesn't feel any better. One day I'd been happily going through life, feeling so grateful that there were no looming disaster in my near future and then BAM!

The mother of all unexpected and unplanned disasters strikes and you realise that life as you know it is going to change forever. It's been a week since I took the tests at home, a week since I nearly passed out when I looked at the two lines on the sticks I'd just peed on and felt my world tilt on its axis. I'm still not sure if I've processed it fully or whether I'm continuing to live in a state of denial but I count scheduling an actual appointment as a small victory and those are the only kind I can afford right now.

"You okay?"

People have been asking me that a lot lately and I'm honestly tired of lying. I haven't been answering Beth's texts and I know Travis jus ends up calling Cole who knows better than to tell anyone about our, uh present situation without asking me first. It's like we've been living in our own little hell, maybe that's a little too harsh but that's what it feels like. I'm pushing Cole away, we both know it and I'm so lost in my own head half the time that I spend hours just spaced out, trying to figure out how I'm going to deal with this curveball that life's thrown my way.

"I know I look like shit, you don't need to sugarcoat it Mattie."

I concentrate on the monitor in front of me trying to get past the wave of nausea that's currently coming over me and try not to get out the saltine crackers stashed in my purse. I feel as though the moment I break those out, I'd have gigantic sign pointing right at my stomach screaming KNOCKED UP.

So I woman up, count to three in my head and get back to work but I know what I look like and it's not pretty. I haven't been able to sleep, throw up what little I manage to eat and for the life of me I can't stop crying. It's not like I want to burst out into tears every time I see myself in a mirror and am reminded that my life is about to change irrevocably but that's the case and there's nothing I can to change that.

"Jeez, who peed in your porridge today? I was just asking because you've been staring at the same page for the last twenty minutes and usually it takes you half a day to go through a book."

It's true, I've done a pitiful amount of work today and if that's any sign of what's to come then it's yet another thing that's going to add to my misery.

"Just tired, haven't been getting a lot of sleep lately."

He groans dramatically, "Don't remind me that you go home to that hot as sin boyfriend of yours. I'm sure he's been keeping you busy." He waggles his eyebrows at me and I swear it takes every ounce of self-control that I possess to not throw up there and then.

Yup Cole's been keeping me busy, maybe a little too busy that's what got me in this mess in the first place but I don't want exactly want to tell Mattie that so I just smile it off and try to not completely fail at my job today.

One day at a time Tessa, it's okay to take it one day at a time.

***

I take the long way back home, choosing to walk instead of taking the 'L' train. It's a good exercise for me to think things through a little in my own head without feeling guilty about shutting Cole out. When I'm at home and it's just the two of us, I feel like a terrible person because I know Cole just wants to talk and that he's worried about me. This impacts him just as much as it impacts me and I have to talk to him about it.

Eventually.

Right now I walk around, keeping my head down and try not to look at all the people with children. Like the morning sickness, it's like my condition has also made me hyper sensitive to babies and everywhere I look I see those tiny humans and I'm not sure how it makes me feel. I've never been one of those women who hates the idea of kids but I'd certainly not planned on having them just a year out of college and barely making headway into a new career.

The timing is all wrong but I guess people have it worse and I'm reminded of all the time that I watched Teen Mom and judged those girls for not being responsible enough and thinking to myself that I would never be that stupid.

Guess who's laughing now huh Tessa?

I groan and walk by the park closest to our apartment building where Cole and I come sometimes for Sunday picnics and I think some time by the lake might help me clear my head a little. I've got a meeting with Wyatt early tomorrow and I don't want to head in there feeling as out of it as I do right now.

But when I walk down to our usual spot where we feed the ducks, I halt in my tracks at the sight before me. Right there by lake, a young woman probably a year or two older than I am has a toddler balanced on her hip and she's currently cooing at him in a language I cannot possibly decipher. She's pointing at the ducks and the little boy is laughing as he watches them scurry to get the tiny morsels of bread being fed to them by the people wandering about. At one point he raises his little arms and squishes his mother's cheeks and the utter joy on his face when she laughs and kisses his forehead basically has me bawling right there.

I move away quickly before the woman has me arrested for stalking her child but what is this weird feeling that I'm experiencing? Why is my heart beating so fast and why is there this sudden sense of ....acceptance?

I can't be the naive, can I? Just witnessing one cute moment between a mother and her son and I'm ready to go full on Cheaper by the Dozen? No, it has to be the hormones. I hate this, you hate this remember Tessa?

But would it be so horrible?

Yes!

But really would it?

I'm so confused and if the point of coming here had been to give me some clarity then just like the rest of my life right now, it'd been an epic fail.

