**Ian**

Ian clicked the link to Amanda's online dating profile. He recognized it immediately because the profile picture was identical to the one she used on Wattpad--a head full of beachy waves and a girl-next-door smile.

"What are you doing?" he whispered to himself.

An inner voice sporting a pair of red horns replied with, you're going to lurk through her photos.

The first photo in Amanda's OKCupid album was the familiar Wattpad profile picture. The photo's description read: On most days I'm clean-cut and stench free. You could probably take me home to meet mom without much flak.

Ian lifted an eyebrow. "Not my mum."

An image of Erika, the lovely Chinese woman from Toronto with a 93 percent match score, flashed in his mind. All signs for relationship success and drama'less'ness pointed to the Erika Express. She seemed like the safest and most reliable road towards matchmaking harmony, both statistically and on the maternal flak scale. Regardless, Ian clicked the arrow to view Amanda's second photo.

Greeted with an image of Amanda attempting to stuff a mile-high burger packed with meats and cheeses into her mouth, Ian chuckled. The mammoth gut bomb on a bun far exceeded the height restrictions of a normal human-sized pie hole. This, of course, appeared to be a challenge instead of an obstacle for Amanda in the photo.

The description on the photo read: If we go to dinner on our first date, I won't be impressing you with dainty eating habits.

Ian pressed a grin into his knuckles. There was something charming about Amanda's zero-fucks nature. It was as though life had no boundaries for her. She existed beyond the Virgo Supercluster while he remained confined as a speck trapped within the borders of perceivable Earth.

Glancing at an unopened package of Oreos sitting on the kitchen counter, Ian wondered. What if I ate a whole row of cookies? How crazy would that be?

The idea of exceeding the serving size limit of three Oreos excited Ian at first, but then it unsettled him. Not only would eating more than three Double Stuf cookies violate his health rules, it deviated from his commitment to live a rational and disciplined life. Shaking his head, Ian pushed thoughts of cookie gorging out of his mind and clicked the arrow button to view Amanda's third photo.

He found a full body image of Amanda standing in front of a Godiva Chocolate's display. Styled in a black short sleeved dress hemmed at the knee, Amanda stood awkwardly in a pair of black heels--her arms stiffly positioned against her sides as though not sure what to do with her hands. Despite having a black belt to assist her waistline, Amanda's midsection lacked the universally preferred .70 waist-to-hip ratio men are biologically wired to desire--a waist's width being close to 70 percent of the hip's width. Regardless, a healthy glow still emanated from Amanda's core. Her waist may have hovered in the 90 percentiles, but her inner sparkle ranked at a practically perfect score.

Ian read the picture's description: Whatever, Forrest. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. A box of chocolates IS life.

The forth picture in the OKCupid album was an image of Winnie waking Amanda up with a furry asshole to the face. Amanda's facial expression in the photo was one of disgust--her head retracted so far back behind her shoulders, her chin hid amongst the folds in her seal neck rolls. Ian immediately directed his focus to the photo's description to see what Amanda had written--a grin already taunting the edge of his lips.

Woke up with a pussy in my mouth. I suppose these are my experimental years. Pretty sure lady tail isn't my thing.

Ian snickered. Amanda would fit in with Team Goonies like a hand fits the Infinity Gauntlet. She could be Stef, he thought. Stef was the coolest--more so than Andy. And Stef's glasses--. Ian inhaled and sighed as he moved the cursor towards the arrow to reveal the next photo. Women in glasses are so sexy.

When the fifth picture appeared on Ian's screen, his heart accelerated, pounding wildly against his ribcage. It was an image of a teenage Amanda with Corey Feldman, both dressed in ridiculously tacky 80's attire. However, it wasn't the image causing all the excitement, it was the description.

Goonies rock! I met Mouth back in 1989. (Note: Data was technically my favorite, though!)

Ian's eyes widened. "There's no way," he whispered, shaking his head in disbelief. "The probability of a coincidence like this is--." He blinked his eyes a couple times as if to reset his vision. When he stopped blinking, the words were still there--Amanda's favorite Goonie was Data.

