**Amanda--after Wattdrunk Friday with the ladies**

"Is someone playing games with me?" Amanda whispered to herself as she stared drunk'ingly into the hypnotic light of the laptop screen. With a few clicks, she returned to the create-a-story section of Wattpad to check on her snake and caterpillar book. It was still flagged as mature content.

"Maybe I can fix this." Interlocking her fingers and stretching them as though embarking on a plan to hack into US Government computers, Amanda closed the browser window--waited a few seconds--then opened the browser again. She typed Wattpad's URL in the address bar and crossed her fingers. Mission unaccomplished. Her story was still flagged mature.

Next, Amanda logged out of her Wattpad account then logged back in. When she checked the status of her story, she exhaled a frustrated sigh. Still flagged mature.

Amanda tried shutting down her computer and restarting it. Didn't work. Still flagged mature.

She picked up the empty wine bottle and hit the side of the laptop a couple times. Logged off Wattpad. Shut down her computer. Unplugged the laptop from the electrical outlet. Plugged it back into the electrical outlet. Restarted her computer. Logged back into Wattpad. Hit the side of her laptop a couple more times with the empty wine bottle, then checked to see if her story had been fixed. Still flagged mature.

"Damn it! Think, Amanda, think!" She pushed herself away from the table and headed straight for her cupboard of alcohol. Pulling a bottle of tequila from the shelf, she poured a generous helping of the yellow poison in a glass and tipped it back into her mouth--then almost threw it up.

Amanda bounced around the kitchen with her hand over her lips trying to force the tequila down her spasming throat--an un'orgasm happening at the back of her mouth. After a couple dramatic episodes of gag reflexes and contracting her neck muscles so hard her head nearly disappeared between her shoulders, Amanda successfully violated the boundaries of her body's safety mechanism. A considerable amount of tequila had officially entered her bloodstream.

Wiping the remaining moisture from her lips with the back of her hand, Amanda gasped and said, "Be logical, Amanda! Send the damn ticket. You need to rule out a glitch with Wattpad before you start developing conspiracy theories of sabotage."

She sat back down at her computer. With an attention span about the size of a preschooler's, Amanda struggled to find the link she needed to request technical assistance for her Wattpad account. After several minutes and many sentences of curse words strung creatively together, Amanda finally found the link she was searching for.

Click

She took a deep breath to call forth the focus needed to concentrate on the questions now in front of her. Or--at least that was her intention.

The first field on the form--[Enter Instructions Here]--was multiple-choice. Simple. Hovering the cursor over her choices, Amanda whispered, "Definitely that one. A buggy-wuggy."

[[Enter Instructions Here] Something's not working (Report a bug)]

Despite not being multiple-choice, the second question was just as easy and straight forward as the first. Even the tequila had no problem coming up with the correct answer.

[[Your email address] [email protected]]

The third question, however, required some thought. Amanda stared at the ceiling for a moment searching for the perfect words. Deciding on what to write in the subject line was like picking a title for a story--it had to be informative, sassy and memorable. When an idea struck her, she typed it in.

[[Subject] There's a bug in my mature content and I can't pull it out]

"Please include a detailed description of the issue or question," Amanda whispered as she read the instructions for the next required field on the form.

At first, Amanda's insides became flooded with terror. She didn't know there'd be a writing assignment involved with this form. But then the courageous power of tequila calmed her worries. "You've been good at pantsing before. Feel your inner pantser. You can pants the pants off this motherfucker if you put your mind to it."

Inner Amanda agreed with Tequila, so together they winged it.

