Chapter Fifteen: It's Crazy How Time Flies When You're Hanging On To It For Dear Life.

Tessa

One doctor's appointment confirms what we've already known for a week and I have to hand it to myself. I stayed eerily calm once the doctor finished her physical exam and told me that she's only ordering a pregnancy test to be a hundred percent positive that I am in fact pregnant. No one is surprised when it's positive, least of all me but there's something so final and official about a figure of authority in a white lab coat telling you what you already know. Suddenly it's all very much real and not just in my head there is, prescribing me folic acid and prenatal vitamins and I'm trying my best to not squeeze the life out of Cole's hands. Since we have time, the doctor also sends us for an ultrasound that I'm nowhere near prepared for. Anything after that initial confirmation seems like an absolute blur to me. I don't remember much of what the chatty technician says to me, I think she comments on how good Cole and I look together and how beautiful our baby is going to be but that's just about it. When does the actual scan, I think I momentarily blank out and even Cole looks a little shaken.

Six weeks, I'm only six weeks along.

According to an app Cole downloaded on his phone the minute we got out of the clinic, the baby is the size of a lentil.

A lentil, Jesus that's tiny.

I'm glad Cole's there to listen to all the information she feeds us because my head starts to spin midway and the panic I've been trying so hard to keep at bay is fast making a return. I'm thankful when I can pull my shirt down and leave but I think I've retained enough information to not consider myself a total failure of a decent human being.When we get to the pharmacy, Cole is still engrossed in his app that he finds so fascinating. I walk around trying to get everything that the doctor suggested but being in the maternity aisle feels so foreign, like an out of body experience. I never thought I'd be here so soon and now there's an older lady across staring at the two of us like we're lost puppies.

She turns towards us and smiles like she's known us for ages, "First pregnancy?" She's practically gushing and I nudge Cole to look up from his app for a second.

"Uh, yeah the very first." He straightens up and tosses an arm around my shoulders like we're one golden retriever away from being your neighbourhood Camden family.Seventh Heaven, anyone remember that show? Anyone?

"Aren't you two just adorable!" She clasps her hands together, "My daughter's just started her second trimester and it's her first baby too! We're so excited and I bet your family must be thrilled."

Huh, our families. Cole and I exchange a look because we suddenly remember that we're going to have to tell our parents about the baby and that's probably not going to go down that well with at least one person for sure.

"Yes, they sure are. We're all so happy." I don't think the lady is picking up on the strain in Cole's voice or how funny he sounds right now and launches into her own little spiel about babies and what a gift pregnancies are. She empties half of the contents of the shelves into our basket, telling me exactly what I need and for what.

"It's probably a little overwhelming right now but when you finally hold that precious little one in your arms, everything will be worth it."

I'm not to sure about that and I think Cole mirrors my expression but we let her babble on and on until she finally leaves us with probably a lifetime worth of debt in our basket. We're frozen in place with obvious with wide panic filled eyes, trying to figure out what just happened and how we've become that couple.

But the one thing that's rooted in both our minds that we'd ignored until now is obvious.

"We're going to have to tell our parents aren't we?"

Cole nods looking a little shaken himself but better than I do for sure. Although he's got more reason to worry because right now there's only one thing running through my mind and it's the fact that the universe must be playing a huge cosmic joke on me. This cannot actually be happening and I do not have to confess to Cassandra Stone that Cole and I are about to have a baby.

The thought makes me laugh hysterically, right there next to those damn vitamins. Cole looks at me worriedly, like he's afraid that I'm finally completely losing the plot but it's just that hilarious and ironic at the same time. Cassandra hates my guts because she thinks I hold Cole back, make him choose my happiness over his and despite my big move to Chicago, she still isn't thrilled.

This, this is just going to be the cherry on top of the cake isn't it?

I laugh/cry some more.

***

As a general rule, or one that I've heard in passing most couples don't disclose their pregnancies till the twelve week mark because of reasons that make me shudder to think about but it can be a little...unsafe to announce. So that's what Cole and I decide to do, wait it out until we have nothing to worry about and until then both start getting used to the idea that our lives are about to change forever. The world however doesn't stop and wait for you while you just want to buckle in and wait to cross that twelve week mark and so there's only so much longer that I can avoid talking to my best friend who seems to have known before I did.

