Chapter 30

Forgive

Gio

"Mom..." I called, but her eyes remained closed.

She was lying on her hopital bed, unmoving. My tears fell. Just a while ago we were still talking. She was telling me she loves me. And I told her I love her, too.

"M-Mom," I cried as I stayed beside her.

"Gio," my brother called. He was also in tears beside me.

I looked at him. "It's okay," he said with a nod. There were still tears on his eyes and cheeks. "It's okay..." he comforted me.

After our mother's funeral, Kuya Silver left the country to study abroad. I was left alone with our Dad.

I heard the sound of a broken glass. Tumuloy ako sa pagpasok sa study ni Dad. He was on the phone when I entered. He looked stressed. Something not good might had happened at the office. When he put the phone down, his anger was directed to me.

"What are you doing here?" his voice was loud.

I wanted to close my eyes and almost cover my ears. Shouting has become deafening to my ears and it scares the boy that I was.

"I...I just want to show you my grades at school, Dad. I got the highest marks." I tried to show it to him.

But he just slapped it away. Pinulot ko ang nahulog na papel. My hands were already trembling.

I just want to make him proud. I thought showing him my good grades would make him happy. Maybe he's just sad, just like me. I'm sad, too. I miss Mom.

"I j-just want to make you proud, Dad. I-I thought this would make you happy. I know we both misses Mom-" I voiced out my thoughts.

"You will never make me proud! More so happy! How will I be happy if I get to see the fruit of my wife's affair every damn day?!" he shouted. "Nothing you'll do will ever please me, Giovanni. Because you are nothing to me! You are not my son!"

My tears fell.

I didn't understand.

But growing up, I understood. Why my father was like that to me. I'm not his son. But despite that truth, for me he's still my father. Somehow I understand him. I chose to understand his pain.

"Gio, what's wrong?" my brother asked. He just came back from the States.

Umiling ako. He's still looking at me. I shook my head. "Nothing." I said silently.

"Let's go?" aya niya.

I gulped. I didn't wanna go out and face my father's visitors. It was Dad's birthday. I was already in my neat tuxedo, same with my brother. Hindi ako madalas ipakilala ni Dad sa mga kakilala niya. Kapag naman pinapakilala ay minsan napapahiya, hindi naman siguro sinasadya ni Dad. But it made me anxious. I felt like I would never be enough or worth it. I was scared I would only ruin it for my  Dad. I'm a disappointment to him. No matter what I do.

But I kept on trying...

I nodded at my brother. He smiled. I smiled, too.

Masama na agad ang tingin sa akin ni Dad nang nakita niya akong palapit kasama si kuya. Lumipat ang tingin niya sa kapatid ko. Doon lang siya ngumiti at pinalapit pa si Kuya Silver sa kaniya. He started introducing my brother to his friends and business partners. I can see that he's proud of him.

I can't help but still feel jealous. But I know it's wrong, too. I just hoped that one day Dad would see me, too...

"Gio's doing great with his studies, too!" si kuya na ngumiti sa 'kin nang balingan ako.

I only smiled a bit, too.

I wasn't a rebel. I did my best. With the hopes that one day Dad would appreciate me, too. At ayaw ko rin na magkaroon pa siya ng dahilan para magalit pa sa akin. I appreciate that he's still raising me. He's sending me to a good school. And he's given me the things I need. At ginagawa ko rin ito dahil sa bilin na rin ni Mommy. She wants me to be a good kid.

"Dad," tumulong ako kay yaya na dalhin namin si Dad sa room niya. He came home drunk one night. Sometimes he would drink. Maybe he misses Mom that's why.

"Ako na po." agaw ko sa paghuhubad ng sapatos ni Dad. Nahiga na namin siya sa kama niya.

Ngumiti si yaya sa akin. "Sige, kukuha lang ako ng basang bimpo," she said.

I only nodded as I start to remove Dad's shoes.

Umalis na rin muna si yaya.

"Silvester," Dad mentioned while his eyes were already closed.

"It's Gio, Dad." I said. "Bumalik na po si kuya sa US. It's just you and me again. Don't worry I'll take care of you."

I hugged him as he sleep. Sa ganito ko lang siya mayayakap. I closed my eyes. Tears fell down my cheeks.

"Galit ka ba kay Mommy, kuya?" I asked my brother once.

He looked at me. Umiling siya. "Maybe I did, but it wasn't long." he said. "I love our Mom, Gio. And my love for her is greater."

I nodded.