***

Cole isn't home when I get back which is strange because he's made a point to be there before me every single day since I took the test. He's worried, I can tell and I know he's going above and beyond to be there for me. I've probably won the boyfriend lottery because I know there are plenty of men who'd run scared in the other direction if they discovered they were going to have a baby halfway through law school, or at any unplanned stage really.

But it's starting to bug me, just how calm he's being. Here I am, scared for my life and terrified of what the future holds and he's...Cole. He's still loyal and unwavering and faithful but would it kill him to scream a little, yell, maybe have a meltdown so that I can let out all this pent up anger inside of me? But hormones or not, a rational part of my mind still exists and I know deep in my heart that this isn't anyones 'fault' and that no form of birth control is ever fully successful in preventing pregnancy. Accidents happen, this right here is a huge accident but it's done now and I don't even need a doctor to confirm. My periods have been nothing if not a pain in the ass and arrive like clockwork every month, the fact that I've missed one is the final nail in the coffin.

What a wonderful way to think about my future child, I'm going to be a great mother.

Cue the eye roll.

Before said fiasco, my after work routine hadn't been restricted to changing into sweats and vegging out on the couch, a huge bag of potato chips in hand. I'd go for drinks with Mattie and our other coworkers, maybe hit the gym a couple of times a week or surprise Cole at his local college bar and have a fun night out with his friend Felix and his girlfriend. But right now it seems like I don't have the energy to do either of that so it shouldn't upset me that Cole's probably out having the time of his life while I'm here sulking, trying not to throw up the only food that's managed to stay in my stomach today.

No sulking Tessa!

I remember that as Cole walks in with a spring to his step and looking happier than I've seen him in days since the incident.

"Hey," He's not surprised to find me in my usual spot, "when did you get home?" He shrugs off his jacket and walks into the second bedroom we both use as a home office to dump his backpack and laptop.

"About half an hour ago, I wasn't getting much work done and Kevin headed home early so here I am." I spread my arms wide open, "In my natural habitat."

He studies me closely trying to gauge my mood and I hate that it's this awkward between us because a week ago he would've just asked me what was up with me and I would've told him.

Now we both know what's up but we're too scared to open the can of worms.

He sits down on the other end of the couch, feet stretched towards me and frowns at my half empty bag of chips.

"Is that all you've had to eat?"

Jesus Cole, why don't you just come right out and talk to me about it? I'm so frustrated and emotional and I don't know what to do about it. He's treating like he's my nursemaid and I've got the Bubonic plague, it's not a pretty picture and I want him to be the brave one in this relationship because I'm not capable of that at the moment.

I swallow heavily, past the knot in my throat. "I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be eating when I throw most of it up."
He winces but I hope he sees the opening that I've given him before I retreat back into my shell.

"I've been reading a couple of books and I've actually just bought some stuff that's supposed to help with the sickness. It's not just during the morning is it?"

I shake my head, feeling miserable. "It's the worst when I wake up and that's when I lose most of the contents of my stomach but the nausea doesn't go away. Crackers help, so do potato chips but I just feel like crap all the time and I barely make it up the stairs at work today."

He nudges my foot with his, "Give me a sec, I put everything in the fridge after you left for work but even the lady at the store said you need to keep replenishing electrolytes so there's some lemonade and ginger-ale in there and plenty of fresh fruit." He hops off the couch, like he's glad that he can finally help. "She also told me to make sure you were eating small meals every other hour and gave me a list of things that maybe you could keep down." He brings back one of those fancy cut up, deseeded watermelon slices you get from the health food store and offers it to, surprisingly my body does not recoil at the sight of it.

"You've got to keep snacking on the potato chips and crackers so I got more of those and absolutely no spicy food. I'm not sure if any of these sounds good to you but I can make you toast, or rice, potatoes, cereal anything like that and..."

I launch myself at him because I've missed him so fucking much these past few days and although I take him by surprise, his arms immediately go around me and he hugs me close, arms tight around me and head buried in the crook of my neck, inhaling my scent like he's just as starved for me as I am for him. I don't know what broke me, the fact that he cares so much and has been afraid to show it just because he's worried how I might react or the fact that while I've been closing myself off, he's been figuring out how to make my life easier.

What did I ever do to deserve this guy?

"Tessie, shh it's going to be okay."

I don't even realise I'm crying, see that's how second nature it's become, until he points it out and I'm getting my snot and tears on his perfectly crisp white shirt. Embarrassed, I pull away and try to wipe away the evidence of my latest breakdown but Cole pushes my hand away, bringing it to his mouth and kissing the back of it.

"Talk to me, please." He begs

"I'm scared."

"I am too and I want you to know that you're not alone in this. The past week has turned my life just as upside down as it has yours and it kills me to see that you think you're going to have to go through this on your own. I wouldn't let that happen shortcake, you know that right?"