Excitement spurred by the possibility he'd stumbled across an improbable coincidence propelled Ian to leap from Amanda's photos to the ten infamous essay questions found on OKCupid profiles. The questions, typically answered either seriously or humorously, were the written portion on each singleton's page offering a glimpse into a person's unique interests and personality. Ian was pretty sure he knew which direction Amanda's responses would lean--the humorous direction. Resting his elbows on the dinette table, he read Amanda's reply to the first question:

Question 1: My self-summary...
"She is anything but ordinary." -Kate Spade

I'm a Jedi disguised as an ordinary person. Don't be fooled--the few extra pounds and awkwardness you see in the pictures above are Jedi mind tricks so I don't show up in every single person's search results on OKCupid. Jedis don't have time for superficial turds. If you're a Jedi, you already know this. May the Force bring us together.

I also like to accessorize my life with Kate Spade. OKCupid profiles included.

Ian bit his bottom lip to contain a smile. Amanda summed herself up as a Jedi. No boring lists of adjectives her friends and family might use to describe her. No endless paragraphs bragging about every accomplishment and title she'd ever achieved. No trying-too-hard marketing ploys to give an illusion she'd be the ideal match for most. Instead, Amanda kept it simple and honest. She was a flawed Jedi--imperfect perfection--a genuine soul concerned for the survival of peace and justice in the universe.

"What's with Kate Spade?" Ian wondered. He eagerly read on to find out more.

Question 2: What I'm doing with my life...
My self-chosen mission is to create entertainment in the form of fictional stories. More specifically, my mission is to write fictional stories that will inspire and motivate people to discover their best selves.

I'm also a bank teller. It's not like I was adopted into royalty or born a princess. I have to pay the bills somehow.

Despite the fact careers were an important part of the equation in Ian's filtering process as he searched for the ideal mate, he hardly registered Amanda's position as a bank teller.

"She wants to change the world," he whispered. "With stories." Between her preference for the Goonies' character Data and her mission to improve people's lives with written words, Ian was pulled beyond his control to devour more information from Amanda's OKCupid questions.

Question 3: I'm really good at...
... viewing life from several different perspectives. This allows me to be compassionate and understanding towards people from all walks of life.

That being said, experiencing the world from different points of view fuzzies-up my path in life. I guess you could say I'm also really good at being attentively lost.

Oh! And Solitaire! I rock at Solitaire!

Question 4: The first thing people notice about me...
"She leaves a little sparkle wherever she goes." -Kate Spade

The first thing people usually notice about me is my beard. Ha! Just kidding! I shave that.

I suppose the first thing people notice is my free spirit and quirky sense of humor--assuming I'm not hangry.

Question 5: Favorite books, movies, shows, music and food...
"I adore pretty things and witty words." -Kate Spade

Books. Brown Bear Brown Bear magically taught me to read in kindergarten. When I was eight, the Serendipity book series enchanted my soul (Serendipity is my favorite word, btw). In my 20's, Harry Potter charmed my imagination. The Secret & Power of Now were the fairytales of my 30's (don't judge!). Now I write books I hope will bring a little magic to someone else. #PayItForward

Movies. I have way too many favorites. The Matrix, Goonies, Shawshank Redemption, and Moulin Rouge (feather boas forever!) are a random few. Generally speaking, though; I love anything that's funny, has a woman kicking ass, involves lots of car chases and explosions, travels to the outer reaches of time and space, is created by Pixar, makes my heart swoon and/or introduces me to different perspectives of life.

Food. I like it.

Music. I love beats that make me want to cover myself in sequins and jump around like a disco ball.

An image of a glittery Celine Dijon invaded Ian's thoughts, tainting the effect of Amanda's words on his conscious mind. Ian couldn't help but notice that in some respects, Amanda and Celine where similar. Both appeared to have a zero-fucks personality. Both seemed to have a sparkly and quirky sense of humor. Both looked as if they enjoyed accessorizing with feather boas.

Why am I comparing Amanda to Celine, Ian thought, the number 68 entering his mind. Rubbing his hands over his face, he tried to rationalize this strange wave of sudden uneasiness. They're nothing alike. Celine is--68ish--and thirsty. Amanda is my age and--a 68 percent. There it was. Subconsciously Ian had started a pros and cons list for Amanda. Despite racking up a few improbable coincidences and desirable qualities in her pros column, Amanda's cons column held some heavy hitters--like distance and the 68 percent match score, for example.

Suppressing his feelings, Ian kept reading.

Question 6: The six things I could never do without...
"Surround yourself with the things you love. Discard the rest." -Kate Spade

1) Spanx
2) Six dozen cats
3) Socks and sandals
4) Hemorrhoid cream
5) The latest Kardashian news
6) A book about a bad boy, billionaire CEO who has a werewolf sex slave tied up in the basement and a big crush on a good girl virgin, who happens to be the property of a horrible but sexy alpha gang leader.