Ngumiti si kuya at inabot ang buhok ko para bahagyang guluhin. Nagreklamo naman ako. Pero ngumisi rin.

Masaya ako kapag umuuwi si kuya. Wala rin kasi akong masiyadong kaibigan sa school. I used to act cold. Pinapangunahan ako lagi ng anxiety. I didn't want to disappoint anyone. Like how I'm already a disappointment to Dad. I always thought I would only ruin it. I'll just mess up.

One time I witnessed the bullies in our school pushing a boy our age. I saw the anger on his face. I knew he would punch the one in front of him. And he did. But there were five of them and he's alone. I didn't want to get myself into trouble. I didn't want to give problem to Dad. But I can't help it. And I did not regret it.

Pagkatapos ng gulo ay hindi na pinatawag ang Dad ko. Inako na ni Felix Lee. At the end ang parents niya lang ang pumunta sa school namin. Nakita kong hindi rin naman siya pinagalitan at pinagsabihan lang. Kung si Dad sobrang galit na siguro ang inabot ko.

"Wait," habol niya nang pinalabas na rin kami sa office.

I turned to him. 

"Felix," he said.

I nodded. I know him. We're classmates. We just didn't talk before.

"Gio," I said.

"Thanks." he smirked. 

I only nodded at muli na siyang tinalikuran. Pero humabol pa rin siya. "Hey, wait up!" habol niya.

"Can we be friends?" he asked.

I just looked at him.

Hindi ko alam kung bakit bigla siyang nakikipagkaibigan sa 'kin gayong tulad ko ay tahimik lang din siya sa klase namin.

Unti-unti akong tumango.

"Why do you wanna be friends with me?" I asked while we were on the way to the cafeteria. I'm thirsty. Naubos na rin ang baon kong tubig.

"Why not? I think you're cool. Unlike most of our stupid classmates." he shrugged.

I didn't say anything.

Pero nagkasundo nga kami ni Felix. Siguro dahil nagkakasundo rin kami sa maraming bagay. He's my first friend.

I've met his younger brother, too. Medyo maingay lang ito unlike Felix na kagaya ko rin hindi masyadong palasalita. Jackson Lee just has a lot to say.

"Gio, happy Valentine's!" a girl classmate was giving me a heart-shaped container with chocolates inside.

I just looked at it and didn't bother accepting it. I don't just accept gifts. Ganoon din naman si Felix.

Kaibahan namin sa isang naging kaklase rin noong High School na. Daniel Guzman would accept every gifts from the girls. He's also friendly especially with girls. Kaya rin mas gusto siya ng mga babaeng kaedad namin. We became friends because of Felix, too. Sa aming dalawa ni Lix siya itong sociable kahit paano.

"You know, bud, you should also act nicely with girls even for sometimes. I'm telling you, you will benefit from it." nakangising sabi sa 'kin ni Daniel.

Kabilaan ang mga babae niya. Lalo noong naghiwalay sila ng unang naging girlfriend niya. I know he's hurt. Felix and I knew he's really serious with Mica.

May mga babae rin si Felix. But unlike Daniel's playboy level. Ako, I have mine if I want. But I always make sure  na nagkakaintindihan kami ng babae. Nothing serious. Mas focus ako sa trabaho ko. Ayaw kong may reklamo si Dad. Kahit ganoon pa rin naman ang madalas mangyari.

"Just do your job. At kung may makita pa rin mali ang Dad mo, hayaan mo siya. Basta ginagawa mo ang trabaho mo sa company ninyo." sabi sa 'kin ni Felix habang nasa isang bar kami at umiinom. We remained on the sofas while Jackson and Daniel were already getting crazy on the dance floor.

I drank the liquor from the glass I was holding. A girl caught my attention. Kanina ko pa rin ito tinitingnan na umiinom ng mag-isa. Nang tumayo ay sumunod din ang mga mata ko. Papunta na siya sa magulong dance floor. Kumuha pa siya sa sini-serve ng waiter at diretso iyong ininom.

"Shit," I cussed.

"Gio," tinawag pa ako ni Felix pero mabilis na akong tumayo at walang salitang iniwan siya roon para puntahan ang babae. Hindi rin naman niya ako sinundan.

I was just right on time. Maagap ko siyang nasalo bago pa man siya matumba sa sahig ng superclub.

Natulak at nadiin pa kami sa isa't isa dahil sa mga taong tumatalon at nagsasayawan sa paligid namin. "Ang init." she said.

She drunkenly danced. Hawak-hawak ko siya.

The next thing that happened, she's trying to kiss me.