Of course I do. Cole's not the kind of guy who abandons you when the going gets tough, in fact he's the total opposite and he'll stand with you and fight all your battles side by side. But that's not what I'm worried about. It's one thing for him to support me but another thing entirely to raise a child with me.

"But is this what you want right now, a kid? You're still in school Cole and I'm...barely starting to get somewhere at work. Everything's going to change and I wouldn't blame you if..."

"Stop right there Tessie. I know what you're going to say and it's going to break my heart. Is that the kind of guy you think I am? We made this baby, together. You didn't do this on your own and I'd never leave you, it'd kill me to."

I blink back the tears, "This wasn't part of the plan was it?"

"We'll make a new plan, one that works for us now. Do you trust me Tessie?"

I half sob, half nod and lose myself in Cole's kiss and he kisses the pain and tears away. "Then you're going to have to believe me when I say everything's going to be okay. We're scared and probably don't have the first clue on what to do with a pregnancy, lot alone a baby but I know we can anything, together."

"Together." I repeat the mantra several times over in my head, already feeling stronger. Till this moment, I'd not let myself admit that I'm not in this alone. I'd victimised and isolated myself, not thinking about the one other person who is just as involved in this as I am but knowing that I have his support, his unconditional love and devotion makes the weight on my shoulders feel a lot lighter.

Things aren't perfect just yet and it's probably going to take me some time to get used to the idea that there's a human life growing inside of me but I've managed to make it to the first step, acceptance. Our lives are about to change, the path I'd so carefully planned for myself and Cole and our future together will probably need a whole lot of modifications and adjustments and right now just thinking about it makes me want to breathe into a paper bag.

But this boy right next to me, the person I've been in love with since I was seventeen years old makes it all seem so much easier and if life's so adamant on throwing us curveballs, then I couldn't have asked for a better teammate.

***

The morning of my appointment with the OB/GYN, I spend a good amount of time studying my body in the mirror. I'm not sure how far along I am and you couldn't tell that I'm pregnant looking at my body. They say you notice the difference in your boobs first but mine don't feel tender or swollen, not yet and they're certainly not bigger. I've never had a completely flat, toned stomach and maybe it's just my mind playing tricks on me but it does seem like it's looking a little more round than before. That could have to do with the fact that I've become obsessed with pastries and cakes are the only thing I crave, all the time so you could say that my fridge is better stocked than your local Starbucks, possibly because I've emptied out their shelves.

Still, in my jeans and flowy cream top, you can't tell.

I wonder how long it'll stay like that?

Cole's waiting for me so I quickly finish getting dressed and meet him by the door. He's already forced some food down my mouth even though I woke up feeling absolutely wretched. He's only got one class today so he'll come pick me up at work and we'll take an Uber to the doctor's office. I just need to get through this day and then I'll have some peace of mind and all the answers that I've been desperate to get.

"You look beautiful." He smiles that full blown smile that still manages to make me weak in the knees and I'll blame the hormones once again because I want to scale this guy like a tree.

"It's probably concealer because the six feet deep craters under my eyes would disagree but thank you." I kiss him as he helps me gather my stuff and we walk out the door together, my free hand firmly in his.

"No, I'm pretty sure it's you. Oh and what bags exactly? You snored all of last night."

"Hey!" I elbow him in the side, "I've finally managed to find a sleeping position that doesn't give me heart palpitations so don't you dare make fun of me."

"What position? The one where you basically climb all over me and try and crush my Esophagus? It's a miracle i'm still alive shortcake."

"Don't be so dramatic, you're all warm and toasty and I've started feeling unseasonably cold these days."

"I'm not complaining shortcake, anytime you need to get up close and personal at night, I'm more than happy to reciprocate. Just maybe give a guy some warning?"

"Maybe I'll just crashing on the couch from now on?" I try to march past him into the elevator but his arms go around me from behind and I'm hauled into his chest.

"I'd follow you there and anywhere else you go if you're not in our bed next to me every night shortcake." His nose skims the column of my throat and I shiver. "It's taken me a long while to get you there and I'm not letting you go that easily."

Moments like these that remind me of simpler days when the two of us would be ecstatic just to be in the zip code. It's taken a hell of a lot from us to get to this point of being able to be together day in and day out and we've fought hard to make it work through all the hiccups of the past six years.

This baby isn't just a hiccup though and even though I've only ever about thought about it in context to an apocalypse, it is definitely time to acknowledge that maybe a tiny part of me is excited for this new journey, new challenge and even though it might be the hardest thing I've ever done in my life, we wouldn't be Cole and Tessa if things stayed easy for too long.

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Love,

Blair