How the Avengers (and other Marvel characters) break up with people.

Thor

Thor: I'm sorry my dear maiden, but I fear that our relationship will not continue to function. I, as sole representative of Asgard, will be too busy to give you what you deserve. You deserve better than me. Go now, in peace, and may Odin be ever in your favour.

Steve

Steve: My apologies madam, but I don't think this is going to work out. 

Them: Why not?

Bucky: Because he discovered I'm not dead after all.

Them: omgisthatametalarm

Bucky: *threatening* Do you wanna see it up close?

Steve: Bucky no

Natasha

Probably wouldn't date anyone to begin with, and if she wanted to break off the relationship she'd just stop answering. Texts. Calls. Emails. Doorbells. Whatever other social media measure they try. She just. wouldn't. answer.

Works without fail.

Tony

Tony: Look, I'm sorry, but I think there's somewhere else you should be.

Them: No??? there isn't??? I took the evening off to hang out???

Tony: Let me rephrase that: there's somewhere else you belong.

Them: Sorry????

Tony: Okay I'll give you a hint.

Tony: *grabs a sheet of paper, writes their name on it and holds it up*

Tony: This is you.

Them: *nods*

Tony: *crunches the paper into a ball, aims, and tosses it into the trashcan*

Them: .... okay that was rude and unnecessarily complicated.

Tony: My life is always rude and unnecessarily complicated. If you can't handle that just get out of my house.

Clint

Clint: Can I tell you a secret? I'm Hawkeye.

Them: sounds cool, but who is Hawkeye?

Clint: get out of my face right now

Bruce

Bruce: Look, I'm really sorry, but I don't think this'll work out.

Them: why not

Bruce: It just won't. It's not your fault, it's mine. You should just go. I'm sorry.

Them: theres got to be something i can do.

Bruce: LEARN HOW TO USE CAPITAL LETTERS AND PUNCTUATION THAT WOULD BE A GOOD START

Bruce: Sorry.

Bruce: See what I mean though?

Bruce: Did you leave?

Bruce: It's probably for the best.

Loki

Loki: Remember how I said I loved you?

Loki: Well, I'm revoking that.

Loki: Bye

Peter Parker

Peter: I'm sorry.

Them: for what???

Peter: for breaking up with you.

Them: you didn't break up with me????

Peter: Oh, did I forget to say that?

Peter: Well surprise! I'm breaking up with you.

Peter: Sorry.

Peter Quill

Peter: I've decided to follow in Han Solo's footsteps.

Them: umm... okay?

Peter: And more specifically... the "Solo" part.

Peter: I'm ending this relationship.

Them: What?! Are you just leaving? What about your friends?

Peter: I don't have time for friendships. Or relationships. There's only one ship I love and that's the Milano.

Peter: Starlord out.

Drax

Drax: you're ugly

Them: um... okay...

Drax: That was a subtle hint. If you missed it: I don't like you, go away.

Johnny Storm

Probably would never break up with anyone to begin with because he can't handle stable relationships and thus wouldn't even start one. But if it came that far, he'd end it with a sizzling fire pun, no doubt. Or some Captain America imitation. Or both. 

Grandmaster

Grandmaster: *grabs melting stick*

Them: *runs for their life*

Grandmaster: That was easy.

Bucky

Bucky: Sorry, but I just don't think I can handle a normal life after all I've been through.

Them: You're doing great, James!

Bucky: *sigh* yeah, but you deserve better. Plus, all those SHIELD agents on your case the whole time because of me... it's just not fair to you.

Them: I don't mind!

Bucky: I heard you complaining to your friends. Just go. I'll be fine. I'll move back to Stark Towers.

Them: didn't they sell Stark Towers?

Bucky: then I'll go to wherever the Avengers are now. Maybe they're at Clint's again.

Them: who is Clint?

Clint: SERIOUSLY?!?!

Bucky: WE TOLD YOU TO WAIT IN THE HELICOPTER YOU IDIOT!

Them: Wait, you're leaving now? As if in... NOW?!?!?

Bucky: Um... yeah.

Sam: Hurry up slowpoke!

Bucky: SHUT UP SAM I'M TRYING TO HAVE A MOMENT!

Sam: YOU'RE EMOTIONALLY INCAPABLE OF 'HAVING A MOMENT'!

Bucky: GET OFF MY CASE YOU ANNOYING MORON!

Them: Oh, I see. You like the Falcon.

Sam & Bucky: WHAT? NO!

Them: oh whatever, just get your stuff and get out.

Clint: *filming on his Starkphone* okay I am so sending this to Nat

Pietro

Pietro: *dies*

Them: wtf

Peggy

Peggy: I was *this* close to dating Captain America.

Peggy: and you are in no way a match for him

Peggy: go date my niece or something

Odin

Odin: *dabs* ODINSLEEP!

Loki: okay AGAIN!?!?

Them: does he do that a lot?

Loki: *rolls his eyes* you have no idea

Odin: STOP FLIRTING WITH HER LOKI

Loki: I'm NOT! *walks away in a huff*

Odin: Anyway, where was I? Oh, right. *dabs* ODINSLEEP!

Them: *sighs*

Pepper

Pepper: I'm allergic to strawberries.

Them: *hides box of strawberries behind back* umm... I knew that.

Pepper: *raises eyebrow* yeah right.

*awkward silence*

Pepper: do you like pineapple on pizza?

Them: ew no.

Pepper: that's it this relationship is over.

Did I forget anyone important?

~Evanlyn