We probably looked like we're making out on the dance floor sa sobrang lapit din namin sa isa't isa at halos na sa 'kin na ang buong bigat niya.

Nilagay niya ang kamay ko sa dibdib niya. She badly wanted to be touched. I know she's drunk, damn it! I'm a man... Still, mali pa rin. Pero... "Not here," I said in her ear.

And we both ended up in a hotel room...

"Damn it, Gio! Man up! You're not who your Dad defines you! You are you! You're hardworking enough to father your child..." Felix said.

Nagkita kami ulit. Her name's Giselle. I didn't even get to know her name the first time we met. She's living with us. And she's pregnant. I knew it's mine. I'm her first. At base na rin sa sinabi niya.

Now Felix's in front of me. Namukhaan niya si Giselle. He knew I left the club that night with her. He saw us leaving.

"At tingin mo hindi ako natakot? Natatakot din ako. Pero hinaharap ko ito. Tama si Felix. Duwag ka, Gio." she said.

Giselle taught me a lot of things. She taught me courage. That despite all our insecurities and other things we can still be brave enough to face the world, for our loved ones. Because we should. She taught me to trust and love myself, too... And she's the woman I love.

It's not hard to love her. It's not hard to love if you're loved back.

Giselle's father closed the door of her private room. Nag-usap kami sa labas. Sinugod namin sa hospital si Giselle. Nalaman na rin ng pamilya niya ang tungkol sa amin.

"Ano ang plano mo sa anak ko?" Giselle's Dad asked me seriously.

"I will marry your daughter, Sir. If she'll allow me to...-"

Giselle's father nodded slowly. "Papakasalan mo ang anak ko at nabuntis mo-"

"I love her." I looked at him straight. "I love your daughter, Sir." I said sincerely and with all the might that I have.

He nodded.

I blamed myself, too. Pakiramdam ko napabayaan ko rin talaga si Giselle at ang anak namin. When she decided to go home to her family, I let her. Kahit masakit din sa akin. Inisip kong kailangan niya. She needed the space and time. To heal...

Nakasandal ang magaan niyang likod sa dibdib ko. Tahimik ang paligid at marahan din ang ihip ng hangin habang nasa harap kami ng puntod ng panganay namin. She just told me that she's pregnant. We're having another baby. Napangiti ako at humigpit pa ang yakap ko sa kaniya galing sa likod. Pareho kaming nakaupo sa damo at tahimik. But it's the kind of silence that I love. It's making me at peace, and contented.

I remember the talk I had with Dad.

I already know he's not really my father. But does it really matter? I also appreciate my biological father. Alam kong nagkamali sila ni Mommy but they're still my parents. And I know they both love me. I love them, too.

"You are stubborn, Giovanni. Kahit ilang beses na kitang itinutulak palayo noon, you still chose to stay. And took care of this drunk and complicated man." ngumiti si Dad, tinukoy ang sarili. "Kahit pa sinabi ko na sa 'yong hindi talaga ako ang ama mo-"

"You are my father." I cut him off. Natigilan siya. Nanatili ang tingin niya sa akin. "You raised me and gave me your name. You're my Dad." I said.

I saw the tears formed in his eyes as he was looking at me. Unti-unti siyang tumango. At bahagyang ngumiti. "I'm so sorry, son." hingi niya ng tawad.

It warmed my heart. I forgive him because I love him.

"Tara na?" baling sa akin ni Giselle.

I looked at her small face. Ang ganda talaga ng babaeng 'to. It made me smile. Magaan ang mga mata niyang nakatingin din sa akin. Her cute, small nose, and her smiling pink lips.

"Babalik kami ng Daddy mo, anak. Bibisitahin ka ulit namin, palagi." kausap niya sa anak namin bago kami tumayo na rin.

I was holding her hand nang muli siyang bumaling sa akin. Hindi nawala ang magandang ngiti sa mga labi niya. She looked at peace, too. Just like how I'm feeling.

Nagsimula na kaming maglakad pabalik sa sasakyan ng magkahawak kamay pagkatapos makapagpaalam kay Van. We'll surely visit him always. I treasure those precious moments I had with him. Hindi ko nakita nang lubusan kay Dad kung paano talaga maging isang ama. I wanted to be a good father to my son. And maybe it was instinct. And my son taught me to be a father. I love him. I thank my son for the wonderful memories and lessons he taught me.

Noong nagkahiwalay kami ni Giselle, hindi nawala sa akin ang parteng alam kong babalik kami at posible pa rin mangyari ito. Because we love each other. And I learned that love forgives.