[[Description] Hi. My name is Amanda. I'm a writer on your site--Wattpad. I'm sure you know what the name of your site is, but--well--you said to give a detailed description. Anyway--I was just writing to inform you that my story about a snake and caterpillar--a really cute story your grandma could read to her 62,174 grandchildren--has been flagged as mature content for some reason. I don't know why. I'm pretty sure I don't have any enemies or anything that would be out to sabotage me. Although--if I did, that shit would be kind of cool because you can't say you've made it as a human being until you've made some enemies. But I'm not lucky enough to have fulfilled those kind of dreams. Or at least I don't think I have. In any case, I'm not sure how to switch the mature content thingy back to normal content--or whatever non-mature content is called. I'm pretty sure it's not immature content even though immature would probably be the opposite of mature. You should make a note to your superiors at Wattpad that the whole mature and immature thing is confusing to those of us who don't identify ourselves as either mature or immature. So there's that. Anyway--I hope that's a clear description of what my current issues are. I'm not very good with all this technology stuff. I feel so limited when trying to explain my technological problems to others. It's like when I go to the car mechanic, and he's like, "What's wrong with your car?" And I'm like, "Oh--you know? The car's making that reeeeek-reeeek-screeeeech-reeeeekaaaluuuuuuugg sound when I start driving down the road." And the mechanic is just looking at me like, "What the fuck lady? Do you have air in your head?" Hahahahahahaha. Anyway, I wish I was more knowledgeable and could describe my computer issue better so it would be clarified in your head and you could see what I'm seeing from my end. By "end" I mean my eyeballs and whatever makes them work, not my asshole. I just mention that because you said to be detailed. I just want to make sure you know what I mean because my EX husband (from like ten years ago) and his friends had all the computer knowledge in their heads and they didn't always know what I meant when I tried to explain complex computer concepts to them. It was like we spoke different languages. They'd be over in the corner talking all this intelligent code stuff in a robot language I didn't understand-----and I'm over here showcasing my intelligence in a different language with stuff like, "A squared + B squared = C squared, and if you divide that answer by E=MC squared, then multiply that answer by the square root of Pie made by Apple, and add the triangle root of whatever fruity-tootie Microsoft is known for---you get the velocity and acceleration to which a fart will fly out of your asshole--but only when you're not wearing underwear. Hahaha. Bet you didn't know that one, huh? Let's just say we all learn something new every day. You're welcome. Anyway, let me know if you have any questions about my problems.]

Amanda reread her description and nodded with satisfaction. "Both informative and entertaining."

The next field--[Wattpad: Request Type]--was another question with a dropdown list of choices. All Amanda had to do what pick one.

Click

"I'm requesting--." Amanda hesitated. "I think I'm requesting 'account' because there's something wrong with my account." Upon further review of the choices, she wasn't positive if account was the correct choice.

"Reported bug?" She pondered the option for a moment. "Does that mean reporting a new bug or reporting on a bug that's already been reported?"

Amanda's eyes also glanced the word 'usability.' "Or maybe this is a usability thing? I can't use the mature thingy in my creation thingy." She let out a frustrated moan. "Eeny-meeny-miny-moe it is."

[[Wattpad: Request Type] Account]

Luckily for Amanda, the next several questions were practically no-brainers.

[[Username] YoDaBestR2D2]

[[What device are you using?] Website on computer/laptop]

[[Please pick the option that BEST describes where your problem is located] The Create Page]

But by the time Amanda got to the part about OS Version, the tequila was starting to get a bit ornery in her system. Instead of thinking things through in her head, Amanda typed her thought process out in the space provided by Wattpad.

[[OS Version] Fuck!!! What the fuck is an OS Virgin? Hold on while I Google it--------I'm back! Google is being an asshole--it has no clue. Do you want me to guess what an OS Virgin is? Obviously Slippery Virgin? Ordinary Skanky Virgin? Openly Smelly Virgin? I don't know. I give up. I think I need to skip this question. Hopefully it doesn't affect/effect (whatever) my account overhaul services. Wait! is that it? Overhaul Services Virgin? That's my final answer--I'm an Overhaul Services Virgin!]

[[What is your preferred language?] When I have a bottle of wine and a couple shots of tequila, my preferred language is Cyborg with a Swedish accent]

[[Can you please type out what language you speak?] Your biological and technological distinctiveness will be added to our own. Resistance is futile. We are all languages. Don't try to define us. We are everyone and everything--except mature and immature.]

"We're so funny," Amanda said in a Cyborg voice with a Swedish accent. Squinting her eyes rallying for one more burst of concentration, Amanda searched for the orange submit button. "There you are. Operation Fixing Problem is now commencing."

Click