"Beth wants to talk to you." Cole holds up his phone to me which makes sense since I never bothered charging mine after I came back from work. It's the weekend and I have no plans to leave this apartment despite Cole asking me several times if I'd like to go out to eat or just go for a walk in the part. My emotions are all over the place and I'm constantly switching between crying and marvelling at the fact that there's a baby inside of me, a baby!

As we near the end of that first vital trimester that the doctor mentioned and I'm due another appointment soon but until then we've been going about life as usual. The nausea and vomiting is still there but not as aggressive and the doctor said these symptoms would probably end after the this trimester. I'm still tired though, all the time and struggling to concentrate at work. I've already messed up a few times this week after nights when I couldn't sleep and I know Kevin's starting to get annoyed. Just earlier this day I'd emailed the wrong contract to an author who thought we were terminating our agreement so no it's not been the best day.

"Can you tell her I'll call her later? I don't feel too well right now."

He looks at the huge bowl of Sun Chips in my lap and then at the Netflix show I'm currently binging before continuing to thrust the phone towards me. "Talk to her, she's worried about you."

I roll my eyes, "I think things are past the point of worrying now." He flinches and this is probably the hundredth and sixth time I've messed up today. Being a moody bitch isn't going to solve anything and Cole doesn't deserve it.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean that. Give me that phone." He hands it to me wordlessly and walks away.

That wasn't cool, not at all and I plan on apologising to him profusely as soon as I'm done with the call.

"Hey," I greet Beth who is quiet on the other end.

"Did you go to the doctor like you said you would?" She really doesn't beat around the bush much. I'd been lying to her for a couple of weeks after that first appointment and telling her that I'd started feeling better and didn't need to go see one. Still, both her and Travis would nag and nag until I gave in and told her in the beginning of the week that I definitely would. Now it's the end of that week and I've finally decided to give in and confirm her fears.

"I did." I take a deep breath. Telling one of my best friends should be easier than telling my parents or Cole's family.

"And?" She doesn't hold her breath, "You're pregnant aren't you?"

I fall back into the couch on my back and groan, "I am, I am so very pregnant."

"Well, shit Tessa."

Shit is well and truly correct.

***

It takes a lot for me to make Cole truly mad because he's just not that kind of a guy. I'm not perfect and I'll admit to making my share of mistakes through the years but he's been so forgiving through all my mistakes, through my insecurities and my tendency to be really needy. I think at some point I'd started taking it for granted, his ability to look past my flaws.

And maybe I shouldn't have done that because this whole woe is me act after the doctor's appointment must really have gotten to him. It's not a pretty picture to come home to every night, me wasting away on the living room couch, shouting at the TV watching Top Chef and depleting bag after bag of potato chips. He cooks me healthy meals that the doctor recommended I eat but sometimes at night I break and the next think you know I have to order sweats two sizes bigger on Amazon. I'm not sure how good of a girlfriend I'm being, not sure if he hates me a little right now and I'm too chicken shit to ask him.

There's so much I want to say to him, so much that will explain why I'm acting the way that I have been. I don't hate this baby, how could I when it's something that Cole and I made together? There's no doubt in my mind that we would've had kids sometime in the future when we were ready for them and saying that the timing has thrown me for a loop would be the understatement of the century. Then there are the obvious reasons as to why I'm terrified of being responsible for a life and that's my own upbringing, obviously. While things are better now, I wasn't exactly born into the perfect household and my relationship with my mother hasn't been the greatest. My greatest fear is that since that's the longest maternal relationship I've had in my life, it's obviously going to be the one that's influenced me the most. The last thing I want is to be the kind of mother that my own was and subjecting a child to that would be cruelty. What if I lack the kind of feelings and emotions you need to be a good mother because I never got to see them in action? There's layers upon layers of issues that my childhood has built up inside of me and sometimes even I forget how far reaching their consequences can be. I'm trying to push past them though, trying to be more than the pitiful twelve year old who just wanted her mother to embrace her for who she is, big boned and all instead of her constantly hiding her overweight daughter from her friends. It's a lot to think about, a lot to take in and not something Cole could magically make disappear. These are battles that I'm going to have to face myself and life's just given me a jumpstart.