Psych! No--for real--the six things I could never do without are:

1) My family & friends (pets included)
2) Hope for the future
3) Sense of humor
4) Self-expression through art and writing
5) The unknowns hidden in the universe
6) Spanx

*Note: Although, if my butt was on fire--the only thing I wouldn't be able to live without is Hemorrhoid cream!

Ian smiled. The weight he felt moments earlier when considering the possibility Amanda might be a younger version of Celine lifted when he read the six things she could never do without. She's right, he thought. The unknown isn't necessarily something to be feared. The unknown could very well be the only thing we can't live without.

Scooting his chair up closer to the dinette table, he continued.

Question 7: I spend a lot of time thinking about...
... why people prefer to obsess over their virtual/online existence instead of creating deeper connections with the real life directly in front of them. I mean--hardly anyone looks up from their electronic devices these days. Do you know how long it's been since I've had the opportunity to make eye contact with a stranger and ask, "Pardon me, would you have any Grey Poupon?"

At first, the reference to the classic early 80's commercial and Wayne's World bit made Ian laugh. But then a movie-like thought of Amanda and Celine invaded in his head. He imagined Amanda pulling up alongside Celine in her car with the windows down. Both ladies dressed in glittery ensembles accessorized with feather boas. Amanda leaned out of her car window and asked Celine if she happened to have any Grey Poupon, to which Celine replied, "We's da mustard, darlin'. Hot, hot, hot."

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" Ian whispered to himself, the cursor inching towards the X at the top, righthand corner of the screen to exit the window. "None of this makes logical sense."

His hand stopped before the cursor reached the X. There were only three questions left. Curiosity demanded to know what the answers were.

Question 8: On a typical Friday night I am...
... so f***ing thankful it's not Monday!

Question 9: The most private thing I'm willing to admit...
I wrote'en dis'sen profile'en while droonknken on tequila'en. Ha! Just kidding! Or am I...

"She had a cocktail in her hand and confetti in her hair." -Kate Spade

Question 10: You should message me if...
... you're a non-smoking, monogamous Jedi around my age living in the Seattle area and you're hellbent on making the universe a better place. Because, seriously--if this describes you--I'm dying to meet you. Oh! And you must--like--cats.

Ian's red-horned inner voice resurfaced and highlighted online dating's biggest deception in his mind--the illusion that there's an endless sea of suitable mates in the world. The days of wasted time and effort on the "she seems cool" or "she might be what I'm looking for" were over. If a woman racked up too many obstacles or difficulties in her cons column, she was moved to the rejection pile. Internet matchmaking streamlined the dating process. Why waste energy on an Amanda holding a handful of red flags when there were hundreds of beautiful flag-free women with higher probabilities of successful compatibility?

Exhaling a long breath, Ian clicked the X at the top, righthand corner of the screen to close the window displaying Amanda's OKCupid profile. "I don't live in Seattle--and I'm allergic to cats."

Ian glanced at the last remaining minimized window at the bottom of the screen--the one containing the sixth OKCupid profile he selected earlier that evening. Clicking the window, Ian maximized Mambo Number 6.

Georgette from Toronto, Ontario--97 percent match.

Ian's insides summersaulted when Georgette's image filled his screen. A pharmacist. Philanthropist. Optimist. Astrobiologist. After following her for several weeks on Twitter, Ian concluded Georgette was one of the most fascinating and perfect women he'd ever crossed paths with.

Grabbing his phone, Ian scrolled through his contacts. His finger pressed the screen once, then a second time.

Dialing. Ian put the phone up to his ear.

Ringing.

"Georgette?" He paused for a moment, then smiled. "It's Ian."

Drumming the table nervously with his fingers, he asked, "I'm good. You?" He listened patiently, then added, "I was calling to see if you'd be interested in meeting again sometime this week? A new sushi restaurant opened up not too far from here, and I'm looking for a dinner date. You were the first person I thought of."

Ian inhaled as Georgette spoke, then exhaled with a smile. "Great! What day works best for you?"

Note: Since Amanda and I are basically the same, I'm tempted to create an OKCupid profile and use her answers to the OKCupid questions (with my photos) to see what kind of responses they'd get--in real life. Should there be a new book on Amanda's profile page title: Cupid's OK Responses? Hahaha.