Tonight though, is his friend Felix's birthday and we're supposed to go meet him, his girlfriend Victoria and some of Cole's other friends for drinks. I'd planned on opting out of it at first but I think that might just be the final straw for Cole and I don't want him to completely hate my guts just yet. So I pulled on my big girl panties and get dressed even if a bigger part of me still wants to hide out in my apartment for the fear that someone would take one look at me and just know that I'm the kind of monster who isn't jumping for joy because she's having a baby.

I would be happy, I truly would if my biggest fear wasn't being the worst mother on the planet.

Cole's in the shower when I head to the bathroom to grab my curlers. We've barely said anything to each other and I don't even know where to begin. Right now would be a horrible time to ambush him but maybe I could slip inside and hold him, tell him I'm sorry and that I'm just so scared of what's to come. I can see his his shadow in the glass, the steam billowing around him and water raining down on the hard muscles of his back. Any other day I wouldn't have thought twice about joining him but it's funny what a difference a few weeks and one positive pregnancy test makes. Instead, I quietly grab my hair tools and walk away.

***

All of Cole's friends, the ones we'd gotten used to hanging out with in the past half year great me like I'm back from the dead which makes sense since I've turned into a social pariah over the last month. Other than client lunches and going out with Mattie after work a few times I've mostly stayed home, wallowing and apparently people have noticed.

"So what have you been up to busy bee? Cole was telling us about how your workload's just gone crazy. That's a good thing right?"

He avoids meeting my eyes but I respond to Vic's question with an admittedly fake laugh. "It's true, this is the busiest time of the year for submissions and I'm swamped. It's a good thing though, it means that Kevin trusts me with the heavy lifting and I'm really enjoying the responsibility."

She nods and goes back to telling me all about how glad they all are that mid-terms are over and that she's so jealous of me for our Bora Bora trip next week.

Jesus, I'd almost forgotten about that. It's crazy how time flies when you're hanging on to it for dear life. I'll start showing soon and then no amount of loose tops will be able to hide my bump. No one's looking at me funny right now, no one can guess what an absolute wreck I am inside and even though I've refused drinks tonight, not one person has questioned it. Maybe I'd been overreacting slightly, holed up in my fortress of solitude but there aren't any massive neon signs or arrows pointing at me that show PREGNANT LADY.

"Yeah, I'm so excited." I attempt to inject some enthusiasm in my voice because I'm not even sure if Cole will want to go now. He'd planned everything so painstakingly and it's all gone to waste now. I look at him from the corner of my eyes, watch him laughing freely at something his friend Chris says but as though sensing my eyes on him, he looks my way and our eyes meet. I can't read his expression but there's something akin to pain there.

"It's going to be so romantic." She gushes, "I asked Felix if we could go somewhere he's been hounding his professors for recommendation all this month and might finally get them this week so he's not leaving city limits. Cole's so lucky he's gotten an amazing one from Professor Bernstein, she rarely ever writes them anymore."

I gape at her, struggling to process what she's just told me. Cole's been chasing after this professor for months, studying his ass off, doing all the extra credit work and going above and beyond to impress her. He'd once told me that a recommendation from her would guarantee his spot for a judicial clerkship this summer and I know how big of a deal it is that he got the recommendation.

But he's never once mentioned it to. Now that I think about it, he hasn't brought up school or mid-terms once when he's home and we actually used to talk about it a lot about both our days and about my work. I guess when I stopped doing it so did he and I have no right to look at him like he's hurt me but I do.

Excusing myself to go to the restroom, I run some cold water onto my wrists and take a few deep breaths, glad to be on my own. I'm not sure why it's affecting me as much it as knowing that Cole hasn't been able to talk to me about such a massive thing because in my heart I know it's my fault. How could he ever talk to me if I'm in this constant unpredictable mood, inviting him in one second and pushing him away the other? The day of the doctor's appointment had gone so well and I'd hoped that I'd finally accepted the truth and would quickly learn to adjust to my new reality, with Cole beside me. But every single day brings itself a new emotion, a new feeling and leaves me confused as hell.

I need to do better, I need to for all our sakes.

With that epiphany in mind, I give myself one more affirmative look in the mirror and turn to walk out the door. This bar has darkened corridors and usually I would scream at the person lurking in the shadows outside the ladies room but because I can sense Cole before I actually see him, I don't do that and embarrass myself.

"Hey," I place my hand over my racing heart, "you almost scared me."

He gives me an apologetic look, "Sorry I just wanted to make sure you were okay. You ran out of there like you weren't feeling so good."

I could close the distance between us, wrap my arms around his waist and rest my head on his chest. I could tell him that I'd been upset that he would hide such a huge achievement from me and apologise for not being there for him lately. He's looking at me like he wants me to give in, to take the line he's throwing me and finally get rid of this lingering awkwardness between us but at the same time he's the one who is keeping himself at a distance. Any other time, Cole would've already pulled me closer and ask this question with my face cupped in his palms.

"I just wanted to cool off a little, it's a bit crowded in there."

He nods then gestures towards where his friends wait for us, "I could tell them that we need to make it an early night and get out."

I shake my head, "We haven't been out in ages and that would be rude. I'm sure I'll survive."

He still looks unsure but goes with the flow, "Are you sure you're okay?"

"I am. I haven't felt the need to throw no matter how many fried pickles Chris just inhaled. I can definitely stay for longer."

"Okay," He shoves his hands in his pockets and we head back together and I can't ignore the horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that maybe I've done too much damage to repair.

"Cole?"

"Yeah?" He stops immediately, concern etched across his handsome face.

"I'm really proud of you and I'm sorry I don't say that enough. Congratulations on getting the Professor Bernstein's recommendation, I know how hard you worked for it."

He gives me a small but genuine smile, leaning in to kiss the corner of my mouth and then my lips that are greedy for him.

"Thank you shortcake."

I take both of his hands in mine and bring them to my lips, kissing his knuckles and ignoring any looks we might be getting even though we're mostly hidden by the corridor . I'm not sure what it is about leaving the confines of the apartment where it seems like the world is ending but out here, I feel lighter and almost fearless. Not much has changed in a huge way, I'm still scared but I can't let this boy go another second thinking that I'm not madly in love with him and that I don't care. Because he has to know that he's on my mind so much more than is healthy.

"I'm sorry I haven't been there for you, I'm sorry I seem lost inside my own head."

He tries to cut me off but I've been practicing this speech for a while so he better let me finish. "I don't blame you for any of this but I know that's what you're thinking. This is on both of us and maybe we could've...prevented it from happening but there's no use dwelling on that now and I'm sorry I made you feel that way. You matter Cole, you matter the most and if you achieve your goals then I want to be the first to know. I want you to shake me up if I ever get like this, bring me out of my funk because you don't deserve this version of me and I never want you to have to hide your accomplishment because you're worried about how I'll react. I'll always be your biggest cheerleader Cole."

I'm slightly breathless by the time I finish and the fact that Cole's mouth comes crashing down on mine and that he kisses the absolute life out of me means that I'm struggling for oxygen and feeling really light headed when he lets go.

"Thank fuck you're back shortcake, I was starting to lose it a little."

I wrap both arms around him and cling on to him like Saran Wrap, "We might have no idea how to do deal with what's coming but this, you and me, I think we've got a solid idea on how to make that run smoothly. If I ever shut you out again or refuse to get up from the couch or not wash my hair in five days, then I order you to stage an intervention okay?"

"Even if that means telling the guy at the drugstore to stop selling you Sun Chips?"

I think about how I barely managed to fasten my tailored pants today and nod solemnly, "Make sure that's the first thing you do."

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I hope you guys liked the chapter! I know there are several varied opinions on where the story is going and on Tessa's behaviour but thank you to those of you choosing to support my decision <3

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